What was she thinking??????

[Clueless53]

Not going into the full specifics of my situation, I've posted plenty of times so you can see more details if you want. I'm looking for a little insight into what my Wife might have been thinking.

 

My W and I have had problems like everyone else but they were worse then I expected.

 

We started MC back in Feb. and the focus has only been on my behavior. When I expressed my issues with my W I was told her actions were based on my own. OK, fine, I'll start working on me.

 

Over the next few months I kept making attempts to save my marriage and was shut down at every attempt. I would make a big grand gesture and was told it was too much. If I did something little it would go unrecognized and unappreciated.

 

Just over 3 weeks ago my W asked for a trial separation, I kept trying but again was rejected each time. When I would contact her she would say she needed space, when I didn't reach out I was told I was ignoring her. When I tried to talk about "us" she would shut down and not want to talk. When I told her how she made me feel she wouldn't express and care for my feelings.

 

A week ago she started talking with another guy. She said it was "nothing" and "we are just friends". She said he asked her on a date but she said it would not be appropriate because we were working on our marriage. All this and she kept texting him all day and night. When I would text her I would never get responses and was told it was because she was busy.

 

I can see all the text message data on our cell account. She knows this. I can see that when she is "busy" and can't talk to me she is talking to him. One night we were texting and having a good conversation, I felt like we were starting to reconnect. Around 930p she told me she was getting tired and might fall asleep on me. She never texted again. That night the usage on the cell showed she texted him until 1am. I called her out on it and she made some excuse about how she did fall asleep and then woke back up and started texting him again. Never got a reason why she didn't text me.

 

She has meet with him 3 times since that night. She said its not a date but a "friend" thing. She drove herself to meet him, pays for her drink, and goes home. I had a really bad day and broke down emotionally on Monday night. I told her I needed my wife, I needed my support. She came over and after an hour rushed out of the house saying she still needed to get home and clean up before going to bed. She left my house to meet him.

 

On Tuesday I had enough. I told her our marriage cannot work if she is "seeing" another guy. I told her she has chosen him over me every day this week. I told her that I know if I ask her to choose him or me she would choose him. I told her I am done and walking away. She said OK.

 

Before I left the house I picked up her phone, I wanted to see the text messages between them. She lost it. She actually jumped over the table and tackled me trying to get the phone from my hand. She had a look of panic and terror on her face. I told her that her reaction was all I needed. I handed her the phone and told her I was done. I left the house.

 

Since that moment she has stopped texting the other guy. I have the kids this weekend and originally we had discussed that we would still spend the 4th together as a family. That was while we were supposed to be working on our marriage, now we are not. She got upset today because she said that she thought we would still spend it together. I told her it was my weekend with our kids and I would like to spend it with them. I asked if she wanted to spend it with me, she said "never mind, I'll find my own plans" and hung up.

 

I need a woman's perspective, I'm just trying to get an idea as to what she was/is thinking.

 

I don't really think she was cheating on me with the other guy, but her reaction to me having the phone leaves me to wonder.

 

I don't know if she was just talking to him to get my attention.

 

In our relationship I have always let her control me. I have always given and she would take. During the "trial" separation all we would focus on was me, she would just say she didn't know what she wanted. Now I feel like she is freaking out because I took control when I walked away.

 

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[Mrin]

I am a dude so I can't give you a woman's perspective but here is my take. She was bored or unhappy with you. She met another guy. They slept together. She is ashamed of it and is terrified of you finding out.

 

You can't fix this by trying. The only thing you can do is establish very clear boundaries of what separated means. No joint family stuff. No emotional support. You need to give her a taste of divorce. Do a hard 180 and stick with it. She'll either come around or she won't. But here's the thing dude - you have to do it for you. Not as some ploy to save your marriage but rather to protect yourself and move on. If she wises up - that's great. Don't expect it though.

