fireflywy Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Sorry, but the commission of an unloving act (I'm not even convinced it was that, as I suspect it was more inconsiderate than anything else) does not obviate the existence of love. I already said it as so. She can still "love" him as a human being, but the love in the context of a relationship, commitment, fidelity, trust, romantic sexual, isn't there. That's what people mean when they use the term "love" as it pertains to an adult romantic attachment. So no, its not there. Sorry you don't agree. Link to post Share on other sites
mrcoffeepls Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 It sounds like you have a difficult decision to make. I heard you share that you love your husband. I would encourage you to be honest with him. In your post, you mentioned that you were feeling bad about what happened. I am wondering if you have considered counseling? A counselor may be able to help you sort through what happened for you, as well as help you and your husband talk through all of this. I have been on the receiving end of infidelity and it is hard. And, I believe that with the right help and willingness on the part of both partners, there is the potential to rebuild what was broken. mrcoffepls Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Jen, Seems like you are always minimizing the effects and tasking up for the cheater. Is that because you are a polyamorous person and just do not think it is a mjor issue. You are an intelleigent woman giving advice to people decimated by infidelity or its effects and I think that while you have ebvery right to practice non monogamy you should at least state that in your opinions. Yes it is "naughty" for her to screw this guy in her marital bed and you seem to think it is just fine when it is to most people the uttermost form of disrespect. It seems like to you that does not matter because naughty is Ok as is her cheating if it makes her happy. Frisky, if it's any of your business what I post to other ppl, show me where in this thread I've minimized effects, taken up for cheaters, where I say it's just fine that she had sex with the OM in her bed, where I say it doesn't matter, and where I advocate anything here from a position of polyamory. I want you to literally quote me where I said any of those things. If you can't do that, please keep your imagination or intuition or whatever it is to yourself, or at least don't address it to me. I already said it as so. She can still "love" him as a human being, but the love in the context of a relationship, commitment, fidelity, trust, romantic sexual, isn't there. That's what people mean when they use the term "love" as it pertains to an adult romantic attachment. So no, its not there. Sorry you don't agree. Either I don't understand you at all or you're swinging and missing at an attempt at logic so badly that it's beyond comprehension. I guess I don't get what this bed-limited brand of love is, how it could manifest as a one-and-done violation that utterly dooms any concept of (bed?) love, and ....etc. People do the infidelity thing all the time while still loving their partners - sometimes in greater or lesser contexts, but still love. They even commit infidelity 'atrocities' a lot worse than the marital bed thing and still love. It's how many marriages recover from infidelity ultimately, specifically because there was love there all along. And things are rarely so black and white anyway. Get real. Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 (edited) Frisky, if it's any of your business what I post to other ppl, show me where in this thread I've minimized effects, taken up for cheaters, where I say it's just fine that she had sex with the OM in her bed, where I say it doesn't matter, and where I advocate anything here from a position of polyamory. I want you to literally quote me where I said any of those things. If you can't do that, please keep your imagination or intuition or whatever it is to yourself, or at least don't address it to me. Either I don't understand you at all or you're swinging and missing at an attempt at logic so badly that it's beyond comprehension. I guess I don't get what this bed-limited brand of love is, how it could manifest as a one-and-done violation that utterly dooms any concept of (bed?) love, and ....etc. People do the infidelity thing all the time while still loving their partners - sometimes in greater or lesser contexts, but still love. They even commit infidelity 'atrocities' a lot worse than the marital bed thing and still love. It's how many marriages recover from infidelity ultimately, specifically because there was love there all along. And things are rarely so black and white anyway. Get real. Yeah. I think I'm going to go with you just don't understand at all (on this one anyway because I know you to be insightful and very helpful and I mean that) and leave it that. Edited July 3, 2015 by fireflywy Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 To the OP; sorry for the harshness of my earlier posts. I hope that you find what's best for the both of you whether that be you staying together or parting. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 OK, the marital bed is bad, but hardly the real issue here. It is just the worst of a bunch of terrible actions. Cheating on a spouse is the worst thing one can do, Imo, sexually, financially, etc...but especially sexually. It just breaks the vows in such a brutal way...and for what? Sex? Thrills? Feeling "good" about yourself? Really? Who feels good after cheating on a loyal spouse or partner? But telling the spouse can be one more selfish act, unless it done in the setting of counseling, maybe, or at least with the intent to repair the marriage at any cost. But honestly...I would rather not know. I would rather my husband just say he wants a divorce (which is basically what happened in my case) without the gory details. Cleansing your conscious is despicable, just to "feel better". As much as lies hurt, truth can be equally painful. I don't even know what advice to offer as I cannot imagine myself in the situation. All I can say is try to think of your husband first, for a change, before wrecking his world. Link to post Share on other sites
