a lost cause?

[GrayDaisy]

i don't know what to do anymore. I'm married. I had an affair with a married man. It's long over, I've since confessed and been more or less forgiven by my husband. The problem is that I'm not getting over it. I don't know how to put the emotions back in my marriage where they belong.

 

I don't want to get divorced, but I don't know how to get over this. I've tried counseling, tried meds. But I'm stuck. I'm depressed. I hate that I did this. I love my husband, but I've screwed it all up. In order to justify the affair, I had to basically check out of my marriage. Right now, I can't find my way back into it.

 

Can this still be fixed? is it really possible to fall back in love with someone? I've mentioned leaving to my husband and he doesn't want that. He wants it to work, even after what I've done. That makes me feel even worse. He deserves better.

[spanz1]

I am a firm believer that sex is the key, the glue that holds marriages together. You need to try to become turned on by your husband again. It starts with the little things during the day:

texting him naughty texts

sending him naughty pictures during the day

telling him your plans for him when he gets home tonight

when you are traveling, skyping with him at night in your hotel room and acting naughty

buying new lingerie, and actually WEARING it around the house to try to seduce him

reading up about new sex acts, and asking him to try them out. For instance, rent "50 shades of grey" and watch it together while you wear some of that new lingerie you just bought.

Try role play, where he and you donn new roles/costumes, and act out some fantasy one of you has

 

 

IF you are doing a lot of online sex/porn/romance novel reading, this would be a good time to stop it cold turkey. Porn is fine IF it turns you on for your own spouse, but not so fine if it is pulling your thoughts AWAY from your own spouse.

[lovinDKT3]

I think your problem maybe guilt and shame.

 

After my affair I had a really hard time being around my BH. During the affair I used every little thing he did as "this is why I deserve this". Once it was over and it was just him and Ithe guilt of that ate at me, it made it hard to face him. That with the fear that he would leave pushed me into a shell.

 

You have to work on forgiving yourself. You have to find a way to communicate your feelings. As long as he is there you have a chance to make it work.

 

Good luck

[Artie Lang]

only time will tell.

 

 

how long ago was this affair? how long did it last? i ask this because the length and intensity of the affair may have something to do with it. maybe you're still not completely over it.

[Southern Sun]

How long has it been since the end of the affair and total NC with the OM?

[drifter777]

I also believe that sex is the most vital component of any long-term relationship. Has your sex life changed at all since you began your affair? Or since you confessed the affair?

 

Do you have kids?

[oldshirt]

We need a little more background info and specifics to advise on this.

 

How old are you and your H? How long married? Any kids and if so how many and how old?

 

What was the state of the marriage in the beginning and at the time before the A?

 

How did you meet the OM and how did the A ensue? How deep and involved was the A?

 

How and why did the A really end? Meaning how and why did it actuall end, not how you wanted it to end or how you wished it would've ended?

 

How did your H find out about the A and what action(s) has he taken about it?

 

What have you done in regards to your OM and what actions have you taken to address the issues in your marriage.

 

 

 

Answer those questions and we'll have a more clear picture on what's happening now.

[GrayDaisy]

Yes, we have kids. Outwardly, we're the perfect family. Inwardly, I worry every day whether I can keep it all together. I don't want my kids to suffer because I screwed up and made this terrible decision though.

 

The affair has been over for more than a year. It only lasted a few months, but it was someone from my past (who, quite frankly, should have stayed there). Point being that it was very emotionally intense.

 

I'm not over it at all, but I really really want to be.

 

A few of you have brought up sex. It's a big issue. As in, we don't have it. It was an issue for many years before the affair, but it's certainly gotten worse since then. I'm just not interested.

[purplesorrow]

Yes, we have kids. Outwardly, we're the perfect family. Inwardly, I worry every day whether I can keep it all together. I don't want my kids to suffer because I screwed up and made this terrible decision though.

 

The affair has been over for more than a year. It only lasted a few months, but it was someone from my past (who, quite frankly, should have stayed there). Point being that it was very emotionally intense.

 

I'm not over it at all, but I really really want to be.

 

A few of you have brought up sex. It's a big issue. As in, we don't have it. It was an issue for many years before the affair, but it's certainly gotten worse since then. I'm just not interested.

Why stay? Has it always been you that wasn't interested in sex?

[Satu]

No relationship is older than a day.

 

A relationship has to be recreated every day, with refreshed commitment and love.

 

The relationship you have today is the relationship you have.

 

Don't waste your time thinking about how it used to be.

 

 

 

I also think you are suffering with shame and guilt.

 

You will have to forgive yourself and not dwell on your mistakes.

 

 

Consider this definition of love:

 

"Love is total commitment to the wellbeing of a person."

 

Make that commitment to yourself and your husband, and things will get better.

 

 

Love,

 

 

Satu.

[happyman64]

Wow Gray Daisy.

 

 

From what you write everything points to you.

 

 

Why don't you have sex? Why don't you want it?

