Trial Separation

[iamhopeful]

To cut a very long story short, I cheated on my husband (had a 2-month affair with a stranger - it was sexual). My H and I had an LDR (he lives in another city because of our business) for more than 2 years now. When my husband found out, I ended my A right away. I was shocked when my H told me that he also had an affair and even got a newborn son (just this April). It's been 2 months of NC with the OM. After telling him EVERYTHING about my A, he told me that he cannot forgive me forever, and I thought our marriage is over. My husband had asked his parents and sister to take care of the baby and the OW went back to our home-based office, where my husband lives. My husband told me that they ended their relationship. I tried to ask him about his A but he said that his A is one of his "triggers".

 

He went home last week and spent time with the kids. Whenever he talks about my A, he gets mad and throws hurtful words and talks about separation. I told him that I don't want to separate. He suggested that we will have no physical contact for a few months because every time we talk about my A and his, he explodes and he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I told him that it's alright with me but the thing that makes me anxious and depressed is that the OW is with him PHYSICALLY. He told me that he doesn't love her and that the OW is part of his healing process of my A because every time he thinks about my A, the OW tells him that he has to control his rage because they also had sinned. He also told me that they don't have any relationship at all anymore - sexual, whatever. Part of me is telling me to believe what my husband had told me and the other part is telling me to contact the OW. Who should I believe??

 

He said that our trial separation will help me process my feelings about the OM. He asked me "what ifs" questions that I was not able to answer. My husband asked me what are my feelings for the OM. He asked me will I get angry if I meet the OM or will I rekindle our A. Told him that I'm not longing for the OM anymore and even didn't think about anything related to my A. I don't feel any anger towards the OM - only regrets - regrets that I had the A. I was thinking that maybe I'm not mad at anyone (even to my husband) because I'm taking all the blame of my A and my husband's.

 

I lost a few pounds in a month and my husband told me that I need to eat because it worries him of my sudden weight loss. I asked him if he still loves me but he said that he doesn't want to answer my question because I may use it against him. Does it mean that he still loves me? He said that he needs to have a reservation of his feelings because I may be too confident to demand anything from him. Also asked him to assign the OW to another office to at least help me not to be very anxious and depressed. He said that he is looking for other office staff so that he can transfer the OW to another office/city.

 

I'm very confused right now. I don't know what to do. I suggested to have counseling together but he said that he doesn't need it because he knows what he's doing and feeling. He told me that I need to really evaluate my feelings for the OM. He doesn't want to forgive me yet while I'm still in a limbo because I may choose the OM over him and it's something he cannot accept.

 

Will individual counseling help me go through trial separation? Or will it make me move on without my husband? I'm afraid that since my husband told me that the OW is part of his healing process, I may give up on our marriage and it may be too late when my husband forgives me of my A.

 

I need help.

[Yasuandio]

Hey girl, don't ever forget he pro-created with this OW way before you stepped out of line.

 

You didn't engage in a sex-oriented affair just out of the blue. Something was missing, there was a reason. Not that such makes it OK (see "Love Must Be Tough," by Dobson), but keep the historical facts and dates in perspective, at ALL times. Don't get gas-lighted. Him having an infant out there is very hard to get past (maybe not now, at this moment of regret, you're feeling). But I promise you, that baby in the picture is going to be a pain in your gut over time. And that is HIS CHILD. He is responsible for this child he brought into the world.

 

If there was ever a good time for No Contact to "get in touch with yourself," this is the time. You turned to someone else. Take this time to reflect and learn why. Deep down, your husband was giving something to another woman that should have been given to you. It will take a long time to get that. He can thank himself for creating the opportunity - now, that is just my assumption and opinion based on unique experience.

 

You have to stop wanting him now. It has to be about you and YOUR kids only. I hope you go that way, fearlessly. You can do it. He is the one that is afraid. I suggest you do not talk about this anymore with him. It all speaks for itself.

 

And, of course, please wait to hear other's opinions. This site is great - many have outstanding and varied insight. Find the combination of advice that is best for you.

 

Yas

[iamhopeful]

I'm very confused what to do first. Where should I start? Should I prove to my H that I don't have 'lingering' feelings for the OM anymore? Should I do my part to let my H trust me again to help him recover from my A faster? Should I help myself first instead? Is it a good idea for me to have an individual counseling?

