Ex called out of the blue and asked to hang out

[kellabella]

Hey everyone! I really need some advice and want to know what you think (from a guys & girls point of view). I'm gonna try and keep this as short as I can but I want you to get the full story so I can't promise anything lol.

 

Ok, so my ex boyfriend called me last week after no contact for about 4 years. But first let me give you some background about us. We were together for 6 years, (broke up in 2007). We were really close and had a lot of fun, he was always really good to me. I ended up breaking up with him and I don't really have a good reason why. I was young and wanted to be single, I also wasn't that nice about it so I know I broke his heart. Four years later (2011) we started talking again. (There were a few times before this, after the break up where we hung out a few times and he wanted more but I didn't). Anyway this time around I realized I missed him and wanted him back and I just figured he felt the same way bc of the past. So I kept pushing and pushing telling him we should get back together and I made the horrible mistake of being that girl that seems desperate and needy. If he didn't call me back I would get upset and let him know it, I was way too aggressive about it. This lasted about 2 months and it finally ended with him telling me it wasn't the right time for us. I was really upset for a while but looking back I totally realize I was pushing him away by trying to force him to be with me.

 

After that I really didn't think I would ever hear from him again. But when I got a missed call from him last week I was shocked. I called back and he said something reminded him of me and that's why he called. But he used that line the last time he called out of the blue. We talked for about 20 minutes. He basically was telling me that he misses me, he was making jokes about how he has to get me to miss and love him again, talking about all the good times we've had, etc. Then he says "im gonna just cut to the chase and ask you if you wanna have lunch or dinner sometime to catch up". I agreed and we ended with him saying he would call me in a few days. It's been 5 days and no call btw.

 

I REALLY don't want to fall into that trap again where I start wondering why he hasn't called or reading too much into every little thing. But after that phone call all those feelings started coming back and I hate this bc before his random call I was fine and hadn't thought about him in a while. I'm single but I just ended a year long relationship 5 months ago. If this were 4 years ago I probably would have already texted him or asked him what he really meant when he said he missed me and all that desperate needy behavior. But I learned my lesson from last time and every other guy I've dated to play a little hard to get.

 

I keep wondering if he does miss me or was he really joking. I don't think he would have said it if he didn't but I'm not sure. He's not a big phone person so I guess I'm not surprised he hasn't called yet. How do you think I should handle this? Should I act like it's no big deal if we hang out or not when he calls, and what do you think of his random phone call from the info I've told you??

 

Any advice, thoughts or questions would be appreciated. I'm sorry I rambled on for this long, even though there's a lot more I could have added lol.

[loveiswar101]

OK...your a different person now. Your stronger and know what you want. What you don't want to do is fall into the trap of waiting for his call etc.

 

Go back to what you were doing. Only last night I met up with my ex who I hadn't seen for a while. Today I asked her to see if she believed we should give it another go. But know what, I believe what will be will be. How she responds is up to her I can't control that. I'm at that level nearly of what will be will be.

 

This is where you need to be.

 

I recommend just carry on and don't contact him. He said he get hold of you and leave it at that. Don't let your emotions take over, your stronger than that. Hell don't turn it into a cat and mouse game of who's calling who. Think black and white. Think yes and no.

 

He's rang you because he is either interested again or checking if your still around. Black and white.

 

If he wants to hang out. It's yes or no from you.

 

Remember ball is in your court. He contacted you. Don't let it turn around. Stay in control of you and your emotions and what you want.

 

Best I can do, hope helps.

[kellabella]

Thank you for responding and your totally right!! The last thing I wanted was to start worrying about why he hasn't called yet. I'm really trying to get it out of my head but its not that easy. There is no way I am contacting him first. Like you said the ball is in my court and that's exactly how I want it.

 

When he said he would call in a few days (tomorrow will be a week) I figured he might have called by now but he's not a huge phone person and works a lot. But now I'm starting to wonder if he only called to see if I was around (like you said) and isn't interested. But then why would he ask me out? Ughh, I have to stop overthinking everything.

 

Thank your advice, I hope things work out between you and your girlfriend. What did she say when you asked her about giving it a second chance, if you don't want to answer that I totally understand.

[loveiswar101]

Glad could help. As say look after no 1..i.e. You.

 

Basically if he was interested again he'd be doing all the chasing. Hate to say there no excuse behind him not following up saying hell ring.

 

I'd say he's testing the water...I highly recommend staying on course and moving on. Look after you. Keep healing.

 

As for me, I put it out there with her for the sole purpose to find out what she wants to do. I'm not staying in limbo, no point, anyhow she said sorry but we could be friends. I said what's not to be not to be and wished her well. That's it, bit if set back, hand on hot plate again but at least I know where I stand and was worth this little pain to realize what I need to do. Move on !

 

Please understand what I say is only advice, no more. It's all up to you now. Look after yourself, be strong, move on if that's the direction you want to go. Good luck.

