Husband Cheated, so I did too

[Confused48]

My husband cheated on me physically with 5 prostitutes during our first year of marriage. He admitted to it last year (we're going on our 5th year of marriage) but I have a secret, too. When I found out I was crushed. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I moved out for 3 months. During that time I developed relationships outside of him. I started texting and calling these guys I was close with. I sent nude pics to them, they sent nudes to me, and we had phone sex. I really can't get the feeling of wanting revenge out of my head.

 

Has anyone else struggled with being cheated on and wanting them to know how it felt? Or just wanting to get revenge secretly?

 

Not secretly. Well maybe at first to get away with it. But then later of course I want to tell.

[66Charger]

Good for you "old guy". I prefer to have patient fun rather than "dialate" my woman. Anyway since you feel its her fault for not "dialating", I will take my leave and let other LS posters tackle that one.

 

"And its deep too". Richard Pryor ha ha

[Morro72]

He was used to having sex with women who were more experienced than I was and it made him feel emasculated that he could not give me orgasms through sex. All of this is what he said, but I have no way of knowing if it is true or not.

I would bet any amount of money that one of the ways in which his other partners were more experienced was in faking orgasms. The hookers were almost certainly doing so. He should not feel inadequate if it takes him more effort to give you a real one than to get some floozie to fake one.

[Lois_Griffin]

He was used to having sex with women who were more experienced than I was and it made him feel emasculated that he could not give me orgasms through sex. All of this is what he said, but I have no way of knowing if it is true or not.

Another one who thinks his magic member is all it takes for a woman to orgasm. Jesus.

 

So let me get this straight. Because he was SO disappointed that he couldn't please YOU (he could have in other ways but apparently has no idea how the female body works) he chose to bang a bunch of prostitutes instead, to make up for YOUR lack of pleasure?

 

Well, alrighty then.

[Lois_Griffin]

I would bet any amount of money that one of the ways in which his other partners were more experienced was in faking orgasms. The hookers were almost certainly doing so. He should not feel inadequate if it takes him more effort to give you a real one than to get some floozie to fake one.

LOL. And you'd win that bet. There are SO many youngins that have gotten their education from porn and hookers and have no clue how to please a woman.

[elaine567]

Another one who thinks his magic member is all it takes for a woman to orgasm. Jesus.

 

 

^^^This is so true.

I would guess most prostitutes orgasm very, very rarely with clients.

Their job is to make men spend money and faking is the rule.

Do not swallow any of that garbage he is using to excuse his actions here.

 

re orgasms with clients

an escort wrote:

"its never happened, not to say it will never happen... but when im working my head is in business mode. Im not attracted to 98 percent of my clients, so im just putting on my performance to make them feel special and sexually satisfied. Im not miserable, but im not even aroused for most of it ahaha"

and another

Never. Personally I don't feel comfortable enough to orgasm when I'm with a client. I'm still waiting for that one client to come along who can make me orgasm.

[autumnnight]

Here's your problem. Your virginity is no excuse for not having PIV for over a year. There are dialators to help with issues of being a virgin and not being able to have sex. Please read "His Needs Her Needs" with him - even if this relationship is over you will want to better understand the difference between men and women.

 

Yes you emasculated him... you can not really understand how important it is for men (particularly young men with less life experience) to be able to sexually please their spouses. It is his issue - but it is also yours because he is your husband.

 

So he made some very poor choices, and it didn't resolve his needs that were not getting met by you. you made poor choices and it didn't improve your relationship.

 

Please work with him and both of you should try to better understand each others point of view. both of you are behaving like children and only seeing your own issues. You let your virginity deprive your husband and yourself of a great beginning of your marriage. He let his marriage suffer through his selfish actions.

 

Look at life through each others eyes. This book will help. Read and discuss and you will be surprised by what you learn.

 

Since you referenced His Needs, Her Needs, maybe you need to take yourself back to Harley and read up on what sacrifice does to a marriage, sexual aversion, and what women need to desire sex.

 

Here's a hint: a porn star bully who pulls out dilators on the wedding night is probably not in that book

 

BTWm where did your jedi master write that no sex was an excuse for an A?

[World's.Edge]

Here's your problem. Your virginity is no excuse for not having PIV for over a year. There are dialators to help with issues of being a virgin and not being able to have sex. Please read "His Needs Her Needs" with him - even if this relationship is over you will want to better understand the difference between men and women.

 

Yes you emasculated him... you can not really understand how important it is for men (particularly young men with less life experience) to be able to sexually please their spouses. It is his issue - but it is also yours because he is your husband.

