Broke Contact

[mysterywoman]

Mystery, have you ever heard the term mental gymnastics? It's when one's brain spins the facts around and around to fit them into what one wants to see. I used to do this ALL THE TIME with xOM. He said he didn't want to be with me, he had another girlfriend, and I spun that around into his feelings were so strong for me that he decided to stay with his wife, but couldn't tell me that, so he said he had another GF.

 

I know...WTF???

 

I see the mental gymnastics you are doing, trying to make it seem that somewhere in all these short words or AM accounts, there is a kernel of caring for you from your xMM.

 

Look point blank at his actions...he no longer wants to be involved with you. Yes, it hurts. You made a bad investment. Bad investments happen often, with houses, people, jobs, cars...and sometimes the only way to recover is to walk away.

 

You need to walk away.

 

Turn your focus on other things in your life. Your job, your family, your house. Exercise. Start kntting. Anything! Just after my d-day, when I was trying to break my addiction from xOM, I started my thesis for graduate school. So I focused on that.

 

Praying and meditating is great too. But I do think an IC will help, to offer healthier coping skill sets and a non-involved third party perspective. Plus...you will never know if it won't help if you don't try it, right?

 

Good luck.

 

Yes thank you.

[mysterywoman]

Where did I say hook up? I said affair. Look, it's obvious that the affair was much more serious to you and you invested in it A LOT, your exMM may have but he has let go and moved on.

 

No where in my posts have I been disrespectful to you. I'm sorry that you are taking my words and advice out of context. I'm trying to help you.

 

Doing meditating, being spiritual won't help you get over him. You need professional help, someone to talk to and can advise you to handle this in a healthy way.

 

Sorry the other poster said hookup not you. I mixed you up with the other person who posted. My apologies.

[mysterywoman]

Hi Mysterywoman,

I know it's hard to get over someone that meant so much to you. He is only 1 man though and there are many men out there that could make you happy and be better for you than he is. It sounds like we are in similar situations and you saw him as sort of escape from your home life. I hope things are better for you there than they were. It hurts to feel indifference, when the AP used to be attentive and caring. Mine still contacts me, but I think it's for a FWB situation now. I want to let him go, but I can't end it. I have just had to detach, because I know it's going nowhere. I know it's hard to let that hope and those feelings go. You have to be strong. Best wishes

 

Thanks for your kind caring words.

 

I don't get where some posters here (not you) have to be so callous.You don't like what I have to say than don't bother commenting is my way of thinking.

 

You know the golden rule? Some people don't use it.

 

Anyways getting off the soapbox.

 

Trying to be strong ...once again.I was doing better until Know emailed him.

 

Big mistake.

 

Had huge fight with my husband last night.

 

I think a lot of it was stirred up by my contacting mm, it is not good for me anymore.

 

I used to think it was the answer to my problems. Turns out it was all a beautiful fantasy that turned into a nightmare.

[jwi71]

OP,

 

What now?

 

Do you desire a life being, to some degree, unhappily M? I would imagine not.

 

So what are your plans to fix THAT? It appears you still frequent AM. Why? What does that accomplish for YOU? You say you wish to not D - how does being on AM HELP your M? Your life?

 

In short, what are you looking for an affair to solve? How can it (likely it cannot)?

 

I 100% certain that not facing the problem in your M, whatever it may be, will not solve it. Affairs rarely HELP. Witness you in the here and now.

 

So whats the goal here?

[mysterywoman]

OP,

 

What now?

 

Do you desire a life being, to some degree, unhappily M? I would imagine not.

 

So what are your plans to fix THAT? It appears you still frequent AM. Why? What does that accomplish for YOU? You say you wish to not D - how does being on AM HELP your M? Your life?

 

In short, what are you looking for an affair to solve? How can it (likely it cannot)?

 

I 100% certain that not facing the problem in your M, whatever it may be, will not solve it. Affairs rarely HELP. Witness you in the here and now.

 

So whats the goal here?

 

 

There are many problems in my marriage. I don't know, I was basically on there to see if he was back on there.

 

Like I should care.

 

I miss the connection I had with him the most.

 

I don't know what my goal is now except to get on with my life and try to forget him like he once told me to do.

 

It doesn't make it easy.

[RoseVille]

I don't know why you keep calling it a hookup,, it was much more than that. It is very biased thinking. If I never wrote I met him through an adult dating website, you wouldn't be saying that.

 

Here's the thing.