I4givehim Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Hello, My name is Martina.I'm 43.Me and my husband have been married for nearly 20 years.We have a 13-year-old daughter.I'm a science teacher and my husband is a financial adviser.We are doing very well financially.He is the perfect husband,I'm not exaggerating.When we argue,he never gets hot.He's very understanding and nice.I don't even know why I'm doing this to him myself.It is really tearing up my conscience but at the same time I can't stop.I've been cheating on him for 3 months now with a much younger boy in his 20s.I guess it all stems from the fact that I'm so used to having sex with my husband that I've gotten bored a little bit.In fact if my husband has any flaws,that's the one.Sex with him is not that good any more.Not like in the beginning.In the beginning,there was this spark.It was very different.It was more special,and now it is just....boring.Maybe we have lost this spark.But sex with the younger boy is exciting.He's amazing.I do things with him that I've never done with my husband including dirty talk which happens to really appeal to me.It's not love,it is indeed just sex between me and him yet I can't stop this affair.Me and my husband only have sex in our bed at home whereas I've had sex with this boy in several of the most inappropriate places-in a bathroom,in the movie theatre(oral sex) and in a car.When I'm with him I feel wanted and desired again.It feels amazing.But when I'm not with him I feel guilty.So guilty that I want to tell my husband and maybe get divorced because I love my husband and can't bear to hurt him so bad.2 days ago I didn't go to work because the boy called me offering to have sex at my home while my husband is away.My initial response was No and I even took offense and hung up but after about 2 mins I called back and agreed.I can't believe I agreed to that.We had sex in the same bed that me and my husband sleep every night.It was thrilling but afterwards(now) I'm feeling like a piece of ****.I broke up with the boy.It is all over.Now I feel like I really need to tell my husband but at the same time I love him and I want to save our marriage.I'm at a crossroads. If you only knew how much an A hurts not only your husband but your child. They will never respect you. They will look down on you. You alone will be the reason for the destruction of the family. I watch my children with their father. They have no respect for him any more. The older children don't speak to him. Is this what you want your child to do to you. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Question of my own - how is it that based on one post, you purport to know categorically whether OP loves her husband or not? You make a good point so I'll clarify. She may very well feel love for her husband. She does not act lovingly towards him. Which of those two do you think most people would find more important? Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 You make a good point so I'll clarify. She may very well feel love for her husband. She does not act lovingly towards him. Which of those two do you think most people would find more important? Mr. Lucky It wasn't really a point, it was a question, which you didn't answer. Should I assume that's an acknowledgement that you don't know she doesn't love him? While I don't understand the significance of your question, I'll play along anyway - I don't speak for most people or anyone but myself really, but I would certainly find the genuine emotion more important than the outward one, particularly when considering 'serious business' like infidelity. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 It wasn't really a point, it was a question, which you didn't answer. Should I assume that's an acknowledgement that you don't know she doesn't love him? While I don't understand the significance of your question, I'll play along anyway - I don't speak for most people or anyone but myself really, but I would certainly find the genuine emotion more important than the outward one, particularly when considering 'serious business' like infidelity. I think you're being deliberately disingenuous. Love is an an intangible emotion, unless you have some way of measuring it we can only know it through tangible acts. I don't think it's important what "genuine emotion" a WS feels during infidelity, it's the act has impact. While I can't know the OP's emotions, I'd say the act of using their marital bed conveys anger, hostility and resentment... Mr. Lucky 5 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 I think instead of questioning Mr Lucky about the definition of love, You should be questioning hers. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kenmore Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 The question is "should I tell my husband" the answer is yes! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Hello, My name is Martina.I'm 43.Me and my husband have been married for nearly 20 years.We have a 13-year-old daughter.I'm a science teacher and my husband is a financial adviser.We are doing very well financially.He is the perfect husband,I'm not exaggerating.When we argue,he never gets hot.He's very understanding and nice.I don't even know why I'm doing this to him myself.It is really tearing up my conscience but at the same time I can't stop.I've been cheating on him for 3 months now with a much younger boy in his 20s.I guess it all stems from the fact that I'm so used to having sex with my husband that I've gotten bored a little bit.In fact if my husband has any flaws,that's the one.Sex with him is not that good any more.Not like in the beginning.In the beginning,there was this spark.It was very different.It was more special,and now it is just....boring.Maybe we have lost this spark.But sex with the younger boy is exciting.He's amazing.I do things with him that I've never done with my husband including dirty talk which happens to really appeal to me.It's not love,it is indeed just sex between me and him yet I can't stop this affair.Me and my husband only have sex in our bed at home whereas I've had sex with this boy in several of the most inappropriate places-in a bathroom,in the movie theatre(oral sex) and in a car.When I'm with him I