What do you say to the OW

[RainDown]

Thanks.

 

She no longer has the working requirement to contact him, however she can still look and find excuses to see him if she wants.

 

My wanting to 'enlighten' her in a general, nondirect way is also because I see how she flirts, and chases after two other married men. I'd love to tell their wives what she does but unfortunately don't know them.

 

Any ideas on what to say to this 'perfect person'?

 

Yes, nothing. From what I gather in this thread, your husband likes the attention of other women. Even if you manage to contain this OW (which I doubt is possible) your husband will just replace that attention supply with someone else. Then you have to somehow chase that one off, too - and on and on it goes.

 

You husband and his need for female attention is the problem. Coupled with his poor boundaries, you are fighting a losing battle here. Your husband needs to establish proper boundaries and fix whatever is going on with him that drives his need for attention from extraneous women.

 

Is he willing to work on that?

[elaine567]

YOU thought you were doing the right thing by getting her removed from your husband's immediate work space, but hospitals are big open places and they can arrange to meet for coffee in the canteen, or find a quiet place somewhere else to talk or hang out, and if he has an office, she can go there on her breaks.

Even if you got her sacked, she could walk into the hospital and meet him there.

They could arrange to meet down town, etc. etc.

 

YOU are on a hiding to nothing here, hospitals are full of women interacting with men on a daily basis. There is a lot of playful flirting, there is a lot of banter and there is sometimes some serious stuff going on too.

That is what you are up against, the OW from the EA, may be the obvious threat, but if your husband likes "womenly attention", then that quiet student nurse on the ward may be far more of a threat to you, than she ever was.

 

OR he may just be one of those guys who loves the attention, loves the flirting and the banter from women colleagues and would never in a million years ever cheat on you.

 

You are still obsessing over her and another, and forgetting the key pin in all this is your husband.

Is he willing to listen to your concerns, or is he brushing them off?

Was he remorseful re the EA texting or did he gas-light you or minimised it? Do you suspect a PA?

 

YOU can only cage him off from other women, if he is willing to be caged.

If he is not willing to be "caged", then you have to either put up and shut up, learn to trust OR leave, otherwise all this speculation and worry, will send you crazy.

 

How did you meet your husband?

Are you yourself the nurse that "got her claws into him", and so you know how that works and it scares you maybe?

[kendahke]

Can you explain?

 

You can only control how closely to this man you choose to place yourself.

 

Running around checking for other women is a waste of your time when the problem is that you are married to a man who prizes female attention above the feelings of his wife. It's always going to be something jumping off between you two because he won't check himself and you choose to remain with him.

 

It has nothing to do with any woman being perfect. It has to do with what he feels he's entitled to do, damb how you feel. Until you understand that that is the cruxt of your issue, you're going to be wasting your time fending off and confronting women to whom he's already given his permission to pursue him. You are wasting your time and putting your desperation on display. Stop doing that.

 

As many of us here keep saying: your husband is the problem, not the women. A locked door needs a key to open it unless it's already open. He's an open door and your key no longer fits his lock because he's changed the lock.

Edited July 15, 2015 by kendahke

[whenisitenough]

YOU thought you were doing the right thing by getting her removed from your husband's immediate work space, but hospitals are big open places and they can arrange to meet for coffee in the canteen, or find a quiet place somewhere else to talk or hang out, and if he has an office, she can go there on her breaks.

Even if you got her sacked, she could walk into the hospital and meet him there.

They could arrange to meet down town, etc. etc.

 

YOU are on a hiding to nothing here, hospitals are full of women interacting with men on a daily basis. There is a lot of playful flirting, there is a lot of banter and there is sometimes some serious stuff going on too.

That is what you are up against, the OW from the EA, may be the obvious threat, but if your husband likes "womenly attention", then that quiet student nurse on the ward may be far more of a threat to you, than she ever was. TRUE.

 

OR he may just be one of those guys who loves the attention, loves the flirting and the banter from women colleagues and would never in a million years ever cheat on you. DON"T KNOW.

 

You are still obsessing over her and another, and forgetting the key pin in all this is your husband.

Is he willing to listen to your concerns, or is he brushing them off?

Was he remorseful re the EA texting or did he gas-light you or minimised it? YES. Do you suspect a PA? NOT WITH HER BUT MAYBE WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

 

YOU can only cage him off from other women, if he is willing to be caged.

