Why do OW attack the W

[I4givehim]

When the MM breaks off the A why do the OW attack the W. She did nothing to you. My STBXH OW keeps harassing me. My STBXH says it's because he won't answer her text messages, emails, phone calls ect... So if she comes after me maybe, just maybe he will get mad enough and call her and tell her to stop. I said she should know you are a coward and there is no way you will confront her. So here I am still be bothered by her.

[gwaimui]

I guess it really depends on the person,

 

but often...MMs feed OWs lies upon lies to support his convenience. If the OW even knows he is a MM, He will vilify the BS and blame her for everything. "My wife doesn't treat me right, we never have sex, I want to leave, but she won't sign the papers, threatens to take the kids away from me, abuses me, doesn't love me, so on and so forth" He turns the BS into the enemy so that the OW sees the MM as a victim of circumstance instead of the lying cowardice snake he is.

 

At the same time, he is feeding lies to the BS as well. "I am working out of town, my buddy really needs me, I have taken up a new hobby, etc" then if she gets suspicious, the blame will be shifted to the OW "She became obsessed with me, we were just friends and she caught me in a weak moment, blah blah blah" to vilify the OW and shift the focus from him being a dishonest jerk who broke his vows to being a victim of circumstance.

 

I am not sure why the OW would attack the BS, the BS didn't do anything, and I am not sure why the BS would attack the OW...sure its not cool if OW knew the MM was actually married, but OW didn't make vows to the BS, MM did....but after being fed lines from the MM, I guess it is easier to blame and attack the other party and "fighting for the love of MM" than get mad at the one who's behind this...the MM.

[nikki76]

Exactly what the above poster said.

I used to think "how could his wife treat him so poor, how dare she never want to have sex with him, how could she not want to sleep in the same bed"

 

Then there was a point where I hated her so much because I felt she won. She won and got to keep this stud of a man all for herself and I hated her for that.

 

Now that I'm completely removed from him and the situation/fog, I see how twisted these thoughts were.

Im sure she has pretty good reasons for her poor behaviors towards him. I highly doubt she acts this way for the hell of it. Amd of course, I'm sure she's not as horrible as he makes her out to be.

 

Now that I realize this, my anger towards her is gone. I just feel sorry for her.

Edited July 3, 2015 by nikki76

[sandylee1]

When the MM breaks off the A why do the OW attack the W. She did nothing to you. My STBXH OW keeps harassing me. My STBXH says it's because he won't answer her text messages, emails, phone calls ect... So if she comes after me maybe, just maybe he will get mad enough and call her and tell her to stop. I said she should know you are a coward and there is no way you will confront her. So here I am still be bothered by her.

 

I suggest you keep ignoring her as your stbxh is doing. Nothing worse than being ignored as it makes you feel invisible , like you mean nothing and she should mean nothing to you. You meant nothing to her while she was with your H for a year.

 

She doesn't want you to forget her existence, should you ever think of getting back with your H. He fed her a pack of lies and she was foolish enough to believe them.

 

It's still good to keep forwarding everything she sends to your Ex, so he also has that constant reminder of what happens when you bring a third party into your marriage. The OW is finding it difficult she meant more than f*** buddy for him and can't comprehend why he won't come to her, now that you're getting divorced.

 

People find it hard to believe they were used, because what they were being told, felt very real at the time. The OW feels that you and H have moved on, but she's still hurting and hasn't got over it. She feels it's not fair that she's been left behind like this.

 

This is because she and others like her only think of themselves. She takes no responsibility in her wrong doing and sees herself as an innocent victim. Who knows what crap your H told her.

 

I remember a male friend once telling me stuff about his Ex GF and I just said to him, but that doesn't sound right and I questioned him on his own behaviour and told him that I agreed with how his GF felt. If I didn't challenge I would have thought the Ex was terrible , when the reality is that he wasn't stepping up and doing what he should.

 

I suggest you contact a lawyer and have a letter sent to her, to cease contacting you or xxxxxx action will be taken.

 

Asides from this, block ,block and ignore. Hopefully she'll get some therapy to sort herself out and recognise the dangers of falling in love with a married man . I think she was so deep in love and wanting your H to leave you, hence he dumped her. If she'd keep quiet it would have still been going on. She didn't want to be an OW for life.

[Arieswoman]

I4givehim,

You need to see a solicitor/lawyer and instruct him/her to send a "cease & desist" letter to OW and copy it to your STBexH.

 

I would also contact the police with evidence of her harassment ( because that is what it is) so even if they decide not to act, it has still gone on file as a complaint.

 

Do not respond to her and keep copies of all the msgs.

 

This is really your husband's problem not yours, but sadly it's ended up in your lap.

[Friskyone4u]

They attack you because they are still in this idiotic fantasy and consider your husband as "their MM". I always laugh when I read that . They are screwing someone else's husband , destroying a family , but he is "my MM". Anyone who went to fourth grade knows that when you become a mistress to a married man the odds are not in your favor of a happy outcome . But they think they will be different and blame your husband for seducing them instead of themselves for climbing into bed naked with him.