feel wanted and desired again.It feels amazing.But when I'm not with him I feel guilty.So guilty that I want to tell my husband and maybe get divorced because I love my husband and can't bear to hurt him so bad.2 days ago I didn't go to work because the boy called me offering to have sex at my home while my husband is away.My initial response was No and I even took offense and hung up but after about 2 mins I called back and agreed.I can't believe I agreed to that.We had sex in the same bed that me and my husband sleep every night.It was thrilling but afterwards(now) I'm feeling like a piece of ****.I broke up with the boy.It is all over.Now I feel like I really need to tell my husband but at the same time I love him and I want to save our marriage.I'm at a crossroads. That says about all that needs to be said, we have a pretty good idea of who you are. What are the chances you used protection? You will have to explain why one day to the person you claim you love. You consciously chose to do these things to your family, maybe they are fun and give you a thrill, unfortunately no mater how hard you try, you can't unfu*k yourself, this will follow you the rest of your life. Reading your post it's hard to tell who you hate the most, yourself or your husband? I think your actions are the highest form of disrespect that one spouse can show another but they scream out for help. You need to get professional help, find out why you are self destructing. Tell him the truth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 I understand you all being frustrated with jen1447. Her opinions are usually forthright and can be considered abrasive at times. Her points of view tend to have a masculine bent which has made me wonder .... However, I think she's right in this case. Having affair sex in her marital bed does not necessarily define who this woman is or how she feels about her marriage/husband. She could love and even respect her husband, but be caught up in the exhilaration of the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 (edited) The one thing you should do right away is get rid of your bed. Some way, some how. You FD another boy in your marital bed. Then your husband came home that night and slept in it. Slept in yours and your lovers sweat and body fluids. You probably kissed your husband in the morning and told him you love him. That is the lowest thing a cheater could do. Respect her husband? Your delusional bro......and Jen too Edited July 3, 2015 by 66Charger 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 I don't think it's that simple. I believe it's possible for a woman to have conflicting emotions. Even act on those conflicting emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 None of it makes any sense. "Martina" only made the single appearance - the one post. She is laughing at us now. Martina is not a Science Teacher with an education. Nor a loving wife that is troubled by a sex-capade she's trying to gain insight about via our good forum. This is some backwoods troll messing with us, up to page 3! Why no response from her then? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 I think instead of questioning Mr Lucky about the definition of love, You should be questioning hers. And yet it was Mr. Lucky who first broached the topic with me. The one thing you should do right away is get rid of your bed. Some way, some how. You FD another boy in your marital bed. Then your husband came home that night and slept in it. Slept in yours and your lovers sweat and body fluids. You probably kissed your husband in the morning and told him you love him. That is the lowest thing a cheater could do. Respect her husband? Your delusional bro......and Jen too The concept of love was on the table, not respect. I agree it was blatantly disrespectful, if that's what you're asserting, but that still doesn't negate the possibility of love. To outright disregard that possibility with no other evidence to consider is delusional and just plain illogical. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 The respect issue was bought up by the previous poster. We all have our definitions of "love". Your definition of love and all that it encompasses are yours. You seem to be able to accept that one can consistently cheat on their SO and still love them AS A SO. (Not the same as love you as the father/mother/provider etc). Ok thats you and good luck with that. If my SO did all these things that the OP did and told me she loved me, I would throw up. Thats not the kind of love I want. And deep down inside, you know you wouldnt either. You can choose to battle if you wish, but the ability to justify and cheat and still think you really love and respect your SO is delusional. IN MY OPINION. Link to post Share on other sites
kenmore Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Agree with Yas. The marital bed is a dumb focus. Really? She's having sex with a young guy behind her family (of 20 years)'s back for months and the concern is some sweat in the bed or some sperm? OP, if you are coming back, you need to tell him and be prepared to get out. There's no good way to take this. Reading this thread made me wonder about my own marriage. It was said some people would prefer not to know and would prefer to just have a divorce with no reason than hearing the truth. I have wondered. That rekindled the wonder, did she have an affair then divorce with no reason (or what she really did, blame me with a lame reason?) Personally, I'd prefer to know the truth because it would give me better ammunition to hate her with. If I knew she f*cked some guy while we were married then wanted a divorce for any reason (her falling for him, her not loving me anymore, her just wanting to screw around etc), it would be so much easier than "oh, we just don't work anymore." Not to rain on anyone's parade, but the truth is always the best way to go. If you don't agree, then f*ck you! Ken Link to post Share on other sites
ManyDissapoint Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Come clean 100%. Maybe your husband has had an affair of his own and you guys can bond over that. Marriage...not even once! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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