Girlfriend admits to cheating that happened a year ago

[Radu]

I don't think this will work out and here's why.

 

Hi all,

 

I am in a difficult place and seeking advice. I recently found out that my girlfriend of over 3 years slept with one of her exs about a year ago. I really can't figure out what to do because my whole life I have kind of been like "if a girl ever cheats on me it's not worth being in a relationship," but I honestly never expected this to happen in a billion years as she is my life as I am hers. She has been my only long term serious relationship and I am scared as hell to lose/ get rid of her.

Ok, so she cheated at the 2yr mark.

Then waited a full yr to tell you.

 

When she cheated she said we were in a big fight at the time and wasn't if it was going to repair (no idea what it was about, I can't remember, but we did have a fight a while ago where we didn't talk for about 5 days so it kind of makes sense) but we didn't break up or separate or anything like that. At the time one of her exs were talking to her/texting her and I assume comforting her. The guy sent her nude pics and asked for some of her and she responded with her own. Then later that day she had sex with him because she was in a "vulnerable state". She said they both felt terrible as they both had relationships and they bother vowed to never do it again. After she told me she cheated, She said things like she wishes she would have never met the guy and has no problem never talking to or seeing him again. After I found out she cheated, I messaged the guy and told him to lose all contact with her.

Issues with this situation :

- when normal ppl have a fight in a LTR that has spanned yrs, they don't go out and get laid if the relationship is still alive and they haven't talked in a few days; they mourn the situation ... they feel like cr*p

- a guy sending nude pics and asking for nude pics should be something a decent girl [the reverse is also true] should avoid.

Everything you send over the net is 'out there' forever impossible to delete.

She showed that she is crass, and doesn't think long term ... no standards here.

- a 'vulnerable state' ?; LTR are always a mix of good times and bad times ... it says so in the vows 'for better or worse'.

So what, next time it's 'for worse' you should superglue her legs together ? .... you know, just in case ?

- as bad as she feels about it, she told you 1yr later ... not immediately after.

Ppl who expose themselves willingly later do so for one of the reasons, revenge [when the relationship is done to get another stab at the partner], they feel guilt and want to reduce that guilt by exposing the situation, or just plain damage control because they are bound to be found out.

- her offering to never contact him again has no meaning, she gives up nothing she hasn't given up already

 

However, the reason I found out about this is apparently the dude started messaging her a few weeks ago for more nude pics and wanting to have sex again. She told me this because I saw that he was messaging her on Facebook and I confronted her about it. I felt like she was not telling me something so I kept on saying "please just tell me If something has ever happened I need to know, I won't be mad," but when she told me I was furious and I just wanted her out of my house. I was also spurting out **** like "the only way i could be ok with this is if we had a threeway with some chick" which she consented to . Since I had no idea how to deal with it I let her stay the night and I said I am going to pretend that that didn't happen for one more night then think about it tomorrow. We had sex and had terrible sleeps.

Huh, so basically you had to drag it out of her.

This is not offering information.

You uncovered the affair ... she did not offer it.

 

Also, the sex should be avoided for a number of reasons :

- she could try to get pregnant to keep the relationship [assume the worst, don't be an idiot]

- hysterical bonding messes with your head.

 

My issue is that I don't really want to throw away a relationship that I have been in for this long as I love her to death and spend almost every day with her. I truly feel that she has only cheated once and I honestly believe that she wouldn't do it again, but of course there's that nagging thought in my head that I am a doormat for forgiving a cheater and that she could do it again and there's probably no way for me to know. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Note: Counselling is out of the question as I am currently a college student and can barely afford to get by.

First of all i would like to point something out to you.

She did not tell you because she wanted to keep you, because it was best for her.

In effect she has removed from you the option of having choice; the old saying that 'if you love it set it free' is very much true and refers to selflessness ... something she lacks.

Her actions have solely been about what is best for her, selfishness and i would personally not trust anything she says or does because it's all about what is best for her.

She simply does not sound like a selfless person.

 

You are totally right, if you just forgive this, you encourage future behaviour of this nature.

In essence, it will be easier for her to hide such an affair in the future.

And she sounds like an opportunity seeker; what i mean is that she won't go out searching for an affair proactively. However, especially at these ages, women get bombarded by men who are horny with requests for sex, so next time you will be arguing with her, she might look for 'emotional support' in the arms [and d*ck] of another man.

The existence of this particular man, and the fact that she is willing to totally go NC with him does not have that much bearing if i am right about it because there will always be others.

 

Any Reconcilliation is also very tricky because right now she is willing to do anything to make this work.

