Marriage Lacks Emotional Connection

[Kristine]

[color=indigo]There is no passion and never has been any passion in our relationship. I'm thinking of divorce, for various reasons including financial, and the oddest thing is I talk with him openly about it. I've fallen for another guy, nothing has happened with him. Logically my husband is the better pick because I already know him and we have a house and a child (2 1/2). With this other guy there are feelings I didn't even know I had. The things he has done to flirt set my heart a fire, if my husband does it I have NEVER felt anything. Like when my husband proposed he kissed my hand (I was like gross), and when this guy kissed my hand I nearly fell over, I was wowed. Why I said yes is a very long story (basically my husband was rebound guy).

 

I may be posting in the wrong forum, but I seriously need to know 3rd parties opinions. Would you stay in a marriage that you were basically miserable in? Or take a chance for love? [/color]

[LucreziaBorgia]

It sounds like you have the makings of an amicable divorce. Did you want to divorce him before the OM was in the picture? How does your husband feel about you leaving?

 

If you were never into the marriage to begin with, you married him under basically false pretense and you talk openly with your husband about leaving, and he doesn't seem to care either way if you stay or go then I see no reason why you shouldn't just go ahead and divorce: regardless of whether there is another man in the picture. It would do better to have a mother and father living happily separately than it would to have mother and father going through the motions until something better comes along.

[whichwayisup]

If you felt that way to start, why get married? People usually adore and are inlove with the ones that they marry...

 

It just makes this whole situation harder as now there's an innocent child involved.

 

I suggest maybe giving your marriage another try. Do couples therapy and try to find that passion, what led you to eachother in first place. There must have been something there otherwise you would not have even dated him to begin with.

 

As for this OM, don't do anything physical with him. Nothing serious has happened ... Yet... Talk to your husband, tell him how you are feeling and see if he wants in or out of the marriage. You really do sound like you want out.

[Kristine]

[color=indigo]Thank you both for your input. I was married previously to man who cheated and abused me. I left for my own sanity. My husband was the "safe guy". He was there, held my hand through the horrible divorce, helped with my son from that marriage, etc. I eventually married him because of numerous reasons, like he was a good guy I thought I could grow to love, I thought my parents would be happy, etc. We got along reasonable well and I figured I could make it work. Well I've since learned you don't grow to love someone, you either do or don't. Aside from that a lot of bad things have happened in our nearly 5 years together and I just can't live the lie anymore. Yes it feels like a lie to me because I'm with someone I don't really love but go through the motions with.

 

Forgot to answer the divorce question. Yes I've been thinking of divorcing him for about 18 months. I met this guy about 7 months ago. I was working on getting licensed and starting a new career so I would be financially independant and not fall into a situation dependant on a man again. Meeting this other guy is like a blessing and a curse. It scares me to feel this way for someone. I know I'm in no position to be involved with anyone right now, which I think is why I'm semi-hanging onto this marriage. I just have a lot of emotions going on. [/color]

[Marshbear]

I might say that the other guy always looks better when your unhappy. Attention from someone when you are in a passion less marriage would seem like heaven. You say you have never felt anything for your H but this guy leaves you breathless. I think you need to be sure before you make this move. Is your H really that disinterested if you divorce or are you just reading it that way. Does that give you approval for being with the other guy? I think you are unsure or you wouldn't be posting on LS. Mae sure you really know what you want before you burn the bridge...

[Kristine]

[color=indigo]Funny that's pretty much what my husband says to me. He says he won't let me date a guy, and if I want to or plan to I need to divorce him first. Yet he doesn't want me to divorce him and up until recently was not going to hear of it basically. His mom, my mother in-law, has said our marriage has gone through more than most and she surprised we've held it together this long.

 

Oh and if you think it's just because a guy has shown me attention well that's really not it. There's a connection there that I haven't experienced before. This will sound boastful but I do tend to attract attention from guys and really this one is different. [/color]

[Marshbear]

I would say you have made up your mind so do what you must...

I was just giving my opinion. Just trying to make you think. It's what you asked for.

[whichwayisup]

Just a suggestion...You could separate from your husband, stay away from this other guy and learn to be on your own. Be independant. I'm not saying DO everything on your own, but as for 'being' with somebody, maybe it's best you get to know YOU abit better. Live life, be a mother and concentrate on youself.

