I don't like my brother.

[SerCay]

Someone posted about their non-caring sisters today and it made me think of my brother. I really need to vent this, after so many years.

 

My brother and I used to be the best of friends when we were kids.

We knew everything about each other and shared hobbies such as literature. We used to go on long walks and to the movies.

 

He's 7 years my senior, and he got married really young. At 19 he got married.

 

My SIL is a true negative (and extremely jealous) Nancy. She did everything she could to put a wall between my brother and us (mom dad and me).

 

My mom, she always says; "I have to put up with it, because I don't want to lose my son, as long as he's happy, I'm happy." The exact words come from my dad. I find this a wonderful attitude and assume that it comes with the parental unconditional love.

 

BUT

 

Since married, which has now been 15 years, my brother:

 

- has constantly been judgmental about my relationships. Going as far as leaving the house when my boyfriend was over for new year's.

- has constantly been saying that I got all the negative aspects from the family

- never calls me, never asks how I am. EXCEPT when his wife and he hit a rough patch. Which happens once a year or so. Then he calls me and wants to hang out with me to get things off his chest and talk to me. (most people from the family talk to me about their problems, they find me easy to talk to, as I'm a very open minded person)

- hurts our dad by not returning his phone calls, and by not making time for him. Never invites him over for coffee, nor go to his place. EXCEPT when he needs money. My mom secretly encourages this, although she doesn't want to admit it. She doesn't encourage him to keep communication lines open to his father. ( I know this shouldn't be my concern, but it hurts to see my dad hurt)

- When they come over for my birthday, or any other family gathering, my brother doesn't talk or socialize with us, especially me, during family gatherings. He once told me that this is because my SIL will start huge fights when my brother has nice conversations with me. But still I don't have to put up with it. So birthdays will usually be very dry. They will eat, sit at my place for an hour, then leave. But when my brother is alone, he will talk and have fun with us.

- is very judgmental in general. He judges everything. Boyfriends, decisions, etc etc. He even told me things like: I dont want my kid to be near your boyfriend, because you might break up with him.

- thinks that his way is the only way. Married, with kid, and regular job. Oh, and sky high debts. Yet still judging everyone else.

 

Now I don't care about my brother anymore. Honestly I don't. In the past I used to look up to him and be very sad that him and I were not connected any longer. Now I know that he's simply a bitter and judgmental person under the strong ruling of an extremely jealous wife. Pathetic and spineless.

 

But then there's my mom, forcing us to get together: It's my SIL's birthday in 2 days. I don't want to go. I was not invited, nor have I spoken to my SIL for months. When I see her, she makes remarks such as "Do I know you from somewhere"? Implying that I never make contact, when they never make contact either. My mom's all like: well you KNOW it's her birthday so you should drop by.

 

Well LS'ers, I don't think I have to. I'm happy with life and I honestly don't feel the need to spend time at someone's house when I'm A. not invited, B. have no connection whatsoever except blood.

 

What do y'all think? I think it's time to step out of the "societal rules of being blood related."

Edited June 29, 2015 by SerCay

[Fugu]

First of all, I'm sorry for your situation. I won't go into all my details but I've been dealing with sibling estrangement (half-sibling in my case) for the better part of fifteen years, with things taking a really difficult turn over the last five. I've also seen another close friend go through sibling estrangement as well.

 

I don't think estrangement really follows a particular pattern. I think that some siblings are natural-born competitors and it just gets toxic as they get older. In other cases, such as yours and mine, siblings start out close and grow apart as different life experiences shape us in a multitude of ways. It takes two people to facilitate a relationship. If even one person begins to make impossible demands and has unreasonable expectations of others, then it can put a strain on the relationship.

 

This sort of thing does tend to happen after major life-changing events such as a marriage, the birth of a child, or something else. I think it's because people step into different roles and in doing so take on different identities. I know my own older brother, always the alpha in the family, became a hell of a lot more domineering and demanding once he became a parent. I think he's a fantastic parent, actually, but he's been a pain in the ass as a brother. I'm not the only one who's felt that way either. It seems to me that your older brother stepped into a different role as a husband, and anointed himself as a kind of lieutenant patriarch. That can work well I suppose - if you're okay with those relationship dynamics. But of course you're not, and there's no reason to be.

 

As for going forward, I think you should worry about yourself first. We're coached by our parents and others to believe that we should just suck it up and put on a good face, but I don't believe that anymore. If you feel like you've made it clear that their behavior's offensive to you and that you've given them chances to change, then yeah, maybe avoidance is best, with the proviso that you leave the door open for communication and a possible relationship in the future. I don't see that as cutting someone out of your life; it's more like managing the relationship on your terms. Everyone has the right to do that, in any relationship.

[minimariah]

don't go to her birthday and if she or anyone else ask why - tell them you don't go where you aren't welcomed & invited.

[SerCay]

We're coached by our parents and others to believe that we should just suck it up and put on a good face, but I don't believe that anymore. If you feel like you've made it clear that their behavior's offensive to you and that you've given them chances to change, then yeah, maybe avoidance is best, with the proviso that you leave the door open for communication and a possible relationship in the future. I don't see that as cutting someone out of your life; it's more like managing the relationship on your terms. Everyone has the right to do that, in any relationship.

