I think im forcing myself to be forever alone to avoid further rejection

[Keyotse]

Hi there.

 

Im 22 years old and a FtM (female to male) im not hideous at all, nor do I have a bad personality. Im actually attractive and kind if awesome. But I certainly am treated like a leper.

 

And its not so much rejection I fear, its trying and being completely ignored. Not harassed or appreciated, but, completely seen as though my efforts dissolve into thin air.

 

At the moment I am unemployed and lost all of my friends, all for separate reasons.

Having no job, not even a minimum wage job, greatly paralyzes my freedom and restricts my movement. I spend my day, other than trips to the grocery store, 99% concealed within 4 walls. I apply for 2 or 3 jobs a day, and spend the next five days calling them, only to be stalled by lingering answers ("Oh, the store manager is not here. " "oh theyre on vacation." "oh try tomorrow." "Did you call us yesterday? Yeah, sorry, the position is full.") so there's that.

 

So as I sift through rounds of failure I can't help but notice that the dating front is even worse. Im looking for a nice person to talk to for a few weeks before I can finally afford car insurance to meet them. A lot of people suggested okcupid, so I just terminated the membership I had for two years due to the avalanche of disappointment. I mentioned on my profile that I was trans, not a big fan of sex and preferred to avoid it at all costs, but 60% of the inbox content was shirtless flexing washboards telling me how much of a "pretty girl" I was and what positions i like to do it in. They werent trolling, they were just genuinely moronic and horny.

 

The rest were the disturbing messages asking about the status of my genitals and "how does that work" after they tell me they think im cool enough to date. Of course I decline them. You dont open up the blinds with any standard person like " Hello. Do you want to go for coffee someday? Great! Are you circumsized?"

 

And of course, the endless messages that weren't returned.

 

I have a strange, but important interest in my life. In childhood i was sexually taken advantage of by a stranger and physically/verbally abused by my parents. Im not sure if this is a result of this, but I like to "role-play" to the age of a young child from time to time. Its an affection need more than a sexual one. I've met a few of my past relationships from this idea, one where i was a caregiver to a Stanford graduate. But when I moved in after 8 months, on the 5th day of living with him, he told me he "didn't know what he wanted." out of life and spilled me off.

 

Granted this "DDlb" dynamic makes things really difficult when it comes to finding a person, but there are a lot of happy and successful couples out there who embrace it.

 

Do you ever have a partner that you look to after a resulting terrible relationship? You find your innocence and optimism is corrupted by one person, so you meet the second person. A more caring and kinder person. And you take advantage of this person. Because you cant help it. You coerce this person sexually, you neglect them, you think they're a **** . Then you dump them because you feel bad and openly regret how you feel, even going as far as to tell them that and spend the rest of your life apologizing. Then you move on and root yourself into a perfectly stable and ideal relationship and you're contended for years. You even have kids and a house. You, in the back of your mind secretly thank the person that handled your terrible side so you could romance the "real one" behind their back.

 

That's been me. I've been the one to have been taken advantage of and used. To this day I still get messages and "hey" s from these people, who start it off with how theyre "just so sorry". Then continue about how great their life is and how they love their new partner. Of course, they for the most part have left me alone. And all im left with are these break ups from friends that are usually arguments, because how I reached out to them during those poisonous relationships. Granted, my friends are all happily coupled.

 

My most recent experiences have been personals, left on Reddit, or different sites, and they've all turned to dust with no responses/ messages.

 

Yesterday I read about some buddhist philosophies and how all suffering stems from desire. I think that if I neglect my loving side and my "little" side, long enough, and dont try anymore and dont let people near me who do try (nobody ever ****ing will). Ill simply not want to be in a relationship a few years later. Im wobbling between accepting this and fighting this. Is this a good idea to spend the rest 60 years of my life unpartnered because of the terrible experiences I had?

[Grumpybutfun]

No one should be alone or let fear keep them from fighting for what they want in life. Indifference and passivity is its own prison. The Buddhist quote you are referring to is often misinterpreted to mean giving up on wanting things, when I have thought it means not trying to change others or circumstances beyond your control, but accept them as they are, not how you think they should be. Everyone should definitely desire things and work towards those goals. Rejection is a part of life, and though it feels very personal to you right now...most rejection stems from a lack in the rejector, not the recipient.

 

Your fear of rejection is holding you back and it is due to internal conflicts and past abuses. Therefore, in order to truly live your best life and see opportunity and hope, you must reconcile that past and also your transition. Accepting yourself seems to be something you need a little help with....not just as transgender but as a human being who deserves to be happy and have a healthy functioning life with love in it. Jobs, friendships, daily life can all be influenced and diminished by your internal struggles. Therefore I'm going to suggest a therapist who specializes in SA and also transgender support. Also, if you haven't done so yet, look for local transgender support groups.

 

Good luck,

Grumps

Edited June 30, 2015 by Grumpybutfun