Down in a hole...really hurt.

[eye of the storm]

LOL It really is ok. You are not crazy. You are stressed and sad.

 

1. stop thinking of his words. They don't mean anything.

 

2. don't make any huge decisions. (moving, changing jobs, etc)

 

3. Forgive yourself and start taking positive actions.

 

 

It is sooooo easy to wallow on the floor doing the woe is me stuff. (Why didn't he love me enough, why is this so hard, what is wrong with me... and all those lovely things we do to damage ourselves after a breakup.) It really is. (And it can serve a purpose, I now know how much hair I lose on a daily basis and how often I need to sweep the bathroom.) But what does that do? It doesn't help. It doesn't make you feel better. It is not productive. It does not teach or heal you. So, why do it.

 

Get a dog, they listen, they feel bad for you, then they remind you that life goes on and their food dish doesn't fill itself and walks need to be regular.

 

Because life does go on. And it does get better.

[Artie Lang]

that's a pretty long time to invest in this type of "situation," because that's all they are- a situation. they're pretty much unsustainable in the long run as a true relationship.

 

you're not gonna get over it any time soon, especially given the length of time. these are the initial stages of ending it, i suppose. that's probably why you feel like you're losin' it.

[AnotherSadSong]

I am still confused about your previous answers. YOu said he never treated you like a queen or treated you well, so what made you involving with him for over 4 years, what satisfaction you got from his treating you bad. Supposedly you do not enjoy being treated badly?

 

I thought we had something special. It is crazy to look back that I thought that. I was dead wrong and I am hurting from my lack of intuition. There was a chemical physical attraction and we spent a lot of time talking. It sounds extremely cliché that I thought there was something special. That something special ended up being I meant nothing and was nothing but a f---. So yes I am clearly dysfunctional.

[AnotherSadSong]

that's a pretty long time to invest in this type of "situation," because that's all they are- a situation. they're pretty much unsustainable in the long run as a true relationship.

 

you're not gonna get over it any time soon, especially given the length of time. these are the initial stages of ending it, i suppose. that's probably why you feel like you're losin' it.

 

Yes! I was not worth sustaining. Big lesson learned, painful.

[Popsicle]

Hi. I have been in an affair for several years with a MM and we ended it terribly. He was so cold after so many years. He told me I was just a f___ and I never meant anything to him. I said really terrible things about his wife in emails that I did not mean out of anger. I was awful and feel guilty about it all. He was so cold. Having someone callously dump you....I cannot describe the feeling. I feel like a, well I am a terrible person for venting my frustration in emails to him and being so hateful toward his wife. I used to be a good person before this affair. I hope to heal from this experience. Everything in my life seems hopeless. I really am not asking a question but needed to vent my pain somewhere.

 

Your anger is misplaced. It should be towards him not the wife.

[wizer]

Your anger is misplaced. It should be towards him not the wife.

 

I think she's got that part figured out.

[AnotherSadSong]

I acted crazy with the break up and am beating myself up right now. I have never felt so low in my life. I sent too many emails demanding answers. I called his work phone (I had too much wine after the break up earlier in day) and then demanded closure today. I feel like such a loser. I feel like such a failure. Not only does he not give one crap, he now gets the joy of thinking I am crazy. I am doing really poorly right now. I feel sick. I usually work with a calm cool demeanor and I just do not feel right or how I am going to heal from the fact I lost it.

[eye of the storm]

1. stop worrying about what he thinks/feels. you no longer care.

 

Tell us one thing you are going to do to heal. (gym, therapy, take a class, etc) Take a minute and think, think about moving forward. What is one thing you are going to do.

 

Thinking about the future helps you put the past where it belongs, behind you.

[AnotherSadSong]

1. stop worrying about what he thinks/feels. you no longer care.

 

Tell us one thing you are going to do to heal. (gym, therapy, take a class, etc) Take a minute and think, think about moving forward. What is one thing you are going to do.

 

Thinking about the future helps you put the past where it belongs, behind you.

 

The thing is I am content with most things in my life. I workout, keep myself together, and I have nice things. The only thing missing from the picture is a healthy relationship. I want a partnership.