[kellabella]

I agree with you about how he should be doing all the chasing. He said he would call in a few days but his "few days" could mean 2 weeks. Who knows, he might be afraid of getting closer bc maybe he doesn't know what he really wants. Or there could be a million other reasons for that phone call lol. But what bothers me is not knowing. It's so much easier for guys bc they don't over analyze every detail.

 

I really admire your attitude towards your situation with your ex. I wish I could let things go that easy.

[Thistooshallpass21]

Not true about guys not over analyzing things been over analyzing since day 1 of the break up. He's probably doing the same thing!

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Text him once, casually. If no reply, forget about him.

[candie13]

hum... see, there's something that took me incredibly long to understand - and process. You are with a guy, you have a RS - good or bad, you break up. The moment he comes back... it's not as if you're back in the same RS, picking up from where you've left off. WRONG.

 

It is a completely new RS. Think about him as if he's someone you just met. Will you text someone you just met if he had called you 5 days ago? Prob not. Everything is back to square one. From him chasing to you doubting to each one of you not being sure. Even worse - you don't get the benefit of the doubt because there's no clean slate for you. If you really really hurt someone, they may actually want to come back to get revenge. People do crazy things, when messed up with. Years later.

 

So just as he's not giving you the benefit of the doubt, don't give him the benefit of the doubt either. He's a sore spot in your past. If he wants you back, no matter how much you've done wrong, he needs to show consistency and determination first. I mean... how's it gonna work if he's already flakin' out?

 

No text. I'd even say no responding to his texts (at all) if and when he makes a comeback. OR at least make him sweat and withhold answering for a few days. Absolutely do not initiate.

 

Keep yourself busy and date other people as well. This guy looks like your kryptonite

[loveiswar101]

Following up, guys and girls are all the same.

 

I analyze everyday what went wrong or what has happened. It's how we react what counts.

 

I look at I had no choice after catching up with my ex. It was a great evening but nothing came forward from her so I had to make a stand. Trust me losing her has been one of if not the most heart wrenching things to ever happen in my life.

 

I haven't let go and the pain rolls on and trust me I have definitely not let things go easy.

 

But alternative is to be a puppet strung along, with my emotions all over the place. As hard as it is I had to draw a line in the sand. Painful but need.

 

I hope you can do the same..

[kellabella]

hum... see, there's something that took me incredibly long to understand - and process. You are with a guy, you have a RS - good or bad, you break up. The moment he comes back... it's not as if you're back in the same RS, picking up from where you've left off. WRONG.

 

It is a completely new RS. Think about him as if he's someone you just met. Will you text someone you just met if he had called you 5 days ago? Prob not. Everything is back to square one. From him chasing to you doubting to each one of you not being sure. Even worse - you don't get the benefit of the doubt because there's no clean slate for you. If you really really hurt someone, they may actually want to come back to get revenge. People do crazy things, when messed up with. Years later.

 

So just as he's not giving you the benefit of the doubt, don't give him the benefit of the doubt either. He's a sore spot in your past. If he wants you back, no matter how much you've done wrong, he needs to show consistency and determination first. I mean... how's it gonna work if he's already flakin' out?

 

No text. I'd even say no responding to his texts (at all) if and when he makes a comeback. OR at least make him sweat and withhold answering for a few days. Absolutely do not initiate.

 

Keep yourself busy and date other people as well. This guy looks like your kryptonite

 

That's true. If this was a new guy I wouldn't even care if he called back or not bc I wouldn't have feelings for him yet. What's bothering me more is the things he said when he called, (ex. he misses me, asked if I was single twice, I had changed my cell # since the last time we talked so he went out of his way to look up my house #, he asked me to go out for lunch/dinner sometime soon). If he called to say hi and see how I was doing this wouldn't bother me so much. If I knew he wasn't gonna call back I wouldn't have picked up the phone. There is no way Im gonna give in and text him if he doesn't call back and if he does call I'm gonna wait at least a few days before calling back. The last thing I want him to think is that I care lol!

 

As for the revenge, he's the one who didn't want to continue seeing each other the last time we talked (3 years ago). So he got his revenge if thats what he was trying to do. We're actually even now.

[candie13]

that's what you think. I bet he's got a different perception.

 

just ... don't hold those hopes up too high, there are chances he might never call back... Stay strong, ok ?

[kellabella]

It's good to know that guys do think the way we do but I have a feeling that my ex isn't sitting there overthinking this too much.

 

When I think about this in a logical way I feel ridiculous for getting this worried. We haven't spoke in 4 years so how strong could our feeling really be? Yea we can miss each other and have feelings that haven't gone away but it's not as strong as it was when we were actually together. I wasn't thinking about him at all until he called. What Im trying to say is I probably shouldn't except so much, maybe he's interested in trying to see how things would work (and if that's the case I can't see him trying to rush things or feel like he's obligated to call either). I know in the back of my head I'm making this much more than it is right now. But the other part of me can't help let my emotions take over. I'm probably not making sense lol.