Why do OW attack the W

[still_an_Angel]

Probably due to revenge or jealousy. Both are powerful emotions to "attack" a BS, specially for the OW who was thrown under the bus and left out in the cold.

[whichwayisup]

There's a chance your STBXH gets a rise out of her still trying to contact him via bothering you. Shows she's still emotionally involved. All the times you hear about an EMR going underground and how well it gets concealed even during a supposed reconciliation... can you see where I'm going? If there's even a shred of a chance he's still maintaining contact or visits with his OW, that's what can help fuel whatever she's doing to you.

 

Stop her ability to contact you at all costs. Also, don't update your STBXH about what his exOW is doing to you, as you never know how much the coward in him enjoys the drama. Hopefully those two actions will bring some peace in your chaotic world for a time. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

 

That actually is an excellent point. The addictiveness and drama that an affair creates, now any reaction good or bad feeds the ego.

 

I agree 100%, block and ignore the exOW. Fact that he hasn't told her to F-off and leave him alone and tell her if she reaches out to him or to you again that you two will file an RO against her, is telling. Why is he so afraid to tell her off and put her in her place?

[Arieswoman]

After DD my cheating husband said

 

"X (OW) says that if you tell her mother or her fiance, she'll kill you".

 

A few days later I was upstairs in the marital home and heard a noise in the passage beside our house. When I looked out of the window I saw OW with a stick running up and down the passage dragging the stick along the fence and shouting;-

 

"I'm here, come and get me if you want !"

 

I called the police but by the time they arrived they'd gone. However, they logged the incident and told me to report any more.

 

I also told my divorce solicitor who didn't want to act unless she repeated this behaviour.

 

It was at this point I realised I was dealing with a very unstable individual. My husband told me he wasn't seeing her at the time, but I don't know if that was true or not.

[Sassy Girl]

I would never attack xMM's wife.

 

Same. And MM made it clear that he would not tolerate anyone speaking ill of her either. Not that I ever would. Ive never met her and she hasn't done anything to me. Let's face it, any animosity towards her would be misplaced and would only reflect poorly on myself.

[sandylee1]

After DD my cheating husband said

 

"X (OW) says that if you tell her mother or her fiance, she'll kill you".

 

A few days later I was upstairs in the marital home and heard a noise in the passage beside our house. When I looked out of the window I saw OW with a stick running up and down the passage dragging the stick along the fence and shouting;-

 

"I'm here, come and get me if you want !"

 

I called the police but by the time they arrived they'd gone. However, they logged the incident and told me to report any more.

 

I also told my divorce solicitor who didn't want to act unless she repeated this behaviour.

 

It was at this point I realised I was dealing with a very unstable individual. My husband told me he wasn't seeing her at the time, but I don't know if that was true or not.

 

How awful that must have been for you, her coming to your house like a lunatic. She did wrong, but decided to threaten you via your husband.

 

Funny she never thought about her mother or fiancé while she was sleeping with your husband.

[Grumpybutfun]

Volunteer or find a hobby?

G

[I4givehim]

That actually is an excellent point. The addictiveness and drama that an affair creates, now any reaction good or bad feeds the ego.

 

I agree 100%, block and ignore the exOW. Fact that he hasn't told her to F-off and leave him alone and tell her if she reaches out to him or to you again that you two will file an RO against her, is telling. Why is he so afraid to tell her off and put her in her place?

 

He feels NC at all is the best way. He says he has not spoken to her since D-day. He says he hates her. That she brainwashed him. He wanted out but she kept bothering him. Blahaha. .. I'm sorry but I laugh at that every time I think of it. My husband never does anything he doesn't want to do. Believe me I know a load of sh** when I hear it coming out of his mouth. I told him anything he tells me does NOT make me want to stop with the divorce. If anything I want it more.

[sandylee1]

He feels NC at all is the best way. He says he has not spoken to her since D-day. He says he hates her. That she brainwashed him. He wanted out but she kept bothering him. Blahaha. .. I'm sorry but I laugh at that every time I think of it. My husband never does anything he doesn't want to do. Believe me I know a load of sh** when I hear it coming out of his mouth. I told him anything he tells me does NOT make me want to stop with the divorce. If anything I want it more.