 

Exactly...my mom is constantly trying to coach me towards them. I always leave the door to communication open, always have always will. But it needs to come from both sides. My mom always makes me think that my brother isn't capable of having sustainable relationships in friendships. That's how she wants me to believe that he does care about me, although he never reaches out. I know for a fact that he does reach out to his buddies, and that he's IM'ing all day with his wife. So there you go. No more coaching.

 

don't go to her birthday and if she or anyone else ask why - tell them you don't go where you aren't welcomed & invited.

 

I'm welcome but not invited. They "aren't celebrating" but my mom and aunt always go anyways. That's what she wants me to do, to go anyway. Today I had a fight with my mom. I bought a small gift for my SIL and told my mom that she could give it to her from me, I have important meetings tomorrow night. Even if I didn't have them, I wouldn't go.

 

Then my mom got all worked up, about how I should give it myself and how she doesn't want to interfere and how it would break my brother to see our family fall apart. I SNAPPED. I asked her whether she has ever said these things to him, and why am I the only one to get drilled on these ocassions, while THEY are the ones being anti-social and avoidant with me/us?

 

I hung up and am not going tomorrow, and also not giving the gift.

 

Seriously....I am so done being told what to do and being told what is right and what isn't by my mother. I had set boundaries on many other aspects of my life already, now it's time to draw the line here concerning my brother.

[writergal]

Sibling estrangement is more common than people think. And parents of estranged siblings are the worst mediators, because they 1) don't want their childrens' estrangement to go public, for fear of their reputation being tarnished as 'perfect parents' and 2) parents tend to side with the more dominant, successful sibling in cases of estrangement because to side with the underdog or scapegoat child means they have to take responsibility for being a sh*t parent to that child in the first place.

 

So, don't talk to your mom about your brother as she'll just take your brother's side if she hasn't already? Since your mom clearly doesn't have the knowledge you do about how social your brother is, leave it.

 

The best thing you can do is just accept it for what it is and try to build your life around your estranged brother.

 

I agree with you that you'd be better off not going to that celebration tomorrow. It would be too awkward if you did go and why subject yourself to that nonsense?

 

I've been happily estranged from my brother for over 5 years now. At first, it was a hard adjustment for everyone (including his children who were too young to remember me when we became estranged, and my sister's kids).

[SerCay]

The best thing you can do is just accept it for what it is and try to build your life around your estranged brother.

 

I agree with you that you'd be better off not going to that celebration tomorrow. It would be too awkward if you did go and why subject yourself to that nonsense?

 

Oh I have... I'm not bothered by anything he does or doesn't anymore, also don't care about his judging, I actually look down to his pettiness..

 

About the awkwardness...my point exactly!!! My SIL will usually be on her phone when we're there and my brother doesn't talk about anything else than his kid. They only talk about the kid and their holiday anekdotes. Yawnnn. Seriously, there's other stuff in the world than the kid and the anekdotes. I know why they do it...They don't want to engage in any topic that is related to something that has to do with me (because my SIL will get jealous). So typically, I won't be able to talk about a new job, a friend, etc something else. Because my brother will just nodd and switch topics, and my SIL won't even react. My mom has the habit of being awfully quiet and not speaking AT ALL during these family things. My aunt is the only one who i can have a nice convo with, but I don't need a family gathering to have nice conversations with her...I see her weekly. So there you go. Now imagine having to spend a couple of hours like this. Seriously, I don't see ANY reason why I should put up with it...

Edited June 30, 2015 by SerCay

[whichwayisup]

don't go to her birthday and if she or anyone else ask why - tell them you don't go where you aren't welcomed & invited.

 

This pretty much sums it up.

 

You let him know that you do love him but it's impossible to have any kind of relationship with him because of his wife and her influence. Tell him that it hurts how he's treated you and expects you to be there for him when he has rough times with his wife then disappears again and ignores you when things are better.

 

He is a shi.tty brother to you. Hope one day he realizes that ALL family is important.

[SerCay]

This pretty much sums it up.

 

You let him know that you do love him but it's impossible to have any kind of relationship with him because of his wife and her influence. Tell him that it hurts how he's treated you and expects you to be there for him when he has rough times with his wife then disappears again and ignores you when things are better.

 

He is a shi.tty brother to you. Hope one day he realizes that ALL family is important.

 

I've told him numerous times, he knows. One time my SIL even said: Well, you keep trying to make your brother care, but maybe he just doesn't care!

 

I've given up on him realizing, I just don't want to be bothered anymore by them. My mom has understood perfectly well after our last fight and me rudely hanging up on her that she shouldn't push me anymore for my brother.

[mrs rubble]

The SIL sounds like a nightmare.

Good on you for standing up to your mom!

I'd avoid the bother and SIL like the plague if I were you. If you are unfortunate enought to have to spend time around them and the SIL continues to make snide remarks- stand up to her too, and when your brother tries judging you- stand up to him as well. Only God can judge, why does your brother think he is God?

[SerCay]

why does your brother think he is God?

 

I honestly have no idea!!

 

He's kind of an hypocrite. Not only because NO human is perfect. Also because he has like 60k cc debts and works a ****ty job he doesn't enjoy, just because he's making enough money to buy his wife the luxury brands she wants. They can judge all they want. Their emptiness is seen from a far.