[Clueless53]

That may be it, I'm not sure. She's not the person I ever would have expected to cheat. She has been cheated on, her mother has been cheated on, blah blah blah.

 

I don't know if that's me just hoping she didn't or a real reason to believe she didn't.

 

I am moving on, I'm tired of the games and the lies. I'm tired of her hiding things and making me feel like crap.

 

Now that I told her that I think she is freaking out.

 

I honestly just want to know the truth. If she slept with him, OK, whatever. I've made the decision to move on already. I would just like to hear the truth.

 

I'm not even mad or upset.

[Satu]

I don't know if she was just talking to him to get my attention.

 

In our relationship I have always let her control me. I have always given and she would take. During the "trial" separation all we would focus on was me, she would just say she didn't know what she wanted. Now I feel like she is freaking out because I took control when I walked away.

 

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

 

 

I'll begin by quoting what I said in another of your threads:

 

 

I honestly don't believe the picture you paint of yourself.

 

I don't believe you've done everything wrong, and are a complete failure as a husband and father.

 

You clearly love your wife and children.

 

You're clearly willing to take responsibility for your past actions, and sincerely want to do better.

 

This isn't all about you.

 

Something has to come from her.

 

The first thing would be cutting loose from the other guy.

 

Insist that she does that.

 

You have the right to insist that she does that.

 

Stand up for yourself.

 

She'll respect you more for doing it.

 

 

If she's not willing to cut loose from the other guy, there is absolutely no future for your marriage.

 

Whether their relationship is purely emotional, or more than that, it still means 'no future,' and still means that she cheated on you.

 

She's being unfair with you and she knows it.

 

Go No Contact, except for matters relating to your co-parenting responsibilities.

 

She knows exactly what you want, so there's no point restating anything.

 

Until she contacts you, and tells you that she's cut loose from the other guy, there's no point talking about anything other than your children.

 

 

Take care.

Edited July 2, 2015 by Satu

[Clueless53]

I've cut contact, she contacted me today. That's when she told me this isn't what she wanted, she wanted her husband.

 

I didn't give her the chance to choose me or him, I chose for her and walked away.

 

I think she has stopped talking to him, I don't see text messages between the two of them on our bill. But I haven't asked and I'm not going to.

 

I just wish I knew the truth, but I've made my decision regardless.

[Satu]

I've cut contact, she contacted me today. That's when she told me this isn't what she wanted, she wanted her husband.

 

I didn't give her the chance to choose me or him, I chose for her and walked away.

 

I think she has stopped talking to him, I don't see text messages between the two of them on our bill. But I haven't asked and I'm not going to.

 

I just wish I knew the truth, but I've made my decision regardless.

 

Hold your position.

[sandylee1]

A woman's POV

 

I think she's trying to make you suffer a bit and feel some of what she's felt during the marriage.

She enjoyed it while she held the power by instigating the seperation.

 

There is obviously something she didn't want you to see on her phone. I think she wanted a separation to see what's out there. I also think her wanting to explore the other guy had a lot to do with your separation.

 

She's trying to get to know him better and if she sleeps with him , she can try and justify it by saying you were seperated and she didn't actually cheat.

 

Problem for her is you're standing your ground. She's scared she might loose you and there's no guarantee with the OM. He hasn't given her a commitment, but she enjoys the attention and the high of a new guy.

 

Reality is hitting that she could loose it all.

[LifeNomad]

do u know anything about who the other guy is? if he married etc?

 

 

by the way you described her "look of terror" its def more than just friends. possibly flirty/love talk with a dash of sexting more like it.

 

 

anyways, what you are describing sounds all too familiar in this forum. ITs sad to say but that's how the breakdown process starts.

 

 

Put on your big boy pants on and its your time to make a decision, you take charge of the situation.

 

 

Do not beg plead or cry! try to act strong, if she wants the other dude fine make her think your better off without her.

