mimiMobile Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 So my ex and I are talking about getting back together. We've had a really long sit down - a few times now - and he mentioned ot me over the weekend that he wants to begin going out on dates and enjoying each other's company and taking it slow. The thing is, we used to live together and our life was very much intertwined. We were together for 3 years, lived for 2, and split for 6-7 months. I don't know how to set my expectations in terms of when I hear from him, how far in advance these dates are supposed to be scheduled without feeling like let down every time. Because I naturally go back to when we were last together and literally checking in on one another minimum of 2-3x a day. So naturally, when that doesn't happen, I don't know if that's normal or not. When the relationship was fresh, he'd call EVERY day and would book me in advance all of the time. But I know years have passed and dating an ex is a lot more different than starting a new relationship. So when I don't hear from him e.g. phone call or whatever it makes me antsy. Is this normal? Anyone have experience? Link to post Share on other sites
eve_k Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 So my ex and I are talking about getting back together. We've had a really long sit down - a few times now - and he mentioned ot me over the weekend that he wants to begin going out on dates and enjoying each other's company and taking it slow. The thing is, we used to live together and our life was very much intertwined. We were together for 3 years, lived for 2, and split for 6-7 months. I don't know how to set my expectations in terms of when I hear from him, how far in advance these dates are supposed to be scheduled without feeling like let down every time. Because I naturally go back to when we were last together and literally checking in on one another minimum of 2-3x a day. So naturally, when that doesn't happen, I don't know if that's normal or not. When the relationship was fresh, he'd call EVERY day and would book me in advance all of the time. But I know years have passed and dating an ex is a lot more different than starting a new relationship. So when I don't hear from him e.g. phone call or whatever it makes me antsy. Is this normal? Anyone have experience? One thing is for sure, you shouldn't be feeling antsy but happy. Talk to him about it... Link to post Share on other sites
ravfour4 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 (edited) Yes it's normal. You got back what you wanted and you never thought it would come back - you're scared it will leave againn. This happened to me, but instead of playing it cool we both tried to force it by hanging out every day for 3 weeks - it exploded. Take things slowly and try not to care if he doesn't respond, picture it like hitting a tennis ball over a net - you have to wait for the other person to hit it back. Let the moments of silence be a time for you both to think and for attraction to grow. In fact, I'm feeling antsy right now. The ex said she wanted to hangout sometime this week after a fun day together last Wednesday, we texted very briefly over the weekend and now I haven't heard anything. It's only been 2 days - but you start thinking "hmm, why aren't they reaching out?". going from texting often everyday for 4 years to this is weird, just like you're feeling. It will either end up being a sign that it won't work or it will be what's necessary for attraction to grow. Edited June 30, 2015 by ravfour4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cailinsona Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I've reconciled with an ex, so I understand what you're going through. There is definitely a temptation to fast forward the dating process and to think that it's ok to skip the whole dating process. It's so important to take your time. You've both changed after the time apart and time is essential in rebuilding trust. If it's going to work out, time getting to know each other all over again is never going to be a waste. Try to change your mind set and let go of the anxiety that I know you must be feeling. Enjoy the here and now. Enjoy the fun part of dating. Worry less about projecting into the future. What's the rush after all? Isn't it important to have a solid foundation and friendship, particularly after having gone through a breakup? You will look back and ultimately really appreciate taking things slowly and hopefully building something that will last the second time around. Good luck. It's amazing to have a second chance with someone you love Link to post Share on other sites
Author mimiMobile Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 thanks for the replies. I guess my concern is that there is just so little communication. When we met, he had a work from home type job and would always find time in the day to call / text / see me. It was to the point where we would be seeing each other almost every day in the beginning of dating period. Now, he is a full time police officer that works odd shifts and when we lived together, he would always find time to at minimum call to check in on me on his way to work. It irks me when we hung out this weekend and had a super heavy discussion about getting back to dating and then just like that nothing. Only a text here and there of how is my day going. I don't want to sound needy or clingy and I want to give myself a reality check if that is what I am being. But in my opinion, if you are trying to work things out with someone, you'd try to engage them more on a day to day basis, even if taking things slow. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Who broke up with who the first time? What was the cause of the break up if anything? It could be that maybe after spending time w/you again that he's having second thoughts about a reconciliation? Or.. it could be that he's trying to play it cool and not come across to strong. Either way, you need to breathe and not get TOO invested so quickly. Treat him like a new guy you just met and are starting to date. Reconciliations are very tricky, especially at the beginning. I'd advise you to keep your guard up as well. Nothing stinks more than trying a failed relationship again only for it to not work and have to heal from it a second time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mimiMobile Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 (edited) Technically, it was me who left but it's a very gray area. What happened was I moved out as an ultimatum because he wasn't proposing. I know, it was bad, I was a nightmare and had to do a lot of soul searching and therapy work to address my issues of putting so much pressure on the issue. Originally, we agreed to stay together but after i moved out, he quickly turned the other way because the weight of me moving out was overwhleming. I went through hell for months and months and months. About a month and a half ago we hit a point where he: a. cooled off from the entire break up b. re-evaluated the realtionship c. we met up and he "went weak in the knees" and rediscovered he still had deep feelings for me d. decided to work on getting back together e. he was in a rebound relationship during this duration and has been slowly distancing himself Since our initial reunion and the turning point, we've met up 2-3x per week where he would talk my ear off about the relationship and the points where he was unhappy. I kept asking him why he would want to get back after all of that and he said because he still had feelings for me and we had an undeniably strong chemistry. Some of the points he brought up about why he was unhappy were VERY hard to hear but it was also really good he shared them with me because it opened my eyes to the issues he saw that I brought to the relationship and I can now take it as a learning opportunity and not repeat / work on them. He called me last night after work.. his brother got engaged and wanted to share the news with me first, then mentioned he was making certain house hold changes and wanted to see if I woudl approve (a good sign I would think). Again, not mention of hang out but he has always been last minute kind of a guy even in relatinoships. I took many of your advice here and just decided to breathe and look at him as a new guy instead of waiting for my old ex boyfriend to call back and it's actually eased things up a lot... I'll continue to go through the journey. What a pain in the ass. Last time I ever make a rash decision to move out ever again. Edited July 2, 2015 by mimiMobile Link to post Share on other sites
ravfour4 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 How are things going Mimi? Link to post Share on other sites
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