it is the beginning of the end ?

[IWillBeZFine]

I have known MM for over 2 years. I didn’t know he is married until it was too late. I broke it off last year. There was a DDay two months after I broke it off, but we ended up back together again.

 

He has been married over 10 years. He told me he wanted to get divorced and get rid of the dead weight and expense for years, but couldn’t afford it. (I know it sounds old). When he showed me the amount of credit card debt she ran up I was shocked. At one point, he had to take out money from his 401k to take the debt down, but she still maintains the same spending habit. I told him I understand the financial situation he is in, but I am not going to keep investing in this relationship if there isn’t a future between us. I was ready to leave.

 

A few months ago, he told me he had already seen an attorney and he also talked to his financial adviser, the advice he received is that he needs to take the debt down. He also need to have his duck in row financially (set cash fund aside for the attorney fee and extra money he can live with and protect his assesses etc.) before filing. He told me the timeline is based on the amount of debt and money he needs to accumulate to prepare him for divorce. He said he is ready to leave because he can't live his life like this for another decade. He asked me to believe in him.

 

Let’s just say based on the timeline, the earliest he can file will be next year. I was not happier after he gave me the timeline. I actually feel more depressed thinking of the long road ahead. Nevertheless, I agreed to stay and wait for him to make it happen so we can have a normal relationship. However, in the past a couple months there were constantly fights because I feel depressed thinking about how long I need to wait for him just to finally file for divorce and I was insecure and worried he would change his mind, so there were lots of tensions.

 

At the same time, there were something happened with his company and he got laid off last month. He told me he was depressed out his mind thinking of the debt, mortgage, expenses he needs to pay monthly. He said he can only survive a few months and he needs to find a job asap. He texted/called less and less and we actually haven’t seen each other for weeks. He said he tried not to call or text because we gonna just ended up fighting and he can’t take on more stress. He also said he feels he is not mentally stable and will just take it out on me if we talk.

 

Feeling I am losing him gradually, I asked him if he still plans to file divorce within the timeline he gave me. ( I know stupid) . He said if he can’t find a job soon, money would be a big issue. I then asked him if he still see a future between us, he said yes but he needs to get his **** together and get a job first. He said he needs a break from the dramas. I know I should give him space to sort things out, but on the other hand, I get insecure and worried when I don’t hear from.

I called him today and let him know, I will give him space to sort things out and get the job situation resolve. I asked him to be positive and promised me not to shut down. He said he will do better not to make me upset. We ended the conversation on a relative term - no yelling/screaming.

 

I don’t know what I need or can do to salvage the relationship or if this relationship is salvageable at all. I genuinely care about this man and wanted to have a normal relationship with him. Our relationship was heading to the right direction, but with what has happened in the past a couple of money and the loss of his job, I don’t know if it is the beginning of the end of this relationship.

 

I am really depressed and don't what to do.

Edited July 4, 2015 by IWillBeZFine

[jwi71]

I have known MM for over 2 years. I didn’t know he is married until it was too late. I broke it off last year. There was a DDay two months after I broke it off, but we ended up back together again.

 

Why didn't he leave after d-day? Seems like the perfect opportunity no?

Why stay in the M you are planning to leave? And, do you think his M was a pleasure cruise AFTER d-day? Of course not! His staying doesn't make sense to me.

 

 

He has been married over 10 years. He told me he wanted to get divorced and get rid of the dead weight and expense for years, but couldn’t afford it. (I know it sounds old). When he showed me the amount of credit card debt she ran up I was shocked. At one point, he had to take out money from his 401k to take the debt down, but she still maintains the same spending habit. I told him I understand the financial situation he is in, but I am not going to keep investing in this relationship if there isn’t a future between us. I was ready to leave.

 

Just so Im clear....he stays because of money. And he has debt that the W he wants to live continues to run up. Am I only the only seeing the cycle never ends as HE presents it? HE cant leave due to debts that his W racks up. Huh? Sorry, but that is a stupid situation to be in. In fact, depending on locale, he may be able to cut that debt in HALF through something I like to call D. And that would also prevent NEW debts no?

 

He has an odd way of solving his problem.

 

A few months ago, he told me he had already seen an attorney and he also talked to his financial adviser, the advice he received is that he needs to take the debt down. He also need to have his duck in row financially (set cash fund aside for the attorney fee and extra money he can live with and protect his assesses etc.) before filing. He told me the timeline is based on the amount of debt and money he needs to accumulate to prepare him for divorce. He said he is ready to leave because he can't live his life like this for another decade. He asked me to believe in him.

 

Has he considered bankruptcy? That would help.

 

But really...he doesnt seem to be taking VERIFIABLE steps...just what he told you. And he already kinda left out a small detail at the start right - the whole being M thing. I'd call that a lie. A whopper nonetheless.

 

Let’s just say based on the timeline, the earliest he can file will be next year. I was not happier after he gave me the timeline. I actually feel more depressed thinking of the long road ahead. Nevertheless, I agreed to stay and wait for him to make it happen so we can have a normal relationship. However, in the past a couple months there were constantly fights because I feel depressed thinking about how long I need to wait for him just to finally file for divorce and I was insecure and worried he would change his mind, so there were lots of tensions.