 

'Brainwashed ', I'm not suprised you laugh at this, what pure and utter bull.

 

Who wants a H that can be so easily brainwashed.

[Friskyone4u]

He was not brainwashed.

 

The only brain doing any thinking was the one below his belt. That was what was "brainwashed"

[I4givehim]

Some of the things he says to me, trying to explain the reason for the A, are an insult to my intelligence.

[goodyblue]

Some of the things he says to me, trying to explain the reason for the A, are an insult to my intelligence.

 

You can't explain affair. He had one, he needs to admit his participation and move forward. The sad part about this whole thing is if he is demonizing the OW you can bet your boots he demonized you to her, making you the bad guy. Count on it.

 

He is taking no responsibility for his actions and that is a major red flag. He must own it in order to move on and learn from his mistake.

 

I don't know how you can forgive him when he won't even take responsibility.

[MissBee]

You can't explain affair. He had one, he needs to admit his participation and move forward. The sad part about this whole thing is if he is demonizing the OW you can bet your boots he demonized you to her, making you the bad guy. Count on it.

 

He is taking no responsibility for his actions and that is a major red flag. He must own it in order to move on and learn from his mistake.

I don't know how you can forgive him when he won't even take responsibility.

 

She's not. She's divorcing him.

[Southern Sun]

I could never imagine attacking xMM's wife, nor speaking ill of her. xMM did that all by himself, quite proficiently. When he went off on his tirades, I just listened. In fact, there were times I tried to gently say, "Are you sure those things are true? Could your perception have just soured over time? Perhaps she's just upset because she knows you ARE LYING TO HER?"

 

I hate that I participated in the betrayal. But I know he's been treating her terribly for years, and he would do so with or without me.

[sandylee1]

You can't explain affair. He had one, he needs to admit his participation and move forward. The sad part about this whole thing is if he is demonizing the OW you can bet your boots he demonized you to her, making you the bad guy. Count on it.

 

He is taking no responsibility for his actions and that is a major red flag. He must own it in order to move on and learn from his mistake.

 

I don't know how you can forgive him when he won't even take responsibility.

 

Although the OP is divorcing, so possibly not so overly relevant , I think cheaters do need to explain the affair. If they can't explain and understand why they did it, how could a BS hoping to reconcile trust it won't happen again.

 

In this case I recall he said the OP was working and he was lonely or needing attention. This being the man who had mismanaged his money and I4givehim was working to support the family and plan for their retirement.

[I4givehim]

You can't explain affair. He had one, he needs to admit his participation and move forward. The sad part about this whole thing is if he is demonizing the OW you can bet your boots he demonized you to her, making you the bad guy. Count on it.

 

He is taking no responsibility for his actions and that is a major red flag. He must own it in order to move on and learn from his mistake.

 

I don't know how you can forgive him when he won't even take responsibility.

 

Oh I'm moving on. I'm divorcing his loser a**

I know the bad he said about me to the OW. I know what he did and said to me just so he can go and be with the OW. I didn't know anyone can be so mean to another human being. This has been a real eye opener to the real person my H is. I will never trust him. I use the name I4givehim because I have to forgive so I can move on in life. I also need to get rid of this anger. It is just eating me up inside. The only person I am hurting is myself. This has not been easy on me. The man I thought I was going to grow old with is gone and I have to start all over. It is very scary.

[I4givehim]

Although the OP is divorcing, so possibly not so overly relevant , I think cheaters do need to explain the affair. If they can't explain and understand why they did it, how could a BS hoping to reconcile trust it won't happen again.

 

In this case I recall he said the OP was working and he was lonely or needing attention. This being the man who had mismanaged his money and I4givehim was working to support the family and plan for their retirement.

