Is this abuse, or am I delusional?

[JustOnce]

I am very confused, and would like the input of people who have no attachment to my situation. I am not sure if my marriage is abusive, or if I am delusional and deluded, or really what to do anymore.

 

Background: I had a very challenging childhood. Both parents were drug addicted, and my mother was physically and emotionally abusive. I witnessed a brutal rape of a neighbor by her molester-grandfather, and I believe my mother traded sexual access to me in exchange for drugs. Father was a misogynist, and after my mother left him (I was 12), he vented his anger towards women on me through verbal abuse and deprivation (ex. throwing away most of my clothes, denying me menstrual pads, accusations of promiscuity, etc).

 

I eventually became suicidal, was hospitalized after trying to buy a gun from a gang-involved friend, who told a councilor. Ended up in a state psychiatric institution on medication for depression, which triggered Cushing's Disease (medically induced rapid weight gain and then loss), which resulted in some loose skin and stretch scars across my entire body. I was eventually put in foster care.

 

It did get better, though. In my late teens, my mother got into NA/recovery, and we reconnected. We managed to heal our relationship, mostly. I ended up going to community college and discovered I was academically capable, so I was able to get a University degree on scholarship. I stayed trim and healthy, and with the exception of the body stretch scars which faded to white, I ended up fairly attractive and even had modelling offers. I had therapy, and was extremely happy to finally have some success in life. I truly thought I was healed from my childhood traumas. All things considered, I think I have managed my life well.

 

Oops. Enter my relationship drama. In my early 20s, I married an older foreign man who I met over the internet. I thought he would be a good guy, because he was religious, and very much against premarital sex/drinking/drugs/etc. Even though I am primarily attracted to women (always have been, as was my mother), I wanted a "normal" family life, and thought a conservative husband could give that to me.

 

What I did not realize is that he himself had a severely ill mother, with a personality disorder, and Munchhausen syndrome. As a result, he hated women, did not trust them, and was a sexual sadist with a pornography addiction. I truly didn't see this coming, as crazy as it sounds. I thought he was a nice guy.

 

I truly loved this man in an idealized way, my mother liked him, and it seemed perfect from the outside. We had 4 children, he was a good father, and we had a decent friendship. But our sex life was horrific. Body shaming, cruel jokes, refusing any type of affection. When we did have sex, he had to inflict pain on me in order to enjoy it. I thought this was normal. Despite being very rejecting, we managed to form a friendship, and he did soften somewhat over the decade we were married. But, he was still very cruel in withholding sex/affection and constant negative comparisons to other women (most of whom were fictional characters, women he idealized from afar, or porn stars).

 

During my 4th pregnancy, and midwife noticed the bruises on my breasts (he would slap/twist/pinch them if we had sex), and my husband's indifference, and suggested that I was in an abusive relationship. She involved a social worker. I was still in total denial and thought my marriage was fine.

 

The turning point came one day when I was in labor, and walked in on him watching rape porn. Maybe it was the hormones, or the memories of the rape I had witnessed as a child, or being pregnant with a girl. I don't know, but suddenly, I could see things clearly. I told him I wanted divorce when the baby was a few weeks old.

 

Everything has spiraled downward since then. He has been physically aggressive twice (throwing me on the ground, punching chest/arms). We have both took turns threatening suicide and wishing the other dead. I have slapped him twice -- felt terrible and apologized, both times. He has said on many occasions that he is holding back the urge to smash my head in. I have threatened to have affairs to improve my self esteem, which is what triggers the worst of his abuse. I got plastic surgery to fix my skin damage, but still feel chronically hideous, which makes me want to act out sexually. I have even signed up on affair sites, which is extra crazy, because I am not even attracted to men. The only thing which stops me is that I don't want to hurt other people with my family drama.

 

He has a severe fear of abandonment, and confessed to a history of a delusional disorder (thought he was Jesus Christ as a young man), which I did not know about beforehand. He has threatened himself with a knife, which I wrestled away from him. He has also burned his hands on the stove, and harmed himself with a screwdriver in a way I wish not to describe.

 

On the positive -- he started getting very religious, and follows some religious marriage-based group online which involves praying and fasting. He has given up porn, and wants sex constantly now. The sex is no longer violent, and we do have sex twice a day, at least. He is more affectionate, although I fear it is just a way to keep me. I feel secure having sex, but cannot enjoy it because I am not romantically or physically attracted to him. It has been this way for 2 years.

 

I feel like I am trapped in a nightmare. I have 4 kids, and although I have a degree, I have been a SAHM. We live rurally, and I do not drive. I have no support. My overseas mother is the only one who knows all this, and she thinks I should stay with him for the kids, because she regrets her own divorce. My husband immediately formed an alliance with her when he felt me pulling away, and they both encourage me to stay. I do love my husband, but as a friend, and with reservations.

