Is there any chance to get her back?

[Fortier]

Here a part of my story with my ex. We've know each other for more than 7 years. We started dating more than 5 years ago, but she broke up with me 3 weeks and half ago. Those weeks have been the hardest time of my life. We went through so many things together, that I never thought it could end. We successfully went through 2 years and a half of long distance relationship, but the 4 months after I came back weren't the greatest, but we had to get use of being so close after such a long time far away from each other.

 

I begged for her to come back the first 2 days. Well, I've sent her like 10 texts messages, begging for her to respond and to give me explanations. Then, she messages me 3 days after the break up to gave those explanations to me.

 

So here's all the reasons she gave me for the break up: she wasnt sure if she wanted to put more efforts into a relationship, that she wanted to explore the single life, that she felt out of breath (choking) in our relation. She continued by saying that I've been so important in her life, maybe too much, as she couldnt do anything without thinking about me, which is why she wanted time apart. ALso, she told me that she wanted to turn the page and write new experiences, without erasing thoses pages from the past.

 

I went NC for 2 weeks than contacted her. She did respond positively, but the day after, I lead the conversation towards our break up and me wanting her back. She then backed off, saying that she was happy single for the moment and that she wanted to get use of that single before talking with me. However, she mentionned that the answer was no right now, but she might change her mind in 2 months, who knows? And that I wasnt only her boyfriend, but also her friend and she dont want to forget me.

 

2 hours after I thought we were back on NC, she wrote to me asking to see a letter I wrote that stated everything I learnt from the break up and how I wanted to change. Not only to get her back, but mostly to be a better person in life. She then left apologizing, saying that she didnt know why she answered, that she wasnt ready to talk yet and she wanted to letter just for her own curiosity.

 

Since then, we are in NC. I've spoken with some of her friends since last week. They all say that she still has feelings for me, that she hasnt forgotten anything about us, that she know how much of a good team we were together. They also say that times were hard for her and that she's going out a lot and seeing her friends very often in order to not think about ''us'' too often.

 

I have the feeling that she wants me, but that she's trying to convince herself that she made the right decision. Yeah, she' s stubborn. another hint of that is that she didnt speak about our break up to her mom. she used to say everything to her.

 

I had a good feeling about us getting back together until 2 days ago. I found out she litteraly blocked me off Facebook. I dont know why and I dont understand. I went total NC with her. No comments, no status, no likes about anything that might have something to do with her since the beginning, and i didnt try to talk to her through FB. And last time we spoke in was on good term and a decision from both of us to stop talking for a while. She did unblocked few hours ago, but arent friends anymore on Fb.

 

So it cannot be from anger right? the only reason I see right now from what I've stated above, she did it cause it was too hard for her to see me pass through her newsfeed. And maybe she did it to see if she could forget about me for a while wby not seeing anything about me at all? idk what to think honestly...

 

She did insist on the fact that she didnt want to forget me, to erase me from her memory. It let me think that she would like to remain friends with me. But that Facebook thing really crushed my heart. We say action speaks louder than words? I would like to know the truth about it, but talking to her might push her even further away. She did me a favor by doing this, so I cant stalk her. But still, it hurts.

 

I know you guys will say its only been 3 weeks, relax man. You don't know what you want, etc. But that basically all I'm doing during my alone time: thinking. ASking myself so many questions. WOndering if she's the one, if i really want her back, if my life is better with or without her. I've asked myself everything, and the answer cannot be clearer.

 

I am happy single, doing things with friends when I want. But when I come back home, there's still a hole in my heart. I miss having those great talks during hours in our beds instead of sleeping. We had such a good connection. We were almost perfect. Everyone knew it and were saying it to us. I also asked myself: do i miss affection and having someone by my side or do I miss her? THe answer: i miss HER.

 

Now im tore between giving up or keep hoping. My hope were so high just 2 days ago, but now i'm more hopeless than ever. I know that she's the love of my life. I want to fight for her! But in the end, i cant control her feelings.

 

I know everything I need to change. All the little details that made her feel the way she felt. And those details all come from the same things: neediness and insecurity.