 

 

At anytime after the affair did you and your H separate?

 

 

What consequences did he show you for your affair?

 

 

Or did you both rugsweep and act now like it never happened?

 

 

And while I might add that you say your H does not deserve this treatment please remember that your kids do not deserve living in a loveless household as well.

 

 

Neither do you.

 

 

HM

[GrayDaisy]

Why stay? Has it always been you that wasn't interested in sex?

 

Yes, it's always been me. I stay because I do love him and our family, and because I don't want to punish him or our kids because of my mistakes. I still hope I'll be able to fix this.

[purplesorrow]

Yes, it's always been me. I stay because I do love him and our family, and because I don't want to punish him or our kids because of my mistakes. I still hope I'll be able to fix this.

 

You must have a gem of a man there. You don't want sex with him but went outside your marriage for it? Have you tried a sex therapist?

[oldshirt]

You are avoiding the hard questions.

 

Did you have sex with your OM?

 

How and why did the A end?

 

How did your H find out about the A?

 

What did he do about it?

 

What have you done to try to improve your marriage?

[GrayDaisy]

You are avoiding the hard questions.

 

Did you have sex with your OM?

 

How and why did the A end?

 

How did your H find out about the A?

 

What did he do about it?

 

What have you done to try to improve your marriage?

 

Sorry, not trying to. Yes, I had sex with the OM. It ended because we realized we were in over our heads. I'll admit he came to his senses first. We both have kids, and families, and jobs, and lives, and all of those things existed thousands and thousands of miles apart from each other. We got lost in the fog of the affair and got caught up in what could have been. It was incredibly naive, and I hate that I did it.

 

My H found out because I confessed a few months later.

 

What did he do about it? Uhh, not sure I know what you mean. We didn't separate. We both went to counseling, but ultimately didn't do MC. We talked through everything for a long time, talked about what was wrong in our marriage, why I did what I did, what was wrong with me that led me to do that.

 

I confessed, first of all. That was the biggest thing I did to try and improve my marriage. If I hadn't, I think it would have been completely destroyed by now. I've tried to be more open with him, tell him how I'm feeling, what's going on when things bother me. A big part of the problem (my problem) before was that I just shut down to him. I'm trying not to do that anymore.

[Babs22]

Yes, it's always been me. I stay because I do love him and our family, and because I don't want to punish him or our kids because of my mistakes. I still hope I'll be able to fix this.

 

GrayDaisy, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I am currently married and having an affair with a MM. I can totally relate to the fact that you are not feeling sexually attracted to your husband, but this sounds like that existed prior to the affair. I feel like mine existed before my affair too, but I was in denial about it. I thought it was normal. How long have you been married and when did you start to feel like you did not want to have sex with your H? I understanding wanting to stay for your kids, currently I am staying because I have a teenage child dealing with some serious mental health issues. I don't have any solutions for you any more than I have solutions for myself. Even if I ended the affair and put my whole self into my M, I don't feel like I could become attracted to my H again. I have physical issues with it and I also have emotional difficulties with it (a lot of resentments). I feel like if I could just have sex with my H, then everything could be fixed, but no matter how much I mentally know this, I cannot even come close to making myself do it. I do think he deserves better than that. He deserves someone who wants to have sex with him. I understand that part of your struggle very much.

 

Were you ever physically attracted to your husband and wanting sex with him? Is physical attraction even part of the problem? Sorry I have no answers, I just wanted you to know, how closely I can relate to your story.

[goodyblue]

Marriages can go on for years without sex, but they are certainly not fulfilling relationships.

 

I was single but the man I had an affair with had no sex life with his wife. What happened was he realized he didn't want to be in a sexless marriage and left his wife of nearly 30 years. We have been together for some years now and are really happy but his ex wife is miserable.

 

You need to forgive yourself and move forward but if you are in a sexless marriage you can expect him to cheat or leave at some point. Men need sexual intimacy.

 

You two should seek therapy together.

[oldshirt]

Sorry, not trying to. Yes, I had sex with the OM. It ended because we realized we were in over our heads. I'll admit he came to his senses first. We both have kids, and families, and jobs, and lives, and all of those things existed thousands and thousands of miles apart from each other. We got lost in the fog of the affair and got caught up in what could have been. It was incredibly naive, and I hate that I did it.

 

My H found out because I confessed a few months later.

 

What did he do about it? Uhh, not sure I know what you mean. We didn't separate. We both went to counseling, but ultimately didn't do MC. We talked through everything for a long time, talked about what was wrong in our marriage, why I did what I did, what was wrong with me that led me to do that.

 

I confessed, first of all. That was the biggest thing I did to try and improve my marriage. If I hadn't, I think it would have been completely destroyed by now. I've tried to be more open with him, tell him how I'm feeling, what's going on when things bother me. A big part of the problem (my problem) before was that I just shut down to him. I'm trying not to do that anymore.

 

Ok that helps, I think I have a better grasp of the situation now.