So they regard you as the reason the fantasy did not become a storybook ending.

If this woman is harassing you see an attorney and give her some real legal trouble to sort her idiot mind through

[AnotherSadSong]

Hi. I cannot speak for OW who directly attack a wife. I can speak for myself and why I have said horrible things in anger. It was projection. Projection from how terribly empty and awful I felt inside about myself and I projected anger and words that were 100 percent about me and had nothing to do with her.

 

 

I felt horrible inside for this and was the only apology I sent because it was immature and a poor way to cope.

[goodyblue]

I have read some instances where OW won't leave BS alone. I think it is because they are angry and in pain. It may not seem like it but lots of the time when the affair ends the OW is demolished emotionally and that is a terrible place to be. Watching the MM walk off into the sunset with his life in tact is upsetting. So... some OW get angry. They lash out.

 

I made it my goal to NEVER engage the BS. It has been years and I still avoid her like the plague. I don't shop where she shops. I don't frequent restaurants she visits. We have torn her life apart and she has had to start over (which is not a bad thing, my guy was unhappy and did not want to stay married. She needs to find a compatible partner) which is tough.

 

Our situation is the opposite, she tried to confront me several times, but I kind of deserved it, didn't I? Her ex left her. We just bought a new home and she is living with her parents.

 

I don't think there should be any engaging. I think the MM should have to deal with the fallout on both sides because he caused it, didn't he?

[minimariah]

When the MM breaks off the A why do the OW attack the W.

 

misdirected anger - OWs attacking the BS & BSs attacking the OW are basically the two sides of the same coin.

 

when the OW contacts the BS - you know the A is over.

they do it as some form of revenge, fueled by the hateful words from their MM about the spouse. many MM welcome and encourage two women competing and fighting over them.

 

it's like this -- the OW loves the MM. the MM keeps complaining about evil BS which enrages the OW and she starts to demonize the wife. as the A progresses, the OW sees the wife as the only obstacle to her and MM's happiness, unable to recognize the fact that the MM had a HAPPY life with said wife at some point. to the OW, the W is a demon who ruined the MM's life. that's where the rage and hate come from.

 

So here I am still be bothered by her.

 

report her to the authorities + block her wherever you can. once you report her, she will probably see that she took it too far & stop.

[autumnnight]

For an OW who didn't know the MM was married, I imagine it is all the pain of their own betrayal that is coming out.

 

For those who knowingly helped a man cheat...I guess they are upset that they don't get to keep what they stole? I'm sure that hurts regardless.

[RoseVille]

I think the question needs to be posed as why do SOME OW attack the W.

 

Just looking at these forums you can see that it's more often the W attacking the OW than the other way around.

 

As for why some do? Because they believed what the MM told her about the W, whether true or not, they believed.

[DKT3]

All is fair in love and war.

 

I think that many of these women get locked into this me vs her way of looking at it. "How could he want her over me". Most often the MM sets the stage for these battles by engaging the OW with horrible stories of the wife. In truth he loaded the gun. However the OW was already a gun, not all OW are guns so you cant load them.

 

This is also something that the wife will engage in, however not at the level as the OW because she isnt being feed the woe is my life stories. She doesnt normally know she is fighting for her marriage, she doesnt know there is a war going on. With that said OW tend to be more subtle with thier attacks here on this forum I believe for fear of backfire.

[RoseVille]

All is fair in love and war.

 

Of course you'd say that.

 

Most often the MM sets the stage for these battles by engaging the OW with horrible stories of the wife. In truth he loaded the gun.

 

But at least you're honest about this.

[goodyblue]

All is fair in love and war.

 

I think that many of these women get locked into this me vs her way of looking at it. "How could he want her over me". Most often the MM sets the stage for these battles by engaging the OW with horrible stories of the wife. In truth he loaded the gun. However the OW was already a gun, not all OW are guns so you cant load them.

 

This is also something that the wife will engage in, however not at the level as the OW because she isnt being feed the woe is my life stories. She doesnt normally know she is fighting for her marriage, she doesnt know there is a war going on. With that said OW tend to be more subtle with thier attacks here on this forum I believe for fear of backfire.

 

I am curious what you mean by this? I think OW are pretty damned honest here, even at the risk of being eaten alive by BS's, which happens often and sometimes you are the culprit. I find it reprehensible that you have the guts to point fingers at anyone.

Edited July 3, 2015 by goodyblue

[goodyblue]

For an OW who didn't know the MM was married, I imagine it is all the pain of their own betrayal that is coming out.

 

For those who knowingly helped a man cheat...I guess they are upset that they don't get to keep what they stole? I'm sure that hurts regardless.

 

Autumn... I expected better than this. You can't steal a person. MM goes willingly and most times is the instigator.

[sandylee1]

All is fair in love and war.

 

.

 

I'd agree with this is two women were after a single man.

 

Quite frankly, I don't see that the OW should think it's okay to harass the BW after having an affair with her H.

