Scared, Hopeless,Depressed MM

[HopelessMM]

I am MM who has been in an affair with a SW for 4 years. She knew i was a MM and we agreed to keep things physical and remain friends no matter what. The first few months were great but then feelings kicked in and in a moment of weakness i told her how i felt but never said, agreed to, or alluded to leaving my family. Thats when it went out of control. She said she was in love with me and i was with her. But at the point she started to go crazy and understanbly so.

 

We continued to fade away and all we have done is fight for 3 years. She wants out and so do I, but she says if she is getting out then she is taking me down with her. She thinks its her vs the W but i just cant bring myself to leave my kids nor do i want to. She is hurting and i cant see myself from ever being with her nor do i want to. She knew i was a MM, knew i had children and i NEVER said i would leave and i dont think its right for her to threaten me to control me.

 

She threatened to tell my wife expose whatever she could everytime she felt frustrated or angry. She has told me if i do something as innocent as go to a family members house for a BBQ or a childs birthday party that she would show up and expose me. Its been 4 years and i can not take anymore physically or mentally. I made the mistake of giving in to her demands but i do not know what to do now. She has told me to not take my kids anywhere if my W will be there and i cant take the pressure anymore.

 

I dont know what to do. If anyone can offer support or adivice it would be greatly appreciated

Edited July 2, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[autumnnight]

The only way to deal with this is a preemptive strike.

 

First, if you have written records of all these threats....keep them. Keep all of it.

 

Second....you need to tell your wife. I know, I know. But when you preempt crazy threatening people by telling the things they are threatening to tell before they get a chance to....it takes at least some of the wind out of their sails.

 

Then cut off all means of contact from this woman, keep any continued attempts at contact, and if there are any, take EVERYTHING you have, file a restraining order, and look into cyber harassment laws.

 

Then, focus all your energy on your wife and family.

[loveboid]

No contact.

 

To me her behavior is nutso.

 

Pressures, stress and pain of an affair are no excuse for bad behavior.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

Is your affair partner married or single? I ask because I'm not familiar with 'SW'. A married affair partner is a MW. A single one is an OW. At least that's what we use on LS.

 

I can understand your affair partner's frustration but it sounds like she's going a bit over the top on reaction. I remember those feelings well as a young OM.

 

BTW, what general ages and how long married for you?

[Popsicle]

Ever seen the movie "Fatal Attraction"? He told his wife.

 

(PS-not all OW act this way but it seems you have one)

 

Your wife probably won't leave you anyway.

[HopelessMM]

AP is single (SW= Single Woman) im 37 and she is 33. She feels that if we just end it, then it was all for nothing. I really could understand her threats to tell etc if she didnt know i was a MM to begin with, I also never told her i would get a divorce.

[carhill]

Long-term affairs can become full-on relationships, regardless of what words were or weren't spoken. Actions, here expressions of intimacy and physical sex, speak words otherwise unspoken. I've heard your refrain a lot from MW's over the decades. They don't say things precisely like 'I'm going to leave my spouse for you (or not)' or 'It's you and me forever (or not)', rather splooge around the edges with terms of endearment and actions which indicate their love and devotion. In my generation it's called 'leading someone on', a psychological tool to convince someone of something without actually stating it in the legal sense, hence 'I didn't say that' can be a valid defense.

 

So, do you want to gain further understanding of the affair process to work through it and resolve it or do you want to end it and move on without processing it? I've found, personally, that processing it finishes any business and ties up the loose ends so one can move on, completely.

 

Do you want to remain married or divorce? If the former, and your spouse isn't disclosed, tricky. I generally recommend disclosure if wishing to rebuild a healthy marriage, especially from a LTA (long term affair). Otherwise, it'll be out there, hanging, for the rest of your life. Sure, you, as a man, can put it away in a box and forget about it but four years is a long time and there are a lot of details that can come back to bite your marriage in the butt. Up to you.

 

In any event, focus on one thing and work that thing. What that thing is comprised of is up to you. As mentioned by others, NC (no contact) is one place to start. Good luck!

[HopelessMM]

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I know NC is the way to go but i am so concerned about my young children being hurt (mentally) or traumatized in any way.

[AnotherSadSong]

I think you were fair to her because you at least spoke with her. I can get angry just as well as others but children are off limits. That is going to far. I too am just getting out of a long term affair and was dumped with the words that I was just a f____ and I never meant anything.

If she is threatening more than a threat out of frustration than maybe a restraining order. I hope it works out for you.