 

I reached a point in my relationship where she was just too important. All i wanted was to spend all my free time with her. All of my happiness was on her shoulder. I didnt want to go out with friends, fearing i would miss time with her and she would be sad. I didnt want to get more friends, as there was not enough place in my heart for more peole. During my relationship, i said ''oh sure, i'll change that and we'll be better!'' but only slight changes were occuring. What a **** i've been!! In my head, i was thinking ''yeah, we've been through so much and we're still together no matter how i am and who i am, we can resist everything, we're gonna be together forever. '' i never thought a single moment we could break up.

 

I also tried to control her, without even noticing it. It just **** hurted me when I realized what I've done. I wanted to be her only source of happiness, be exclusive to her. I was kinda mad when she was doing things with her friends that she told me we would do together. I've ended up being in competition with them. I never noticed that until recently, once it was too late. I became also jealous, cause I didnt want her to fall for another one. I trusted her and I knew she wouldnt cheat and she never did! but i always had a fear that she would find someone better than me. I was so stupid. Now, with a step back, I know that if she really liked me, which she did, she could only be friend with guys without loving them! But i was too insecure.

 

She said it wasnt all my fault. I guess she probably didnt notice and those mistakes before I sent her the letter. She just felt overwhelmed by all those actions and broke up with me.

 

I had no social life, except for when I was at school or playing hockey. Outside of that, she was my everything. We say that we cant be happy in a relationship if we aint happy by our own right? well this is exactly what happened to us.

 

But now, I know I can have my own social life, be happy without her. As much as she enjoyed her single life right now! So i know that if we get back together, things woulf work out and be great. I am no longer clingy and i dont feel neediness anymore. I also beat my insecurty, well i think so. As i was insecure she met someone else to make her happy, while I was waiting at home for her, instead of just enjoying my free time with my own friends!

 

I now know that our break up was meant to be, there was no escap cause i was blind. But now that I see everything rationnally, I want to change! I've started and its going great! But I want her back too.

 

The problem is that i dont know how. I want to let her time to live her life! I just dont know when to contact her, or if i should wait for her to do it. Cause she never was to one to initiate contact after a fight during our time together. I was to give it all, try to get back with her.

 

But now, I know my words wont have any positive effects. They would probably just push her farther away, as she would think i'm still needy and desperate. I dont know how to prove her I've changed... Im blocked off facebook, maybe even her cellphone. So i cant really talk to her except by mail. WIthout social media, she wont be able to see how i'm doing. I mean, how can I show her the better side of myself if she wont see it?? and i wont initiate contact for the next 2 weeks at least... I need help on that, someone to light me up a bit

[ssandeepsingh02]

Fortier people don't change in three n a half weeks..sure you realized your mistakez now n you are working on them..but it's gonna take time..you haven't changed a bit..if she came back now..it will end again..give yourself n her some tim..let her live her single life..it looks great in the beginning but we humans are not meant to stay alone..after a while she will reconsider her decisions but there is nothing that you can do..just work on yourself n don't keep any hope it's only going to set you back..kill all the hole..it's over if she ever came bcj..it would be a new relationship not the old one..so don't keep any hope..sty nc..giver her time..don't initiate contact let her do it..and work on your issues..you will be fine

[Fortier]

Thanks for the comment! Yeah I know we cant changed that fast, but my mistakes were more of a psychological side, a mindset I had that I no longer have! But you're right, i need to let her time and I need to enjoy my time alone too. Also, i thought a lot about the possibility of staying friends and I think it could work out once I totally moved on. Thats why I kinda want to initiate contact, so that way, I could see where she's at and see if we are meant to be friends or lovers, and i would be okay with those options. For now I'm not but i think once i moved on, both possibilities will be possible. And also, she's stubborn and never initiate contact during our fights. Sh used to fight against her will to text me. She used to look at her phone 10x times per hour for me to talk to her during our fights. So I guess she kinda hope I'll be the one to break the silence as I used too.

[Fortier]

Hi guys, i dont know if you are still active out there, but I needed somewhere to get everything off my chest.