 

 

and be the best dad you can be to your kids

 

 

if it ever comes down to talks between getting back together or working on things, you need to be honest and tell her unless you know the full facts about whats going on between them you wont reconsider. Because lets face it even if you do take her back its gonna be in back of your mind and you wont trust her. Tell her you need to know who he is, where he works, his phone # and even his picture so you know who he is if you ever see her with "a friend". Of course you aint gonna do anything with this info its more of a scare tactic so they will keep away from each other (hopefully)

 

 

if she cant come clean bro you gotta get out of relationship unfortunately. I know its easier said than done but give it a few months and once the fog clears you will reflect back and see how better off you are without her.

 

 

Exercise! best thing you can do, look good smell good

 

 

DO NOT DRINK! worst thing you can do.

 

 

Just try to act like your moving on man, keep your self respect. Do not try to bargain, her "debriefing" is the only way you will be able to trust her. Once you know everything about him, she will likely tell him, and once he knows you know, he will hopefully keep away if he has something to lose (wife, gf etc)

 

 

I was in a very similar almost identical situation. 13 yrs together, we now have almost 1 yr split, she is with the other dude, and the other dude left his wife for her. they were co workers. I did the opposite tho, I cried begged pleaded basically acted pathetic.

 

Had I handled it different I may have gotten her back, but once I stopped pleading crying etc I found someone else that made me happy and for now I can say im very happy other than the fact im a part time dad now for my 3 children. When she found out I had someone else she called me once crying saying she regretted leaving but still didn't want to cut ties with the dude. and that was it, told her I was moving on.

 

 

ALso whatever music you hear affects your emotions deeply, try not to listen to heartbreak type songs.

 

 

Once song I really like was "im moving on" by rascall flats" pretty good little song, "the best is yet to come" by hinder is also an uplifter.

Edited July 2, 2015 by LifeNomad

[GoBlue]

There is a place in any separation/divorce where the one who is trying to save the relationship must take a stand. The purpose of such a stand is to let your partner know that you love them and want the relationship to work but you know they have to choose for themselves. A great book to help in this process is Love Must Be Tough: New Hop for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson. It's very practical and would be a good place to start. There is also a great organization called The National Institute of Marriage that specializes in helping marriages on their last leg. They do so through a four day intensive counseling program, and 85% of all couples who go through it are still married two years later and doing much better. There is a difference between trying to punish your wife and making it clear that you will not tolerate her being involved with another man. The two of you got to this point for a reason and I believe that both of you need to be willing to look within and deal with how you individually contributed to the current state of your marriage. Things can turn around, they can get better, but it will take honest and open communication to get it done. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Yasuandio]

As others mentioned, the look of terror says it all. It is as bad as it can be.

 

"Affair Fog" is not unlike Alzheimer's. She's having such a good time, she's "forgetting" to disappear the evidence, duh. The sudden gymnastics event over the table, with the distorted facial expression of terror were certainly not symptoms of a Grand Mal Seizure, but it probably felt like it - to her. Which is a "slight" indication that she might care. But don't count on that.

 

Give her no sign that obvious affair WILL NOT be a deal-breaker. It is done. Anything from her mouth is trickle truth to BS you - don't open your ears to any of it. And, please, don't buy into the EA bull. EA doesn't turn you into an overnight Olympian, (well, except in bed).

 

Accept the divorce, proceed. Let her feel the full consequences. You need the upper hand. If you don't believe it, plat puppy dog a week or two, and get a PI for some photos. 100% - no doubt. More than textbook. Man, don't be a sucker.

 

Yas

[aloneinaz]

It's time you get a lawyer and protect yourself and your kids. She's clearly wore the pants in that family and will continue to try and do that now. I don't see how this marriage can be saved. If my wife started hanging out and texting a new guy while doing trial separation, that would be all I needed to know.

 

 

She needs to be kicked to the curb. It's going to suck and be very painful but it's worth going through so you don't stay in a marriage where the women doesn't love nor respect you.