[autumnnight]

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I know NC is the way to go but i am so concerned about my young children being hurt (mentally) or traumatized in any way.

 

Honestly, that is why I think you really HAVE to confess. People like your OW are wild cards. They are likely mentally unstable and obsessive to begin with, and then you give them a "cause" to get behind, and....watch out.

[HopelessMM]

AnotherSadSong,

 

Thank you for your advice, I would never do a restraining order because i am not in fear of anything physically but my children being mentally scarred for a lifetime. And even though she is mean and threatening i do not want her to go through anymore and i do not want to hurt her.

[violet1]

There are good and bad consequences to every choice we make. Why did you have an affair? Were you unhappily married? Or did you just want sex? You may have set the rules from day one, but she is single. She has nothing to lose.

 

 

There's really only one way to get out from under her control. That is to tell your wife and block her. I get you don't want to divorce or see your kids part time, but you made a choice to get involved with another woman while married. You need to own that and let the chips fall where they fall. Are you seeing a therapist? If not, I suggest you do. You need to work on yourself and figure out why you're continuing to make unhealthy and destructive choices.

[AnotherSadSong]

AnotherSadSong,

 

Thank you for your advice, I would never do a restraining order because i am not in fear of anything physically but my children being mentally scarred for a lifetime. And even though she is mean and threatening i do not want her to go through anymore and i do not want to hurt her.

 

You have a heart at least. You care. That should mean something to her. Maybe her threats are empty. I have only twice now ever told MM in years I would say something, but I did not mean it. Again, I hope it works out for the best.

[darkmoon]

i hope you treat your wife to the best whatever that she has ever had

 

if you end up telling her about SW, you will need to go to a lot of trouble, the childs well-being is one thing, but the well-being of your wife is another, some say counselling shows contrition, but only if she likes all that

[HopelessMM]

There are good and bad consequences to every choice we make. Why did you have an affair? Were you unhappily married? Or did you just want sex? You may have set the rules from day one, but she is single. She has nothing to lose.

 

 

There's really only one way to get out from under her control. That is to tell your wife and block her. I get you don't want to divorce or see your kids part time, but you made a choice to get involved with another woman while married. You need to own that and let the chips fall where they fall. Are you seeing a therapist? If not, I suggest you do. You need to work on yourself and figure out why you're continuing to make unhealthy and destructive choices.

 

Both I and the OW just wanted sex. We have known each other since we were teenagers but never acted on our impulses. I also think she knew all of this going in and should own that as well. i agree but its not about me, if it were about me i would let the chips fall and walk away. i made a poor choice and i know it and i own it but my children didnt but i do agree with your point

[violet1]

AnotherSadSong,

 

Thank you for your advice, I would never do a restraining order because i am not in fear of anything physically but my children being mentally scarred for a lifetime. And even though she is mean and threatening i do not want her to go through anymore and i do not want to hurt her.

Well unfortunately, you should have thought about your children's well being before you embarked on an affair. Woulda, coulda, shoulda does no good for you now. The thing is, you can't control what the OW chooses to do. If you want to protect your children, expose yourself to your wife before your OW does it front of everyone. This way your wife can help protect your children if your OW chooses to just show up uninvited.

[HopelessMM]

i hope you treat your wife to the best whatever that she has ever had

 

if you end up telling her about SW, you will need to go to a lot of trouble, the childs well-being is one thing, but the well-being of your wife is another, some say counselling shows contrition, but only if she likes all that

 

I know. Its very difficult which i am sure everyone on this thread knows one way or another. 3 years of threatening to expose me, but why hasnt she.

[stillafool]

Both I and the OW just wanted sex. We have known each other since we were teenagers but never acted on our impulses. I also think she knew all of this going in and should own that as well. i agree but its not about me, if it were about me i would let the chips fall and walk away. i made a poor choice and i know it and i own it but my children didnt but i do agree with your point

 

What other course of action do you have to protect your family if you don't confess to your wife what you've done? How are you going to handle this?

[autumnnight]

With respect and compassion, your OW aided and abetted in this affair knowingly. I appreciate you "don't want to hurt her more," but honestly, your children and wife are more important. Or they should be. If a restraining order or some other measure will best protect your family, then take care of your family FIRST. She knew she was getting involved with a married man.

[BetrayedH]

I'll be another voice to suggest you make a confession to your wife.

 

It's the only way to have a truly intimate relationship with your wife over the long term; you'll never have that if you keep this wall between you forever.

 

As well, she deserves to be able to make an informed decision about staying with you; don't trick her into staying with you.

