Maria92 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I need opinions on something - as I have over the past months had blocks of time where I've felt very insecure and even unwell because of the insecurity. I love my boyfriend and he says he loves me (We're both in our early 20's) - I am generally quite a laid back person and wouldn't say I was fretfully insecure, I give him space, I'm accommodating. In fact, this relationship is more on his terms than mine. Firstly, he is bi (this transpired only recently as he told me he was straight initially) - then he just randomly started going out to gay bars and of course I had to question his motives for doing so and inevitably his sexuality was revealed. He has never invited me out with him to the club, even though we don't see each other that often and I have never met his friends. These friends are people he seems to have just suddenly come into contact with again having previously told me he has no friends in the area. After the first time he went to the gay bar he had a love bite on his neck. I was naturally upset and he assured me it was just his gay friend messing around and that he had done it to several people that night as a joke. I can believe that, and I want to believe that, but I'm not sure I do. This gay friend who gave him the love bite, I also noticed he had logged onto Netflix on my boyfriends computer. My boyfriend has a Netflix account already so I surmised that he'd had this friend over to his house. I wouldn't have a problem with that except he never told me he'd had him over. I wondered why if he had had this friend over, that he'd felt the need to hide it from me? Other times he's made me insecure by outrageously flirting with girls when we are out together and I feel disrespected. I have told him that it hurts me and he just seemed to think it was funny - he is a massive flirt and seems to enjoy the attention of getting girls to fawn over him. I also noticed he has recently saved loads of pictures of random girls ("from the club") Facebook profile pictures on his phone and a friend of mine told me he was liking all of their pictures. As far as I'm aware he doesn't even know these people but it makes me insecure that he has been chatting them up at the club behind my back and that possibly he has been trying to pursue other girls/guys. I sometimes feel like I am going crazy because I hate feeling insecure. What does anyone think about this? Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Your being lied to, cheated on & are at risk for catching an STD. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maria92 Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 okay, can you elaborate please on how you seem so sure of that? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 This isn't all about your insecurities. It's about his crappy behaviour. I have a feeling there's a lot more you don't know about him. Why haven't you met any of his friends? How long have you been together? It sounds to me like he is keeping his two worlds quite separate, which isn't okay in a relationship. My guess is that he is pursuing guys (and possibly other girls) behind your back, and they probably don't know he has a girlfriend at all. What does he say when you question why he never invites you with him on these nights out? The bottom line is that if someone is making you feel so insecure about yourself and the relationship, it's time to ask yourself why you're staying with a person who just doesn't value you that much. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 okay, can you elaborate please on how you seem so sure of that? Your "boyfreind" came home with a hickey that he received FROM A GUY! And you need more elaboration? Stop and think about that for a second. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Maria, is he really the best you can do? Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 How long have you been dating? It does seem rather odd that you have not met any of his friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maria92 Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 We've been dating 5 months. He is quite an introverted guy, and told me he was lonely with no friends. Then suddenly this "niche" (for want of a better description) set of friends appear out of nowhere and he is off going out to gay clubs with them. No, I've never met his friends - but you have made me think that he probably is keeping his "two worlds" separate. On Facebook he is "single" (although I don't have Facebook). Maybe that's not uncommon though to not update your relationship status. I'm so upset about all this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maria92 Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 Your "boyfreind" came home with a hickey that he received FROM A GUY! And you need more elaboration? Stop and think about that for a second. Yes, but what I meant was, how do I know it wasn't just messing around rather than cheating? How do you seem so sure of that? Am I just being dense? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maria92 Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 This isn't all about your insecurities. It's about his crappy behaviour. I have a feeling there's a lot more you don't know about him. Why haven't you met any of his friends? How long have you been together? It sounds to me like he is keeping his two worlds quite separate, which isn't okay in a relationship. My guess is that he is pursuing guys (and possibly other girls) behind your back, and they probably don't know he has a girlfriend at all. What does he say when you question why he never invites you with him on these nights out? The bottom line is that if someone is making you feel so insecure about yourself and the relationship, it's time to ask yourself why you're staying with a person who just doesn't value you that much. He says "I can meet them if I want to".. But then I don't know when he is next going out with them because he's gone quiet about it and tbh I don't want him to go out with them really because I'm so insecure about what he gets up to. He also says his friends "would tear me to pieces".. presumably because he's described them as bitchy. I think that's kind of a pathetic excuse though because I'm able to hold my own when I need to and he knows that. I think there is more to it than that though, probably that he doesn't want people to know he has a girlfriend...and he wants all the attention on (only) him when he's out. Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Unfortunately, a lot of young people in their 20's have poor boundaries. "Somehow" they wind up in bed with other people, or with hickeys on their neck, and lying about it seems the next natural course of action. Those poor boundaries are complemented by partners with poor boundaries who just can't say NO. The task before you is deciding if you want to be with someone who treats you well and shows concern for you. If you decide that you want that, then you must decide how faithful to your requirements you will be. If someone fails to meet those requirements, you end things. Getting rid of your current boyfriend would be a good step in this direction. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Yes, but what I meant was, how do I know it wasn't just messing around rather than cheating? How do you seem so sure of that? Am I just being dense? The guy is a dirt bag because he conned you. He LIED to you about his sexual orientation for starters. Now that he finally graced you with TRUTH, he seems to think just because he's bi that gives him a license to screw around with guys and you should be ok with that. It almost seems like you are ok with it. I wouldn't TOUCH this guy unless I were wearing TWO giant Hefty bags, in case one broke. Yes, you're being dense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maria92 Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 Well I sort of am ok with it - in the sense that I do not have a problem with, nor am I bigoted towards bisexual men. His withholding of his true sexuality is not the main issue here, in the circumstances that is sort of understandable - the issue I am concerned about is whether or not he is sleeping with/pursuing other men/women in addition to sleeping with me. This is something I am not okay with but I somewhat doubt that he would tell me the truth even if I asked him. So the issue is my lack of trust in him, yes, probably exacerbated by his failure to inspire any trust in me. I have asked him if he has pursued other men/women behind my back and he said no and that I don't have to worry...I just have a sense sometimes that he is not truthful. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 . He is quite an introverted guy, and told me he was lonely with no friends. Not according to this: "Other times he's made me insecure by outrageously flirting with girls when we are out together and I feel disrespected. I have told him that it hurts me and he just seemed to think it was funny - he is a massive flirt and seems to enjoy the attention of getting girls to fawn over him." Your bf is not an introvert at all and is hardly lonely. This guy doesn't seem to be as into you as you are with him. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Like I always say, if it doesn't feel right it's not. How much disrespecting do you need before you realize he isn't really into your relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Not according to this: "Other times he's made me insecure by outrageously flirting with girls when we are out together and I feel disrespected. I have told him that it hurts me and he just seemed to think it was funny - he is a massive flirt and seems to enjoy the attention of getting girls to fawn over him." Your bf is not an introvert at all and is hardly lonely. This guy doesn't seem to be as into you as you are with him. Exactly. He's not who he says he is. I wouldn't stay with someone I felt I couldn't trust. His actions contradict his words. Why are you still with him, OP? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 I always say it is better to believe in the best and be surprised by failure than it is to live in fear of failure. However, you do already have one significant established fact in play here.... he lied about being bisexual. If he can lie about being bisexual, he can lie about other things. I wonder if all the people important to him in his life, family, parents etc know about his sexuality or do they think he is straight? If they don't know, then there is the motive for dating you! If they do all know, well then he is dating you for you, but that doesn't mean it is necessarily a good idea! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
54JA Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 You have every right to feel insecure! You have not done anything wrong! It's his behavior and lack of respect for you. You felt disrespected when he flirted with other girls. You have the right to be!! It is disrespectful! It is also extremely disrespectful to come home with a hicky, even if it is from playing around. As you said, his excuse for not wanting his friends to meet you because they would "tear you to pieces" is so lame. My boyfriend would punch them before he lets them tear me to pieces. You have been very clear in your communication. For example, you have already told him that his flirting hurts you. His response should have been, "I'm sorry, I will stop." I understand that you have more tolerance for certain behaviors than I do. I understand that your main concern is the trust and that he is not actively pursuing other guys/girls, and that you can tolerate some of the behaviors as long as he is faithful. But honestly, I really don't think he is treating you right. Just because someone isn't cheating does not mean he is good for you. I really hope that he takes your feelings seriously and make some changes to his behavior. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 You said that you "would not be ok with him sleeping around with other men or women while at the same time sleeping with you". Ummm if he's bisexual then I'm pretty sure you're going to lose that battle. I do not mean to be rude but by just reading your original post you come across as incredibly naive as to your bf and his activities. The excuses he gives you for not meeting his friends or where he gets hickeys from are so blatantly ridiculous. Get out and get out fast. This is just going to end badly for you. If he cared about you at all then he would show you off to his friends at every available opportunity. It sounds like he has sexual identity issues and might not know himself what gender he wants to date. Until he figures it out or you stop letting him get away with sleeping around then nothing will change. He's in no place to date you and you're enabling him to continue treating you like a hidden object. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Yes, but what I meant was, how do I know it wasn't just messing around rather than cheating? How do you seem so sure of that? Am I just being dense? Yes your are "just being dense". They were "messing around" and messing around with someone else is cheating when you are in an exclusive relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Well I sort of am ok with it - in the sense that I do not have a problem with, nor am I bigoted towards bisexual men. This is the card that bisexuals play when they cheat with others of the same sex. They make it like it is an issue of their sexuality when it is not. It is an issue of not being faithful in an exclusive relationship or not. In fact the less bigoted you are about bisexuals, the more you would realize that what he is doing is cheating. If he were clubbing without you with another woman that bites him on the neck, you would recognize this as him dating outside of your relationship and rightfully be upset. You not placing the same value on his inappropriate relationships with other men as you would place on inappropriate relationships with other women, shows that you have a bigoted world view on such same sex relationships as you are valuing them less. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maria92 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Yes your are "just being dense". They were "messing around" and messing around with someone else is cheating when you are in an exclusive relationship. He told me the love bite was a result of his gay friend giving one to about 3 different people as a "joke". Now I've thought it through, it doesn't really seem that plausible.. but he did seem genuinely upset about it and promised me he hadn't cheated on me. I don't know. If he'd made out with this guy (or girl, whoever the hell it was) or had sex with them and the love bite happened then, I'd consider that cheating. But if it was how I imagined it to be (probably my naivety again) - and he was grabbed when he was drunk by an even drunker gay guy (my bf said he didn't even notice) and given a love bite?.. Oh God I've just realised how ridiculous that sounds. Although I rang him up in tears the other day and asked had he slept with this gay guy and he promised me he hadn't and he said he didn't even like him/he thought he was really annoying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maria92 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Not according to this: "Other times he's made me insecure by outrageously flirting with girls when we are out together and I feel disrespected. I have told him that it hurts me and he just seemed to think it was funny - he is a massive flirt and seems to enjoy the attention of getting girls to fawn over him." Your bf is not an introvert at all and is hardly lonely. This guy doesn't seem to be as into you as you are with him. He is more of an introvert than an extrovert I think. He spends a lot of time on his own, has fairly solitary interests from what I know - watching TV, gaming etc. I think the flirting is him over-compensating for lacking confidence. Not an excuse, but an explanation. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 He told me the love bite was a result of his gay friend giving one to about 3 different people as a "joke". Now I've thought it through, it doesn't really seem that plausible.. but he did seem genuinely upset about it and promised me he hadn't cheated on me. I don't know. If he'd made out with this guy (or girl, whoever the hell it was) or had sex with them and the love bite happened then, I'd consider that cheating. But if it was how I imagined it to be (probably my naivety again) - and he was grabbed when he was drunk by an even drunker gay guy (my bf said he didn't even notice) and given a love bite?.. Oh God I've just realised how ridiculous that sounds. Although I rang him up in tears the other day and asked had he slept with this gay guy and he promised me he hadn't and he said he didn't even like him/he thought he was really annoying. Yeah, right. He must've been darn near unconscious to not notice that someone was sucking on his neck. He knew what he was doing. Do you not believe you can do better than someone who won't introduce you to his friends, comes home from the club with love bites and lied about his sexual orientation? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maria92 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Yeah, right. He must've been darn near unconscious to not notice that someone was sucking on his neck. He knew what he was doing. Do you not believe you can do better than someone who won't introduce you to his friends, comes home from the club with love bites and lied about his sexual orientation? That's true. I can't believe I let that go so easily. Was it likely to have happened during him making out with someone you think? Or it was just someone being "playful" that he allowed to get out of hand? Yes I can do better. Link to post Share on other sites
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