I personally would be disgusted at her being OK with you having a 3some; first of all i would not believe she is serious about it [she just said OK to mend fences ... it's a totally different thing to see your SO doing it with another person in front of you], 2nd it takes a lot of trust to be able to do it right [which she just blew up completely], and 3rd ... to me it shows lack of self-respect.

I would personally have respected her more if she said 'no, my affair is on me and i bear full guilt over it, please don't do this revenge 3some'.

 

PS: Stop having sex with her, no matter how much she asks for it.

[aliveagain]

It only takes one infidelity to decide your future together, one infidelity is one infidelity too much. The be prepared to be a monk bullsh*t is just bullsh*t. If you set your standards too low guess what you'll get, someone with low standards.

[jen1447]

It only takes one infidelity to decide your future together, one infidelity is one infidelity too much. The be prepared to be a monk bullsh*t is just bullsh*t. If you set your standards too low guess what you'll get, someone with low standards.

 

Haha, ppl seem to have really liked that line. Of course a clear read of what I wrote shows that what I said is that if you expect to live a life where the mere prospect or possibility of cheating doesn't exist, or one where you're unprepared to deal with an incidence of cheating in some way other than an automatic blowup of your relationship, that's pretty much a fantasy and as such you'll have to forego relationships altogether to avoid it completely. If on the other hand you live in the real world, you deal with these issues as they come - and very few ppl go thru life issue-free - rather than exploding Rs the moment sth bad happens.

 

Ppl get past infidelity in Rs all the time.

[smackie9]

I believe a separation will help you to think things through. Right now you are full of emotional hurt and there is no way to think straight. People cheat for different reasons. Find out what lead up to this, why was there weakness, what was going on while this was happening, etc. The only way to move on from infidelity is to go through discovery (working/discussing the issues) before there can be recovery. With everyone it's always seems to be a slam dunk to dump. I know lots of people that got passed the infidelity, and have a much stronger relationship because of it....the realization of how important it is to communicate to your partner instead of dealing with things by using cheating as an to answer your problems.

[drifter777]

Haha, ppl seem to have really liked that line. Of course a clear read of what I wrote shows that what I said is that if you expect to live a life where the mere prospect or possibility of cheating doesn't exist, or one where you're unprepared to deal with an incidence of cheating in some way other than an automatic blowup of your relationship, that's pretty much a fantasy and as such you'll have to forego relationships altogether to avoid it completely. If on the other hand you live in the real world, you deal with these issues as they come - and very few ppl go thru life issue-free - rather than exploding Rs the moment sth bad happens.

 

Ppl get past infidelity in Rs all the time.

 

And some ppl don't. There is nothing wrong with a person for whom infidelity is a deal breaker.

 

I'm a BH so that has certainly influenced my philosophy on infidelity. Which side of the fence are you on?

[smackie9]

And some ppl don't. There is nothing wrong with a person for whom infidelity is a deal breaker.

 

I'm a BH so that has certainly influenced my philosophy on infidelity. Which side of the fence are you on?

 

I think she meant there isn't always just one answer in how one can deal with infidelity. She isn't condoning it.

[jen1447]

^ Yes. I didn't say intolerance of infidelity is categorically wrong, I said rushing to judgement on it on behalf of others or based on the input of uninformed and biased outsiders is reckless and reactionary, and that there are indeed other ways to deal with it that would be options for the OP that don't involve automatic destruction of the R. Automatic destruction of the R based on one incidence of cheating is not some sort of universal standard, no matter how angry anyone posting here may be about their own blown up Rs.

 

As to your followup question, I don't really understand it except to know that it sounds loaded.

[sandylee1]

What 'evidence' of cheating - that she was talking to an ex on FB?

 

People are good and bad and the world exists in shades of grey, and if one instance of cheating is automatically enough to blow up any relationship you're in, you'd better get used to doing that or become a monk.

 

It amazes me how much self-sabotage of happiness goes on in the world.

 

One instance of cheating is MORE THAN enough of a reason to end a relationship. I don't consider it self sabotage at all.

 

Seems like you view one of cheating as acceptable behaviour , which is fine if you do, but expecting your bf/gf not to cheat doesn't sound like an unreasonable expectation.

[jen1447]

^ Before I get into this, what do you mean by "one of cheating?"

[sandylee1]

^ Before I get into this, what do you mean by "one of cheating?"

 

Typo.........

 

I meant one incident of cheating is MORE THAN enough of a reason to end a relationship.. ....Basically it's one to many.

[jen1447]

Ok, thanks for clarifying. Let me clarify my own position on the OT and some things ....