If he is not willing to be "caged", then you have to either put up and shut up, learn to trust OR leave, otherwise all this speculation and worry, will send you crazy.

 

How did you meet your husband?

Are you yourself the nurse that "got her claws into him", and so you know how that works and it scares you maybe?

 

No, I am not a nurse. We met in medical school 22 years ago. I was dating someone so I refused to meet with him even as friends (didn't want to complicate things with my then boyfriend). One year later, after relationship w/ bf over, I took him up on his offer. We were both single and I thought we would be friends but he made it a point to see me everyday and the rest you know.

 

I'm not the type to put my claws in someone rather the opposite. If someone doesn't like me I respect and don't force myself. I've seen her texts , that's how I know she is very pushy. It's sick. I'd like to warn these two other wives.

 

So true what you said above about hospitals. But I do think I have made people more aware of this one. Not only for me but for their patients who need attentive care.

[kendahke]

I've seen her texts , that's how I know she is very pushy. It's sick.

 

She can push from now til times get better, but if your husband wasn't greenlighting it, she'd have moved on long before now. I can guarantee you that his cell phone has a block feature on it that he won't use. A man who doesn't want to be bothered acts like a man who doesn't want to be bothered.

 

I'd like to warn these two other wives.

 

If you feel right is on your side, then you should go ahead and tell them. You should fear nothing or no one if you feel you are in the right.

[elaine567]

I've seen her texts , that's how I know she is very pushy. It's sick. I'd like to warn these two other wives.

 

OK, this is all very noble of you, informing other wives, but unless you get your husband to block her then what good is informing others going to do you, apart from a momentary feeling of getting one up on her?

Does he now show you her texts or do you just find them?

Where is the woman you thought he had a PA with, is she still around?

 

How is your actual communication with your husband, sounds like it may not be good?

[whenisitenough]

OK, this is all very noble of you, informing other wives, but unless you get your husband to block her then what good is informing others going to do you, apart from a momentary feeling of getting one up on her?

Does he now show you her texts or do you just find them? He has distanced himself from her.

 

Where is the woman you thought he had a PA with, is she still around? I don't know if my H had a PA. just sometimesI have wondered.

 

How is your actual communication with your husband, sounds like it may not be good? It's better. I'm speaking up when I hadn't before.

 

I'd like to inform others as I wish someone informed me. It has nothing to do with nobility. From what I have read, most people (in this case the husbands mentioned above) don't go looking for affairs but it starts unexpectedly, usually with people they are around often. If these men are aware, they have a better chance of protecting their marriage. This woman is very friendly and most may not realize what she is up to. Example - she used her position to assign herself the care of everyone of my H's patients.

[sandylee1]

Has she actually had an A with these other men or is it just her behaviour? What proof would you have to show these women?

I ask because some women like to remain in denial or have blind trust.

 

I recall someone years ago whose H was a total womaniser and was cheating. She swore blind he wouldn't and said unless she caught him in bed with another woman, she wouldn't believe it.

 

If you know the names of the two men, could you try and find them on FB? Are the two men friends of your H? Would he know their wives? You could try and get some info without being overt.

 

Again, I have to say it's the men that need to stand firm here, because there will always be women who don't care if a man is married and will flirt/pursue regardless. Infact they find it a challenge. Your H and others need to know and respect boundaries as they are MM.

[whenisitenough]

Has she actually had an A with these other men or is it just her behaviour? What proof would you have to show these women? I would let them know what she had been doing and sneaky around.

I ask because some women like to remain in denial or have blind trust. True. They do with the information as they please.

 

I recall someone years ago whose H was a total womaniser and was cheating. She swore blind he wouldn't and said unless she caught him in bed with another woman, she wouldn't believe it.

 

If you know the names of the two men, could you try and find them on FB? Feel uncomfortable searching them out. But if I saw them I'd find a way to tell them. Are the two men friends of your H? Would he know their wives? You could try and get some info without being overt.

 

Again, I have to say it's the men that need to stand firm here, because there will always be women who don't care if a man is married and will flirt/pursue regardless. Infact they find it a challenge. True. Your H and others need to know and respect boundaries as they are MM.

 

Last night a mutual , religious friend ( of the OW and mine) posted a family blessing. I thought this was my opportunity. I commented it was a nice post and asked how her family was. You see this flirty nurse is very sweet to almost everyone and has a lot of friends in the hospital. She had been acting this way to other men long before her divorce.