indecision about a woman

[gandalf]

I am 33 years old and have been seeing a woman for about two months. Having been shy and overweight most of my life it was difficult for me to meet women and have lasting and meaningful relationships with them. That is until I found took up a weight training program about two years ago. In that time and through a lot of hard work and discipline I lost a lot of weight and gained a body that many people compliment me on frequently. It’s really amazing to me how women who would have never even given me the time of day now flirt with me, even ask me out on dates.

 

The problem concerns the lady I am seeing now. She is a really great person… kind, caring, generous, loving… a lot of the things that emotionally I am searching for in a relationship. Our relationship has reached a very serious stage and she talks a lot about a possible future between us even though we both know marriage for her is a long way off, at least until her son graduates from high school in about three years.

 

But the talk of a really long-term relationship gives me the jitters and I have let her know that although I also possible marriage I don’t feel it is in the near-term. Im not really sure I love her that much or that I ever could. I attribute this to the fact that in my whole life I have dated only 4 women where the relationship lasted more than one week at a time.

 

I feel I haven’t dated enough to know for certain if this particular woman is the “right” one for me. I also feel my dating prospect has changed alot and I now feel self-confident enough to ask women out without fear of rejection. What I want is to feel secure enough that the person I am with will feel I am meeting their needs and at the same time be willing to put forth an effort to meet my needs.

 

My overwhelming fear is that I could be losing a great thing now by reaching for an even greater thing that may or may not even exist.

[UK guy]

My first bit of advice to you would be to slow down, you`re getting very carried away in my opinion. Remember you have only been seeing this woman for 2 months. Which isn`t really enough time to learn enough about someone who you are considering marriage with, this may explain your jittery feelings.

 

Marriage is a scary thing for a lot of people, even people who have been going out for years, there can be a great apphrension about it, because it is a big step.

 

I think you have a lot more to learn about this woman before you can really say you want to commit to her. Don`t let these anxieties about marriage get between you and her now at this infancy stage in your relationship or it will surely cause some problems, you may start to resent her.

 

You seem very excited about you new self and are probably wanting to make up for lost time as far as your dating goes, but you can`t have your cake and eat it. You need to decide whether you want to get out there and fly your kite (so to speak), or stick with this present woman and see how it turns out. Patience is a virtue and you seem to be lacking it at the moment, which is understandable.

 

Your past may be coming back on you to a certain extent, but you have to realise that to find the kind of meaningful, secure realationship your seek doesn`t come from dating as many women as you can, it comes from a relationship that is cultivated over time, it could be your first relationship or your sixth.

 

But if you feel the need to get out there, you need to explain to this woman what you want, its not fair to lead her up the garden path.

 

Don`t forget that you reckon it`ll be 3 years down the line before marriage could be a reality, and a lot can happen in three years.

 

All I can really suggest is to slow down, enjoy each day as it comes. Love and security doesn`t come over night. And you need to think carefully about what you want to do with regards to dilemma about dating.

 

Hope I`ve been of some help, you have a lot of issues to consider about your life, don`t think that those feelings you had when overweight are completely gone now that you have a new image. Remember they were with you for a fair part of your life and I think you may still harbour some of them deep down.

 

Your life has been turned right around, with respect to your dating. Women now ask you out. Examine you motives for wanting to date more. Make sure you`re not looking for some kind of revenge on "women" because of resentments that have built up over the years due to there lack of interest in you, because of who you were.

[gandalf]

Thank you for this excellent post. I wasnt expecting something so insightful and helpful from an internet advice website.

 

Alot of what you said has been rolling around my mind for awhile (along with other thoughts and ideas) but your post has helped to filter out the more important aspects of where I am in this relationship. I really appreciate your giving me a refreshing viewpoint on the situation.