Forever attached to the person you lost your virginity to?

[changeofseasons]

As someone who is coping with the fact that i gave away so much to someone who could've cared less, i wanted to get some encouragement about some people who came up on top, and moved on from the person they lost their vcard to, but i haven't heard many. I've read quite a few blog posts and known a few people who say that they never got over this person and they feel like they never will. Do you believe this is true? What are your guys' opinion or experience about this?

[S_A]

To be brief, I never had trouble getting over the person I lost my virginity to. I got over her no different than I got over the GF's that came after. I did have any sentiment toward my virginity.

 

Can't speak for my any GF's as I have never taken a girl's virginity.

 

Personally, if I split with my current GF, I'd probably take it harder than the usual. I'd say she has taken my "virginity" in other ways. But I think I may have taken her's in other ways as well

[d0nnivain]

In time the pain will subside.

 

It's devastating when you gave somebody something you thought was so precious but they didn't treat it that way.

 

Most people move on. This experience should help you read people better so you don't make the same kind of mistake again.

 

But to the extent that you made the choice to change your status, hang on to that. It was your choice. You weren't forced. Maybe it wasn't the best decision but it was your decision & sadly experience is the best teacher.

[Palmeiras]

Newsflash: The vast majority of people don't end up with the partners they lose their virginity to.

 

I lost mine to my first long-term girlfriend, and she lost hers to me. We didn't really think about it as such at the time, because it just seemed like the natural course of things. We were very much into each other.

 

Of course, we didn't make it, and it was almost entirely my fault (I was a completely different person back then). I'm sure that she regretted a lot of things in the aftermath, but I have no way of knowing because we never spoke again. If I had it to do over, I would undo everything, but only for her sake, not for mine.

 

That being said, she was a very talented and ambitious girl, and I know she moved past all of that and found much better things in life. And I went on to achieve some pretty notable things myself. The only thing I will ever truly regret is that I will never get to properly and sincerely apologize to her, because the time for that passed long ago. In the end, I'm sure that we both ended up with people that were better for both of us; I know for a fact that I did.

 

The moral here is that life goes on, and everybody has to confront interpersonal hardship. You can cling to painful memories, or you can live in pursuit of the possibilities that tomorrow and every subsequent day will bring. Your choice. Life can be fun, but it can also be ruined by one's state of mind and reluctance to part with comfort and habit.

Edited July 2, 2015 by Palmeiras

[changeofseasons]

Newsflash: The vast majority of people don't end up with the partners they lose their virginity to.

 

I lost mine to my first long-term girlfriend, and she lost hers to me. We didn't really think about it as such at the time, because it just seemed like the natural course of things. We were very much into each other.

 

Of course, we didn't make it, and it was almost entirely my fault (I was a completely different person back then). I'm sure that she regretted a lot of things in the aftermath, but I have no way of knowing because we never spoke again. If I had it to do over, I would undo everything, but only for her sake, not for mine.

 

That being said, she was a very talented and ambitious girl, and I know she moved past all of that and found much better things in life. And I went on to achieve some pretty notable things myself. The only thing I will ever truly regret is that I will never get to properly and sincerely apologize to her, because the time for that passed long ago. In the end, I'm sure that we both ended up with people that were better for both of us; I know for a fact that I did.

 

The moral here is that life goes on, and everybody has to confront interpersonal hardship. You can cling to painful memories, or you can live in pursuit of the possibilities that tomorrow and every subsequent day will bring. Your choice. Life can be fun, but it can also be ruined by one's state of mind and reluctance to part with comfort and habit.

 

This kinda opened my eyes a bit.

 

I grew up in a very religious family so i've been scolded a million times about my ordeal, i really dont want to look in the past and just have nothing but regrets. Yeah, i may have not been with the right person but i know it could've been alot worse.

 

Thanks everyone for the insight.

Edited July 2, 2015 by changeofseasons

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Nope. I had a chance to date my first ex who we both lost our virginity to each other. First real relationship for both of us also. She cheated on & dumped me like 18 years ago. She had been looking for me over the years, but couldn't find me as I don't have social media. We randomly ran into each other not long ago. We were somewhat friends for a bit, but she wanted a relationship & I was not attracted to her at all. She had put on some pounds, but the worst part is she had become a very hateful & ugly person.

[Tribble]

Good grief I hope not

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On a serious note, I get it. I was brought up religious also so I understand the significance your vcard is given. Although I'm not religious now and wasn't for a long time before I lost my virginity, it still seemed...odd to lose it and something that should be cherished. I always felt it should be special and at least in a long term, committed relationship.

 

 

But life has a funny way of working out very differently to how you imagined. I held out a long time, way past average and I ended up losing it on a ONS, with someone I knew who had rejected me as relationship potential some months earlier. We were friends (although I've since found out he's a jerk, so we're not any more), we were drinking, having fun and it happened. And I didn't regret it. What would be the point? I can't take it back, it wouldn't change anything. Right then, in that moment, I made a decision and did it. And he couldn't have cared less if he'd tried. When I said, woah, hold on a minute, I'm a virgin, he said 'so what?'. And he ignored me afterwards. But still I didn't regret it. I guess it helps that I wasn't into him at all (nor him into me) and by that point, I felt sex couldn't hurt me. Unrequited love had hurt me enough, this was nothing.

