a lost cause?

[oldshirt]

His apparent easy acceptance of the sexless marriage, including a wife who states she is just not sexually attracted to him, and the acceptance of the affair, may be due to the fact he was/is already stepping out of the marriage.

His needs being met elsewhere, he is staying married for the kids.

Just a thought.

 

that is certainly a possibility.

 

 

However I personally do not think that is the case. IMHO if a guy has enough initiative and giblets to carry on an affair, he will take the opportunity to call it quits and move on when he finds out the wife he hasn't had sex with in years is riding some other man like Secrateriate.

 

 

It's possible of course that he has secured enough of a steady thing outside the marriage that he is cool with her being around as a roommate to help out with the house and kids while he plows the OW.

 

 

I just don't think so though.

 

 

I think he is either the worlds laziest wuss that is thankful that he has a woman around even though she hasn't put out in years and is in love with another man.

 

 

Or he simply doesn't care enough to really do anything about it.

 

 

I suspect the latter is the case. I think they are both so detached and disconnected they simply don't care. They are both just too lazy, cheap and shiftless at the moment to rock the boat. They both just want the convenience of having a roommate that helps raise the kids.

 

 

There is nothing immoral or unethical about a couple living a loveless marriage for the sake of security and coparenting as long as both agree to it and don't mistreat each other.

 

 

But GrayDaisy is obviously miserable and dying inside from the lack of love and passion that she used to have with her OM and she is also suffering from the guilt of the A that has been allowed to fester without proper treatment.

 

 

Something has to give here. One of them is going to have to wake up one day and say, "enough!" and then blow something up and take action.

[GrayDaisy]

that is certainly a possibility.

 

 

However I personally do not think that is the case. IMHO if a guy has enough initiative and giblets to carry on an affair, he will take the opportunity to call it quits and move on when he finds out the wife he hasn't had sex with in years is riding some other man like Secrateriate.

 

 

It's possible of course that he has secured enough of a steady thing outside the marriage that he is cool with her being around as a roommate to help out with the house and kids while he plows the OW.

 

 

I just don't think so though.

 

 

I think he is either the worlds laziest wuss that is thankful that he has a woman around even though she hasn't put out in years and is in love with another man.

 

 

Or he simply doesn't care enough to really do anything about it.

 

I suspect the latter is the case. I think they are both so detached and disconnected they simply don't care. They are both just too lazy, cheap and shiftless at the moment to rock the boat. They both just want the convenience of having a roommate that helps raise the kids.

 

You know, I respected a lot of what you were saying. But the potshots feel unnecessary.

 

I don't think my H is still here out of laziness. I think he's here because he loves me and our family. I also think he's given me a wide berth due to a lot of circumstances in the last few years, and hopes things will improve.

 

I do too, for the record. I'm here seeking advice because I want to know there's hope. I do love him. I know I screwed things up, I know we had problems. But I want to believe we can fix it.

 

You're making a lot of assumptions from the small amount of info I've given so far, don't you think?

[oldshirt]

You know, I respected a lot of what you were saying. But the potshots feel unnecessary.

 

I don't think my H is still here out of laziness. I think he's here because he loves me and our family. I also think he's given me a wide berth due to a lot of circumstances in the last few years, and hopes things will improve.

 

I do too, for the record. I'm here seeking advice because I want to know there's hope. I do love him. I know I screwed things up, I know we had problems. But I want to believe we can fix it.

 

You're making a lot of assumptions from the small amount of info I've given so far, don't you think?

 

 

No potshots. I tell it like I see it. I don't sugarcoat or blow sunshine.

 

I freely admit to making assumptions based on sparse and edited information but we have to read between the lines to a certain degree.

 

Your H's lack of response and action in this situation is actually a very ominous sign. Very very small likely hood of him accepting your A out of love or giving a wide berth due to "circumstances", (and please explain what circumstances would make a man accept his wife falling in love with another man)

 

His lack of response is most likely due to apathy and to women, male apathy is probably one of the biggest relationship killers there is.

 

Female sexual infidelity is the single biggest R killers to a man and male apathy is one of if not the biggest male R killers for a woman. So things aren't looking so hot for the home team here.

 

You are wanting some hope here so I will say it again, with some serious and intensive IC and MC and both of you being willing to retool yourselves and start over, you may stand a chance of a happy and healthy marriage a few years from now. I'll never say never.

 

The question is, are you willing to put in the work and effort to get to where you will desire him? And will he put in the work and effort to change himself for a woman that hasn't touched him in years and is pining for another man?

[oldshirt]

Bottom line is it may be possible to eventually have a happy, loving and fulfilling relationship some day. But it will take a helluva lotta work, time and change from both of you (and perhaps thousands and thousands of $$s in therapists, shrinks and counselors)

 

Or the quickest and most efficient route to a better R is to divorce, commit to cooperative coparenting and find other people.

 

 

Athol Kay addresses these situations in his books and his best line is - "it's easier to give birth than to resurrect the dead."

 

Now none of us are professionals so none of us are in the position to determine if your M is salvageable or not. That is for a Professional to determine.

 

But I think we can all agree that this is a very serious situation that is outside the scope of strangers on an Internet forum.