 

The kids are with me. My H told me that we will communicate thru chat, text and calls until his fears and doubts are cleared. The fact that the OW is with him, no matter how many times they told me that there are no strings attached, I can't focus on anything. I cry every single day because my H doesn't understand the pain I'm going thru. My mom is old and she has her own life in the province while my sister is pregnant and I don't want her to feel any negative emotions because it will affect her baby.

[Yasuandio]

Honey, let's get something straight right now. I know this is going to be painful, but it is also, painfully obvious. While you are fretting about this and that, and caring about your husband's feelings - do you realize he is popping this woman as you read this? Think about it. He is out of town with the "new" mother of his child, you really believe she stays away? Right. She is clinging to him like a vine, while you are sweating bullets - your husband's ego is inflated huger than a Goodyear balloon.

 

1. Yes, IC for you ASAP

 

2. Screw U 2 him - No Contact (only put the kids on the phone)

 

3. Never talk about your actions (I mean reactions) again. Done.

 

4. Do not talk to him. Do not beg, reason, plead, ask questions, wonder, etc. Take care of you and your children. He is not there. Keep it that way.

 

Now. I'm telling you, this man has a secret life - that you are not a part of. When you start asking questions, that makes trouble for him - and he won't like it. Furthermore - he considers you naive (and maybe dumb). But you are not. The affair gave him a shock he didn't expect, so he is "spinning." He thought you would just continue to be a dummy and live a life withdrawn of a normal partner - and not make any inquiries.

 

Here is the rub. Any answer you get from him will be a complete fabrication and lie - so why bother? He tells you enough to get you psyched out. If you knew the real story - you would divorce him in 2 seconds.

 

If you keep you mouth shut - you might get the real story, with some good detective work. Show up there a 3am and see what you find. But don't get caught. Once you get caught - it is over. He will watch his step. Sometimes people need to see it with their own eyes. You need a rental car, a friend with you, a disguise, wig. But first, background checks on the woman, her address, phone number. His phone number and a complete background check on him.

 

Then - most important - you must keep your mouth shut. If he is at your home, you plant VAR's in rooms where he talks on the phone. That is easy breezy. Put a VAR in the bathrooms too.

 

You need IC and correct information. That is my suggestions. So far. Yas

[No Limit]

You need to get off this mindset that he's a prize. He fathered a baby in the time he was gone - I bet he had started his affair right after moving away from his family, he wanted a double-life. He just doesn't want to deal with negative consequences (child support) while he does.

 

Start the seperation and have him move out. Get an attorney and divorce as well; IC for you and maybe your kids would be better with a few therapy sessions as well while they adjust to the new situation.

 

Take care of yourself and the kids - because he doesn't give a f!ck. And don't worry about him cheating, you most likely unconsciously responded to his behavior and he's mad because his ego took a big blow from it. You were supposed to be his doormat while he is out having fun - you weren't allowed to be having fun. The audacity... take his a$s to court.

 

And of course he's with OW because likely she didn't know about you. He's done damage control on you, now he tries to manipulate her.

Don't be fooled like she was - fight.

[Yasuandio]

No Limit is correct. Time to get an attorney - don't kid yourself. The facts (some of them) are right in your face. Imagine what "you don't know!" Holy Crap.

 

He must be a real dummy to have got the girl preggo on top of it. What about your kids? Do you think really think this girl is gonna walk away quietly to another office location? He has to pay child support and raise this child - that is what he got himself into.

 

Please listen to the forum. This guy is in a mess. You have to extridite yourself. How will you feel in the future when he is attending his "other" family events? Like dirt, a worthless doormat. That is how you will feel. You'll say to yourself, "What about us? Our family?" That is what you will be singing until the cows come home to roost.

 

I am so sorry, it is terrible. However, bear this in mind. You must be much younger that many of us - and there is time for you to create another happy family and find a normal spouse. It is wise to try to find the good in the bad. This is the only thing you can do.