 

In the case of the OP, you're no longer with your H , if he wanted this woman he'd go there , but clearly he doesn't. I think that's what gets this OW, that the OP doesn't want her H and even though he's free, he doesn't want the OW.

 

She feels totally rejected humiliated and worthless , because despite all the horrible things he told her about you , now that his wife knows and is divorcing him and he can get away from the 'mean' 'unloving wife' who ' treats him like s***' and is 'always critisicing him'...................even after all that, the OPs H doesn't want to pursue a relationship with OW.

 

She's feeling used, hurt and it clearly hasn't registered with her that he was lying or she'd be ashamed for her part in this and leave the BW alone .

 

ETA

 

It's like someone who's been kidnapped , that sees the door open and doesn't run for their life. ..........that's what the OW perceives......why isn't he coming to me

Edited July 3, 2015 by sandylee1
ETA

[DKT3]

Of course you'd say that.

 

 

 

But at least you're honest about this.

 

It was a joke.

 

Goody, what do you mean by the guts to point fingers? Im not pointing fingers. Im stating a fact. The attacks on BW'S here are rarely overt. They are subtle, most often based solely on the word of MM. Where as the BW's are more in your face, also normally based solely on the word of WH.

 

The comment was made because it was implied that the BW's attack more often.

[Popsicle]

I would never attack xMM's wife.

[MissBee]

When the MM breaks off the A why do the OW attack the W. She did nothing to you. My STBXH OW keeps harassing me. My STBXH says it's because he won't answer her text messages, emails, phone calls ect... So if she comes after me maybe, just maybe he will get mad enough and call her and tell her to stop. I said she should know you are a coward and there is no way you will confront her. So here I am still be bothered by her.

 

In your case you have the explanation: she is attacking you to get HIM to react. It seems less about you, but her trying to get a reaction and attention from your H and unfortunately you're the collateral damage. I can imagine how irritating it must be for you.

[goodyblue]

It was a joke.

 

Goody, what do you mean by the guts to point fingers? Im not pointing fingers. Im stating a fact. The attacks on BW'S here are rarely overt. They are subtle, most often based solely on the word of MM. Where as the BW's are more in your face, also normally based solely on the word of WH.

 

The comment was made because it was implied that the BW's attack more often.

 

I misunderstood your post. I thought you were talking about BS and OW attacking each other on this forum, not their own situation. However, a lot of times there is proof for OW to see at least some of what MM says. We hear phone calls, see emails, listen to voice mails and often have witnesses as to what the BS is like, but it doesn't really matter I guess, if MM stays it doesn't matter how awful BS or OW are.

[whichwayisup]

Autumn... I expected better than this. You can't steal a person. MM goes willingly and most times is the instigator.

 

MM goes willingly from both women. His wife didn't drive him away and the OW didn't drive him back him. MM (and MW) are grown ups and make their own decisions as to who and what they want.

[autumnnight]

Autumn... I expected better than this. You can't steal a person. MM goes willingly and most times is the instigator.

 

I agree that 99% of the time the MM is probably the initiator. I have only heard of one case in my whole life where the OW overtly and calculatingly went after the MM (though I bet a lot of MM have convinced their BW's this was the case).

 

It is just that even if the MM makes the first move, unless the OW is lied to about his marital status, they still KNOW he is married. That just bothers me. Of course, in my limited case, I do not think the other woman even knew he was seeing me. At least not at first. And as far as I know she is a very very sweet person, which makes it impossible to be mad at anyone EXCEPT him.

 

I think that most of the time when a BW fixates on an OW negatively (unless it is a stalker OW), there is maybe a need NOT to put all the blame on the husband because if she did she might kill him slowly in his sleep? lol And for the OW, I think there may be a bit of the same. When the MM stays in his marriage, it really is HIM that has hurt the OW, not the BW...but maybe it is easier to hate the BW than the man she let herself love?

 

I don't know. I just know this is one of many many reasons that affairs just hurt pretty much everybody in the end

[goodyblue]

MM goes willingly from both women. His wife didn't drive him away and the OW didn't drive him back him. MM (and MW) are grown ups and make their own decisions as to who and what they want.

 

Completely agree.

[Bootsie]

It's weird really, as to why a "knowing" OW would "attack" the BW.

 

You can at least see why a blindsided BW would "attack" the OW after d-day but I've never understood when it's the other way around.

 

I get the impression that it doesn't happen every time, either way though.

[GypsumSatellite]

There's a chance your STBXH gets a rise out of her still trying to contact him via bothering you. Shows she's still emotionally involved. All the times you hear about an EMR going underground and how well it gets concealed even during a supposed reconciliation... can you see where I'm going? If there's even a shred of a chance he's still maintaining contact or visits with his OW, that's what can help fuel whatever she's doing to you.

 

Stop her ability to contact you at all costs. Also, don't update your STBXH about what his exOW is doing to you, as you never know how much the coward in him enjoys the drama. Hopefully those two actions will bring some peace in your chaotic world for a time. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.