 

This is how I see it , you lost attraction and desire (if you ever even had it to begin with) a long time ago and were basically roommates raising children together.

 

OM came into the picture and flipped on your attraction/desire switches that you hadn't felt in a long long time. You felt alive and in love again after years of feeling nothing.

 

I'm going to read between the lines and take a bit of leap here but I assume that I'm pretty dang on the money here - your OM flinched first and backed off. I assume if he had come to you with a workable future plan and had proposed that both of you divorce your spouse's and moved on together with him you would've done it.

 

I also think a part of you hoped your confession would have result in your H letting you go. However since he basically rugswept it and did nothing, you know feel trapped and in despair.

 

One of the redflags here is that while you both did IC neither one of you has done anything to change the underlying dysfunctional dynamics of your marriage that lead to the loss of your attraction/desire for your H. You have simply returned from a hot and heavy affair to a dead and sexless marriage.

 

Your husband does have some culpability here in that he has done nothing to try to get back your attraction.

 

And you have done nothing to explain your needs and what he needs to do to get back your attraction.

 

What you two have both done is settled for each other for the sake of not going through the hassle of divorcing and moving on.

 

You got dumped by your OM so you returned to your dead, sexless marriage with a man you don't desire. And he settled for a woman that hasn't desired him in years but had hot, heavy porno sex with another man. You both Rugswept the affair and the underlying issues to not divorce.

 

The problem with that is you are both miserable and dying inside.

 

The bad news here is you are both ripe for the pick' s for another affair and the next one will likely result in a complete walk out.

 

You already had one near miss, the next one will probably stick.

 

However you husband is just as at risk as you are if he is the least bit attractive as a man. If some sexy thingy bats her eyes and wiggles her behind at him, do you really think he will stay with a wife that hasn't loved him for years, fell for another man and bow recoils at the thought of his touch????

 

No, I think you'll come home to a moving truck in the driveway.

[oldshirt]

Here are your options -

 

-Continue to live in misery and under the risk of one of you falling for someone else and moving out in a week some day.

 

- enter into intensive, professional therapy and counseling and both of you bust your asses to and morph into completely different people that love and desire each other.

 

- divorce and move on with each of your lives in which case both of you will probably be with new people in a matter of months.

 

The fact that both of you seem to want to keep the peace and keep the family intact is probably a sign that you can have an amicable and cooperative divorce and a sign that you can continue to coparent cooperatively.

 

Passionate marriages die with passionate and emotionally charged divorces. Dead, sexless marriages die with a whimper and then end up being fairly cooperative and amicable.

[oldshirt]

Your other option is an open marriage where you are each allowed to get your fun and sexuality outside the marriage but that will just be a bandaid and temporary fix.

 

Once you guys get a taste of passion and intimacy again, you'll be ready to exit the marriage.

[elaine567]

His apparent easy acceptance of the sexless marriage, including a wife who states she is just not sexually attracted to him, and the acceptance of the affair, may be due to the fact he was/is already stepping out of the marriage.

His needs being met elsewhere, he is staying married for the kids.

Just a thought.

[GrayDaisy]

Here are your options -

 

-Continue to live in misery and under the risk of one of you falling for someone else and moving out in a week some day.

 

- enter into intensive, professional therapy and counseling and both of you bust your asses to and morph into completely different people that love and desire each other.

 

- divorce and move on with each of your lives in which case both of you will probably be with new people in a matter of months.

 

The fact that both of you seem to want to keep the peace and keep the family intact is probably a sign that you can have an amicable and cooperative divorce and a sign that you can continue to coparent cooperatively.

 

Passionate marriages die with passionate and emotionally charged divorces. Dead, sexless marriages die with a whimper and then end up being fairly cooperative and amicable.

 

Well, that's all very cheerful...

 

Why do we need to morph into completely different people to make this work? I married him, after all... I was in my 30s when we got married, so I can't claim that I was young/naive/etc. We'd been together for years; I knew what I was getting and I decided it was what I wanted. Why can't I get back there???

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Well, that's all very cheerful...

 

Why do we need to morph into completely different people to make this work? I married him, after all... I was in my 30s when we got married, so I can't claim that I was young/naive/etc. We'd been together for years; I knew what I was getting and I decided it was what I wanted. Why can't I get back there???

 

Because you destroyed that marriage. You need to start again. New relationship. Your are not the same people you were. Your affair has changed both of you.

[Buckeye2]

I was in my 30s when we got married, so I can't claim that I was young/naive/etc. We'd been together for years; I knew what I was getting and I decided it was what I wanted. Why can't I get back there???

 

 

Search for "Helen Fisher why we love why we cheat" for a 20 minute video that might answer your question.

[oldshirt]

Because you destroyed that marriage. You need to start again. New relationship. Your are not the same people you were. Your affair has changed both of you.

 

This above is part of the reason and also because the marriage was dead before the affair.

 

For it to work now you are going to have to completely hit the reset button and start over as different people.