Yes, sandylee1. You remember my story. When I ask questions he tells me to forget about it. Who can forget a 1 yr A. He doesn't answer any questions. I make sure I bring up the A at least once a day because I want him out of the house but he won't leave. Every time I look at him causes more anger. Thinking he got over on me for a whole year

[I4givehim]

Does anyone have any suggestions to stop this anger. I'm only hurting myself.

[SoleMate]

Getting him out of the house may be a necessary step to reducing your anger, as is presence is a non-stop trigger. What's the exit plan? Get you lawyer's help if needed.

[No Limit]

They're jealous of the life/partner you're having. It's annoying but yes, getting distance to your H is a good start to get distance from OW as well.

[preraph]

When the MM breaks off the A why do the OW attack the W. She did nothing to you. My STBXH OW keeps harassing me. My STBXH says it's because he won't answer her text messages, emails, phone calls ect... So if she comes after me maybe, just maybe he will get mad enough and call her and tell her to stop. I said she should know you are a coward and there is no way you will confront her. So here I am still be bothered by her.

 

She's trying to avoid the reality that this is his doing, not yours. She's still making excuses for him. Glad your blinders are off. Onward and upward!

[Southern Sun]

Does anyone have any suggestions to stop this anger. I'm only hurting myself.

 

You said in another post that you feel like he pulled one over on you for a year. It's that feeling that makes you so angry, and his smug behavior, his refusal to give you the respect you deserve by at least being forthright and answering your questions, that is making you rightfully angry. You continue to bring it up because he won't give you any closure. It is cruel and outrageous.

 

I don't know where you are in the process, but have you filed yet? I would do whatever I could to not be in the same house. You deserve that dignity.

[Gloria25]

Cuz the OW was a mean spirited, selfish byach from day one?

 

Look, some people simply aren't nice...

 

I watched ID a few months ago about this parolee who was on a mission to seduce her parole officer. For a year she kept on working on him and he broke down....

 

He started getting mixed up in the hot sex and from pressure from her, made marriage plans. One day, his wife found out, him and the wife had a good sit-down and he realized he f-d up and both of them wanted to work on the marriage.

 

The OW was furious...

 

Now, I could see where she would be hurt cuz he started making plans with her and broke them - but he wasn't deceiving her, playing games with her, and his wife didn't do a thing to her. I mean, it was "her" who worked on him for a whole freakin' year till he broke down. So, the OW was to blame for this. But come on, she was a parolee, full of drama and problems - last person with a conscious here.

 

So, she'd call all the time and even showed up at the guy's house in the wedding dress to show the wife and the wife just closed the door in her face.

 

Ultimately, dude reported her (even though it put his job at risk) and they put her in jail...and I say good job. Who was this OW to pressure the guy into this RL then get pissed when he woke up and realized he f'd up?

 

I'm a rare breed. I've been the OW a few times (three - that I know of) and NEVER, EVER contacted the W. Why? Again, I'm just "borrowing" him and whether or not I the W is someone I like/dislike - doesn't matter. Even my last FWB...IMO, his wife was an abusive byach and I'd roll my eyes evertime he'd act like she was a poooor victim that he had to nurse to health. I was really upset/hurt when he finally divorced her that he didn't want to be with me and decided he wanted to enjoy his new found "freedom". I blocked his tel, emails, social media.

 

Quite frankly, each time I was a OW and if I ever be one again, I don't want any woman coming and knocking on my door about her man. I don't even want him to leave her for me. Sex and the City had a show like this one time. Samantha got a call both from the guy and his wife. The guy wanted to leave his wife for Samantha and the wife said she was willing to do anything so Samantha could give him back to her - even a threesome. And like me Samantha was like 'no, go home to your wife - leave me alone'.

 

I'm not into breaking up homes. Quite frankly, I believe I would save a lot of marriages cuz whatever she's not doing for him, he gets from me and comes back to the marriage with his batteries recharged. But, two instances where I was a OW, the marriage was on the skids already, they had no kids and I guess I was the "exit affair". My 6 yr guy, they weren't married, but had a kid and were shacking up. But, I think they had sort of an unspoken "open" RL.