[eye of the storm]

Do you truly think you are content with your life? I ask because you spent 4 years with a man who never treated you great. What is missing in your life that you think that was all you deserved.

 

And when you have existed in an unhealthy relationship for over 4 years and it ended as badly as this one did, are you really confident that you could recognize a healthy partner. And last but not least, if you are not healthy, you will not be able to maintain a solid relationship.

 

It takes two. It took two to have an A. It takes two healthy people to have a happy healthy relationship.

 

It looks to me like you are looking for someone else to make you feel better. Nobody can do that. they are just band-aids. You need to heal first.

 

I am not trying to push you. I am trying to warn you of a common pitfall. I went from an unhealthy M which ended badly, straight into an A. I couldn't accept that I deserved better because I was angry and hurt.

[keenandeager]

I think you are going through such a tough time. People say things that they may not really feel, but to shock. You keep saying about him calling you a f..., I don't think he really felt that way for all those years, and was just hateful at the time...... Not that is in any way acceptable!

 

However, it is over between you. It will hurt - no matter what was said. You will grieve and it will take time to get over it. It won't happen overnight, or next week.

 

You can choose to accept the end of the affair, it doesn't matter what was said, how it was said, and gently said, your expectations of the future. It is over.

 

Think of yourself - and the good things about yourself, and the good things you have in your life. Try not to dwell on mm, and what might have been, because he is not your future.

 

Your future is out there. Be proactive in your thoughts, you cannot move forwards whilst your looking behind!

 

Don't date yet, but expand your social circle. Try joining like a meet-up group - there's lots of them out there, where you can just meet folks for dinners and interests. Join them, you may not feel liking joining in for a while, but it's nice to know they're out there, and maybe in a few weeks.....

 

Treat yourself kindly,

 

Kae

[AnotherSadSong]

Do you truly think you are content with your life? I ask because you spent 4 years with a man who never treated you great. What is missing in your life that you think that was all you deserved.

 

And when you have existed in an unhealthy relationship for over 4 years and it ended as badly as this one did, are you really confident that you could recognize a healthy partner. And last but not least, if you are not healthy, you will not be able to maintain a solid relationship.

 

It takes two. It took two to have an A. It takes two healthy people to have a happy healthy relationship.

 

It looks to me like you are looking for someone else to make you feel better. Nobody can do that. they are just band-aids. You need to heal first.

 

I am not trying to push you. I am trying to warn you of a common pitfall. I went from an unhealthy M which ended badly, straight into an A. I couldn't accept that I deserved better because I was angry and hurt.

 

 

 

We have a similar story. I believe I have been scared to date normally because I am afraid to find out what is out there. I do not want to be disappointed and fail at having love in my life.

[AnotherSadSong]

I do not think he can love anyone. There has always seemed to be something off about him and sex. He was obsessed with sex. He always wanted to tape us to have for later. He would press and press on about that and threesomes you name it. I do love wild and passionate sex, but it ends there. I am a prude to threesomes and taping. He had his phone camera on last time with it over his thing and was masturbating, telling me to look, and expressing and asking, "isn't that beautiful." He is a sex addict and I have not seen any capability of truly loving someone or caring. God only knows why I put up with this. I have been doing some reading on sex addicts and he fits the criteria spot on.

 

 

I should probably be thanking my lucky stars it is over finally. I know I can do better.

[AnotherSadSong]

I think you are going through such a tough time. People say things that they may not really feel, but to shock. You keep saying about him calling you a f..., I don't think he really felt that way for all those years, and was just hateful at the time...... Not that is in any way acceptable!

 

However, it is over between you. It will hurt - no matter what was said. You will grieve and it will take time to get over it. It won't happen overnight, or next week.

 

You can choose to accept the end of the affair, it doesn't matter what was said, how it was said, and gently said, your expectations of the future. It is over.

 

Think of yourself - and the good things about yourself, and the good things you have in your life. Try not to dwell on mm, and what might have been, because he is not your future.

 

Your future is out there. Be proactive in your thoughts, you cannot move forwards whilst your looking behind!