 

I would be worried too. Can he PROVE what he says? Lets just say its a case of "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me".

 

At the same time, there were something happened with his company and he got laid off last month. He told me he was depressed out his mind thinking of the debt, mortgage, expenses he needs to pay monthly. He said he can only survive a few months and he needs to find a job asap. He texted/called less and less and we actually haven’t seen each other for weeks. He said he tried not to call or text because we gonna just ended up fighting and he can’t take on more stress. He also said he feels he is not mentally stable and will just take it out on me if we talk.

 

Call HR and verify his employment dates there...just sound like you are HR from another company. Totally routine - and you'd know if he was being honest.

 

Because your dream man has a severe honesty issue. Trust but verify you know?

 

Feeling I am losing him gradually, I asked him if he still plans to file divorce within the timeline he gave me. ( I know stupid) . He said if he can’t find a job soon, money would be a big issue. I then asked him if he still see a future between us, he said yes but he needs to get his **** together and get a job first. He said he needs a break from the dramas. I know I should give him space to sort things out, but on the other hand, I get insecure and worried when I don’t hear from.

 

Yes, the loss of income is bad (provided its true). And he would certainly need to recover - especially given how his W racks up these debts (are you sure its only her?)

 

One might say...MM claims finances are a problem - but not HIS, his W keeps running up debt that he was advised to pay down. Which is the complete opposite advice I was given when I went through in my D. But anyways. Now he has lost his job. What could be happening is....he needs to back burner you to fix his M (a W learning of a cheating H is no small problem to fix) until things calm down enough to re-ignite things with you. And he can lose his job to buy time. Please note I dont know if this is true. And given the lies he told you (by omission) and to his W...some verification is in order.

 

I don’t know what I need or can do to salvage the relationship or if this relationship is salvageable at all. I genuinely care about this man and wanted to have a normal relationship with him. Our relationship was heading to the right direction, but with what has happened in the past a couple of money and the loss of his job, I don’t know if it is the beginning of the end of this relationship.

 

I saw this as gently as possible. ITs an A. While a R in one sense, its not anywhere near a "normal R". The fear is, if you lose sight of the true nature of it (a secret A) that you old on longer. Which prolongs the hurt.

 

I am really depressed and don't what to do.

 

My advice...run. You won't. So verify. Verify what he told you is the truth.

 

And now begin to think. Not feel. Think your way through this. Would you tolerate these behaviors from a single man?

 

A healthy R is not secret. It does not, by its nature, hurt the participants or others. This fails that.

 

Be wary.

[still_an_Angel]

I would look more into the financial side of his separation if I were you. I'm not in the US so you probably need to check on the channels of separation. Where I am, the first thing to do is file for Legal Separation so debts after filing incurred by either party will not go under conjugal debts. He said his W racked up all the debts and he has to pay them, surely there are ways to stop her from making more? (cut up the credit card, close the account & make arrangements with the credit card company to pay off the balance, etc, etc)

 

 

I don't know about that advice from the financial adviser, sure everyone has to get their ducks in a row financially & protect the assets but you have to stop the bleeding as the first call. What has he done to stop her, and him for that matter, from incurring more debts? There are a lot more about this story than what has been said, but that advise doesn't make sense.

 

 

And as jwi71 said, there are ways to check if his employment has finished. Be cautious though, if you pretend to call as an HR person yourself and his employment is current, you might be placing him in an awkward position alarming his employer that he has applied for other jobs. Is there a way to contact anybody in his workplace and pretend you're a customer who has received excellent service from him so you want to deal with him again? (something like that)

 

 

You need peace from the drama too. Look more into this situation and do a lot of thinking, look at it from a third party's POV, might help you get clarity. I'm not involved and can only pick out points from what you have written, I am sure there is so much more into this and only you would know or can find out. A lot of what he has said doesn't sit well for starters.

 

 

And the fact that he is slowly withdrawing is not a good sign. If he considers himself in a relationship with you and not just an affair, he would reach out to you for emotional support during a time like this when he is in crisis.

[RoseVille]

His excuse about finances doesn't make any sense, as the way to stop himself from incurring full debt is to file for separation. He can also close cards if he's on them.

 

Absent a prenup, he's only liable for half of what she's racked up. The fastest way to stop the debt is to get out of the marriage.

[wizer]

He deceived you about being married, he's broken his vows to a woman who he promised a lifetime commitment, and now he's depressed and jobless and he has no concrete plans about ending his marriage.

 

I'm going to gently suggest you can do better. A LOT better.

[finally43]

He told you it was ALL his wife who has run up the bills? Showing you credit card statements doesn't prove anything except people are buying things. If he really was trying to pay down his debts, there would be no credit cards and he would have separated his money from his wife's.

 

He wants an OW who doesn't pressure him. He wants an OW who will just be his happy place. He doesn't want to fight with you - he wants you to just accept all that he tells you.