 

You met on a website designed for hookups. At the first sign of trouble, he bailed and hasn't looked back since. It's been two years. He's called you a stalker. He's begged you to move on.

 

It's over for him. Period.

 

I understand it was more than a 2 month fling to you, but his actions say that's exactly what it was for him. We can't control the way others feel or see things, but we can recognize how they feel and see things.

 

Open your eyes.

[mysterywoman]

Here's the thing.

 

You met on a website designed for hookups. At the first sign of trouble, he bailed and hasn't looked back since. It's been two years. He's called you a stalker. He's begged you to move on.

 

It's over for him. Period.

 

I understand it was more than a 2 month fling to you, but his actions say that's exactly what it was for him. We can't control the way others feel or see things, but we can recognize how they feel and see things.

 

Open your eyes.

 

I know that's how he sees it. Why do you think it hurts so much?

[mysterywoman]

Here's the thing.

 

You met on a website designed for hookups. At the first sign of trouble, he bailed and hasn't looked back since. It's been two years. He's called you a stalker. He's begged you to move on.

 

It's over for him. Period.

 

I understand it was more than a 2 month fling to you, but his actions say that's exactly what it was for him. We can't control the way others feel or see things, but we can recognize how they feel and see things.

 

Open your eyes.

 

 

All I can say is never again...

 

I am distanced from my husband

Was it worth it? I guess it was if I never do it again. I am terrified to feel that kind of hurt again.

[still_an_Angel]

I don't want to divorce my husband. I just want to forget I ever met this other man and that doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon.

 

Its not gonna happen if you keep trying to find him on dating websites.

Please be kind to yourself now, you have done so much trying to restart the affair with him, but he has said no, he told you to move on.

 

 

This is not healthy for you, your life holds much more, so many things you could do for yourself. Its over, there are many roads to travel, leave this one and find your happiness. You don't need him to be happy.

[RoseVille]

I know that's how he sees it. Why do you think it hurts so much?

 

Every time you contact him, you're reminded of this. Every time you contact him, you're ripping open a scabbed wound that's on the way to being healed.

 

The cure is to truly stop contacting him. Do not look for him online. Delete his number, email, messenger, everything. Cold turkey - forever.

[mysterywoman]

Every time you contact him, you're reminded of this. Every time you contact him, you're ripping open a scabbed wound that's on the way to being healed.

 

The cure is to truly stop contacting him. Do not look for him online. Delete his number, email, messenger, everything. Cold turkey - forever.

 

Yes I know you are right. I want to just stop it all and delete everything. So upset with myself for thinking it was the answer. Well now I know it only leads to pain.

[lftbehind]

Thanks for your kind caring words.

 

I don't get where some posters here (not you) have to be so callous.You don't like what I have to say than don't bother commenting is my way of thinking.

 

You know the golden rule? Some people don't use it.

 

Anyways getting off the soapbox.

 

Trying to be strong ...once again.I was doing better until Know emailed him.

 

Big mistake.

 

Had huge fight with my husband last night.

 

I think a lot of it was stirred up by my contacting mm, it is not good for me anymore.

 

I used to think it was the answer to my problems. Turns out it was all a beautiful fantasy that turned into a nightmare.

 

You're welcome. I know what you mean, you came on hear for support and help, not to be chastised. It is hard to be strong, especially when you have problems at home to deal with and miss the MM. There was a post on here a week ago about Missing the Illusion by NoRudder that was good and I suggest reading it. I know what you mean about the fantasy turning into a nightmare. Mine just faded. Just think that you were okay before you ever knew MM and you'll be okay again. He's just a man. Best Wishes

[AnotherSadSong]

Yes I know you are right. I want to just stop it all and delete everything. So upset with myself for thinking it was the answer. Well now I know it only leads to pain.

 

 

 

Yayyyyyyyyy! I am really genuinely happy you are thinking in reality. Many of us have done that and you are not alone. When there are not so good things happening we sometimes use crutches. You fell to this, some fall to daily drinking, drugs etc. You are not crazy and you may fall some now and then, but I believe you are on your way to kicking this habit.

Take away this (alcohol) hope and be strong & confident about yourself regardless of your (husband) problems at home, work on figuring this out, and place negative vibes on the MM. Let yourself know factually he was not there for you and failed you, he is not worth your time, he never wants to hear from you. I do this and it is almost absolute that I will not do any reminiscing making a horror story into a love story.

I believe you are getting there!

[RoseVille]

I want to just stop it all and delete everything.

 

Then DO IT. Don't just want it, DO IT.

 

Right now.