 

Don't date yet, but expand your social circle. Try joining like a meet-up group - there's lots of them out there, where you can just meet folks for dinners and interests. Join them, you may not feel liking joining in for a while, but it's nice to know they're out there, and maybe in a few weeks.....

 

Treat yourself kindly,

 

Kae

 

 

 

 

He said it to me while I was crying. Maybe he said it to shock and out of anger, but he meant it.

[eye of the storm]

Maybe its just me, but I have never understood someone spending their time, energy and emotions psycho-analyzing a person they are no longer in a relationship with. It doesn't matter if he is a sex addict. What does that have to do with you. It is taking the responsibility for your actions (doesn't matter if your actions were just tolerating it or more) and putting it on them.

 

You chose this guy, you put up with it. Spend time on the person that matters right now. and that is you.

[AnotherSadSong]

Maybe its just me, but I have never understood someone spending their time, energy and emotions psycho-analyzing a person they are no longer in a relationship with. It doesn't matter if he is a sex addict. What does that have to do with you. It is taking the responsibility for your actions (doesn't matter if your actions were just tolerating it or more) and putting it on them.

 

You chose this guy, you put up with it. Spend time on the person that matters right now. and that is you.

 

Yes I am done trying to piece together and figure it out. It doesn't matter anymore. I did put up with it and that is a problem. A problem that I need to work on. The good news is I no longer have any desire for him or feelings. I think him telling me the flat out truth although it hurt has sped up the moving on phase quite a bit.

[AnotherSadSong]

I am going to allow myself this one day of hurting and tomorrow I am not going to waste another minute of my life. I am going to live life at it's fullest.

[keenandeager]

There is no magic wand to "unsay" what has been said. He may or may not come back and try to back track, or sincerely apologise for what he said.

 

So what! Ignore what he said! Ignore him! It doesn't matter if he's a sex freak!

 

What really matters is you. You will get over him. You will realise he is an idiot. You will have a better future without him in your life.

 

In time, you will look back and see him for what he is, and that's not the type of person you want.

 

Onwards and upwards!!!

 

Kea

[sandylee1]

I do not think he can love anyone. There has always seemed to be something off about him and sex. He was obsessed with sex. He always wanted to tape us to have for later. He would press and press on about that and threesomes you name it. I do love wild and passionate sex, but it ends there. I am a prude to threesomes and taping. He had his phone camera on last time with it over his thing and was masturbating, telling me to look, and expressing and asking, "isn't that beautiful." He is a sex addict and I have not seen any capability of truly loving someone or caring. God only knows why I put up with this. I have been doing some reading on sex addicts and he fits the criteria spot on.

 

 

I should probably be thanking my lucky stars it is over finally. I know I can do better.

 

I agree with you. I think he is a sex addict. No one woman will ever be enough for this man you describe.

[AnotherSadSong]

There is no magic wand to "unsay" what has been said. He may or may not come back and try to back track, or sincerely apologise for what he said.

 

So what! Ignore what he said! Ignore him! It doesn't matter if he's a sex freak!

 

What really matters is you. You will get over him. You will realise he is an idiot. You will have a better future without him in your life.

 

In time, you will look back and see him for what he is, and that's not the type of person you want.

 

Onwards and upwards!!!

 

Kea

 

This made me smile and chuckle.

[Poppy47]

Hello Song

 

You are in the very first stages of confusion, anger, withdrawal. Affairs can make people truly irrational . You know, even in normal relationships, people say dreadful , hurtful things to each other in the heat of the moment. He probably didn't mean what he said to you at all.

 

You need time to settle and those feelings of hysteria will subside. Time and distance will give you more perspective.

You are right about affairs leaving you with nothing.... that's because they are not real relationships,just fantasies.

 

I have recently ended a 7 year on and off affair. I met MM shortly after my husband died. My marriage was a long and unhappy one and I had not had time to find my feet before I got tangled up with this man.

It was a time of great vulnerability for me and I did not have any support.

If I am honest, it has been easier for me to keep returning to MM than to look for the support and build the new life I need.

A recent event highlighted for me just how absent MM has always been when there has been a crisis in my life. It was a turning point for me.

The constant anxiety the A was causing me, plus the isolation from others has been preventing me from moving on with my life.