 

So, IMO, many OW with no/low character and/or like drama and/or are mean spirited...doesn't have to do a thing with whether or not they felt they got deceived and/or played.

 

Also, some OW wanna prove that their vagina is hotter than every other and they don't care if they break up a home to prove their delusions. A gf of a soon-to-become ex-gf of mine was with a creep who cheated on his wife and her, she pushed for him to leave the wife and he still cheated/cheats - and all she's about is proving she's better than all of them :rolleyes:Gimmie a break. The guy is a dog, he'll never be satisfied with any woman and she's a OW who wasted her time over her silly delusions. But, if you really get to know her, she's not a nice person. She's a liar, cheater, and flashy person in other areas of her life - so, like I said, lots of OW out there who simply have low character and enjoy drama and f-ing around with families, the W and/or whatever.

[purplesorrow]

Cuz the OW was a mean spirited, selfish byach from day one?

 

Look, some people simply aren't nice...

 

I watched ID a few months ago about this parolee who was on a mission to seduce her parole officer. For a year she kept on working on him and he broke down....

 

He started getting mixed up in the hot sex and from pressure from her, made marriage plans. One day, his wife found out, him and the wife had a good sit-down and he realized he f-d up and both of them wanted to work on the marriage.

 

The OW was furious...

 

Now, I could see where she would be hurt cuz he started making plans with her and broke them - but he wasn't deceiving her, playing games with her, and his wife didn't do a thing to her. I mean, it was "her" who worked on him for a whole freakin' year till he broke down. So, the OW was to blame for this. But come on, she was a parolee, full of drama and problems - last person with a conscious here.

 

So, she'd call all the time and even showed up at the guy's house in the wedding dress to show the wife and the wife just closed the door in her face.

 

Ultimately, dude reported her (even though it put his job at risk) and they put her in jail...and I say good job. Who was this OW to pressure the guy into this RL then get pissed when he woke up and realized he f'd up?

 

I'm a rare breed. I've been the OW a few times (three - that I know of) and NEVER, EVER contacted the W. Why? Again, I'm just "borrowing" him and whether or not I the W is someone I like/dislike - doesn't matter. Even my last FWB...IMO, his wife was an abusive byach and I'd roll my eyes evertime he'd act like she was a poooor victim that he had to nurse to health. I was really upset/hurt when he finally divorced her that he didn't want to be with me and decided he wanted to enjoy his new found "freedom". I blocked his tel, emails, social media.

 

Quite frankly, each time I was a OW and if I ever be one again, I don't want any woman coming and knocking on my door about her man. I don't even want him to leave her for me. Sex and the City had a show like this one time. Samantha got a call both from the guy and his wife. The guy wanted to leave his wife for Samantha and the wife said she was willing to do anything so Samantha could give him back to her - even a threesome. And like me Samantha was like 'no, go home to your wife - leave me alone'.

 

I'm not into breaking up homes. Quite frankly, I believe I would save a lot of marriages cuz whatever she's not doing for him, he gets from me and comes back to the marriage with his batteries recharged. But, two instances where I was a OW, the marriage was on the skids already, they had no kids and I guess I was the "exit affair". My 6 yr guy, they weren't married, but had a kid and were shacking up. But, I think they had sort of an unspoken "open" RL.

 

So, IMO, many OW with no/low character and/or like drama and/or are mean spirited...doesn't have to do a thing with whether or not they felt they got deceived and/or played.

 

Also, some OW wanna prove that their vagina is hotter than every other and they don't care if they break up a home to prove their delusions. A gf of a soon-to-become ex-gf of mine was with a creep who cheated on his wife and her, she pushed for him to leave the wife and he still cheated/cheats - and all she's about is proving she's better than all of them :rolleyes:Gimmie a break. The guy is a dog, he'll never be satisfied with any woman and she's a OW who wasted her time over her silly delusions. But, if you really get to know her, she's not a nice person. She's a liar, cheater, and flashy person in other areas of her life - so, like I said, lots of OW out there who simply have low character and enjoy drama and f-ing around with families, the W and/or whatever.