Sex is just an activity you can do. You can chose to share it with whoever you want but it certainly isn't a precious gift. You did what you did for reasons that were present then. Own that and move on. Our experiences (and how we handle them) make us who we are. You can't change your past but you can certainly live your future.

[Methodical]

Unless you were desperate to get it over with, or succumed to peer/partner pressure, losing your virginity happened with someone who was special "at the time." Otherwise, you'd have held off. Will you get over it and move forward? Absolutely! Will you forget? Unlikely, because the first time was...well, your first time. You gave away a part of yourself that you'll never get back. You may have even thought that was the person you'd spend the rest of your life with and when that didn't happen, you realized you can't get a refund, what's done is done. If it felt right at the time, don't beat yourself up. Because you grew apart or whatever, doesn't mean you screwed up, especially if it felt right at the time.

[carhill]

What are your guys' opinion or experience about this?

 

My bet is, personally, if I had lost my virginity at a young age, the likelihood of 'forever attached' would have been far greater. Why? Socialization regarding women and more blatant and pervasive emotional bonding. By the time I actually did lose it, I had a lot of experience with women and the emotional perspective of a mature man. When that LTR ended, the person ended with it as an attachment. No unfinished business nor attachment. IMO, such dynamics are individual as we are each wired up uniquely and socialized uniquely and the interplay of those milieus affects our sexual and emotional perspectives individually. I do know it took a very long time to 'get over' the first emotional attachment. Common? Probably not!

[MissBee]

As someone who is coping with the fact that i gave away so much to someone who could've cared less, i wanted to get some encouragement about some people who came up on top, and moved on from the person they lost their vcard to, but i haven't heard many. I've read quite a few blog posts and known a few people who say that they never got over this person and they feel like they never will. Do you believe this is true? What are your guys' opinion or experience about this?

 

This isn't true for most people.

 

I mean, I personally find the "v-card" idea a bit ridiculous to be truthful and while yes, your first time having sex is a big deal and you'll always remember the experience, I don't think it is helpful to think of virginity as something you can give away.

 

I am not forever attached to the person I first had sex with. We weren't even in a relationship and I think at first I tried to make it more than what it was, then I stopped. It has beeen yeaaaaaaars. I still speak to him on the rare occasion, like once every two years or so, but otherwise, I don't think about him neither am I forever attached and can't get over him. If I had to do it over I might have had sex with the guy I was dating the summer before college who I was head over heels for but it was a summer romance and I went to college and he went back to his country. I think it would have been more meaningful that way and we came close but I was scared. So in doing it over I would have changed that, but currently, it's not anything I think about or that I cannot move past.

 

Speaking with friends, I don't know a single one who is forever attached to the person they first slept with. And most of us agreed that it wasn't a magical or even all that romantic experience...most of the stories are mostly awkward, slightly regrettable, some sweet...but overall most people move on and go on to live full and productive lives having better sex and falling in love and not with the first person they slept with.

Edited July 2, 2015 by MissBee

[SammySammy]

I definitely got over her.

 

If she hadn't been my wife and wasn't the mother of my child, I would rarely think of her. If ever.

[preraph]

Sorry you're having a hard time with this. I really think it's about the same dynamic as when you realize love is not a fairytale. That's a hard jolt for a lot of girls/women when they realize, no, there's no one guy made for you and all perfect who once you meet will magically love you forever. It's really almost the same thing, and whole lot of people have been through that. It's hard to believe that someone can act like they love you and be totally convincing and then come to the conclusion that it was really just a moment for them and probably what they love is lust and getting laid. It's hard to believe that someone you thought was so sincere will go on to convince any number of other women he loves them too. I was even getting pretty old by the time I fully realized that different people simply have different levels of love and sometimes their love is fleeting or is just an illusion. Sometimes their love is only tied to themselves and therefore they don't have enough empathy to keep from hurting you by just doing what they want to do.

 

Anyway, it's just real life. My first wasn't even a boyfriend. I just wanted to get rid of my virginity and picked the safest guy around to do it. I didn't want to do it first with someone I had a lot at stake with in case I wasn't any good at it or it hurt and I wanted to stop or something. I was insecure in that way. I wanted to practice before I did it with someone I might care about. But everyone is different.

 

I guess I don't know anyone who hasn't been disappointed by love. You just have to realize that life isn't perfect, people aren't perfect, but try to get something valuable out of both life and people and toss back the ones who give you nothing you need.

[Phoe]

Nope.

 

0 attachment and 0 desire to have anything to do with him.

 

I know it sounds terrible, but he could die tomorrow and I probably wouldn't even know about it for a long time.

[Pompom]

I sold mine and while the sex was great, I can't remember his face. Meh. Virginity is overrated imho. Do I remember who pierced my ears or stapled my stomach?

[Clarence_Boddicker]

I sold mine and while the sex was great, I can't remember his face. Meh. Virginity is overrated imho. Do I remember who pierced my ears or stapled my stomach?