 

Its been almost 4 weeks, with 1 and half of pure NC. I went out to the bar with my friends and I knew my ex was going to show up soon. I did notice her friend but wasnt sure it was her at first. Then I continued the night and had time to chat quickly with 2 girls. (You all say to do that to boost confidence and honestly, it did! One her these girl was probably expectong sex but there's no way I would've done that)

 

Then I saw another one of her friend and asked her if my ex was still there. She told me yes so I said is she inside? I just wanna say hi to her! She say she didnt know about that. A few minutes later, i dont know how but that friend told me she did see me.

 

Then I went to go inside and ran into her. I think she didnt see me at first so i softly grab her arm. She then continue her way (her stupid **** friend was litterally pulling her so she couldnt speak to me). So I said "hey ! I just wanted to say a quick hi! And just catch up! How are you doing? Your having fun?" She then say hi back and said yeah im good and im having fun.

 

She seemed mixed in her feelings. Like she wanted but not at the same time. And her friend was continuously pulling her. I then said "hmm you dont want talk right now" she replied "i have nothing to say" and then I said, well text me soon if you want to and she answered she wasnt ready yet.

 

I mean, it has been 4 weeks. To me, that was a complete childish behavior, especialy from her friend. I was just trying to catch up real quick (1 min max) to know how she was doing thats it.

 

I wasnt expecting a full conversation about feelings, just a quick hi how are you doing? But she (or her friend i dont really know) kept running away.

 

How should i interpret this?? Did she saw me getting close to one of those girl and that **** her off?

 

And then I texted her to say to i find her behavior childish when All i tried was to get some news nothing else. But i think she already blocked me on her cellphone so she wont get it. If not, i ****ed up hard

[pidgeon1010]

If someone breaks up with you and asks for space, you give them that. And you wait until they initiate contact about discussing the relationship. You have hounded this girl since the breakup and continue to do so. Frankly, your behavior came off as desperate and stalker'ish and the only thing you are doing is driving her away and possibly confirming to her that she did the right thing. You need to initiate NC immediately and work on yourself.

[Satu]

If someone tells you its over, it is over.

 

By hanging onto hopes of reconciliation, you're making things much harder for yourself.

 

Take care.

[aloneinaz]

If someone breaks up with you and asks for space, you give them that. And you wait until they initiate contact about discussing the relationship. You have hounded this girl since the breakup and continue to do so. Frankly, your behavior came off as desperate and stalker'ish and the only thing you are doing is driving her away and possibly confirming to her that she did the right thing. You need to initiate NC immediately and work on yourself.

 

 

 

This^^^

 

 

OP- you are doing EVERYTHING wrong here. RESPECT her wishes and stop stalking her. You really are kind of embarrassing yourself.

 

 

If you EVER want a chance for her to consider talking to you again, you need to do as she's requested and VANISH from her life. Disappear. Don't go to places you can run into her. Block on all social media.

 

 

If you do this, she'll gain respect for you in that you accepted her decision and moved on. Dumpers NEVER give anyone a second thought when they keep bothering them.

[Qboro90]

You need to back off completely. Your actions in the bar and around her friends come off as needy and desperate to be perfectly honest. She has the upper hand now because she knows you fawn over here and will take her back the second she gives you the go ahead. Asking her friends "is she inside? I just wanna say hi and catch up" is an awful idea. Catch up after 4 weeks? She didn't move out of state for a few years so relax there. You might think you're coming across as nonchalant and easy going but her friends can see your desperation and are just being nice to you by telling you she still likes you but needs time to herself.

 

The fact that her friends were literally pulling her away from you when you reached out for her at the place shows that they do not want her to deal with you OR she told them "get me away from him if he tries to talk to me". As difficult as that may be to hear you need to see that she doesn't want to be with you. Continue no contact. I recommend going out and hooking up or taking other girls on dates. If your ex sees that you are moving on and aren't just waiting around for her like a chump then it may ignite something in her to reach out to you. Otherwise you need to leave her be, no girl is attracted to the needy ex who is working on "fixing himself".

[wizer]

Try putting yourself in your girlfriend's shoes for just a moment.

 

Ok, we are now your girlfriend.