 

Please seek professional therapy and counseling.

[GrayDaisy]

Bottom line is it may be possible to eventually have a happy, loving and fulfilling relationship some day. But it will take a helluva lotta work, time and change from both of you (and perhaps thousands and thousands of $$s in therapists, shrinks and counselors)

 

Or the quickest and most efficient route to a better R is to divorce, commit to cooperative coparenting and find other people.

 

Athol Kay addresses these situations in his books and his best line is - "it's easier to give birth than to resurrect the dead."

 

Now none of us are professionals so none of us are in the position to determine if your M is salvageable or not. That is for a Professional to determine.

 

But I think we can all agree that this is a very serious situation that is outside the scope of strangers on an Internet forum.

 

Please seek professional therapy and counseling.

 

Obviously, I'm not seeking professional opinions from strangers on the internet, nor do I expect there to be a clairvoyant on the board... I was just wondering about similar experiences, successful or not. Isn't that part of the purpose here?

 

I know I'm the one who broke my vows, but I'm a little surprised at the "just throw in the towel" attitude.

 

I think your bottom line is probably not wrong. Part of our problem is definitely "rug-sweeping", on both sides, so acknowledging that there are still problems is probably the first challenge.

[GrayDaisy]

GrayDaisy, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I am currently married and having an affair with a MM. I can totally relate to the fact that you are not feeling sexually attracted to your husband, but this sounds like that existed prior to the affair. I feel like mine existed before my affair too, but I was in denial about it. I thought it was normal. How long have you been married and when did you start to feel like you did not want to have sex with your H? I understanding wanting to stay for your kids, currently I am staying because I have a teenage child dealing with some serious mental health issues. I don't have any solutions for you any more than I have solutions for myself. Even if I ended the affair and put my whole self into my M, I don't feel like I could become attracted to my H again. I have physical issues with it and I also have emotional difficulties with it (a lot of resentments). I feel like if I could just have sex with my H, then everything could be fixed, but no matter how much I mentally know this, I cannot even come close to making myself do it. I do think he deserves better than that. He deserves someone who wants to have sex with him. I understand that part of your struggle very much.

 

Were you ever physically attracted to your husband and wanting sex with him? Is physical attraction even part of the problem? Sorry I have no answers, I just wanted you to know, how closely I can relate to your story.

 

Thanks, Babs. I appreciate hearing your story. When we first started dating, there weren't any issues with attraction or sex. It waned over the years, and I convinced myself that that was normal. After having kids, it got much much worse, and hasn't really recovered since then.

 

Like you, I know that my H deserves better. I want to be better for him, but I'm still struggling.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Obviously, I'm not seeking professional opinions from strangers on the internet, nor do I expect there to be a clairvoyant on the board... I was just wondering about similar experiences, successful or not. Isn't that part of the purpose here?

 

I know I'm the one who broke my vows, but I'm a little surprised at the "just throw in the towel" attitude.

 

I think your bottom line is probably not wrong. Part of our problem is definitely "rug-sweeping", on both sides, so acknowledging that there are still problems is probably the first challenge.

 

My thoughts....

 

1 - You can't go back to the way it used to be. Period.

 

2 - You can't "fix" it. You can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Both of you must start over. The old marriage died a long time ago.

 

3 - Help us understand how you husband feels about a sexless marriage, but you risk everything to have sex with another man. One year later your husband is still sexually neglected. From a BH, that does not seem normal or healthy. You stated you don't want to punish your husband; how is that not continuous punishment?

 

Is he conflict avoidant? Low self-esteem? Enjoys being walked on?

 

4- You're looking for hope, but I don't see it because you are still 'checked out' of the marriage. I don't see any intimacy between you two (physical or emotional). During my wife's affair she also 'checked out' of our marriage. I was about to divorce her just on that alone! At the time I didn't even know about her affair. We have to wonder why your husband is willing to put up with this for so long. I would have thrown in the towel already.

[oldshirt]

 

I know I'm the one who broke my vows, but I'm a little surprised at the "just throw in the towel" attitude.

.

 

The 'throw in the towel attitude' is coming from a couple different angles.

 

 

One is with the depths and long standing issues in your marriage, it will simply be quicker and easier for both of you to find better relationships if you call it a day and move on with your own lives.

 

 

That may not necessarily be "right" as far as the moralists and religious folks see it but you can spend a few years in MC and working your butts off and you "might" get some spark and fulfillment back. Or you can commit to as amicable and cooperative divorce as you can and within a reasonable amount of time, both of you can be in new relationships that may not be perfect but they'll be more enjoyable than what you have now.

 

 

I know hearing that will be like fingernails on the blackboard to many people who think people should go to the ends of the earth to save marriages, but it is what it is.

 

 

The other reason I and a number of other people have seemed so pessimistic is the marriages that do survive intact and have at least a modicum of happiness and functionality tend to follow pretty similar pathways and that is the WS ends the A of their own volition, confesses to the BS and becomes completely transparent to the BS and goes 100% no contact with the AP.