 

I thought you can only sell your virginity on eBay lol I'm not even gonna ask how much it cost

[craw]

Nope. I was in love with him, dated for two years, before I popped the cherry.

 

I don't regret it, because I was in complete control. I didn't feel any pain whatsoever. Unfortunately, I hear so many horror stories of girls being pressured to do it or losing it to guys only to have them dump them the next morning.

 

It's an experience to be enjoyed and cherished. I am glad we did end up breaking up. I would have been married at a crazy young age and stuck in a rut. No thanks!

[Palmeiras]

This kinda opened my eyes a bit.

 

I grew up in a very religious family so i've been scolded a million times about my ordeal, i really dont want to look in the past and just have nothing but regrets. Yeah, i may have not been with the right person but i know it could've been alot worse.

 

Thanks everyone for the insight.

 

There's something you really need to think about here:

 

Humans consider certain aspects of their existence important. Often times, those things are tied to religious mandates, but the actual reasons for those things being important are rooted in common sense and evolutionary experience. However, many humans have a difficult time making personal philosophical leaps to determine for themselves why certain things are of more importance than others. Thus, if there is something a given society needs to protect or discourage (as determined by the leaders of that society), that particular thing will get incorporated religiously, along with clearly defined divine punishments for transgressing against the mandate. That makes it easier to scare people into compliance, and retards their own ability to come to their own conclusions about their existence and human nature in general.

 

Ask yourself this: Why exactly is virginity considered to be so important, both on a personal and a societal level? I urge you to seek and provide your own answers to this question.

 

I will let you in on this: For our purposes, "god" is the universe, and therefore the universe is "god." And the universe is terribly vast and dispassionate, and it cares not about the virginity (or loss thereof) of any particular human being (and isn't it interesting that we refer to it as a "loss"?). And if this "god" is sentient in some loosely definable way, I promise, promise, promise he/she/it is definitely not worried about who people give their respective "v-cards" to. There are much, much more important things on just our tiny planet, and "god" would want you thinking about those things instead; personal relinquishment of virginity and/or capture of that of another is comparatively inconsequential.

 

People should be selective about who they have relations with, but there are very practical and logical reasons for that. You have to determine what those are for you, and forget about nonsense like religious dogma and retribution. Those are for people who can't or don't want to develop their own concept of life, self, and relativism in the universe.

Edited July 3, 2015 by Palmeiras

[No Limit]

Still a virgin, and while I did believe for a long time my virginity was something special that changed quickly after my first kiss. Can't even remember his face. I think it was more of an accomplishment for the guy though, not many could have gone that far with a girl while wearing a piggy-hat.

 

Now good sex on the other hand, the type that blows your mind, sounds more of a goal to me. Something you actually need to work on. The 1st time is just basics.

 

I thought you can only sell your virginity on eBay lol I'm not even gonna ask how much it cost

 

There are virgin auction websites, although most girls overrate themselves hopelessly and put up prices like 500,000$.

But there are many minors who sell it for 100$ or less.

[Palmeiras]

Now good sex on the other hand, the type that blows your mind, sounds more of a goal to me. Something you actually need to work on. The 1st time is just basics.

 

Bang on.

 

As they say, "The past is just practice."

 

Sex can be terrific with one's first partner, but I know that it isn't for a lot of people. The goal is to have it be great and fulfilling whenever it can be, and the odds of that improve with experience.

[CarrieT]

Meh - I had such a bad self-opinion that I asked a guy to take my V-card because I honestly thought no one would ever want me.

 

Years later, when I met him again, he asked about the experience and didn't realize I was a virgin at the time.

 

I barely remember his name.

[Popsicle]

As someone who is coping with the fact that i gave away so much to someone who could've cared less, i wanted to get some encouragement about some people who came up on top, and moved on from the person they lost their vcard to, but i haven't heard many. I've read quite a few blog posts and known a few people who say that they never got over this person and they feel like they never will. Do you believe this is true? What are your guys' opinion or experience about this?

 

I had a really great experience my first time. We were so in love and he was really good to me. I couldn't have asked for a better first experience, however, we did end up breaking up later. I moved on and never harbored any longing feelings for him though, but I see him social media all the time. There is nothing there.

[mrs rubble]

My first was a very special guy, we never really broke-up. He moved city's and eventually moved on to another woman. This was nearly 30 years ago.

We met up again 5 years ago, when he was on holiday in my city. We were both single again at this point and I slept with him again.

He still knocks my socks off, I've never met a man before or since who compares to him....we just weren't meant to be...he lives on the other side of the world.

[changeofseasons]

Thank you guys for sharing your stories! It's nice to hear how diverse everyones experiences were.

 

I'm becoming less and less sentimental about the guy i've been struggling with, tonight he got pissed that i blocked him and called me "****ing retarded" and naive. Them feelings sure are dying off lol

[elaine567]

NO sentiment or special significance attached.

Young, in love, it seemed the natural thing to do. Good experience.

Lasted about 2 years, I grew up a bit, I fell out of love, I wanted different things, I moved on...

He means absolutely nothing to me now.

I, in no way consider him to be the love of my life, nor do I feel any special attachment to him, he is just a guy I used to date for a while.