 

So he made some very poor choices, and it didn't resolve his needs that were not getting met by you. you made poor choices and it didn't improve your relationship.

 

Please work with him and both of you should try to better understand each others point of view. both of you are behaving like children and only seeing your own issues. You let your virginity deprive your husband and yourself of a great beginning of your marriage. He let his marriage suffer through his selfish actions.

 

Look at life through each others eyes. This book will help. Read and discuss and you will be surprised by what you learn.

 

You must be really old to have this type of thinking. I symapthize with the women that grew up in whatever period you're from. You try to shift the blame for his behaviour to her and minimize his actions. He alone is responsible for his choices.

 

It's her fault that he cheated on her? Oh poor him, he must've been so emasculated that he had no other choice but to sleep with prostitues because sex was too painful for his then virgin wife.

 

He knew she was a virgin before marriage and should've been understanding, patient, communicated with her and worked to improve their sexual relationship. This was the woman he chose to love, honour, cherish and spend the rest of his life with.

 

YoungSweetie I think that you should move on. Feelings of wanting revenge aren't uncommon but it probably means that you haven't and will have a hard time moving past his adultery and it will be toxic to both you and your marriage.

 

See a lawyer, file for divorce and work on yourself: exercise, eat healthy, socialize, talk to your friends and family, and maybe see a counsellor to help you work through your feelings over his infidelity.

Edited July 7, 2015 by World's.Edge

[World's.Edge]

Yes you emasculated him... you can not really understand how important it is for men (particularly young men with less life experience) to be able to sexually please their spouses.

 

N.B. Sexually pleasing a woman isn't limited to sexual intercourse, there are other ways, ways that may also facilitate and result in sexual intercourse.

[Male3133]

I would bet any amount of money that one of the ways in which his other partners were more experienced was in faking orgasms. The hookers were almost certainly doing so. He should not feel inadequate if it takes him more effort to give you a real one than to get some floozie to fake one.

 

LOL yes that's funny. My comments above in no way excuse this guys horrible and stupid behaviors and I personally wouldn't put up with it.

[Male3133]

Since you referenced His Needs, Her Needs, maybe you need to take yourself back to Harley and read up on what sacrifice does to a marriage, sexual aversion, and what women need to desire sex.

 

Here's a hint: a porn star bully who pulls out dilators on the wedding night is probably not in that book

 

BTWm where did your jedi master write that no sex was an excuse for an A?

 

Ha ha porn star bully. Funny. Actually a qualified sex therapist suggested this but the dilaters weren't big enough without special ordering more. I tried to get toys the same girth but they were scary as h*ll and 12" long and I didn't want to frighten my wife. She found the fingers to be the best option - her fingers not mine - so she knows when and if she is ready.

 

And you are ignorant about this so I don't blame you for your response.

 

My #1 needs IS sex and I never asserted my needs in my relationship before due to the size problem. However I realize the negative impact on a relationship for ignoring ones needs which is why I insisted we address this. And it is a very easy fix. And do I enjoy PIV much? No, because I am constantly scrutinizing her expressions and reactions to be sure she isn't hiding discomfort. Because couples who care about each other do things for one another and sometimes just "suck it up" and I don't want that.

However - avoiding the problem as OP did is not a good solution which was our original mistake (though I am not a DB and didn't cheat and never would)

[Male3133]

You must be really old to have this type of thinking. I symapthize with the women that grew up in whatever period you're from. You try to shift the blame for his behaviour to her and minimize his actions. He alone is responsible for his choices.

 

It's her fault that he cheated on her? Oh poor him, he must've been so emasculated that he had no other choice but to sleep with prostitues because sex was too painful for his then virgin wife.

 

He knew she was a virgin before marriage and should've been understanding, patient, communicated with her and worked to improve their sexual relationship. This was the woman he chose to love, honour, cherish and spend the rest of his life with.

 

YoungSweetie I think that you should move on. Feelings of wanting revenge aren't uncommon but it probably means that you haven't and will have a hard time moving past his adultery and it will be toxic to both you and your marriage.

 

See a lawyer, file for divorce and work on yourself: exercise, eat healthy, socialize, talk to your friends and family, and maybe see a counsellor to help you work through your feelings over his infidelity.

 

I'm sorry if you have had bad relationships on the past, but you are reading things into my post that are not there.

 

The wedding night was not one year long. You comments are disingenuous.

 

His behavior was abhorrent but I was not commenting on him.