 

 

The BS then takes a very hard line and draws a solid line in the sand and establishes solid boundaries and expectations of behavior for reconciliation to occur. The BS often even separates or files for divorce or at least begins preparations for divorce in earnest until the WS can show that they are truly remorseful and truly working in full faith effort to repair the damage and earn back the BS's trust and affections.

 

 

Some other common trends in the BS is that they accept that they had a role in the state of the marriage prior to the A and they also work and strive to become a better person and to create a better marital environment than what was occurring prior to the A.

 

 

And both people enter into IC/MC with sincere effort and working together to improve the marriage and work through the issues prior to the A that allowed to the A to flourish as well as working to repair the damage done by the A.

 

 

That is kind of the best case scenario and that still takes a ton of work and a number of years to accomplish.

 

 

And those that do survive and come out the other side in better shape than at the time of the affair often involve affairs that were nipped in the bud fairly early before there was much emotional connection and not a lot of hot, sweaty sexual passion.

 

 

Some of those conditions exist in your situation but many critical ones do not.

 

 

Your affair was very emotionally charged and sexual. It went on for several months and was effectively ended by your AP. Your marriage at the time of the A was already sexless and the sexual high you got from your A cannot be underplayed.

 

 

You did confess your A for which you do deserve credit for that. While you confess your thoughts of your OM you haven't come out and said whether you have been in contact with him since the break up or not. If you have been NC you deserve some credit there as well. If you have been in contact with him, your chances of a successful reconciliation drops off dramatically.

 

 

You both have sought IC so add a point. But you have not done any MC so take off two points.

 

 

Your BH has been doing some significant rugsweeping pretty much to the point of being head-in-the-sand. This is very damming. If he had gotten pissed, kicked your AP's ass, through you out of the house and made you stay at your parents, I would have awarded him 5 points. As he has shrugged his shoulders and gone on business as usual I will subtract 5 points.

 

 

It could be your writing style but I don't get the sense you fully grasp the seriousness and ominousness of this situation. I think you too have taken to some significant rugsweeping and head in the sand as well. I get that you feel bad and have some guilt and remorse, but I don't know if it is remorse over the damage you have caused by the affair or that you are just depressed and saddened by how little intimacy and passion you have in your marriage even before the A.

 

 

From my perspective here on what you have written, I don't see either one of you as fighting for the marriage. I see you both as settling for breadcrumbs so you can have a roommate to help share the household chores and expenses and have some live-in help with the child rearing. I don't see either one of you striving for an intimate relationship.

 

 

I know you say you want to feel desire for your husband again, but you haven't said a word on what you have done to help enable him to attract you, nor have you said a word about him doing anything to make himself more attractive and desirable to you.

 

 

When you add all these things up, you simply do not currently fit the profile of couples who survive this and come out the other side healthy and happy.

 

 

I'm not saying you can't or won't survive this. I am simply saying you don't look, sound or act like the couples who have survived and you are not doing the things they have done nor have you had the dedication and passion for which they have done them.

 

 

I am not saying my interpretation is right, wrong or covered in ice cream. I am saying that is why my tone and attitude seem to be leaning towards divorce being the quicker and easier and more efficient option towards you finding peace and fulfillment.

[66Charger]

if you read about dealing with infidelty, you will find there are different stages. It appears the anger stage has yet to hit your husband. If/when it does, the years of your rejection, plus the affair and now MORE rejection, will begin to feel like a insult and this guy is going to blow. When he does, you will lose all controlled over this relationship even if you want it to work. You THINK you know what he is thinking. You do not. Contrary to Oldshirt, how can you expect your husband to put forth the effort to make you desire him? How many times has he been rejected? 50? 100? 200 times? You may reject him one time to many.

 

If he gets on a forum like this, he will divorce you in 60 days.

 

You simply cannot treat people that way.

 

I am not slamming you, and i sincerely do wish you well, however you are seeking information about YOUR feelings, but everyone here knows, unless he is a total doormat, the anger will come and the years of rejection/affair/rejection will be hard to recover, and what YOU want may become irrelevant.

 

No one here can reach inside your brain and switch the light on. Neither can you. You may receive advice, but passion can not be faked. Usually the only thing that works is a heavy loss.

 

IMHO

Edited July 2, 2015 by 66Charger

[Clarence_Boddicker]

My opinion is that you fell out of passionate & romantic love with your husband & that's why you cheated. You may still love your husband, but not in that primal hurts to be away from him way. Honestly, that might never come back to you. There might not be a way to change it either. That's a cold hard fact you have to accept. Can you live the rest of your life being with someone you're not fully in love with? Can he handle it?

[Artie Lang]

let me just say that there is gonna be a lot of "opinions" that are gonna rub you the wrong way... it's an open forum. that's the way things roll. there's a saying around here- "take what you need and leave the rest." infidelity is a very touchy subject, or haven't you realized. you're gonna get dinged. gotta have a thick skin around here or any other open forum, for that matter.

 

that being said, it sounds like you've placed your husband in the good provider, loving father, great friend mode. although you might not see anything wrong with that, there is no passion within your marriage which led you to stray. now tell me... do you really believe that is a healthy way to carry on a marriage? i appreciate that you don't want to hurt anyone any further, especially your children, but in its current form your relationship is not sustainable in the long run... you know it, we know it, and your husband damn well better know it by now. right know, you two are just keeping the status quo... hoping to "fake it till you make it."