 

This is confusing. You are defending and insulting ow. How would you describe the type of ow you are? When a marriage is being worked on, it is by both people in the marriage. How do you save marriages if you aren't letting the wife in on the 'help' she's receiving? And by this statement alone, aren't you're implying your vagina is the special one?

[goodyblue]

Cuz the OW was a mean spirited, selfish byach from day one?

 

Look, some people simply aren't nice...

 

I watched ID a few months ago about this parolee who was on a mission to seduce her parole officer. For a year she kept on working on him and he broke down....

 

He started getting mixed up in the hot sex and from pressure from her, made marriage plans. One day, his wife found out, him and the wife had a good sit-down and he realized he f-d up and both of them wanted to work on the marriage.

 

The OW was furious...

 

Now, I could see where she would be hurt cuz he started making plans with her and broke them - but he wasn't deceiving her, playing games with her, and his wife didn't do a thing to her. I mean, it was "her" who worked on him for a whole freakin' year till he broke down. So, the OW was to blame for this. But come on, she was a parolee, full of drama and problems - last person with a conscious here.

 

So, she'd call all the time and even showed up at the guy's house in the wedding dress to show the wife and the wife just closed the door in her face.

 

Ultimately, dude reported her (even though it put his job at risk) and they put her in jail...and I say good job. Who was this OW to pressure the guy into this RL then get pissed when he woke up and realized he f'd up?

 

I'm a rare breed. I've been the OW a few times (three - that I know of) and NEVER, EVER contacted the W. Why? Again, I'm just "borrowing" him and whether or not I the W is someone I like/dislike - doesn't matter. Even my last FWB...IMO, his wife was an abusive byach and I'd roll my eyes evertime he'd act like she was a poooor victim that he had to nurse to health. I was really upset/hurt when he finally divorced her that he didn't want to be with me and decided he wanted to enjoy his new found "freedom". I blocked his tel, emails, social media.

 

Quite frankly, each time I was a OW and if I ever be one again, I don't want any woman coming and knocking on my door about her man. I don't even want him to leave her for me. Sex and the City had a show like this one time. Samantha got a call both from the guy and his wife. The guy wanted to leave his wife for Samantha and the wife said she was willing to do anything so Samantha could give him back to her - even a threesome. And like me Samantha was like 'no, go home to your wife - leave me alone'.

 

I'm not into breaking up homes. Quite frankly, I believe I would save a lot of marriages cuz whatever she's not doing for him, he gets from me and comes back to the marriage with his batteries recharged. But, two instances where I was a OW, the marriage was on the skids already, they had no kids and I guess I was the "exit affair". My 6 yr guy, they weren't married, but had a kid and were shacking up. But, I think they had sort of an unspoken "open" RL.

 

So, IMO, many OW with no/low character and/or like drama and/or are mean spirited...doesn't have to do a thing with whether or not they felt they got deceived and/or played.

 

Also, some OW wanna prove that their vagina is hotter than every other and they don't care if they break up a home to prove their delusions. A gf of a soon-to-become ex-gf of mine was with a creep who cheated on his wife and her, she pushed for him to leave the wife and he still cheated/cheats - and all she's about is proving she's better than all of them :rolleyes:Gimmie a break. The guy is a dog, he'll never be satisfied with any woman and she's a OW who wasted her time over her silly delusions. But, if you really get to know her, she's not a nice person. She's a liar, cheater, and flashy person in other areas of her life - so, like I said, lots of OW out there who simply have low character and enjoy drama and f-ing around with families, the W and/or whatever.

 

I was OW too. I know my guy's marriage was a mess when we became involved. I believe their mess is their problem but I know I helped him leave. Are you that naive to believe you don't help break up homes? I am sorry but you don't seem like a rare breed. You just seem like you don't care what you do to other people and lots of times when we get involved in affairs we have to be that way to live with ourselves. I don't feel bad that their marriage ended but I have certainly learned not to rub it in everyone's face that I didn't care at the time and I feel bad that it had to be our means to the end we desired. I would suggest trying some humility.