Started dating hot and heavy, and now she says she not ready for this. What next?

[markh]

For a number of months, I occasionally kept in touch with a girl I used to work with and was quite attracted to and after a few casual lunches and dinners, she came over to my place on a Saturday night to watch a DVD. Long story short, we ended up making out on the couch for two hours (but no sex). Interestingly, I asked her later if she knew I liked her when she came over/did she expect me to make a move on her and she said no, she was totally suprised.

 

In any case, we then saw each other on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday for lunch or dinner and were always holding hands or being very cuddly (but we stayed in public places, so things remained limited to a few kisses). Also, we exchanged emails/texts that were consistent with what you'd expect in the early stages of a relationship. On Thursday night, she looked a bit troubled, so I ask her what's wrong and she asks what I'm looking for in my next relationship. I tell her that I'm old enough (34) and I've dated enough that I'm now hoping to find the person I'll spend the rest of my life with. She says "me too" but still looks troubled, and then says but maybe I'm not the right person for you. I asked her why she'd say that and she says she doesn't know. She then starts asking if it feels like we skipped a step, don't really know each other very well, became physical too fast, and don't have a foundation for the relationship. I replied, well every relationship starts off differently, and as for foundation, that's why we have to spend a lot of time together now!

 

Well, she's going on a 2 week trip the following night so she then offers to come by my place the next morning to bring me breakfast. She comes over and in 5 minutes we're making out in the bedroom for the next hour (no sex, but heavy petting through clothing). Now I should point out that (1) she's fairly young (26 y/o), (2) by my estimation she's a really good girl/quite innocent, and (3) a strong Mormon (lived in Utah, did a mission). As we're lying there, she again looks troubled and then says, "can I tell you something?" Now two things instantly jump to my mind, (1) she's a virgin, or (2) she's going to say this isn't going to work out b/c I'm not a Mormon. She says "I don't think I'm ready for this." When I ask why she says "I'm not over my last relationship, and this isn't fair to you." We talk for a little bit and she tells me her last relationship ended 2 years ago and it lasted for 1 year (so much for the 50% time rule for geting over someone). She then starts pulling away looks really sad and tells me that she's really sorry, I should just forget about her and don't wait for her, etc. I remain calm and smiling and tell her that I know that's not how this is going to play out. Nobody goes into a relationship perfectly ready; everyone has baggage and I 'm a very patient guy and have been through this before (which is true). She starts telling me that no, we're not going to see each other anymore, or if we do we can only be friends. I tell her its too late for that and she's shaking her head and almost crying saying no, its not. I say look, I like you, you like me.... and she looks down and says yes, but not enough. She leaves and doesn't want me to even kiss her goodbye. I later text her and tell her to try not to think about what happened this morning and to just go and have a fabulous vacation. She replies "I'm so sorry, this was all my bad. Please just forgive and forget me. Take care and goodbye." By the time I saw the msg I knew she was on the plane so I later simply replied "Don't be so silly and melodramatic--this is not a soap opera! Hope you had a good flight. See you." This was a couple of days ago and she has not replied.

 

I do like this girl a lot and she is the first person I've been really excited about in a long time. While I am concerned about whether religion will ultimately become an issue (I'm not a member of any organized religion), I would like to see whether we have a chance for a LTR. She will be out of town for at least a week more. I've generally found that people (including myself) are often unable to do what they intellectually know is the "right" thing to do when their emotions want something else. I really believe that she is missing me right now (as I am her) and will want to see me when she gets back. In fact she has a good excuse to see me as she's bringing me something that I asked her to pick up. I'd like to get the advice of the folks here on how I should proceed here.

[outdated]

You have no choice but to back off for a while. She's telling you she doesn't want to commit- yet. Maybe later she will, but for now, just play it cool.