 

one year is only a drop in the bucket when healing from such a thing as infidelity. it's been said that it takes anywhere from 3-5 years to get on the path toward reconciliation, depending on how hard both parties work at it. by the looks of it- i might be wrong -you two are doing the bare minimum. you seem to be hoping that by some miracle, your gonna regain that passion you lost- NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

 

i agree that the relationship you once had is gone and done... it's been destroyed. you need to start anew. this can only happen through hard work an counseling.

[Babs22]

Well, that's all very cheerful...

 

Why do we need to morph into completely different people to make this work? I married him, after all... I was in my 30s when we got married, so I can't claim that I was young/naive/etc. We'd been together for years; I knew what I was getting and I decided it was what I wanted. Why can't I get back there???

 

GreyDaisy, I was 29 when I married my H and we had lived together for 5 or 6 years prior to that. I also feel like I knew what I was getting into, but I also rug swept some problems that existed prior to the marriage. I thought they were ok, that I could deal with them and the they wouldn't ever effect how I felt about my husband. I was wrong. Over the years, resentments built, I did miss what wasn't present prior to the marriage and didn't even realize how much I missed those things until my AP made me realize how desperately I wanted those things. I am guilty of not letting my H know that I wanted/needed those things. I just thought I had to suck it up and deal with it. Honestly, I know my H, he has always been against counseling so there didn't ever seem to be much of an option to try to improve things. Old Shirt may be rather blunt and doesn't sugar coat anything, but he says some things that ring true to my situation as I am sure they do to yours. I believe he really does mean well. I agree with him that it would take a heck of a lot of work and counseling ($$$) to revive your marriage or mine. In my case, knowing my husband, that just ain't gonna happen.

 

The idea of divorce is painful, I know. I don't know how old your kids are (mine are 20 and 17) but I am sure that weighs on your mind, as it does mine. I do not know how your H is being so calm about being in a sexless marriage. Mine is angry as hell and I don't blame him for that. He treats me like **** because of it, I suppose I deserve that, but it sure isn't doing anything for me even thinking of repairing this relationship. It is far too late in my case. There was a poster here on another thread (I'll have to try to go find who that was) who I asked if she was able to reconnect with her H, she said it took time and work, but yes she and her H had reconnected after her A. She sounds happily married now. I think every case is different, but for you to reconnect to your H, both of you would obviously have to change how you both act/interact with each other. He can't keep doing the same things and neither can you. They aren't working. What's that quote about insanity? Doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results. It's not going to happen.

 

You mention that you love your H and he loves you. That is a start. I can say I care for my H, but I cannot say I love him. Again, too much hurt to feel that emotion. Although a lot of what posters say on here seems harsh, there are grains of truth in a lot of it. I do feel for you and what you are going through. Not sure why we try to hang on to something so tight that is so obviously broken: family, kids, being together so long, social expectations, fear of the unknown, disappointing others, having to do the work to separate our lives after so many years........ I do think my D will be ugly too. I don't think my H is capable of trying to do this in an amicable way, even for the sake of the kids. Our communication wasn't great to begin with (rug sweepers, especially me, I don't like conflict), so that is going to make it more difficult. I am not saying you need to throw in the towel now, but unless something changes for you, I don't know how to reignite the passion and the attraction for your husband.

[Lois_Griffin]

Obviously, I'm not seeking professional opinions from strangers on the internet, nor do I expect there to be a clairvoyant on the board... I was just wondering about similar experiences, successful or not. Isn't that part of the purpose here?

 

I know I'm the one who broke my vows, but I'm a little surprised at the "just throw in the towel" attitude.

Basically, you ARE seeking advice and opinions.

 

You're not being fair to those who have taken the time to reply to you.

 

In your initial post in this thread, you didn't say you were just looking for others to share their similar experiences. You asked if your marriage could be saved and you asked if you could fall back in love with your husband. That's what you asked and that's what people are answering for you.

 

Personally? I agree with the other poster who says your husband is too weak and needy and will accept basically any disrespectful treatment you've given him rather than face a divorce. Sorry. But I do.

[GrayDaisy]

Basically, you ARE seeking advice and opinions.

 

You're not being fair to those who have taken the time to reply to you.

 

In your initial post in this thread, you didn't say you were just looking for others to share their similar experiences. You asked if your marriage could be saved and you asked if you could fall back in love with your husband. That's what you asked and that's what people are answering for you.

 

Sorry, but what? I'm not being fair? Look, I can take my lumps if I need to. I get that infidelity is certainly a sensitive topic. And, honestly, a lot of what oldshirt said is probably spot-on. But let's not pretend that calling someone "lazy, cheap, and shiftless", or making comments about riding the OM like Secretariat is intended to be helpful in any way. I am not asking for anyone to sugarcoat anything for me, but I do ask to not be spoken to like that.

 

I'm sorry if my objectives have been unclear. Of course I'm looking for advice and opinions and similar stories -- all of that. Am I looking for professional opinions? Or predictions of the future? Of course not. Similar stories ARE advice and opinions.

