jnel921 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I am scared to death about starting all over with 3 young children. I know time heals all wounds but I feel so alone. Will time heal loneliness. Pray for me. I did it... I was alone and pregnant and had a 1 year old. You will be fine and eventually down the road when you are ready you will find love again. Don't stay with someone because you are afraid of the unfamiliar. Besides you will not be by yourself but with Yourself...That is the person you need to concern yourself with and love the most! Good luck to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 The decision to abort or give birth is one that only you should make. If you decide to give birth, are you the type that can handle giving your baby up for adoption or at a safe baby deposit location (if your country has those), or will you be so bonded after 9-10 months you will have to keep it. If you give birth, the only morally correct thing to do is to put the MM name on the birth certificate. If you keep your baby, the only morally correct thing to do is to pursue child support. Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 ^ Disregard. My phone is junk & it's too late to edit. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 the year long affair is an order of magnitude worse. It is possible that for the ONS, the spouse just made a very bad mistake in judgement, possibly alcohol fueled. If they learned from that mistake and NEVER do it again, then there is room for forgiveness. A year long affair, with a years worth of lies and gaslighting, and sex over and over...how do you recover from THAT indignity? Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 the year long affair is an order of magnitude worse. It is possible that for the ONS, the spouse just made a very bad mistake in judgement, possibly alcohol fueled. If they learned from that mistake and NEVER do it again, then there is room for forgiveness. A year long affair, with a years worth of lies and gaslighting, and sex over and over...how do you recover from THAT indignity? Not saying that I would recover from LTA or that the situation itself would be recoverable even if I myself could forgive it. buts it's like I said earlier, it's a matter of personal values and what the BS looks down on more. To me a LTA is an intentional act based on the circumstances and the feelings and conditions of the marriage and the AP etc. Where as the ONS is often a combination of irresponsibility, impulsiveness and drunkenness. Myself personally, I can understand someone having feelings for someone and entering into a relationship incrementally over time untill it is a developed affair. I may not forgive it and may not chose to try to remain in the marriage, but I could understand it and accept it. Conversely, if someone was so reckless, irresponsible, drunk and impulsive that they throw everything away at the bar for a set of biceps and some thrills in the moment, I can't relate or forgive that. If someone was that impulsive, loose and irresponsible, the loss of respect would taint the relationship to a degree I wouldn't be able to continue. I can understand and accept someone developing feelings over time. I can't accept someone Just being loose and slurry. LTAs are the result of a combination of the conditions of the marriage, the feelings between the WS and the AP and the future potential of A. A ONS is almost solely on the character of the WS and persons character is something that they own and take with them wherever they go. As someone posted above, if your partner has a ONS, then even ordering delivery pizza becomes a potential tryst. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 My WW had ONS with one guy and 1 month live-in f**k-fest with another guy. No difference to me. We stayed together because I was weak and stupid. I'd like to think that an ongoing sneaky affair would have been a deal breaker but I can't know for sure. Exactly on point. My STBXW has ONS with a couple of other married guys, plus LTR with a couple other guys. They all sting the same and are all betrayal by choice. And all the guys will probably get the same shovel to the face if I ever run into them. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Exactly on point. My STBXW has ONS with a couple of other married guys, plus LTR with a couple other guys. They all sting the same and are all betrayal by choice. And all the guys will probably get the same shovel to the face if I ever run into them. I half-like your post I really don't understand when a BH feels such vitriol for OM. It was our slutty wives who offered up easy, no-strings sex. Not many guys can turn that down. I do understand that cracking their f'ing skulls open would feel really good, but they were just the guys she happened to pick. Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Somewhat counter-intuitively, a friend of mine whose marriage fell apart after his wife's ONS said it was more debilitating than a LTA. He felt she'd given away so much for so little in return that he could never trust her again. In his words, "I'm scared to have a pizza delivered to the house"... Mr. Lucky I agree. One is no better than the other. A ONS is giving away so much so cheaply. A LTA involves more deceit and malice towards the BS. Is it "better" for a WS to cheat with an AP in which they are emotionally invested, or some meaningless hookup? Each are equally painful but for a different set of reasons. In other words, it is less painful if the WS is in love with AP or not? Think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 No matter the length of the affair or what happened. For it can always of been worse then what did happen. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Which one is worse? A one night stand or a 1 yr A. I ask myself would I have forgiven my H for a drunk one night stand... The 1 yr A has so many lies & betrayal..... This is what my life has come to. Making choices of A..... ugh!! How did I get here For me the LTA is much worse because of how far and how deep that kind of betrayal goes on for years. I can't look at pictures or talk about ANY of our memories from that time period because it is all false to me now. If my WH had a ONS I may have been able to understand it better but to have almost a year long affair at DDay and then take it underground for another 2. That is just low down and dirty. I would have preferred my WH left me for the MOW. I was hospitalized twice because I kept finding broken NC and it just annihilated my self esteem, I actually had a breakdown. He still continued the A though seeing that I had fallen apart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 There is no quantifiable objective answer to this question. Pain is personal. Arguing about which one is objectively worse is dumb, IMO 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 There is no quantifiable objective answer to this question. Pain is personal. Arguing about which one is objectively worse is dumb, IMO This is so very true. I read the pain of other BS on another site. Many have the same level of pain even with EA's with no PA. It is such a wide spectrum. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 This is so very true. I read the pain of other BS on another site. Many have the same level of pain even with EA's with no PA. It is such a wide spectrum. I think we all have certain things that are very personal to US. For example, for some people, porn is no biggie. But after being starved of sex and intimacy for a long time, when I caught my ex looking at pornography, I was crushed...because he had a willing wife next to him, but he looked at pictures instead. For people who have trouble letting down their emotional walls and getting close (like a friend of mine), the emotional closeness of an EA might be more crushing than the sex act. It's all relative. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
i am gutted Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 For me the LTA is much worse because of how far and how deep that kind of betrayal goes on for years. I can't look at pictures or talk about ANY of our memories from that time period because it is all false to me now. If my WH had a ONS I may have been able to understand it better but to have almost a year long affair at DDay and then take it underground for another 2. That is just low down and dirty. I would have preferred my WH left me for the MOW. I was hospitalized twice because I kept finding broken NC and it just annihilated my self esteem, I actually had a breakdown. He still continued the A though seeing that I had fallen apart. I have found photos of our "family" lying around too and now its like what a sham.......he there smiling away looking "normal" and all the time screwing around. breaks my heart Link to post Share on other sites
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