 

I feel like my judgement is screwed up, and can't be sure if my mother is right. My husband is not violent IF I do exactly what he wants, and don't threaten to leave him. I have a fear that if I stop threatening to leave, he will start being cruel again. He does support the family, and the kids love him. We own a farm, which was something I always dreamed about, and i love it.

 

I want so much to ask him to leave so we can get a divorce, but I am terrified of the fallout. I don't know what is right anymore. Yet I have a strong need for love, even if that means only a strong accepting friendship. I want a female partner, an equal. I actually dream about having my own wife, just this sweet and kind and loving person to grow old with. I want to raise my kids, grow things in the garden, and have a peaceful life. I wonder if my overwhelming desire for love with an idealized (and probably unattainable) 'wife' is not influencing me to want divorce? That is what my mother and husband both feel.

 

Does this sound crazy? I do not know if I need help, or just a reality check.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

No, you want a genuine life. If you want happiness, you're only choice is divorce. Find out what rights you have in your new country. Sorry you're in such a bad position. You might want to do baby steps towards independence & hope your husband won't catch on. Yes, you're a classic abuse victim.

[Radu]

Honestly ... you are abusive too, from what you wrote.

 

But more importantly, the environment that you both create is toxic, and yes, he is also abusive.

 

What country are you in ?

[JustOnce]

It is toxic. Writing it out makes it clearer to me, too.

 

It was (and is) much better when I don't challenge him. Very hard to do, in practice, because I feel the need to defend myself. It's hard for me to know what is justified, and what is aggressive.

 

I am worried that my own behavior is taking an abusive turn. I am not proud of having slapped him. This was a while ago, shortly after I gave birth. I honestly think I lost it when he punched me. But, no excuses. I did promise him (and myself) that it would not happen again, and it hasn't.

 

The threatening of affairs is not good, either. I have been honest with him about all my actions, and asked for permission for an open relationship, so there is nothing hidden. But, I am aware that it triggers his own fear of abandonment and he does not want an open relationship, which makes it wrong.

 

I really don't want to be 'that' person, and never was before. Which is really a good reason to end things.

[wizer]

He has been physically aggressive twice (throwing me on the ground, punching chest/arms). We have both took turns threatening suicide and wishing the other dead. I have slapped him twice -- felt terrible and apologized, both times. He has said on many occasions that he is holding back the urge to smash my head in.

 

Does this sound crazy? I do not know if I need help, or just a reality check.

 

Yes its crazy to stay with a guy who has been physically abusive, wishes you dead, and who is holding back the urge to smash your head in. Do you really need an internet stranger to tell you that this is not a healthy situation to be in?

[jen1447]

^ A lot of victims of abuse/mind control do, as a matter of fact. Part of the manipulation of an effective controller type is to brainwash their victims into irrationally thinking they can't trust their own instincts and believing that somehow they're the cause of every problem in their lives and relationships.

 

It's a large contributing reason as to why so many abused people stay in harmful situations.

[Radu]

It is toxic. Writing it out makes it clearer to me, too.

 

It was (and is) much better when I don't challenge him. Very hard to do, in practice, because I feel the need to defend myself. It's hard for me to know what is justified, and what is aggressive.

 

I am worried that my own behavior is taking an abusive turn. I am not proud of having slapped him. This was a while ago, shortly after I gave birth. I honestly think I lost it when he punched me. But, no excuses. I did promise him (and myself) that it would not happen again, and it hasn't.

 

The threatening of affairs is not good, either. I have been honest with him about all my actions, and asked for permission for an open relationship, so there is nothing hidden. But, I am aware that it triggers his own fear of abandonment and he does not want an open relationship, which makes it wrong.

 

I really don't want to be 'that' person, and never was before. Which is really a good reason to end things.

 

Meh, the slap was warranted to some degree and could be counted as self-defence, i was referring to :

Everything has spiraled downward since then. He has been physically aggressive twice (throwing me on the ground, punching chest/arms). We have both took turns threatening suicide and wishing the other dead. I have slapped him twice -- felt terrible and apologized, both times. He has said on many occasions that he is holding back the urge to smash my head in. I have threatened to have affairs to improve my self esteem, which is what triggers the worst of his abuse. I got plastic surgery to fix my skin damage, but still feel chronically hideous, which makes me want to act out sexually. I have even signed up on affair sites, which is extra crazy, because I am not even attracted to men. The only thing which stops me is that I don't want to hurt other people with my family drama.

 

He has a severe fear of abandonment, and confessed to a history of a delusional disorder (thought he was Jesus Christ as a young man), which I did not know about beforehand. He has threatened himself with a knife, which I wrestled away from him. He has also burned his hands on the stove, and harmed himself with a screwdriver in a way I wish not to describe.

That's the part that shows emotionally abusive behaviour.