[GrayDaisy]

GreyDaisy, I was 29 when I married my H and we had lived together for 5 or 6 years prior to that. I also feel like I knew what I was getting into, but I also rug swept some problems that existed prior to the marriage. I thought they were ok, that I could deal with them and the they wouldn't ever effect how I felt about my husband. I was wrong. Over the years, resentments built, I did miss what wasn't present prior to the marriage and didn't even realize how much I missed those things until my AP made me realize how desperately I wanted those things. I am guilty of not letting my H know that I wanted/needed those things. I just thought I had to suck it up and deal with it. Honestly, I know my H, he has always been against counseling so there didn't ever seem to be much of an option to try to improve things. Old Shirt may be rather blunt and doesn't sugar coat anything, but he says some things that ring true to my situation as I am sure they do to yours. I believe he really does mean well. I agree with him that it would take a heck of a lot of work and counseling ($$$) to revive your marriage or mine. In my case, knowing my husband, that just ain't gonna happen.

 

The idea of divorce is painful, I know. I don't know how old your kids are (mine are 20 and 17) but I am sure that weighs on your mind, as it does mine. I do not know how your H is being so calm about being in a sexless marriage. Mine is angry as hell and I don't blame him for that. He treats me like **** because of it, I suppose I deserve that, but it sure isn't doing anything for me even thinking of repairing this relationship. It is far too late in my case. There was a poster here on another thread (I'll have to try to go find who that was) who I asked if she was able to reconnect with her H, she said it took time and work, but yes she and her H had reconnected after her A. She sounds happily married now. I think every case is different, but for you to reconnect to your H, both of you would obviously have to change how you both act/interact with each other. He can't keep doing the same things and neither can you. They aren't working. What's that quote about insanity? Doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results. It's not going to happen.

 

You mention that you love your H and he loves you. That is a start. I can say I care for my H, but I cannot say I love him. Again, too much hurt to feel that emotion. Although a lot of what posters say on here seems harsh, there are grains of truth in a lot of it. I do feel for you and what you are going through. Not sure why we try to hang on to something so tight that is so obviously broken: family, kids, being together so long, social expectations, fear of the unknown, disappointing others, having to do the work to separate our lives after so many years........ I do think my D will be ugly too. I don't think my H is capable of trying to do this in an amicable way, even for the sake of the kids. Our communication wasn't great to begin with (rug sweepers, especially me, I don't like conflict), so that is going to make it more difficult. I am not saying you need to throw in the towel now, but unless something changes for you, I don't know how to reignite the passion and the attraction for your husband.

 

Thanks, Babs. I don't know how to reignite it either. Things were fine at first (10+ years ago), but I am having trouble sorting out at this point how much our marriage was irreparably damaged before I had the A, how much of that damage happened as a result of it, and whether it's something that can be found again (or, to some of the posters' points, not found again, but recreated in a new form).

 

I'm not religious, and I did have an affair, so obviously I'm not in a spot to talk about the sanctity of marriage or anything like that. But I do genuinely want to see if I can make this work. I think a lot of posters have made some fair points. Sticking our heads in the sand isn't going to fix anything. Ignoring the problems and hoping things magically get better isn't helping either.

 

I'm not ready to throw in the towel, but I do need to think more seriously about what kind of work is involved in saving this, as well as what we both are willing to live with. Our kids are very young (three under the age of six), and I think it's worth the work. I have no doubt that the D would be amicable if we ended up there, but I'd rather not go that way if I can help it.

 

And for all the posters who claim that my H is a wuss who lets me disrespect him.... all I can say that it's a gross oversimplification. It hasn't been "years" (how do you think I have three young kids??), and he doesn't just roll over and let me do whatever I want. Of COURSE he was angry about the affair. But being angry is one thing; throwing me out into the street is another. I know my actions in the A are to the contrary, but I really respect my H and how he reacted.

 

Yes, there were other circumstances at play that I don't want to get into the details of here. No, they don't excuse the A, and trust me, my H is certainly not giving me a free pass for anything I did. But this undercurrent I'm sensing here seems to be that if my H were a Real Man, he would have tossed me out of the house and would demand that I have sex with him every day. It's unsettling, to say the least.

 

(Sorry, Babs, not all of this was in response to your post directly!)

[GrayDaisy]

let me just say that there is gonna be a lot of "opinions" that are gonna rub you the wrong way... it's an open forum. that's the way things roll. there's a saying around here- "take what you need and leave the rest." infidelity is a very touchy subject, or haven't you realized. you're gonna get dinged. gotta have a thick skin around here or any other open forum, for that matter.

 

that being said, it sounds like you've placed your husband in the good provider, loving father, great friend mode. although you might not see anything wrong with that, there is no passion within your marriage which led you to stray. now tell me... do you really believe that is a healthy way to carry on a marriage? i appreciate that you don't want to hurt anyone any further, especially your children, but in its current form your relationship is not sustainable in the long run... you know it, we know it, and your husband damn well better know it by now. right know, you two are just keeping the status quo... hoping to "fake it till you make it."

