Author Josmatjes Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 Oh, this is hard. xMM's wife suspects our A but does not know. My H knows but decided not to tell her. He sort of maintains the right to change his mind at any time. But I've put myself in her shoes and I feel terrible for her. Since she is suspicious and I know has questioned xMM multiple times (he denies and gaslights her), she must feel absolutely so frustrated and confused. She has actually seen enough evidence with her own eyes that would make any woman know in her gut, but there's no "smoking gun." And he has the lying and manipulation down to a science. I just know that she must be questioning her own reality and sanity. Because of that, I have thought that if she ever contacts me directly, and (calmly) asks me if I would have an adult conversation with her, I think I would consider doing it. Perhaps with my H there. But for her sake, I think I would. Every situation is different I know. I just feel bad that she has to live with those suspicions that she feels deep down are true, and is faced with a man that will go to his grave refusing to admit anything, even if he knows it would save her mental health. He doesn't care. This is how I feel. I feel so awful but she will never talk calmly and she just doesn't seem stable. My husband thinks someone is going to get hurt...she is going to end up arrested. I don't think me telling her will do any good except anger her more...it's such an awful situation and my bad choices caused this.... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I want to be truthfully but there is no telling what she would do. Xmm told me she would drive her car through my house.she has massive anger issues. I just don't know what to do... Fact that she is writing you and asking questions, she obviously KNOWS enough and her husband is gas lighting her to the point she feels crazy. I doubt very much she's going to drive her car through your house. He just doesn't want you to tell her anything that would contradict his lies he's told her. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 Fact that she is writing you and asking questions, she obviously KNOWS enough and her husband is gas lighting her to the point she feels crazy. I doubt very much she's going to drive her car through your house. He just doesn't want you to tell her anything that would contradict his lies he's told her. I would totally agree with you if I hadn't seen first hand how unstable she is. The thing is, she knows and she hates him but she stays and refuses to get a job or counciling or anything. She loves playing the victim and yes what happened was awful and she did not deserve it at all. But enough is enough, she needs to either make changes or just accept that he is a serial cheater.she can't just call people every few months accusing but never making changes and that's not healthy and I HAVEtried to help her. But some people don't want help and they like playing the poor me card... I feel bad but I have to bow out of this as gracefully as I can... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
donnabella8 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 So I blocked him but not her!! I'm so stupid.... Now he is texting me....Jesus... I'm confused - I thought you said you blocked him. How is he texting you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 I'm confused - I thought you said you blocked him. How is he texting you? Itwasanother number... Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Keep all records of texts and messages. Then show them to a lawyer and get him/her to draft a letter warning BOTH of them that any further contact will be considered harassment, and you will take legal measures to prevent any further contact. It must come from a lawyer, and be utterly uncompromising. This sounds like a great idea, as she needs to be stopped with some "force".... enough to make it happen. If this woman is as unstable as Josmatjes says, someone easily could get hurt and we don't want that. Josmatjes need this woman out of her life (as well as the OM), and concentrate on a great relationship with her husband. Josmatjes, good luck to you. You don't need this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 So I blocked him but not her!! I'm so stupid.... Almost9 weeks and she starts texting me accusing me of things. I just said I'm sorry that I cannot help her and that I hope that her and her husband can work it out...she keeps asking millions of questions and I just feel so awful. What do I do? Nothing. Block her too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 (edited) I agree with the others who say to block if you plan on not answering any questions. Her WH is probably making her nuts as well with conflicting information. Do what is best for YOU! Just a side note: MOW was the one who let me know my WH's A had gone underground. She also answered all of my questions at that time. It was the one time I did not harbor any anger towards her. We compared stories and he would always bounce back and forth between us two placating whoever was the most upset at the time with his lies. I am very thankful to this day for the MOW, she actually let me finally see who my WH REALLY is. Are you still married to him? Now he is texting me....Jesus... I hope you didn't respond and blocked that number too? Edited July 1, 2015 by Popsicle Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Itwasanother number... Then change your number. He knows you have blocked him, don't want to talk to him so he uses another number to contact you? That's so invasive of him to do. He doesn't care about what you want. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I want to be truthfully but there is no telling what she would do. Xmm told me she would drive her car through my house.she has massive anger issues. I just don't know what to do... Let me parlay that into married-man speak, if I may. "Don't tell my wife the truth even through I'm literally driving her crazy with my lying, manipulation, minimizing and gaslighting. If you tell her the truth, I'll be forced to face the consequences for my REAL actions instead of the minimized lies I told her about the affair. Furthermore, I told her YOU were the aggressor, YOU forced me into the affair, and YOU were threatening to tell my wife if I dared to stop the affair. If you tell her the truth, she'll realize you're NOT the psychotic stalker I was forced to have an affair with." You're welcome. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Then change your number. He knows you have blocked him, don't want to talk to him so he uses another number to contact you? That's so invasive of him to do. He doesn't care about what you want. LOL. Of course he doesn't care. Saving his ass is priority #1. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 Let me parlay that into married-man speak, if I may. "Don't tell my wife the truth even through I'm literally driving her crazy with my lying, manipulation, minimizing and gaslighting. If you tell her the truth, I'll be forced to face the consequences for my REAL actions instead of the minimized lies I told her about the affair. Furthermore, I told her YOU were the aggressor, YOU forced me into the affair, and YOU were threatening to tell my wife if I dared to stop the affair. If you tell her the truth, she'll realize you're NOT the psychotic stalker I was forced to have an affair with." You're welcome. He actually wanted to tell her andi begged him not to,because there are too many other factors I cannot discuss now. He also did tell her that he pursued me and there is proof of that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Are you still married to him? Unfortunately yes. I do, however, see D in my future! i am trying to mentally get there first. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 As someone that has been intruded on for over 2 years by our OW I can say no one deserves to be harassed- I will say sadly, if you think legal action will help, it probably will not- it sends it underground in ways you could never imagine because you are not nutty like she is (example- I get free magazines mailed to my house with her first name and our last name-there is more, but you get the picture) So, head down and wait for the storm to pass- sadly, that is all anyone can do- 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 There is nothing you can do for her that will be helpful. If she needs answers, they should come from her husband. This is now between them. You apologized, step away from the insanity. Change your phone number. I did it after my XAP husband and angry friends were texting me. It won't stop. Protect yourself and yes, document every last thing. If needed, get a restraining order. Have you told your husband about the recent contacts? I don't know what your marriage has been like, but if its supportive and going well, it might be a good idea to share the recent events. Best to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 There is nothing you can do for her that will be helpful. If she needs answers, they should come from her husband. This is now between them. You apologized, step away from the insanity. Change your phone number. I did it after my XAP husband and angry friends were texting me. It won't stop. Protect yourself and yes, document every last thing. If needed, get a restraining order. Have you told your husband about the recent contacts? I don't know what your marriage has been like, but if its supportive and going well, it might be a good idea to share the recent events. Best to you. Yes my husband knows. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 He actually wanted to tell her andi begged him not to,because there are too many other factors I cannot discuss now. He also did tell her that he pursued me and there is proof of that. For clarity....have you lied to her when she first started asking you questions? If so, are those initial lies still lies...or have you now answered honestly? Is the XMM still lying about the stuff you wanted him to lie about? I only ask because...if those lies are still lies...that is what is driving the BS over the ledge. It is called gaslighting..a form of emotional/mental abuse. The compulsive need for answers usually diminishes when the truth is given. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 For clarity....have you lied to her when she first started asking you questions? If so, are those initial lies still lies...or have you now answered honestly? Is the XMM still lying about the stuff you wanted him to lie about? I only ask because...if those lies are still lies...that is what is driving the BS over the ledge. It is called gaslighting..a form of emotional/mental abuse. The compulsive need for answers usually diminishes when the truth is given. I try to answer as honestly as possible without full disclosure to her. I don't want her to be hurt but I think the full truth would actually hurt her more. I'm doing the best I can and I ave never been mean or nasty with her even though she is harassing me and abusing me. I guess I feel I deserve it... Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 She knows she is not getting the full truth. It is why she won't let it go. She knows there is more meat on that bone. Will the full truth hurt more? Maybe but then she can hopefully start the process of moving on. If you want the next time you talk, tell her she has 10 minutes. You will fully and honestly answer any question but then it is done. No more contact. Or just block. But the halfs she has been getting is just making it worse. IMHO 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RainDown Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 If you live in a state that allows alienation of affection lawsuits it would be a bad idea to tell her anything. It could open you to legal consequences later. If it's all clear on that front, I would allow one conversation - with the stipulation that if she becomes abusive to you, you will end the conversation and that will be that. Tell her you will speak to her ONE TIME about the affair; after that any continued communication from her will be considered harassment. The reality is that you freely and willingly opened the door and walked into her marriage and when you did that you also opened the door to her questions and wrath. You need to own that and take responsibility for the fact that you and her husband started this chain of events that is causing her to be a crazy woman. He's being a coward (obviously) and not giving her the answers she wants; there's nothing you can do about that. You, however, can clean up your side of the street, take responsibility for what you did, and if there are consequences to that, so be it. I'm not telling you this to be mean or to judge you. I've had to explain myself to more than one BW in the past and it wasn't pleasant. So, trust me when I tell you I've been there. In my younger days my go to response was "Leave me alone and go ask your husband." I really thought I owed BWs nothing because "I" wasn't the one married to them. I actually believed that. Now I realize that walking into someone else's marriage makes me a part of that marriage whether I like it or not and when/if I'm confronted with an angry and hurt BW I don't get to just walk away and say, "Oh, well. Not my problem". It is my problem. I chose it. I own it. I take responsibility for it. My two cents. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 If you live in a state that allows alienation of affection lawsuits it would be a bad idea to tell her anything. It could open you to legal consequences later. If it's all clear on that front, I would allow one conversation - with the stipulation that if she becomes abusive to you, you will end the conversation and that will be that. Tell her you will speak to her ONE TIME about the affair; after that any continued communication from her will be considered harassment. The reality is that you freely and willingly opened the door and walked into her marriage and when you did that you also opened the door to her questions and wrath. You need to own that and take responsibility for the fact that you and her husband started this chain of events that is causing her to be a crazy woman. He's being a coward (obviously) and not giving her the answers she wants; there's nothing you can do about that. You, however, can clean up your side of the street, take responsibility for what you did, and if there are consequences to that, so be it. I'm not telling you this to be mean or to judge you. I've had to explain myself to more than one BW in the past and it wasn't pleasant. So, trust me when I tell you I've been there. In my younger days my go to response was "Leave me alone and go ask your husband." I really thought I owed BWs nothing because "I" wasn't the one married to them. I actually believed that. Now I realize that walking into someone else's marriage makes me a part of that marriage whether I like it or not and when/if I'm confronted with an angry and hurt BW I don't get to just walk away and say, "Oh, well. Not my problem". It is my problem. I chose it. I own it. I take responsibility for it. My two cents. I will consider this. I think I am a coward too. It hurts to think of myself this way because I've always been the morally correct one. I made a bad decision at the expense of someone else. My main concern is that we live very close and our kids all go to the same school. I know she will slander my name and make it difficult for me and also my children. She already had her kids ignore my 8 year old and she doesnt understand why. For me at this point I get that she want truth but to what length?? She is willing to hurt children. You see I cannot allow that! I'm angry because she is involving them instead of dealing like a mature adult. If she were acting rationally I would tell her but I just do not knw what her reaction will be because she is unstable..... You see what I'm saying here? Link to post Share on other sites
RainDown Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I will consider this. I think I am a coward too. It hurts to think of myself this way because I've always been the morally correct one. I made a bad decision at the expense of someone else. My main concern is that we live very close and our kids all go to the same school. I know she will slander my name and make it difficult for me and also my children. She already had her kids ignore my 8 year old and she doesnt understand why. For me at this point I get that she want truth but to what length?? She is willing to hurt children. You see I cannot allow that! I'm angry because she is involving them instead of dealing like a mature adult. If she were acting rationally I would tell her but I just do not knw what her reaction will be because she is unstable..... You see what I'm saying here? Yes, I do see what you are saying here, which is all the more reason to talk to her. YOU created this situation. YOU did the behavior that slanders you and makes things difficult for you and your children. YOU were also willing to hurt children. Yet, now you say, "You see I cannot allow that!" What? You not only allowed it, you STARTED it, and you started it with someone unstable. If YOU were acting rationally you never would have exposed yourself and your children to this trainwreck you are now trying to blame on her. If you don't want this to get worse you need to do some serious thinking about the best way to diffuse her, up to and including moving elsewhere if or when your children start to suffer from your bad decision to get this party started in the first place. This is a hot mess. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 The MM doesn't tell her the truth because you asked him not to. So he is still protecting you. She is calling /texting you. What are you apologing to her for? That he was attracted to you? She doesn't know it was an affair yet, correct? Her keeping her kids away from your child/meaning you is because she doesn't want a reason for her husband to come in contact with you. That isn't crazy acting. What is she doing that that is crazy? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 The MM doesn't tell her the truth because you asked him not to. So he is still protecting you. She is calling /texting you. What are you apologing to her for? That he was attracted to you? She doesn't know it was an affair yet, correct? Her keeping her kids away from your child/meaning you is because she doesn't want a reason for her husband to come in contact with you. That isn't crazy acting. What is she doing that that is crazy? No it's not that. I totally get her keeping her husband from me. The texting what is crazy and she has driven by my house. I think she is unstable because apparently she is finding out more things about other woman. Which he told me never happened but I think he is lying ( obviously) and his wife said to me... Do you think you were the only one? And I did:( I'm naive and stupid and my wish for her is to leave this *******. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 . She already had her kids ignore my 8 year old and she doesnt understand why. For me at this point I get that she want truth but to what length?? She is willing to hurt children. You see I cannot allow that! How do you know she had her kids ignore your daughter? How do you know she is willing to hurt children? Link to post Share on other sites
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