 

You're setting a pattern, jumping out of an abusive bad marriage and then being with the rebound guy...Now the rebound guy is your husband and there's another one for you to go to.

 

Just really think and take some time to figure this out.

[jmargel]

What you have for this other guy is probably not love. It's infactuation. It's the "puppy dog" syndrom. Where life is great, your endorphins jump through the roof. Every relationship (at least most) start off with this. It lasts somewhere between 6 weeks and 6 months. After that it's when you truly find out who that person is. What he's like when he's pissed, when he's moody or doesn't get his way. You'll start noticing his bad habits and get annoyed by some of the things he does.

 

Then at this point you'll start thinking back to your husband and realize that maybe things weren't all that bad. That you gave up a little too early. That you were being immature in alot of ways. Have you tried Marriage counseling with your husband?

 

Personally to me what you did was a very, very selfish thing. You altered your husband's life in a very negative way by marrying him while you knew you didn't "love" him. Not only have you put him through emotional turmoil but you have taken the opportunity from him to find someone that will truly love him. It's time that you wake up and stop thinking only about yourself. You are projecting the abuse you got from your ex onto your current husband. Not by the way of physical abuse but by emotional. Don't continue this trend. Find a counselor that can help you. Even if you go with this other guy, it won't last. It'll be another "rebound" guy. The problem isn't with these men, it's with you.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by jmargel

You altered your husband's life in a very negative way by marrying him while you knew you didn't "love" him. Not only have you put him through emotional turmoil but you have taken the opportunity from him to find someone that will truly love him.

 

I just thought you needed to see that TWICE. You have robbed that man...and he sounds like he's a decent guy too.

 

If this is really the best you can do....then divorce him, and leave the kid with him too. You've already taken enough from the guy. And it doesn't sound like you have the emotional maturity one needs to be a wife and mother.

 

Or, you could STOP your current affair with this other man and get into marriage counseling with your husband. That would give you an opportunity to reevaluate your feelings without the distraction of another love interest, and possibly resolve some of your earlier relationship trauma.

 

 

 

....he won't let me date a guy, and if I want to or plan to I need to divorce him first.

 

Geez....what's the world coming to when your husband won't even let you date!!! WTF?!!

[TUDOR]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

Geez....what's the world coming to when your husband won't even let you date!!! WTF?!!

 

[Kristine]

Jmargel, the truth is I see some of this guys flaws but my feelings for him don't change. Sure there are some I'm not sure I could live with and that's part of the problem (like smoking). The thought of not having this guy in my life is heartbreaking, which surprises me since I really don't know him, but I do know he feels similarly about me.

 

My feelings for my husband are pretty neutral. I don't hate him. He has his good qualities. I just know I married him for the wrong reasons and those very reasons are pushing me to divorce him. He is not an innocent victim, I was honest with him earlier in our relationship. I told him I wasn't in love with him but thought I could grow to love him. I really did believe that back then. I was very hesitant about marrying him and said no to his initial proposals. Even my yes wasn't a yes. I said "I guess" because he had kept on asking me after I told him I just wasn't ready for marriage.

 

I'm not even going to get into the rest because that's not what my question is about. I just needed to clarify my thoughts. I know what I want/need to do, I just need to work up the nerve to do it.

 

For those wondering I have no plans to take his daughter from him. They love each other immeansly just as I did my dad. I will have custody but we've discussed him taking her twice a week and then alternate weekends. It'll be an adjustment for sure but the courts wouldn't grant him custody, my attorney baulked at the aforementioned arrangement as it is.

[jmargel]

The thought of not having this guy in my life is heartbreaking, which surprises me since I really don't know him, but I do know he feels similarly about me.

 

Like I said, it's infactuation. I had this and many, many others have had it. Thing is, infactuation does wear off and only then will true love keep two people together.

 

I was very hesitant about marrying him and said no to his initial proposals. Even my yes wasn't a yes. I said "I guess" because he had kept on asking me after I told him I just wasn't ready for marriage.

 

You should have stuck to your guns. You didn't say 'I guess' you said 'I do' during the wedding. You don't "grow" to love someone when you marry them. You don't even marry them when you "do" love them. You marry the other person when you know you want this other person on your journey of life right beside you.

