broke up with him and want him back.

[lookingfororpheus]

First off, my ex boyfriend and I were together for 15 months. He is 23 and I'm 22. The last 3 months of our relationship, he moved in with me. I have lived out of my parents home for 2 years and he moved out of his parents home for the first time when he lived with me. At his parents, he got everything done for him from cooking to cleaning. Lived in a beautiful house with a very large and supportive family. When he moved in with me, he did it not only because it was closer to university and was in love with me, but mainly wanted to prove to his family that he could be his own man.

 

Before I started dating him, he has had several fwb and serious relationships that have failed. During this time, he continuously failed university switching from degree to degree for the past 4 years. A university degree is something that his family pushes him to get as his family is made up of lawyers, doctors, journalists etc. What prevents him from succeeding is his lack of motivation to study, gaming, socialising and no goals. He doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. His family owns a successful restaurant which he loves working at. He plans to own it one day with his brother. (probably why he can't be bothered to study).

 

Our relationship is the longest that both of us have been in and the most serious we both have ever encountered. I love him so much, I would travel a long way to stay with him and his family. Our relationship was slightly long distance as we lived 2 hours away from each other. We would skype each other every night, even if we weren't talking just to see the other person was there. We shared the same interests. I put effort in seeing all his sports games and visit his family. I even worked in the restaurant just to be with him and help out.

 

We are very compatible in many ways except 1. I am more mature than he is. Not only have I lived out of home longer than he has, but i've complete 2 undergraduate degrees and going onto my 3rd. He seemed to have used my achievements to show off to his family in order to hide his lack of achievements. Our relationship fell apart when he moved in with me.

 

When he moved in with me, he started a new job which he hated, was far away from friends and family and realised he could do whatever he wanted. Being the first time for me to live with a boyfriend, I tried my very best to cater to him. i helped him find a new basketball team, tried to introduce him to my friends and encouraged him to see his friends. I even tried to encourage him to study and do things. I pretty much became his parent. We began to get too comfortable with each other. It is then he started gaming more.

 

He had always been a gamer, and i didn't mind it. He even got me into playing games. However living with him, his priorities turned to gaming and became an addiction to escape reality. He would spend his days at home playing video games and even lie to me that he was at university when really he was on his xbox. I couldn't play with him because it was a one player game and could not be paused. Conversations would consist of the game and nothing more. As the Tv was in my room, he'd play whilst I was sleeping. I had to reach out to his parents because I didn't know what to do. I simply had enough of it all. I have depression and anxiety, and so watching him be so consumed by the game and not putting effort in our relationship made me depressed and have insomnia. I would become angry and upset with him and he wouldn't know how to help me.

 

I broke up with him during the early hours of the morning where I found him gaming at 3am. I yelled at him and said some hurtful things. I had done everything I could to help him. I encouraged him, I hid the game from him, I talked to him several times about it and couldn't find a way. The only way was to break up with him. He cried and begged me, but at that point I was not wanting him anymore. I simply gave up. As he moved out, i was still very angry. I contacted his parents to tell them i broke up with him due to his gaming. His mum told me she couldn't handle the information right now as it was her mother's death anniversary. I was feeling very ****. Not only had I broken up with him, but I had also ruined a day for his family.

 

I cried and tried to call him to which he replied in a very sour manner. I tried to commit suicide and went to hospital twice. During this time, he gave me mixed signals from saying "I'll change" to "I love you but i'm not in love with you anymore". It has been a month since the break up and he is now ignoring me. He told me he 100% doesn't want me in his life anymore.

 

I want him back, not because I'm lonely, but because I genuinely care and love who he is. It was just the issue of him moving in and that he had issues. I don't want anybody else but him. I have been devastated since the breakup and regret breaking up with him. I should of accepted him and just asked him to move out, but he believed moving out meant we were breaking up. I really want him back, not to move in, but us to continue our relationship whilst he learns. What can I do to get him back? Is there any chance?

[TheSpecial]

I've was in a similar situation with my ex-bf. He, too, had no goals in life, would avoid taking on responsibilities due to his indecision, simply wanted to follow his parents' line of work because it was the "easiest" choice, and focused his life on his video games.