 

And lastly, if you want to diffuse the situation such that you don't have some dramatic surprise blow-up in front of the kids, then you're going to have to tackle this with your wife in advance.

 

The good news for you here is that statistically, a confession doubles your chances of reconciling with your wife over the long term compared to a discovery. And while this confession may be under duress, at least it is because you're definitively breaking it off with your AP.

 

Doesn't sound like something you want to do? You've painted yourself into a corner here, bud. It took 4 years. There's no good options now.

[HopelessMM]

I'll be another voice to suggest you make a confession to your wife.

 

It's the only way to have a truly intimate relationship with your wife over the long term; you'll never have that if you keep this wall between you forever.

 

As well, she deserves to be able to make an informed decision about staying with you; don't trick her into staying with you.

 

And lastly, if you want to diffuse the situation such that you don't have some dramatic surprise blow-up in front of the kids, then you're going to have to tackle this with your wife in advance.

 

The good news for you here is that statistically, a confession doubles your chances of reconciling with your wife over the long term compared to a discovery. And while this confession may be under duress, at least it is because you're definitively breaking it off with your AP.

 

Doesn't sound like something you want to do? You've painted yourself into a corner here, bud. It took 4 years. There's no good options now.

 

Thanks for your advice, I am going to tell my AP that its done and their will be no more contact. Im sure she will go ballistic and threaten and everything else. I will explain to her that this has become a volatile relationship which does not benefit either one of us anymore. I will also apoligize for any hurt i may have caused her intended or unintended. I will also surrender to her and let her know that i do not wish anything bad upon her and even if she chooses to expose me in any fashion i will not attempt to hurt her in any way. I will also tell her that she may not realize it now but she will be better off without me cause i really dont want her to be alone forever.

[HopelessMM]

What other course of action do you have to protect your family if you don't confess to your wife what you've done? How are you going to handle this?

 

Thanks for your advice, I am going to tell my AP that its done and their will be no more contact. Im sure she will go ballistic and threaten and everything else. I will explain to her that this has become a volatile relationship which does not benefit either one of us anymore. I will also apoligize for any hurt i may have caused her intended or unintended. I will also surrender to her and let her know that i do not wish anything bad upon her and even if she chooses to expose me in any fashion i will not attempt to hurt her in any way. I will also tell her that she may not realize it now but she will be better off without me cause i really dont want her to be alone forever.

[carhill]

In the realm of unintended consequences, be sure, if intending to remain mute about your affair and continue on in your M, that no evidence of the affair exists.

 

As one example, part of my 'closure' process was, this long before the internet, putting all the love letters and cards over the years, about ten years in total, from the MW into a nice padded manilla envelope and sending them to her husband at his ranch.

 

Unintended consequences. Watch out for that. If no evidence of your affair exists, easier to go on like it didn't exist. Tip: women are far more inventive in such things than we men are. They're professionals. Don't underestimate them.

[HopelessMM]

In the realm of unintended consequences, be sure, if intending to remain mute about your affair and continue on in your M, that no evidence of the affair exists.

 

As one example, part of my 'closure' process was, this long before the internet, putting all the love letters and cards over the years, about ten years in total, from the MW into a nice padded manilla envelope and sending them to her husband at his ranch.

 

Unintended consequences. Watch out for that. If no evidence of your affair exists, easier to go on like it didn't exist. Tip: women are far more inventive in such things than we men are. They're professionals. Don't underestimate them.

 

i do not understimate her and their is no such thing as absolute certainty. I do not know whats in her head and truthfully she could expose me any time for the rest of my life that is a burden i will have to bear and hope that compassion does exist. i wish her no ill will and actually want her to be happy so she can replace the horrid memories of me with happiness. It may sound weak and feable and some people may suggest i threaten back for all her threats but im no better than her if thats what i do. I must attempt to take the high road.

[violet1]

Both I and the OW just wanted sex. We have known each other since we were teenagers but never acted on our impulses. I also think she knew all of this going in and should own that as well. i agree but its not about me, if it were about me i would let the chips fall and walk away. i made a poor choice and i know it and i own it but my children didnt but i do agree with your point

IMO, owning it would include telling your wife. She might not want to stay with a husband who had an LTA. You are making your wife's decisions for her and using your children as an excuse. You're right, the OW should own her actions too, but she's not married, you are. I wish you luck, but it doesn't seem like you're willing to tell your wife. It will only be a matter in time when she finds out. Chances of reconciliation are stronger if you confess.