 

Keep posting here and you will receive wonderful support from warm hearted people. who have been on both sides of the fence,

 

Poppy

 

ps What is your age? You also don't mention whether you are single or in another relationship.

[AnotherSadSong]

Thank you for sharing that Poppy. I am single. I do wish your words were true that he did not mean it. He did not sound angry but annoyed I called him. He said it matter of fact with coldness. He also said I did not live in reality when he said it. Well, I do now and I am facing the fact that I have been with a man I did not really know.

 

 

I do hope to move one! It could not come sooner...I need to.

[privategal]

I would like to think he is not coming back. He hurt me and had no cares about doing it. I meant nothing to him. I will never contact him again. NC is not even a question. I do hope to recover and thank you.

 

Sigh. Im very sorry. I too was left coldly the door shut in my face overnight...from the most attached, loving, best friend, very desired, calls and texts and countless emails...to cold...like trash.

I took it horribly and unleashed venemous anger, hateful emails...then...I breathed...let go and focused on recovery and counseling. Yoga too.

I believed there were days I cried so much and so hard...my world became so dark, the grief was enough to nearly engulf me completely...I nevvver thought the EXACT pain you are in would ever subside.

It does. And its slow. And its going to get worse or roller coaster before it gets better.

The guilt, the wallowing...the regrets of what you said, the analyzing, remembering, shoulda coulda woulda...not gonna help you...dont fall into it.

Get active in charity, self love, work on forgiveness toward him and yourself...only in your heart.

Dont ever ask for it...he doesnt deserve it...you need to try for yourself.

I hated yoga, it hurt at first, it sucked...but the positive energy, and the distraction, and the healing came from it.

It involves healthy love and connecting back to you and I began to like it.

Start fresh, take time, heal, paint a room, rearrange the furniture and get new bedding and put some potted plants around...burn some sage to get out old memories.

Avoid radio, just get some new things in your life that are fresh.

It wont SEEM like these baby steps work at first...but they add up. In about 4 weeks or so...you'll start to feel that knot, those emotions...start to shift. You will be ok

So sorry it ended like that. Hugs and peace.

[Ruffian1]

He said I never meant a thing to him and was just a f____

 

 

My guess he said it because he knew it would really hurt. A twist of the knife.

 

 

And at some level he must have really felt this way in his mind at some point.

 

 

If he is sex obsessed, he does not know what "love" actually is, it is all about "scoring" some for him, and especially some strange after being with the same one for a long time.

 

 

What did you actually want? Him to D for you?

 

And that masturbating thing, ewww yuck. You are well rid of him. He has some big issues.

[AnotherSadSong]

Sigh. Im very sorry. I too was left coldly the door shut in my face overnight...from the most attached, loving, best friend, very desired, calls and texts and countless emails...to cold...like trash.

I took it horribly and unleashed venemous anger, hateful emails...then...I breathed...let go and focused on recovery and counseling. Yoga too.

I believed there were days I cried so much and so hard...my world became so dark, the grief was enough to nearly engulf me completely...I nevvver thought the EXACT pain you are in would ever subside.

It does. And its slow. And its going to get worse or roller coaster before it gets better.

The guilt, the wallowing...the regrets of what you said, the analyzing, remembering, shoulda coulda woulda...not gonna help you...dont fall into it.

Get active in charity, self love, work on forgiveness toward him and yourself...only in your heart.

Dont ever ask for it...he doesnt deserve it...you need to try for yourself.

I hated yoga, it hurt at first, it sucked...but the positive energy, and the distraction, and the healing came from it.

It involves healthy love and connecting back to you and I began to like it.

Start fresh, take time, heal, paint a room, rearrange the furniture and get new bedding and put some potted plants around...burn some sage to get out old memories.

Avoid radio, just get some new things in your life that are fresh.

It wont SEEM like these baby steps work at first...but they add up. In about 4 weeks or so...you'll start to feel that knot, those emotions...start to shift. You will be ok

So sorry it ended like that. Hugs and peace.

 

 

I hope you are feeling better. I feel so different this time. I believe his words have done the job. I cried this morning, but can no longer. I feel weird, like I do not know how to feel.