Basically, you have started being able to dish it out too ... and it's a slippery slope after that.

 

I want so much to ask him to leave so we can get a divorce, but I am terrified of the fallout. I don't know what is right anymore. Yet I have a strong need for love, even if that means only a strong accepting friendship. I want a female partner, an equal. I actually dream about having my own wife, just this sweet and kind and loving person to grow old with. I want to raise my kids, grow things in the garden, and have a peaceful life. I wonder if my overwhelming desire for love with an idealized (and probably unattainable) 'wife' is not influencing me to want divorce? That is what my mother and husband both feel.

 

Does this sound crazy? I do not know if I need help, or just a reality check.

It is probably influencing you a little, but it still does nothing to explain the fact that there is abuse in your family family dynamic and you two are toxic together.

 

Also, fyi, abuse is more likely in lesbian relationships than in heterosexual relationships.

Gay relationships [between gay men] have less abuse.

Essentially, what can happen is that the women in question will stop holding back against the SO because she is a woman.

 

I'm not saying that your dream is unattainable [it isn't], but that you need to first learn good boundaries [which is what you are doing by asking the questions in this thread] and then how to enforce them ... and finally to wait a while before introducing your future female/male partner to the kids.

You are on the right path though.

[Radu]

^ A lot of victims of abuse/mind control do, as a matter of fact. Part of the manipulation of an effective controller type is to brainwash their victims into irrationally thinking they can't trust their own instincts and believing that somehow they're the cause of every problem in their lives and relationships.

 

It's a large contributing reason as to why so many abused people stay in harmful situations.

 

Spot on.

 

OP, imagine that 2 ppl are 2 yards apart.

Around them is a bubble that represents the way they see the world, their filter.

The intensity of the color shows the strength of their resolve in how they see the world.

 

When you put 2 together a weak person [or even normal one] and a good manipulator [be it egotistical, cult leader, narcissist, etc ...] the weaker partner's view of reality is changed over time to be replaced to with the dominant partner's view of reality.

It's why ppl stay and believe in cults.

The longer you stay in such a situation, the weaker your strength in how you perceive reality is.

 

Your thread and questions, are a way to challenge the version of reality you have been indoctrinated into during this relationship.

[JustOnce]

I appreciate the responses. Radu, I admit that I didn't like hearing some of what you've said, but I think it is correct.

 

Anyway, I doubt I should be dating anyone for a long while. Way too much baggage, and I am likely to delude myself into finding someone I believe is "perfect", only to end up in a similar situation. I do not want to do this again. It is better for potential partners that I remain single until I am in a really solid place, if that ever happens.

 

It's galling, but part of me likes the abusive dynamic. I feel valued to be at the centre of the drama. Like, if he's freaking out over me, it means I matter. Yikes.

 

I have to take responsibility, because I picked my partner (literally -- I pursued him while declining more stable partners). He had never been in an adult romantic relationship prior, although he said he wanted companionship, and he blatantly sabotaged things the whole time. So, I can't play victim, because I orchestrated the situation.

 

He has stated that I am 'throwing him away' like his mother, and it triggers major abandonment stress in him. I don't think that is manipulation. He gets full out panic attacks, and over the top with his faith to cope (praying is good, but he literally hears replies and has 'visions').

 

Truth...it is easier for me to focus on his mental health than my own. I feel guilt for hurting him, and this keeps me stuck. But I really don't see separation as 'throwing him away'. I have told him we will be friends for life, and he's not alone, even if we are not meant to be a couple. I see it as freeing both of us from something which is crazy-making.

 

It's very hard to let go. We hide the drama from the kids, but obviously they know there are issues. I do not want to damage them emotionally.

[turnera]

Just like YOU grew up to be abusive/abused, your CHILDREN will grow up to be abusive/abused - if you do not leave the marriage.

 

Find a shelter, and make plans to leave. If he really loves you, you removing yourself from his house will give him a reason to learn better skills.

 

If you stay there, he has no REASON to get better.

 

And, if you leave and he doesn't do what it takes to earn you back, you'll know you're better off without him.

[spiderowl]

It's galling, but part of me likes the abusive dynamic. I feel valued to be at the centre of the drama. Like, if he's freaking out over me, it means I matter. Yikes.

 

How would you feel if you weren't at the centre of the drama? What is it you are avoiding in that respect? He has power over you and you have power over him. Each of you seems to be exercising your power but instead of it improving your lives it is continually throwing you both into chaos.

 

You do realise that you seem to have sought out this kind of person and that you have stayed in a situation where there is constant drama? Your reactions do not seem geared towards winding him down or putting him calmly in his place but in triggering something - a major reaction of some sort - whether it is panic, tears, or violence. I think you might benefit from some kind of therapy which would help you to see repetitive patterns in your relationships.