 

Have you been to counseling for your past abuse? How long have you been married to your husband? It just boggles me that someone who is level-headed will go through with a marriage based on "hoping to love this person". That's why I am suggesting counseling for yourself. No guy is going to make you happy. That's not their responsibility. It's yours and yours alone. Otherwise I can almost guarantee this new guy is not going to work out. I'm not saying this to stop you from leaving your husband, I'm saying it to make sure you take the right steps on getting back on the right track with life.

[Kristine]

I'm in counseling now. I haven't really been given any tools to get over the things that have happened. Having a child with additional parenting requirements from that relationship hasn't helped me move past it. I carry a lot of anger and resentment that I have tried for years to release about that entire era of my life. I just don't know if getting over it can be done because when therapists hear about that experience they wonder how I've coped and end up saying nothing. Yeah that's really helpful.

 

I thought my current husband was a stable, descent guy. I've since learned he's unreliable, clingy, and emotionally detached. For example: I'll say...Our daughter did such and such today, he'll say "That's just a stage." Who says that?! I can't have a regular conversation with him because he dismisses pretty much everything, including the fact I want a divorce (I started that talk last year). We've been married nearly 5 years. He's been unemployed about 3 of those years, not concurrently.

 

I'm just really tired. I don't think I have it in me to be a single parent, but it seems that's the plan God has for me. My dad died a couple weeks ago. I used to think all men would be like him, I haven't found one that even compares. It's not just me who felt that way about him either. His sister wrote a paper about him several years ago for one of her college classes and got an A+ she said. I asked him back in January if love was a choice, he told me "The choice with love is whether you choose to accept it into your life or not." Wish I really understood what that meant.

[jmargel]

Well I would have to say alot of what you are feeling is because of your ex husband and all the other hurt you have gone through. Sounds like your dad was a great role model, someone you looked upto & loved. Your ex husband, and current one don't even compare to your dad. Although no one will be able to compete with him, your husband not working for 3 years will have you resent him quite a bit. His attitude of what you seem of not caring will make you distant from him.

 

He seems like he's the type that doesn't want to deal with the issues because he's afraid of the outcome. However, by him doing this he's going to get the outcome he least desires. It really sounds like you two have communication issues. You can say the same thing in two different ways and get two different responses based just on the way you say things. If you are always negative towards him that is what you are going to get in return. If you are consistantly talking about wanting a divorce then what is there to motivate him to be a better person? My wife does that, critizes me (for petty things). I ask her why does she does this, and her answer is to 'make me a better person'. Well sorry it doesn't work that way. Asking and suggesting are totally different than demanding or critizing.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I'm sure that is very trautamic for you. If you don't think you are getting anywhere with your counselor, then it's time for a new one. Every counselor is different. As for what you dad said to you about love, my guess (since I don't know him) would be that you have been through alot. It's very easy to just not have love in your life so that you don't have to risk being hurt. There are never any guarantees in life either. Love is one of the most eurphic feelings in the world, however they can also be the most hurtful. Life doesn't come with an instruction manual so we don't know what the next page brings. However by not allowing love into our lives we are robbing ourselves of alot of joy. Love, done the right way can bring about alot of healing towards past hurt if you allow it. To do this you need to have trust and faith in yourself and your partner. Your husband needs to show you this and you need to be able to effectively communicate this to him. Perhaps you can print all this out and let him read it. I've also thought that communication is the backbone to either a great relationship or a failed one. But with enough love there is always a way to keep working on it.

[Guest]

From what you say, I think that a divorce is the right way to go.

 

I don;t think you should keep it together 'just because'

 

This was not a real marriage, a true marriage.

 

Certain key elements were missing making it an invalid marriage.

 

 

 

I do think you need to think about this marriage on its own merits and decide if its what you want. I think it isn't what you want.

 

I would suggest to your husband that he go to counseling with you and if he refuses that would tell me that he is not committed and not marriage material.

 

Your absolutely correct that there should be an emotional connection. a healthy one.

 

the fact that you were grossed out by your husband's advances tells me he is not the right one. he must have done some heavy persuasion to get you to marry him despite the fact he grossed you out.

 

Did you feel sorry for him and that's what you decided to marry him...he could have manipulated you emotionally.

[Sal Paradise]

I missed this post.......lol she actually expected that her husband would let her DATE while she was married to him...Oh man the nerve of that woman, I feel sorry for her husband. She decieved him from the beginning, never really loved him at all, and cheated on him, what a horrible wife.

 

Divorce would be the best thing to ever happen to him. Hopefully he can be there for his daughter, she needs at least one stable parent.