 

one year is only a drop in the bucket when healing from such a thing as infidelity. it's been said that it takes anywhere from 3-5 years to get on the path toward reconciliation, depending on how hard both parties work at it. by the looks of it- i might be wrong -you two are doing the bare minimum. you seem to be hoping that by some miracle, your gonna regain that passion you lost- NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

 

i agree that the relationship you once had is gone and done... it's been destroyed. you need to start anew. this can only happen through hard work an counseling.

 

Thanks, Artie. I think that's good advice... I can take the dings if I need to... but dings just for the sake of dinging are not really very constructive.

 

You're right about the category I've placed my H in. I think that's why I married him in the first place, if I'm being honest. And maybe my understanding at the time of what made a good marriage was off?

 

You're also right about us sort of faking it til we make it. I admit it. We talked a LOT about the A when I first confessed, of course, but not so much anymore. It's all tied up with a lot of other problems that were happening, and I think it's just too painful for us to really talk about. But, I suppose we should.

 

A lot of you have made the point that our old relationship is gone. And you're probably right. I think I've had a hard time with that idea. I feel terribly terribly guilty that I am responsible for that.

[BetrayedH]

Well, that's all very cheerful...

 

Why do we need to morph into completely different people to make this work? I married him, after all... I was in my 30s when we got married, so I can't claim that I was young/naive/etc. We'd been together for years; I knew what I was getting and I decided it was what I wanted. Why can't I get back there???

 

I'm going to take a slightly different angle here.

 

Personally, I don't expect hot and heavy passion to be happening when two people have been in a relationship for years/decades. I think having that expectation is what kills marriages. Is it a helluva a lotta fun to play single when you're married? Sure. I doubt there's anyone that wouldn't enjoy a new relationship with a new person after years of being with one person. But that's not the deal with marriage.

 

When you see an older couple that's been together for 3-4 decades, do you think they look at their aged spouse and think, "Wow, I gotta get me some of that!"? The early years of a relationship are full of learning about one another, exploring, getting an ego stroke from someone you find fascinating. Do you really expect to find your husband fascinating forever? Is that the standard he must live up to? I'm sure his stories of his glory days were quite interesting for a while. But by now, you've heard them all and they've lost their luster. The early years are full of limerance. I don't even think of it as love. Real love matures from what happens in that honeymoon phase and is something more akin to a deep, mutual respect and admiration for one another.

 

In a new relationship, each person just shows their best side. And we can keep up our appearances for quite a while. Affairs can be even more exciting because you're limited on when you can see one another; it builds anticipation. But by now you've seen your husband's not-so-pretty side. And I'd imagine he's pretty much fully available to you. What's to get excited about?

 

Is that even a competition that he has a chance of winning? Is he supposed to be in competition for his wife after she's married him?

 

I think much of the reason people get into relationships is because of the validation. It is a great feeling to have another another person desire us, to love us, to want us. It's very validating. Unfortunately, the love of a spouse isn't very validating. They are quite literally stuck with you by virtue of a lifetime contract. Your husband isn't even allowed to have sex with someone else. So when he looks to you for sex, it doesn't do a whole helluva lot for your ego. He's just trying to have sex with the only person he's allowed to have sex with. Does that make you feel special? But if that new married guy in the office gives you just a little bit of attention and a validating comment, well suddenly you feel kinda sexy again. And if he's willing to risk his marriage, kids, possibly even his career for you - well, then you must really be something quite special, huh? The guy can say one thing about your hair or how you smell today and suddenly, you're hooked on the ego stroke. Meanwhile, your husband has dedicated the rest of his life to you (a somewhat significantly greater commitment than easy comments about your pheromones) and it doesn't do jack crap for you anymore.

 

I think it's completely unrealistic to expect to "get back" what you once had. If you want and expect limerance, then you should expect a lifetime of 2-3 year relationships that you drop as soon as they start to mature. Skip marriage because you will always be disappointed. If you want to be married to someone for a lifetime, then get real. Those "in love" feelings are going to morph. And the beauty of that relationship will be more about developing a real love for that person, staying faithful to a commitment that stands the test of time, and respecting/admiring your spouse so much that you want to keep them sexually satisfied. It's no longer about you getting validation or the ego stroke of being desired, but about taking care of your loved one.

 

This is not to say that you can't reinvigorate a spark in your marriage. I just think a big part of that process is accepting that it's not going to be like you were as a teenager, or the beginning of the relationship, or like an affair. What's going to rejuvenate the marriage is both people making a serious commitment to taking care of one another's needs. You take all of those other options off the table and accept thay this is the man of your life. And you can either commit to creating a good sexual life for the two of you or you can watch it go down the drain.

 

You said you just "can't" get yourself to have sex with your husband. Yes, you can. And you can decide to commit yourself to making it fun and exploratory. You can discuss what would be exciting to you. You can give him a chance to really hear where you'd like to take things. And you can be open to him doing the same. You're a grown woman. It shouldn't be about validating your desirability or stroking your ego anymore. It should be about making sure your partner has a great and satisfying sex life and he, in turn, does the same for you.

 

The challenge here is that it takes a commitment from both people to make it work. And you cannot control him; you can only control yourself. But someone has to start it. Someone has to make him or herself vulnerable. In this case, I think that person should be you. Your husband has stuck to his commitment to you, despite your dalliances. It's gonna be kinda rough to expect him to be the one to inspire a lifetime commitment to a great sex life.