 

And yes, those kids will need IC support also. It will be a confusing matter to have web a 1/2 sibling most likely introduced to your children at some point in time. Really a mess up. Big time. Probably one of the biggest and most unforgivable mess-ups, actually. We are here for you. Yas

[iamhopeful]

I really appreciate all your thoughts on my situation but maybe I have different plans because of my culture. I'm a Filipino and most Filipina wives are 'martyrs' aka 'doormat'. I want to try to make our marriage work. I've been praying for miracles and many positive things had happened as hoped. My mom is a very religious person and this situation also happened to her. I know that God has a better plan for our family. I just need strength and hope until we'll be okay. I know that I have to use my mind on this but everytime I try to do the things in my mind, something happens that stops me from doing it. I've lift up everything to God and I'm just focusing on taking care of my kids and myself. I'll do the IC for myself. My kids don't know anything about the baby. We're not telling them yet because they won't understand. I hope you can include me in your prayers that I keep my sanity and that I'll have the strength and hope to surpass this trial..

[No Limit]

In your other thread however you wrote that you aren't dependant on your husband, so why not leave? You can't make him desire you because his affair fantasy world is a thousand times better, even more so because you hurt his ego by having an affair. A God won't help you, you have to help yourself. And yes, as long as women stand by they will always be treated the way you and your mother were, and even if you can't make a difference for the women in your country - if you start doing what you want, there's at least 1 more happy woman out there. Besides, this situation is damaging your children as well - do you think they appreciate to be #2 to their own father?

[Yasuandio]

You said in your post, you need help.

 

With the position you intend to take, culturally speaking, I can recommend one site that might assist you. You can find the links to the "Divorce-Busters" site in the Pinned thread at the top of the Divorce and Separation forum, called "Critical Readings for Separation and Divorce." The link is also in my signature line.

 

The Divorce Busters concept and site created by Michelle Weiner Davis, popular Author of book by same name, and "Divorce Remedies." Davis believes most marriages can be saved. You will find an enormous amount of information and support for your desire to "stand by your marriage," in the forum on her website. It is a tremendous learning experience to read the stories of others that have been impacted by the same sort of circustances as you have.

 

Personally, I gave the site, and Davis' points of view and research a very good chance - and did not receive favorable results. Based on my own extensive research, I think there is a time and place for Davis' methodology - it was just not for my situation.

 

This is the type of help you are asking for. Please look up the links, and engage her forum in the Newcomers section. I think it will be very much what you are looking for. Yas

 

(See my post #2 for signature line link).

Edited July 5, 2015 by Yasuandio
Add link citation.

[iamhopeful]

Thank you for all your responses to my post, guys. I've read some of the articles that Yas posted (Divorce Busters) and these helped me a bit. I know that I need to have patience and strength to move on with or without my husband and it will take time. I'm in a roller-coaster ride of emotions but I know, with all the articles and blogs I've been reading as to how I could move on past his A, I'll be able to overcome this.

 

I was trying to follow the Last Resort NC but my H always text me to go online because he wants me to make ads for our business, blah3x. We still communicate through chat because I'm the one managing our business here where my kids are staying. We talk about business and the kids. Sometimes, he talks about my A and gets mad at me. Although it still hurts when he talks about him unable to forgive me and that I am to blame for our situation, the intensity of the pain isn't the same anymore. Because I'm starting to realize that I'm not guilty anymore because I already ended my A and that I can continue with my life, together with my kids, without him. He's telling me that he's mentally tortured because of my A. And I asked him what does he think about me being mentally and emotionally tortured knowing that he's with the OW. He's telling me that he loves me and told him that I still love him but right now, talking about our marriage is a No-No. I'm doing my best to help our business grow because we built this dream together. I'm planning to get a job when I'm done with all the things/backlogs in our business. I don't want to depend on my H anymore. I have a degree in College and I know I can earn my own money to feed and send my 3 little kids to school. If you have any other articles that can help me, please share it with me. Thank you so much, my friends.

[Friskyone4u]

I may have this all wrong, so correct me if that is the case. Your husband has basically told you he will continue his affair relationship with the OW who he fathered a child with while HE decides if he can get over what YOU did for two months.??????

 

If that is the case I think you should tell him he better figure out a way to get over his anger at your affair other than staying in one himself or he can have her on a permanant basis. Talk about being a true bozo, he is the winner.

 

Regardless of your heritage, stop being a martyr and make some firm requirements on him to keep you. I am not condoning what you did, but you appear ready to properly try to reconcile. Seems like he just wants to cake eat.