 

He was emasculated and she said so. I never expressed my opinion on whether he SHOULD have felt that way, but I certainly strongly hinted about what my opinion was.

 

You would be shocked to learn that old guys sometimes are actually MORE in tune with emotions and are more sensitive as testosterone declines and emotions are more easily accessed.

 

Just because I am empathetic doesn't mean I can't also be direct and honest. That is the basis of a good relationship.

[autumnnight]

Ha ha porn star bully. Funny. Actually a qualified sex therapist suggested this but the dilaters weren't big enough without special ordering more. I tried to get toys the same girth but they were scary as h*ll and 12" long and I didn't want to frighten my wife. She found the fingers to be the best option - her fingers not mine - so she knows when and if she is ready.

 

And you are ignorant about this so I don't blame you for your response.

 

My #1 needs IS sex and I never asserted my needs in my relationship before due to the size problem. However I realize the negative impact on a relationship for ignoring ones needs which is why I insisted we address this. And it is a very easy fix. And do I enjoy PIV much? No, because I am constantly scrutinizing her expressions and reactions to be sure she isn't hiding discomfort. Because couples who care about each other do things for one another and sometimes just "suck it up" and I don't want that.

However - avoiding the problem as OP did is not a good solution which was our original mistake (though I am not a DB and didn't cheat and never would)

 

Oh I am most certainly NOT ignorant. I get more than you can probably imagine. And FTR, sex was always my #1 need too. You are just flat wrong in your interpretation of the good Doctor's book. You don't force your spouse to meet your needs. And you don't use the threat of cheating to do it either.

 

Bottom line, nothing justifies cheating. Anything else is just fluff.

[Male3133]

Oh I am most certainly NOT ignorant. I get more than you can probably imagine. And FTR, sex was always my #1 need too. You are just flat wrong in your interpretation of the good Doctor's book. You don't force your spouse to meet your needs. And you don't use the threat of cheating to do it either.

 

Bottom line, nothing justifies cheating. Anything else is just fluff.

 

 

 

I'm sorry you one again find yourself reading your experiences into my posts. It's unfortunate and you are unable to see that you are wrong.

 

I have no idea why you would believe I would force anything in my wife. Only your experience I guess.

 

A relationship has 2 sides but it is ALWAYS your responsibility to communicate your needs. Please go back and re read the book. I have my copy here.

 

OP if you are unable to have sex with your spouse due to pain etc, this is solvable and your dr should also be able to help. Your biggest problem might be if you are unable to get fully aroused which is part of the process that results in you being able to accommodate him. Arousal can be very difficult if you don't trust him or have issues with him due to his infidelity and if you two aren't communicating and have a living, trusting relationship. That could be the real problem that needs to be addressed first.

[autumnnight]

I'm sorry you one again find yourself reading your experiences into my posts. It's unfortunate and you are unable to see that you are wrong.

 

I have no idea why you would believe I would force anything in my wife. Only your experience I guess.

 

A relationship has 2 sides but it is ALWAYS your responsibility to communicate your needs. Please go back and re read the book. I have my copy here.

 

OP if you are unable to have sex with your spouse due to pain etc, this is solvable and your dr should also be able to help. Your biggest problem might be if you are unable to get fully aroused which is part of the process that results in you being able to accommodate him. Arousal can be very difficult if you don't trust him or have issues with him due to his infidelity and if you two aren't communicating and have a living, trusting relationship. That could be the real problem that needs to be addressed first.

 

So...what does Surviving an Affair say about cheating because your wife is a virgin? I must have missed that chapter.....

 

OP, there is nothing excusable about his choosing to cheat, and while understandable, your cheating in response was not the right answer either.

 

I assume, unless I read your posts wrong, that you ARE, in fact, able to have sex with your H now, so this whole "it's your fault because you don't have intercourse" mantra is moot.

 

If the two of you want to go forward together, I think that being completely transparent, working to meet each other's needs, and trying to move forward is probably the best course of action.

 

I'm sorry you one again find yourself reading your experiences into my posts.

 

Oh, and I do not believe I specified my experience.

[Male3133]

Hmmmmm on reflection perhaps my comment about shopping for toys left some to think I believe a man can solve this issue. That's not the case; in my situation, my wife is uncomfortable in toy shops so it us my job to bring her toy options. Probably due to our age - when we started the shops that had vibrators were pretty creepy and filled with pervy characters. I happen to believe many women enjoy controlling their own pleasure and am interested in doing what I can to ensure her needs are met. A lot of guys my age are (unfortunately) intimidated by vibrators and guys of all ages seem to think PIV and vaginal orgasms are more important and more easily achievable than they actually are to many women. That's why communication is so important.