[sandylee1]

His apparent easy acceptance of the sexless marriage, including a wife who states she is just not sexually attracted to him, and the acceptance of the affair, may be due to the fact he was/is already stepping out of the marriage.

His needs being met elsewhere, he is staying married for the kids.

Just a thought.

 

My sentiments exactly.

 

Some people don't flip because their having their own affair.

[GrayDaisy]

 

I think it's completely unrealistic to expect to "get back" what you once had. If you want and expect limerance, then you should expect a lifetime of 2-3 year relationships that you drop as soon as they start to mature. Skip marriage because you will always be disappointed. If you want to be married to someone for a lifetime, then get real. Those "in love" feelings are going to morph. And the beauty of that relationship will be more about developing a real love for that person, staying faithful to a commitment that stands the test of time, and respecting/admiring your spouse so much that you want to keep them sexually satisfied. It's no longer about you getting validation or the ego stroke of being desired, but about taking care of your loved one.

 

This is not to say that you can't reinvigorate a spark in your marriage. I just think a big part of that process is accepting that it's not going to be like you were as a teenager, or the beginning of the relationship, or like an affair. What's going to rejuvenate the marriage is both people making a serious commitment to taking care of one another's needs. You take all of those other options off the table and accept thay this is the man of your life. And you can either commit to creating a good sexual life for the two of you or you can watch it go down the drain.

 

Thanks, BetrayedH. I don't expect limerance, or the equivalent, to last a lifetime. I really don't. Before things started to go south in my marriage (long before the A), we were in that spot -- we were a happy boring couple who still had sex enough to keep everyone happy. I do wish I could get us back there, even if it's inevitably going to be different as a result of what I did.

 

I appreciate your perspective...

[66Charger]

Daisey, it seems like a lot are bashing you or your husband, but what they are really saying is that a core part of your marriage is missing. It is hard to understand how someone can go through years of a sexless marriage and infidelity.

 

I too am trying to rebuild the passion in my relationship. Something just killed it dead, (not infidelity) and I know I am hurting her with rejection. I can see it in her eyes. I have tried for almost a year to see her that way again. I really enjoy her company and she is sexy as all hell. We are intimate, but really, i do it for her. It is just not working. The drive and passion just cant be faked. I know one day she may look at us and stop wishing it would return to like it was. The problem is what will I feel? Right now, I think it would be relief. Maybe it would be a wake up call, I dont know, but for me , decision time is near. I wrote before that you cant treat someone that way. That goes for me too.

 

Good luck and I wish you better success than I am having.

[BetrayedH]

Thanks, BetrayedH. I don't expect limerance, or the equivalent, to last a lifetime. I really don't. Before things started to go south in my marriage (long before the A), we were in that spot -- we were a happy boring couple who still had sex enough to keep everyone happy. I do wish I could get us back there, even if it's inevitably going to be different as a result of what I did.

 

I appreciate your perspective...

 

And I appreciate your response. I don't think you can just "wish" you could get back there. I think it takes your commitment to go there and to drag your husband kicking and screaming with you, if necessary.

 

Adjust your expectations on the "passion" piece, make a commitment to building a satisfying sex life for both of you, and follow-thru.

 

If you need physical changes on his part, open up about it. If you need more of an emotional connection, say so. If you need him to be more "the man" of the household, then say that, too, and make sure you're letting him be the man. Consider going to a sex therapist, both of you. Send flirty text messages, go to a toy store together. There's probably a hundred books on this subject.

 

It's not going to be fast. It's not going to be easy. And much of the onus is now going to be on you. But it's either this or you can follow the advice of those that would have you throw in the towel.

[GrayDaisy]

And I appreciate your response. I don't think you can just "wish" you could get back there. I think it takes your commitment to go there and to drag your husband kicking and screaming with you, if necessary.

 

Adjust your expectations on the "passion" piece, make a commitment to building a satisfying sex life for both of you, and follow-thru.

 

If you need physical changes on his part, open up about it. If you need more of an emotional connection, say so. If you need him to be more "the man" of the household, then say that, too, and make sure you're letting him be the man. Consider going to a sex therapist, both of you. Send flirty text messages, go to a toy store together. There's probably a hundred books on this subject.

 

It's not going to be fast. It's not going to be easy. And much of the onus is now going to be on you. But it's either this or you can follow the advice of those that would have you throw in the towel.

 

That all makes sense. What I'm stuck on though is that I'm not really sure how to get myself to really want to do those things. I feel like I probably need to re-invest emotionally before I'll be able to re-invest physically. That's the part I've been working on -- opening up to him more, date nights, etc. Maybe it's just slow-going? Or are you suggesting that it truly is just a "fake it til you make it" type of situation (i.e., just have sex whether I feel like it or not, and hope that that kick-starts the desire)? Because, honestly, I'm otherwise at a loss to identify what I "need" him to do. My worry is that it's just one of those things that is either there or it's not. But maybe I'm not giving enough credence to my ability to change that?

