i am gutted Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 hi again......just a lot of thoughts at moment so wondered if any of you felt the same way as I do. I was told that ex H was asked if he would come back if I would take him back and his answer was no. I know that I cant take him back after all he has done but to hear that he said no did hurt a little. It just seems like he has no remorse at all (wishful thinking on my part I suppose) and I would really like him to man up and truly apologise for all the **** he has caused. (told it prob wont happen) I know I hang on these things and I am trying not to but it bugs the crap out of me that he carries on like nothing has happened.... its four months now since we separated and I was doing ok but now its starting to hit home again. I was told to divorce him and give him a "fright" to change but honestly he has wanted this all along hasn't he but didn't have the balls to do it himself. I feel like a fricken idiot 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MajorOak Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Kia ora I am gutted. Yes I have the same feelings, bugs the crap out of me also. The other side of him in saying NO could be he has found his scrotum afterall and he knows you are much better off without him????? You should jump on FS when your ready and strike up some positive conversation, good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Waiting for your spouse or partner to apologize for the hurt they caused is a fruitless endeavor, a waste of time and energy. It mostly doesn't happen. People don't like acknowledging bad behavior, much less take responsibility for it. Unless a person ends up in AA, for example, where they have to apologize to those they hurt...it probably will not happen. Now if he decides he wants to come back for convenience's sake, he may issue an apology. But mostly ,that will mean he is sorry his new life plans did not work out as he hoped. Once a spouse leaves, the only thing the left-behind spouse can do is make a new life of their own. There aren't any other options, if counseling toward the mutual goal of reconciling is not a possibility. You can waste a bunch of your remaining months or years stewing about his sins or you can let it go. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sportsguy4 Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 What upset me more was my willingness to take so much blame. Over the last few weeks I've combed back through some e-mails I sent her while we were separated. I'm sorry this, I'm sorry that. I always took blame for everything. I was so willing to try and save our marriage that I was so willing to act like she hadn't contributed to anything wrong. What it made worse was she never even acknowledged what I said. Even over the next few months when we would still see each other on some weekends no mention of anything. She never once sent me an e-mail apologizing for her role in our marriage getting to where it did. So for her the divorce has probably been great, where as I've struggled more days than not. That's what really upset me. She didn't even act like she cared about me at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author i am gutted Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 What upset me more was my willingness to take so much blame. Over the last few weeks I've combed back through some e-mails I sent her while we were separated. I'm sorry this, I'm sorry that. I always took blame for everything. I was so willing to try and save our marriage that I was so willing to act like she hadn't contributed to anything wrong. What it made worse was she never even acknowledged what I said. Even over the next few months when we would still see each other on some weekends no mention of anything. She never once sent me an e-mail apologizing for her role in our marriage getting to where it did. So for her the divorce has probably been great, where as I've struggled more days than not. That's what really upset me. She didn't even act like she cared about me at all. this seems similar to my situation.........I too apologised and never really got anything back and I also was willing to try again but this time he checked out completely. like it was a relief to him that I asked him to leave. This separation/divorce is great for him too - I hope you have a good day, another day to try and keep our chins up ae. R Link to post Share on other sites
Author i am gutted Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 Waiting for your spouse or partner to apologize for the hurt they caused is a fruitless endeavor, a waste of time and energy. It mostly doesn't happen. People don't like acknowledging bad behavior, much less take responsibility for it. Unless a person ends up in AA, for example, where they have to apologize to those they hurt...it probably will not happen. Now if he decides he wants to come back for convenience's sake, he may issue an apology. But mostly ,that will mean he is sorry his new life plans did not work out as he hoped. Once a spouse leaves, the only thing the left-behind spouse can do is make a new life of their own. There aren't any other options, if counseling toward the mutual goal of reconciling is not a possibility. You can waste a bunch of your remaining months or years stewing about his sins or you can let it go. the hard part........I feel stuck. Have always been a home body and not adventurous or outgoing. a lot of anxiety about stepping out. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 the hard part........I feel stuck. Have always been a home body and not adventurous or outgoing. a lot of anxiety about stepping out. Think you should give yourself a little more credit for the strength you've shown to this point. It was brave to extricate yourself from an unhealthy marriage. It takes courage to face the challenges a selfish partner won't. I'll bet you're stronger than you think you are. Time to give yourself a little credit ... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 It is fine to be a "homebody." There is no pressure to "step-out." Just be yourself. I love being in my home, my nest. That is who I was before and during marriage. You are gonna be fine! Yas 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Took counseling to learn to clean my side of the street, own my part and forgive myself. Would take another few years to forgive my ex, yet thru it all, it certainly made for a better understanding that while divorce was inevitable, how I choose to learn and move on was entirely mine. Its been 25 years since that decision and still there are moments of Gee did he really just say that with such heartlessness? then I realize, yeah....that's why we couldn't see eye to eye. It validates why we made the right decision. Sorry OP that such is happening, its not easy given the earliness of this transition. Stay strong , you made the choice that is right for your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChicagoSparty Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I apologized a lot to my XW about the stuff I had done that helped bring down the marriage. It was genuine and it was the right thing to do. She's never apologized or taken responsibility for anything that she did. I guess I never expected her to, but I thought she might reflect a little and maybe have an epiphany. She didn't, and honestly, I stopped caring a long time ago. Ipso facto, I am very much past the relationship, and she is still stuck a bit. Part of what has helped me move on is not caring one way or another if she ever took responsibility or apologized. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author i am gutted Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 I guess its just expectations on my part as I would have thought he would have more compassion. I have got to the stage that I am sick of feeling like this, I have times where I can get on and do things then it all comes flooding back into my head and puts me off. I go to bed thinking about it, now am dreaming most nights about him and wake up in morning and think is this really my life and why has this happened to me. all over again. Sorry OP that such is happening, its not easy given the earliness of this transition. Stay strong , you made the choice that is right for your life it feels forever at the moment but I do understand that it had to happen....he would have just kept on doing what he was doing if I stayed with him.. Ipso facto, I am very much past the relationship, and she is still stuck a bit. Part of what has helped me move on is not caring one way or another if she ever took responsibility or apologized I am the one stuck - I do still care but I am looking forward to the day where I don't anymore - would love that day to come very soon. he has been past our relationship for a long time and has had time In his own mind to get over us because he didn't give a **** about me at the end of the day. He was more interested is his secret women to go and screw and lead his "other life". one day I will not care about him.........I hope Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 the hard part........I feel stuck. Have always been a home body and not adventurous or outgoing. a lot of anxiety about stepping out. I felt like that when I first seperated. I signed up to NZD and freaked out about meeting anyone new, the regulars there (on the messageboards) convinced me to go to an event. I went and met one of the people I'd been chatting with before the event so I'd at least have met one person. It was a great party! I never met a long term partner on NZD, but I made loads of friends though. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 hi again......just a lot of thoughts at moment so wondered if any of you felt the same way as I do. I was told that ex H was asked if he would come back if I would take him back and his answer was no. I know that I cant take him back after all he has done but to hear that he said no did hurt a little. It just seems like he has no remorse at all (wishful thinking on my part I suppose) and I would really like him to man up and truly apologise for all the **** he has caused. (told it prob wont happen) I know I hang on these things and I am trying not to but it bugs the crap out of me that he carries on like nothing has happened.... its four months now since we separated and I was doing ok but now its starting to hit home again. I was told to divorce him and give him a "fright" to change but honestly he has wanted this all along hasn't he but didn't have the balls to do it himself. I feel like a fricken idiot I had to go back and read a bit of your story because I am not familiar. I think your H has been a bit cold and callous. I'm sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author i am gutted Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 I had to go back and read a bit of your story because I am not familiar. I think your H has been a bit cold and callous. I'm sorry. Thanks popsicle.....yes I think so too... am truly struggling with it at the moment to say the least.......after so long together and him knowing how I am, it doesn't make sense to me how he can shut off completely like he has. Even with the kids. his own world, his way, his life - screw everyone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author i am gutted Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 I felt like that when I first seperated. I signed up to NZD and freaked out about meeting anyone new, the regulars there (on the messageboards) convinced me to go to an event. I went and met one of the people I'd been chatting with before the event so I'd at least have met one person. It was a great party! I never met a long term partner on NZD, but I made loads of friends though. Ha - you probably chatted with him lmfao.......I found him on there too I signed up but then deleted - too scared lol Link to post Share on other sites
Apaige Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 hi again......just a lot of thoughts at moment so wondered if any of you felt the same way as I do. I was told that ex H was asked if he would come back if I would take him back and his answer was no. I know that I cant take him back after all he has done but to hear that he said no did hurt a little. It just seems like he has no remorse at all (wishful thinking on my part I suppose) and I would really like him to man up and truly apologise for all the **** he has caused. (told it prob wont happen) I know I hang on these things and I am trying not to but it bugs the crap out of me that he carries on like nothing has happened.... its four months now since we separated and I was doing ok but now its starting to hit home again. I was told to divorce him and give him a "fright" to change but honestly he has wanted this all along hasn't he but didn't have the balls to do it himself. I feel like a fricken idiot NOt sure if he is a narcissist, but if he is...he will carry on as if nothing ever happend. Mine did. And he was as narcissistic as they come. Link to post Share on other sites
Author i am gutted Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 NOt sure if he is a narcissist, but if he is...he will carry on as if nothing ever happend. Mine did. And he was as narcissistic as they come. I have been told by a couple of mates that it sounds like he is narcissitic.....he certainly doesn't seem to care....... Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 my ex is still a passive aggressive coward. no sense in an apology. it's his personality Link to post Share on other sites
introverted_1 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I am so sorry, IAG. Who told you this information? They are no friend of yours, trust me. I would not worry about "stepping out" for a while. Take some time to heal and adjust before getting back out into the dating world. Take care, and best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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