 

He's a good guy and we had a good relationship but I'm not sure I feel the same way about him right now. He's rather clingy and possessive and he just doesn't give me the space I need for myself and he just doesn't understand no matter how many times I tell him, that I need my alone time. Well, now that I told him I need a break he'll back off and give me a chance to decide where I want to go with this. I know it will be hard for him to do this, so I will take every step necessary to cut contact. I hope I don't run into him somewhere, it will be awkward and interfere with my ability to decide what I want to do.

 

Damn no matter how many times I tell him, he still tries to contact me! He just doesn't respect my need for space and he can't function without me, this is so pathetic. If I had any thought about reconciling with him, every time he reaches out to me it just quashes that thought right out of my head. If he would just go dark and let me be, I might actually get that respect back that I once had for him.

[Fortier]

I cant thank all of you enough for the replies. I know this isnt really what i WANTED to see but it is what i NEEDED to. To be honest, I thought only come to her to say hi, how are you was just fine and wouldnt sound needy.

 

For those saying not to go where she might be, the thing is i was with like a group of 20 guys and they were all going at that place. I didnt go there because of her, but because I wanted to take care of myself and have fun on my own.

 

And to be honest, I was sure that I was doing really good by myself and my life was so much more beautiful. I wasnt sure she was going to be there and I thought I would be able just to say hi and wave my hand then not giving a f*ck about her for the rest of the night. But then I saw her and her friends and I just lost any sense of control in myself and felt the need to talk to her absolutely.

 

But some of you mentionned that she's the one that will initiate any contact or conversation about our relationship. I assure I know that and I had no intention of talking about that too! Just say hi or whatever but i knew i would avoid anything that had to do with our relation.

 

And honestly, thanks wizer. I never really tried to put myself in her shoes and try to understand what she might think about it, her feelings, etc. You're so damn right about that.

 

Also, for the one that said she ASKED her friends to pull her away, I say it isnt true. SHe had no clue I was going to be there, so why would she ask that? and that friend... well i've know her for a long time since she's my ex best friend. And she's a total b*tch. I know it sounds mean and full of hate, but she's always been like that.

 

I may add that one of my friend was with his gf at the bar like 1 week after my break up and they spoke with my ex. The result? his gf dumped him a week later for almost the same reasons. And told me there's a good chance he will be back with her, but she needed time and space plus she's expecting him to fix a few things in his life. So we kinda bounded over this and talked about what we did each other to deal with that. He then told me he speaks to her sometimes and get to see her when she's feeling down (not necessarly cause of him). By speaking with him and the way his couple was handling things, I secretly started hoping I could do the same, as the reasons for the break up were pretty similar.

 

So thanks again to all of you. Didnt think I was doing so wrong about that. Sometimes what you want and what you need isn't the same, sadly tho

Edited July 5, 2015 by Fortier

[Fortier]

Ok so she texted me yesterday, which means she hasnt blocked me on her cellphone. Her text said "i wasnt expecting to see you there at all... Since when are you going out? Im not ready to talk with you" and then she said "i thought you wanted to talk about us and i didnt want to" and ended up by saying "well im doing fine, what about you"

 

So i kinda avoid answering her question "since when do you go out?" I used to be the guy who never went out cause I thought it was boring but i went twice since the break up and really like it! we fought a few times over that, as she was trying to make me go out with my friends but i didnt want to, cause i wanted to be with her only. Should i send her a message today saying that I've started to discover myself, and that i'm now enjoying that social life and everything, that im not the guy with social anxiety anymore?

Or should i do the opposite and let her wonder for days why i was out and didnt want to talk about us anymore? Just to make her curious and everything for a couple days weeks, wondering why that shy guy that use to hate bars was there with all of his friends?

 

So i guess its not as bad as i thought, but still not as good as I would like to

Edited July 6, 2015 by Fortier

[pidgeon1010]

Her text said "i wasnt expecting to see you there at all... Since when are you going out? Im not ready to talk with you" and then she said "i thought you wanted to talk about us and i didnt want to" and ended up by saying "well im doing fine, what about you"

 

 

Let me interpret:

 

Hi, I am surprised you've started to go out and are enjoying your life since I broke up with you. I thought you would be home, curled up in ball and an emotional wreck. I thought I had the upper hand and was controlling everything but now you've thrown me a curveball. I am still not ready to talk about our relationship but please respond soon so I can reclaim my power over you. I don't like the recent turn of events.