 

I cannot tell you how many nights I went to bed feeling like I came second to his virtual life and his bro time, or whatever, because he seemed more connected to these fake lives than he did with me. I also tried everything from talking about it, asking his friends and parents' advice, hiding them, trying to get him into new passions... nothing worked. After 2 or more years of trying, I took on the "if you can't beat them, join them" mentality, and I tried to take on his passions as my own. It was fun for a time, and he felt really validated by my change in mentality. IT WAS MY WORST MISTAKE.

 

Eventually i kinda became the same as him and wasn't interested in much else. A year of that and he began to resent me. claiming I had no life, no friends, yada yada. He was still mad at me for "trying to determine his bedtime" because he would stay up til 5 in the morning playing the games...Then he left me. That's what you get for trying to help right?

 

In all honesty, as much as you miss him now, you made the right decision.

 

I WISH I HAD DONE WHAT YOU DID.

 

You probably won't see that for a long time, because you love and miss him. But he needs to learn for himself how to prioritize and that he did you wrong by not seeing how much his inattentiveness hurt you, his family, and his future.

 

Give him time to think about what has happened. His and your perspective on the matter will change as the emotions die down. You need to see the situation with logic. If he never realizes what he did wrong and how WHO YOU'RE WITH is more important that WHAT YOU'RE DOING, then let him have his fun video games while you find a meaningful relationship. You're worth much more than fighting for his attention with an inanimate object.

 

I'm a year out from my relationship and I no longer feel guilty for feeling how you did. Before I felt like a terrible, unaccepting girlfriend, while in fact, all I wanted was for him to be the best person he could be as he matured. I have finally made peace with myself. I think the same will be true for you. I hope he realizes the kind of girl your ex is missing out on, because you're heart is in the right place.

 

BEST WISHES

[TheSpecial]

and btw that wasn't me and my ex's only problem. that was just the tip of the iceberg, so i can't totally speak for your situation. But either way, I our relationships were kind of on the same path. Stay strong in your decision and let him learn his lessons on his own.

[dyna85]

I should of accepted him and just asked him to move out, but he believed moving out meant we were breaking up. I really want him back, not to move in, but us to continue our relationship whilst he learns. What can I do to get him back? Is there any chance?

 

You did the right thing. You were fed up with his escapism of reality and it sounds like you tried every avenue to help prevent the breakup, but you had to go there, because he left you without an option when he persisted with his obsession. Of course you miss him and are now having regrets because you're just remembering the good times. The reality is, he needs to grow up and become responsible and free himself from his addictions. You tried to help him grow, and ultimately, you will have played a role in his growth, if he does recognize his issues and improve himself. You don't need someone like him back in your life at this juncture. He doesn't deserve you in his current state, which is why you are apart at the moment. He needs to learn on his own. This was meant to play out as it has, for a reason. You did what was best for the both of you, even if it hurts. Sometimes the best thing is the hardest thing. Just know that whatever happens, happens for a reason. Hell, I wish I were still 22. You have your whole life ahead of you. One day you will look back and be so thankful you ended it with him. There is a chance you could reconnect in the distant future, if he does grow and evolve to become free from his addictions and more responsible for himself, but for now, focus on your goals and aspirations aside from him. Take pride in the fact that you have a backbone and you used it wisely in this instance. Of course, then your sympathetic side came out and you regretted your choice because you care. That is another great quality that will serve you well in this life. Just try not to be so hard on yourself and take care of yourself as you heal.

[introverted_1]

It is natural to want to get back together- the pain in the early days of parting is so acute, we'd do nearly anything to make it stop!

 

However, upon reading your post, I encourage you to keep your distance and weather this break-up through. Your ex sounds like a shiftless video game addict, and you don't want to end up with someone like that, truly. You can and WILL do better.

 

You are both very young and not really ready to settle down. Trust me, people do so much maturing between the ages of 18-26...I don't think anyone should marry or settle down until they are 28!

 

Keep your chin up...things will get better.