Wife puts me in Limbo!

[ti994a]

Hello all,

 

 

I guess we should start by me giving you some information. I am 47 and my wife is 45. We have two kids who live with us a 16 year old senior in high school and a 22 kid going to college but living at home for expenses. We have been married 24 years and dating 6 years before that. We have had a good marriage by all accounts. We both are very family oriented and that has paid off real well for us. We don't have big fights. Nobody has ever left home after a fight. Nobody has ever yelled or called names. Anger has been dealt with compassion and understanding. A good foundation but there have been problems. My oldest son spent years starting in high school with depression, drug abuse, and an attempted suicide. It was a very, very tough time. After a long struggle of getting him professional help he is now 2 years sober. The path to get him there was very expensive though. We paid out of the pocket for the vast majority of his mental health treatment. It has put us deeply in debt and made things very stressful. During this time we let the marriage lose its passion. That leads me to what came recently.

 

 

My wife woke me early up one Sunday and said, "We need to talk". I knew she was going to say something because I could tell for the past two months something was wrong. I tried to get her to tell me but she would just shut me out. Well I will just hit the high points of the talk. She said that she was unhappy in the marriage. I asked her if she felt is was over. She said she didn't know...maybe. Realize I didn't see this coming. I actually got dizzy. I asked her how long she felt this way. She said awhile. I asked why she didn't say anything. She said that she did not know but she even admitted that she shouldn't have kept it bottled up. I asked her what she wanted to do. She said she didn't know but said maybe splitting up.

 

 

Wow. I freaked and said I had to get some air. I left the house for awhile. When I came back she was gone. My son tells me she packed a bag and said that we had got in a fight and she was going to her mom's for the night. I freaked some more and texted her a ton of questions which she did not respond. For the next two days she texted me but just about mundane tasks that needed taken care of around the house and with my kids.

 

 

After 48 hours and soul searching and speaking to two different counselors I started to prepare myself for an eventual divorce. But the counselors said are you sure it is over. Well she sounded pretty damn serious. I was sold. They asked me what I felt about the marriage. Did I love her? My answer - Unquestionably. One asked what would I do t repair the marriage - I said honestly you could cut every appendage off me if I could save the marriage. They told me that I have to find out what her true feelings were.

 

 

I was given the chance. She eventually texted me that she wanted to talk. We agreed to meet in my office at my work. I decided to play it cool. Whatever happened I needed to know her feelings. Even if she was leaving me I just had to know. I resolved only to listen, no judgment, no attacks, no pleading. She apologized for hurting me and the way she told me. She very hesitantly told me she loved me as a father and as her best friend but she was unhappy and didn't know if she loved me anymore. She would stop and shake and sometimes I would have to ask a clarifying question.

 

 

Now for the weird parts. She starts explaining that she feels that I fell out of love with her. I comely explain to her that is not the case. She honestly is surprised. I explain tell her that I love her as much as when we started. I ask her what is her plan now. She doesn't know. I assure her it is okay to talk. She explains that she wants to first stabilize the kids. I tell her of course they are not to blame in this and we will love them matter what. Eventually we come back to my love for her. When I start professing my sincere love she starts to shake. She plays with her wedding ring, She twists the heart shape pendant that I got her for one of our anniversaries. Weird. I ask her if she thinks we could possibly repair. She hems and has. I ask her what is her plan. She says she doesn't know. After some more coaxing she tells me maybe we wait a year. I'm like...what? Well we wait a year for the youngest to get out of high school. HUH? Then what. She doesn't know. I ask, "then do we split" She says, "Yes, maybe". Eventually she needs to go back to work and she says "I'm going to stay one more night at my mom, is that okay?" I'm thinking why in the hell are you asking me? I say she can take as much time as she wants. I tell her though that she should stop in and let the kids know she is okay. She says she will after work. I tell her that if she wants I will stay out until she has visited. She says, "No that is okay, you can come. Do you want me to bring dinner?" WTF?

 

 

I say no I think you need time with them. So she tells me when she would leave. I wait 15 minutes after and come home. She is still there. I walk in and she is cleaning the kitchen. I expect her to leave. But she sits down on the couch and tells me and kids to sit down and watch TV. UH OK I'm thinking. She stays a little over an hour and then says she needs to go. I walk her out. She is acting like nothing has happened. I thank her for taking the time to talk to me today. She is very nice and I'm very confused.

 

 

I'm in limbo. If she is willing I would do anything for her to stay. If she truly does not think we can make it I would force myself to accept it because I cant imagine me "trapping" her in a loveless marriage. Finally I would love her to come home but I don't know if I can be in a pretend marriage. I cant unlearn or fool myself what she has told me. It is like the matrix. I have taken the red pill I know too much. If this is absolutely over then I will work with her to shelter the kids. She can live with her mother while I ready the assets to be sold. Why would you want to live a year with a guy you know you are going to leave in a year. My kids aren't stupid either, heck one is an adult and the other is almost there. They know EXACTLY what is going on. She cant possibly think one year is going to make any difference on the impact. My kids have asked me what is up. I have not given them any specifics at all. Just general things. But they have worked out EVERYTHING. They told me once she left that they felt her behavior was weird. We are all looking at each other like we couldn't believe what just happened. We all joke that maybe she has gone crazy.

 

 

So there you go. I'm in limbo. I assume she will eventually come home. I don't know how far this pretending goes. I mean if she wants to pretend then I assume that I will be sleeping in my bed. My wife and I are openly affectionate in front of my kids with kissing and hand holding. If she wants to make this believable.....

 

 

Weird Weird Weird !

 

If anyone has thoughts on this fell free to chime in!

Edited July 1, 2015 by ti994a

[TobyBoy]

She's probably having an affair. Is that a deal breaker for you?