 

(I don't expect you to have answers to all that, by the way. More just thinking out loud.)

[BetrayedH]

That all makes sense. What I'm stuck on though is that I'm not really sure how to get myself to really want to do those things. I feel like I probably need to re-invest emotionally before I'll be able to re-invest physically. That's the part I've been working on -- opening up to him more, date nights, etc. Maybe it's just slow-going? Or are you suggesting that it truly is just a "fake it til you make it" type of situation (i.e., just have sex whether I feel like it or not, and hope that that kick-starts the desire)? Because, honestly, I'm otherwise at a loss to identify what I "need" him to do. My worry is that it's just one of those things that is either there or it's not. But maybe I'm not giving enough credence to my ability to change that?

 

(I don't expect you to have answers to all that, by the way. More just thinking out loud.)

 

Thinking out loud is ok. I'm doing that, too.

 

I've never liked the "fake it til you make it" phrase but I think it's something akin to that. I do think you need to initiate sex and be receptive to it, even when you're not instinctively driven to it. I've found that even when I really haven't wanted sex but decided I'd do it anyway (because I'm not going to unilaterally curse my partner with a sexless relationship), I can still pretty easily get myself into it once things get started. My GF has said the same. But you gotta own some of that process, too. If you just acquiesce to lay there like a starfish, it won't work for either of you. It certainly seems counterintuitive but I think a decision to be passionate for your partner can lead to a passionate experience.

 

Is it always going to work? Probably not. But from what I've seen, the more people have sex, the more they want it. And if you don't have it very often, it's more awkward to initiate and easier to skip. For what it's worth, I think that "it's there or it's not" philosophy is a recipe for disaster. They say marriages are hard work. I think this is exactly what they're talking about. The grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it.

 

I do find myself curious about the sex you had with your AP. How was it different? What "worked" there that isn't working at home? Did he handle you differently? Or was it just the emotional component? If it was physically different and more satisfying, I think you have to have the courage to lead your husband in that direction. For example, some wayward wives become much more submissive to their APs than they ever would with their husband; it feels safer to explore in a hidden and temporary relationship than it does in a marriage where the power dynamic influences daily negotiations. That may be something you need to work on. But if the sex with AP was just more satisfying because of the emotional connection, I think you can dismiss that difference almost altogether as living is lala land (dreaming of "what could have been" and such nonsense when that relationship would also go stale given the same passage of time). Again, you can't expect to develop that honeymoon passion in a mature relationship. Apples and oranges.

 

So yes, I do think you need to have sex even if you don't want to. It's a need for your partner that you should be happy to fill. And if you're not getting what you need from him sexually, I think you gotta have the courage to open that can of works as well. I'd bet your H would be glad to reciprocate in a variety of ways, including non-sexual. Just being willing to have routine and enthusiastic sex with your H might really be a big pressure release valve for your relationship. And you wouldn't feel like date nights are just a manipulative precursor to an expectation for sex.

 

I also noted that you've said you're conflict-avoidant. Keep looking at that. Lots of spouses are conflict-avoidant as they expect to have to negotiate and compromise in a marriage. As well, no one wants to be thought of as the bitch or the nag. And so with good intentions, they make sacrifices and keep the peace. The problem is that resentment can so easily build. And if there's anything that will kill a relationship, it's unresolved resentment. I have learned that as soon as I even sense that something is bothering me and I'm even hesitant to talk about it with my SO, that means I HAVE to talk with her about it. I will no longer ever allow anything to stew. Now sometimes it's not today (when I'm still angry or otherwisr emotional about a tough topic) but I make a commitment to myself that it's going to come up soon and it's going to get resolved. Otherwise it leads to that "checked out" business and you can see how well that works out. Don't avoid conflict. Embrace it and push thru it.

 

Enough rambling by me. I gotta go catch a flight but I'll catch up with you later. I think you have more reason to hope than many. And I think you have the same challenges as just about any marriage (keeping the spark alive). The affair complicates things but I think you can surprise yourself if you commit to a solution. If nothing else, your H will have a huge smile on his face a bit more often. You could probably both use that.

[Artie Lang]

if i may ask, what happened in the aftermath of your confession? how did you break contact with the OM? was it done formally... as in a NC letter sent? how did you cease communication, in other words?

 

was his wife informed? does she even know?

 

i ask because it seems like you're still pining for him(OM), correct me if i'm wrong... he's still occupying head-space up there, is what i mean. you mentioned that he came to his senses. that may be why you can't get it out of your head and focus on your marriage. you might still have some unresolved issues with that.

Edited July 2, 2015 by Artie Lang

[drifter777]

OP: once you actually begin to have sex with your husband do you "perk up" and feel more passion than you had before you started? If this is even mildly true than the "fake it 'till you make it" thing can help you tremendously. Part of that faking it could be getting some naughty toys and bringing them into your sex life. I would say start doing this on your own on a fairly regular basis to kind of get your juices flowing again. Then find a way to get him involved and maybe things will begin to get better in the sack.

 

We can't get too graphic on this forum but we have a "Sexual & Reproductive Health and Practices" forum at LS where you can get some really intimate answers to many of the questions you bring up here regarding re-kindling your sex life.