[Fortier]

Thank you pidgeon for the reply. This is exactly what I was thinking about the situation, but I didnt know if i was right, as I tend to think more with emotions than with logic when it comes to her. Letting her see that I'm not the same and that i'm now doing things she wanted me to do but I never did can be a good thing for me? I mean, will she questions herself about her choice? She probably thought i would never change but now that i did (that i've started to work on myself)?

Edited July 6, 2015 by Fortier

[pidgeon1010]

It could be a good thing, if those reasons are truly the only reasons she broke up with you. Unfortunately, sometimes the dumpee makes all the changes they think are needed but it doesn't bring the dumper back. You should work on yourself with the intention to move on without her (I know easier said than done) but I do think your latest outing has piqued her interest (but who knows how long that will last).

[Fortier]

Yeah i believe that there arent more reasons for the break up. She needed time and space to find herself and enjoy life, as the relation was "choking" her (sorry i dont really know how to say it in english). She didnt mentionned it, but i know she felt that way cause I was too needy and insecure, both things that lead me with no social life and social anxiety a bit.

 

But yeah, i'm doing this all for myself and the day I saw her at the bar was one of the best I had in months (not because of her, but because of my friends). I spent the whole day with my old/new friends playing hockey and aboslutely letting me go. I was doing the clown and everything in front of people, which i never did. I felt so good, like a real humain being that people notice and like! i never thought i would be that happy since the break up. I purely enjoyed life that day.

 

And as hard as it is to say it, the night at the bar really disconnected me from her. I dont want to feel bad and avoid living my life waiting for someone who may actually never come back. For someone surrounded by people acting childish like that and that I never really liked. For sure I still love her, but I'm not sure anymore if I want her back at 100%. So i'll keep going with my life and maybe contact her in a month or so to see if it could work out as friend or if i change my mind (she's a really nice girl, and i think it could work for us as friends, who knows). But If one day she contacts me and want to get back together, I'll have to think a lot and she'll have to prove she really wants it. She really hurted me and kept the pain alive by giving me small doses of hopes and keeping crushing them.

 

I just cant continue living with hopes for her. Everytime I was doing fine with the breakup and had the feeling she would contact me soon, I see/learn something that crush me to death. There's no way I'll take that anymore. And if I do something that pisses her off, well she would be the loser. For letting me go and hurting me, while still holding me in her heart. If she really loved me, she wouldnt have let me go right? So I dont owe her anything and I'll keep going forward with my own life. My feing for her arent gone, but being happy by my own is way more important than waiting for her to make me happy one day that might never arrive.

 

I keep rereading what I wrote and I can barely believe I reached that point. Just a few days ago I was so sad and almost broke the NC to beg her to take me back. I've surprised I'm doing so good. That breakup was the hardest time of my life, and I never thought I'll get over it! For sure, i'll still have downs in the upcoming months, but never as bad as it use to be.

 

Even if i failed strict NC, i've been able to pick myself up and realized I have awesome friends and family, that really cares about me and that want nothing else but my happiness. They truly helped me going through this. Just like loveschack community. Thanks to all those who shared their point of views and their experience with me. You guys really helped me. Just like all the other people sharing their own story and their deepest thoughts/emotions. All of you have been helpful to me. Thanks again

[wizer]

Or should i do the opposite and let her wonder for days why i was out and didnt want to talk about us anymore? Just to make her curious and everything for a couple days weeks, wondering why that shy guy that use to hate bars was there with all of his friends?

 

So i guess its not as bad as i thought, but still not as good as I would like to

 

She figured you were at the bar looking for her since there are lots of places you could go out yet you picked the one place she was going to.

 

What should you do? Nothing. Stop responding to her texts for a while. Just go dark, get busy with hobbies, friends, unfinished projects, try to put her on the back burner. And stop going places you know she'll be at.