[ti994a]

No not necessarily. I am old enough and mature enough handle that. Not saying if I got confirmation that it wouldn't hurt and I would be mad. But I think I still love her enough.

 

Oh, I should add that I do have some evidence that this is happening. A few months before everything went haywire I noticed a new number popping up on the phone bill. It is one of her bosses of hers in another state. He is 15 or 20 years her senior (not that it matters). I see they are calling an texting every day. She has actually told me (on her own) that she is talking to him for support. I of course don't believe it. She has not traveled out of state and I'm pretty sure he hasn't traveled here. I would imagine it is a matter of time though.

Edited July 1, 2015 by ti994a

[TobyBoy]

Well I'm 47 and mature also, but one thing I'll never do is share my wife with other men. Toby don't swing that way!!!

Good luck dude. Your going to need it!!!

[Friskyone4u]

You have your answer . There is another man in the picture and if it has not happened already it will because you have said nothing and have basically already told her it's ok if she has a little excitement by your actions of playing the "pick me game"

If her actions changed at the same time as these calls started you first course of action is to call hi and tell him that you are aware of his little phone affair with your wife and that you will expose it at his work and to his wife if he has one. Do not tell your wife you are doing that

Your next step is to tell her she can divorce you but there is going to be no separation of anything else that involves her sleeping with other men and being married to you and that you are aware of these phone calls and what is going on

 

Right now all you have basically done is tell her she can do what she wants and you will be waiting

[wizer]

She's probably having an affair. Is that a deal breaker for you?

No not necessarily. I am old enough and mature enough handle that.

 

So guys who find out their wife is screwing another guy and immediately kick her to the curb are young and immature?

 

Now I've heard everything.

[Be_Strong]

When your wife said she thought you had fallen out of love for her, and you told your wife that you still loved her now as much as you did in the beginning, that was a bad move on your part. You mentioned the passion in your marriage has been lacking, and by indicating to your wife that you are still madly in love with her, you told her that the current state of the marriage is the best it will ever be. In essence, she now thinks she is getting the most love out of you that you are capable of. A wiser course of action would be to admit that your feelings may have wained (and be honest with yourself--does your heart skip a beat when your wife walks into the room? do you get butterflies when you kiss? do you think all day about her and how you can make her happy? Are you dying to rip her clothes off and make love to her?) but that your marriage is not something you want to give up on at this point and you're willing to try to work to reignite the spark.

 

As you and others have mentioned, there is definitely a possibility of an affair going on. At the minimum I would say there is a specific love prospect she has in mind. It's usually the reigniting of romantic feelings with another man that causes a woman to analyze her marriage and realize what she is missing.

[GoBlue]

These things often come as a complete surprise to a husband (I was one), but she has been contemplating this for a while. As a man who now makes his living trying to help strengthen marriages, it drives me absolutely crazy that people wait so long before they begin honestly communicating with one another about how they feel. Most marriages can be saved with the simple commitment to openly share with one another and to meet your spouse's needs (that's love by the way). I highly recommend a book titled Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson. It is a very practical book with lots of good advice. I also suggest that you visit the website of an organization called The National Institute of Marriage. They work with couples whose marriage is either dead or at death's door. They primarily use a four day intensive counseling program and 85% of the couples who have gone through it are still married two years later and doing much better.

 

I know that you are confused right now and not sure what to do, but take courage, your wife has at least started the communication process. Stay calm, take a look at the materials I have recommended, and be hopeful. You are at the doorway of great change and it will go one of two ways - she will decide to leave (which would be her choice not yours) or you will experience true change that will propel you into a better marriage than you ever thought possible. Believe in the latter and don't be afraid to communicate that to her. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

[davidromero43]

I was also thinking an affair. But with her cleaning the kitchen and wanting dinner, makes me think the affair is over. It is almost like she has too much guilt to put it behind her. She wants to come home and fix everything, but she can't get over her guilt. Maybe tell her that if she did have an affair, that you could work to fix everything together. I'm sure a marriage counselor could help.

[jen1447]

Why would you want to live a year with a guy you know you are going to leave in a year. My kids aren't stupid either, heck one is an adult and the other is almost there. They know EXACTLY what is going on. She cant possibly think one year is going to make any difference on the impact.

 

Some spouses planning to divorce want to do it specifically the moment the youngest kid leaves the nest. Sorry but this sounds to me like hanging on for the kid and not reconciliation.

[Yasuandio]

Firstly, she didn't put you in limbo, you are allowing yourself to be in limbo. The "State of Limbo" is a choice.

 

Would get honest with the kids ASAP. And no more of the "maybe she is going crazy" talk. I comprehend it is a joke, and a method to ease the tension - but, completely inappropriate discussion with young people.

 

Give them the facts, period.

 

Her guilt is her problem. Too bad, so sad. You gotta man up on this one - No more Mr. Nice Guy (in fact, there is a good book by that title). You handled this shock very maturely - but there will be no "fence-sitting," if you intend to command the respect you deserve, and serve as a proper role model for your kids.

 

That's it. Help her pack. Give her what she asked for. Done. That is how you handle this. Check out Critical Readings Thread pinned at top of this section of forum. I think the Homer McDonald 3 sentence method (on tape) will be very effective in this case.

 

And I agree with the poster regarding getting in touch with the Other Man. In fact, I might do it in person, and on tape. Might come in handy in Court should that be the case. Check law in his state on taping a convo without other's knowledge. You have a cool head - he will probably tell you everything. Say nothing to her. (And have you telephone data records with you, if you should make this appointment or surprise visit to his home address).

 

BTW....The Marriage Builder's Website supports exposing thesr matters (I would suggest you have a look at Dr. Harley's thoughts on such - very informative). Yas

Edited July 2, 2015 by Yasuandio