 

I guess I don't understand when you say that when you found out that he was lying to you about being married, it was "too late"? Too late for what?

 

You have invested way too much time in a guy who isn't leaving (at least not from what I can surmise from what you have posted). He is going to extend the 'timeline' when it gets closer. Cut your losses and stop waiting for this guy to be in a non-affair relationship with you. I really doubt it will ever happen. Let him go and let him deal with his marriage and 'financial' situation.

[whichwayisup]

He's lying to you! He lied to you from day one about being married!

 

I highly doubt the debt is all his wife's fault. Most MM minimize their faults in the marriage and blame their wives for everything. Sounds like this is what he's done. If he wanted to divorce, he would just do it! He hasn't and he's not going to, even more so now that he has no job, he's stressed out etc..

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is end it and go complete no contact, tell him to call you when he's divorced and free to date you in a proper way. You deserve better and right now he can't give you what you want.

[Popsicle]

I think you should move on. If he finds his way out of this (unlikely) then he knows how to find you.

[oldshirt]

Read through the post you wrote and count the number of times you wrote, "he said..." or, "he told me.." or that he was telling you about something that someone else told him etc etc

 

 

Anyone can say anything. It is our actions and behaviors that count and that make us who and what we are.

 

 

I personally know a gal that burned up 10 years of her 20s hanging on to hope that her MM was going to leave his wife for her. He never did and by the time she wised up she was 30+ years old with no real dating experience and no real relationship experience other than being some cheating husbands, fck toy. He was able to do this because she believed what he said every time he had an excuse as to why he wasn't leaving his wife that particular day/week/month/year.

 

 

Here's the key - never go by someone's words or what they say, and especially don't go by what they say they are GOING TO DO.

Only go by what you know they have actually done. Words mean nothing, actions mean everything.

 

 

Date men that are single or divorced. Not the ones that say their marriage is bad and they are going to get divorced. Someone saying they are going to get divorced, means they are married. When someone has gotten a divorce, then they aren't married. It's that frick'n simple.

 

 

Here's a simple formula -

 

 

-Someone has done something (action or behavior) = they have accomplished that thing.

 

 

- someone says they are going to do something ( I call it the "the gonna's") = it means they haven't done it yet and it don't mean squat.

 

 

Never go by what someone says they are gonna do again. Only judge them on their past accomplishments.

 

 

I can tell you I am going to be tall, rich, handsome, well hung, educated, sophisticated and rescue puppies. But until I actually accomplish those things it means I am short, poor, ugly, tiny dck, ignorant and haven't saved a single puppy in my life.

 

 

Remember that.

[oldshirt]

..... And just an FYI, if his wife was still currently running up debt and spending money, his attorney would NOT advise him to wait a year, he would try to rush through the legal separation and divorce to get him out of the marriage and away from her as fast as possible. If someone is still accruing dept, the other person's attorney would try to get them legally separated from that person as possible to stop the financial bleeding for their client. He is BSing you to keep you hanging on.

[wizer]

..... And just an FYI, if his wife was still currently running up debt and spending money, his attorney would NOT advise him to wait a year, he would try to rush through the legal separation and divorce to get him out of the marriage and away from her as fast as possible. If someone is still accruing dept, the other person's attorney would try to get them legally separated from that person as possible to stop the financial bleeding for their client. He is BSing you to keep you hanging on.

 

Truth.

 

....

[MyNameIsNotSusan]

If you end conversations screaming and yelling or if your relationship involves any sort of screaming or yelling, why would he or you for that matter want to pursue this further? Folks get out of relationships because of screaming and yelling.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

If you end conversations screaming and yelling or if your relationship involves any sort of screaming or yelling, why would he or you for that matter want to pursue this further? Folks get out of relationships because of screaming and yelling.

 

I had the same thought. Who would want to pursue a future when the relationship already involves that? THAT is the biggest red flag I see. You are receiving a lot of advice regarding the truth of what he's telling you, my thought while reading your OP was, what man would want to work for a future with a woman who wasn't supportive of him when the chips were down. If I lost my job and was worried about losing my home, or the assets I had worked my whole life for and someone/anyone, including a friend was so needy and dramatic that they would add stress to my life, I would be reevaluating that relationship post haste! Add to that the fact that you communicate with each other by screaming and yelling even occasionally, it doesn't sound like there would be even a chance at a healthy relationship. What man, getting out of a bad relationship would want that?

[wizer]

If you end conversations screaming and yelling or if your relationship involves any sort of screaming or yelling, why would he or you for that matter want to pursue this further? Folks get out of relationships because of screaming and yelling.

 

Yes, as surprising as it may sound, what this poster wrote is correct. People sometimes wake up and think to themselves "there's got to be something better than all of this fighting".

 

And they pull the plug.

 

Others seem to think constant fighting is normal in a relationship and never consider alternatives.

[RainDown]

No. Just, no. This person is not relationship material. He lies, he cheats, he's a financial mess, and he's unemployed.

 

Why on earth would you want to inherit all that on purpose??? Trust me, if this man gets divorced, the one who will be miserable is you.