[autumnnight]

Hmmmmm on reflection perhaps my comment about shopping for toys left some to think I believe a man can solve this issue. That's not the case; in my situation, my wife is uncomfortable in toy shops so it us my job to bring her toy options. Probably due to our age - when we started the shops that had vibrators were pretty creepy and filled with pervy characters. I happen to believe many women enjoy controlling their own pleasure and am interested in doing what I can to ensure her needs are met. A lot of guys my age are (unfortunately) intimidated by vibrators and guys of all ages seem to think PIV and vaginal orgasms are more important and more easily achievable than they actually are to many women. That's why communication is so important.

 

THIS is good stuff. If all men felt this way about helping their wives realize what could be, I bet it WOULD solve a lot of problems.

[World's.Edge]

I'm sorry if you have had bad relationships on the past

Uhm, okay:confused:?.. not sure where this is from, random but whatever.

 

The wedding night was not one year long. You comments are disingenuous.

Well no one said that the wedding night was a year long. It took about a year for YoungSweetie to be able to have sexual intercourse with her husband. In that year she performed oral sex on him, however she doesn't mention any effort on his part in engaging her in any other sexual activites.

 

He could have been physically intimate with her in other ways, as well as taken the time to learn her body and also how to arouse her. This would have allowed him to please her sexually and probably would've accelerated the time it took for her to be able to have sexual intercourse with him.

 

She mentions that had been with other women before and was 27 years old at the time so it's not like his experience was limited.

 

He was emasculated and she said so. I never expressed my opinion on whether he SHOULD have felt that way, but I certainly strongly hinted about what my opinion was.

She said that that's what he told her but expressed doubt at its truthfulness. You took it as fact..

Yes you emasculated him

 

.. and basically went on tirade, one where you blamed, condemed and faulted her.

 

You would be shocked to learn that old guys sometimes are actually MORE in tune with emotions and are more sensitive as testosterone declines and emotions are more easily accessed.

No that wouldn't shock me, though it shouldn't have to take an advancement in age and a decrease in testosterone for one to be sensitive and in tune with their emotions.

 

Just because I am empathetic doesn't mean I can't also be direct and honest. That is the basis of a good relationship.

You didn't come across as empathetic or direct and honest. That may have been your intention but to me your post came across as mysogynistic.

 

You must be really old to...whatever period you're from.

This was probably unnecessary on my end so I apologize for this.

[Elias33]

Well...this thread escalated quickly....

 

Back on topic, he cheated 5 times, not once, but 5. That must be very hard to swallow. And your reaction to this was equally distructive. When the relationship was in red alert, you both went the opposite way (of course you did it as a response to his actions).

 

Can there ever be trust again? That is the question that need answered. And since both of you have broken each other's trust, it has now become much more complicated.

 

Tough situation, but "love" alone will not fix this. I hope things will be better for you soon.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Ha ha porn star bully. Funny. Actually a qualified sex therapist suggested this but the dilaters weren't big enough without special ordering more.

 

Dude,

 

I held back as long as I could but this is just over the top. I'm 6" girth as you "claim" you are. I doubt it bc I can tell you that in all my years I've only once met a woman that can't accommodate that within ten to fifteen minutes of foreplay. Or maybe you aren't doing it right? You blow me away with your BS.

[spanz1]

i might might be wrong, but if you moved out- supposing you two were "separated" -i don't see how that was cheating on your part.

 

I agree with that. especially if it was only cyber or phone sex and no actual physical sex. You are being way too hard on yourself. You moved out and where in a bad place mentally, and were surprised/happy to find other men really like you and wanted your body. You never signed up to be a nun!

[katielee]

If someone else's actions have the power to make you betray your own values just to teach them a lesson or try to make you feel better then you have a lot of therapy to do.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Has anyone else struggled with being cheated on and wanting them to know how it felt? Or just wanting to get revenge secretly?

 

 

Hun, we all have.

[Male3133]

Dude,

 

I held back as long as I could but this is just over the top. I'm 6" girth as you "claim" you are. I doubt it bc I can tell you that in all my years I've only once met a woman that can't accommodate that within ten to fifteen minutes of foreplay. Or maybe you aren't doing it right? You blow me away with your BS.

 

To each his own. My wife had surgery also with childbirth but she had problems long before that. Still working through it. A lot of women have these issues. And 6" is actually kind of big.

[66Charger]

How did this thread turn from a young woman in trouble, to some delusional geazer with a magnifying glass?