 

First of all, I don't assert than one instance of cheating is never enough to end a R. I do assert that one instance of cheating is not always enough to end an R. Circumstances just vary so widely that it never could be automatic.

 

I consider instances like the OP's potentially self-sabotaging (like everyone else I don't really know bc I don't know the OP and all I know about their situation is what they wrote in a few paragraphs here) bc there seem to have been a lot of variables that weren't taken into consideration and the nature of the feedback was almost all reflexive overreaction imo, based on the same scant info I mentioned above. No one could possibly have enough info to make any categorical claims. Unfortunately the OP himself bought in and blew up the R. Was it actually salvageable? Who knows, but one thing I'm pretty sure of is that it wasn't a black and white disaster. Based again on the limited info we had.

 

I agree that expecting your SO not to cheat is not unreasonable, and I never said anything to the contrary here. What I find unrealistic however is an expectation that you'll never encounter that possibility in a lifetime of dating, and I feel that viewing an isolated instance of cheating as an automatic deal breaker for Rs is putting limits on yourself that will severely inhibit your likely ability to have a longterm, thriving R.

 

Each person is of course entitled to define their own dealbreakers. If one instance of cheating is enough to destroy OP's R, that's fine - particularly if he already knew his limits going in. If he didn't know those limits however and just overreacted to this situation when it finally happened to him due to unfamiliarity and the influence of what I perceive to be a biased audience here, I do indeed find that unfortunate, as it's possible the R could have survived and that she wasn't the devil, but those options and possibilities were never considered.

 

Lastly, I'm in no way suggesting that OP needs to be somehow more tolerant of cheating under some obligation to the concept of polyamory, nor have I suggested anything of the kind here, and it's silly that I'd even have to defend myself that way. I'm able to give advice/feedback apart from my own lifestyle inclinations.

 

Last-last thing - I'm just as entitle to have opinions and to voice them here as all the rest of you.

[66Charger]

One instance of cheating IS enough to blow up a R, you had better get used to it or get used to being DIVORCED.

 

Maintaining high expectations, dignity and honor apears to be outdated.

 

Not.

 

The BS dies not self sabotage a relationship. Is he/she cannot reconcile, thats always on the WS. That isnt self sabotage. The cheater killed the relationship. The BS just buries the carcass. Blaming the demise of a fractured relationship on a BS is twisted cheaterthunk. Maintaining your vows and honor is the best way to have a LONGTERM THRIVING R.

 

I Am surprised that anyone who has been a long term poster and reader on LS, and have read about the hurt and pain, could think differently. BS hurt for years and sometimes decades.

 

No thanks. One and your done. There are enough beautiful flowers out there that think the same.

Edited July 5, 2015 by 66Charger

[66Charger]

I will agree that a person can sabatoge a relationship prior to the cheating, that makes it not surprising. You cant treat your SO like dirt and expect sunshine everyday. In that case should there be some self reflection prior to divorce. Yes.

[sandylee1]

I'd say that the information given was sufficient in my view to advise the OP to end the relationship. The key points being :

 

- She didn't confess

- The texting pics was totally inappropriate (that alone could be a dealbreaker )

- It wasn't something that just happened, it was planned

- She was starting down that road and not shutting the OM down instantly. If she did , the OP would never have known

 

 

Then we add the fact that they aren't married, no kids and entering a marriage down the line with someone that gives such a fickle reason for cheating is too much of a gamble.

 

I personally maintain that certainly pre marriage, one should be intolerant of cheating and whilst there's a lot of it going on........they should walk on discovering there BF/GF is cheating. If they can't meet the basic and simple expectation of being faithful, a minute more with them is a waste of time IMO.

 

Jen - of course you're entiltled to your opinion. ☺ No one suggested otherwise, just seems most of us disagreed with it this time.

[Spectre]

Dump her, you might love her, but if she loved you there would be no cheating. She'd of been able to keep it in her pants. She couldn't so there is no love or respect there for her part.

 

So why would you want trash like this in your life, even as a friend? I'm glad to see you booted her to the curb. Good, of course she cried..that is what cheaters do when they see no other recourse.

 

What 'evidence' of cheating - that she was talking to an ex on FB?

 

People are good and bad and the world exists in shades of grey, and if one instance of cheating is automatically enough to blow up any relationship you're in, you'd better get used to doing that or become a monk.

 

It amazes me how much self-sabotage of happiness goes on in the world.

 

Self sabotage..you mean like cheating on your boyfriend? Yeah, sucks when people sabotage their relationship that way I agree. Since you obviously didn't mean the guy who was cheated on was practicing self sabotage, right? Because that would be insane.

Edited July 9, 2015 by Spectre