Sickening feeling you get when you think of your ex having sex with others

[whichwayisup]

Hmm I see. Maybe I'm just selfish and bitter.

 

This is pain and ego talking here. You're not over her yet, not even close.

 

One day you will feel totally indifferent and wish her well and not look back, you won't care about who she sleeps with/dates etc as she will be a past memory.

 

Anyway, it's about both. It's about losing her and my ego, but mainly it's about my ego. My OP is specifically target towards my feelings. I just want to know how to alleviate these feelings since I'm having such a hard time dealing with it. I refuse to be as a vilified for what happened between us. Trust me, I do a pretty good job of that on my own.

 

Don't let your ego take so much control over your head and heart. Time to check your ego, be more humble and at peace.

 

Question, does your ego get in the way of work, friendships, etc and how you relate to people in general? Just curious.

[Jonp219]

This is pain and ego talking here. You're not over her yet, not even close.

 

One day you will feel totally indifferent and wish her well and not look back, you won't care about who she sleeps with/dates etc as she will be a past memory.

 

 

Don't let your ego take so much control over your head and heart. Time to check your ego, be more humble and at peace.

 

Question, does your ego get in the way of work, friendships, etc and how you relate to people in general? Just curious.

 

Yes it does. It's part of the reason I haven't dated much in my life or attempt to date now. I'm preoccupied with what people may think of me or perceive me as. Ego got in the way of my relationship too, it was a minor contributor, but still there. And now I'm just hurting, it's all coming from me but I can't stop it.

[casey.lives]

been there, done that

[Gloria25]

Love is truly a powerful thing, it could make you move mountains.

 

Nah, I believe that's what my fav podcaster alludes to - when it comes to the relationships between men, their mums and their women...

 

My fav podcaster believes men look up to their mums and when his woman takes over, she makes him "rise to the occasion". So, what your ex did was what a woman is supposed to do - inspire you to become a man.

 

I guess she was really a special "someone"?

 

I just wonder why it didn't work out...

[JollyDays]

Honestly Jon, I used to think like that, but then I realized that there wasn't anything I could do to control her body, nor do I want to control her body. She's free to do whatever, and so are you. Time to get back into the world and meet other people, and when you do find a new love, recognize that it's okay to hold a little piece of your ex in your heart.

Edited July 5, 2015 by JollyDays

[Jonp219]

Nah, I believe that's what my fav podcaster alludes to - when it comes to the relationships between men, their mums and their women...

 

My fav podcaster believes men look up to their mums and when his woman takes over, she makes him "rise to the occasion". So, what your ex did was what a woman is supposed to do - inspire you to become a man.

 

I guess she was really a special "someone"?

 

I just wonder why it didn't work out...

 

Trust issues, incompatibility, fighting and more fighting.

 

I guess it was like you guys told me, nothing lasts forever, or maybe it wasn't meant to. When she got a new job I became very controlling because she now had male friends she would hang out with. Before that I never had to worry about that, she never had male friends in her life, and I was her first boyfriend. Although I did so much, I just wasn't centered mentally, I was getting impatient with myself, and all of that was pouring into the relationship.I just didn't have "my ****" together, I was all over the place emotionally. Soon she started pushing away and so did I because I started feeling the rift. And one night she just ended it.

 

It's interesting you bring up the mother thing because, I hate to say it, but my ex never measured up to my mom, not even the slightest. She had certain good qualities, but nothing like my mom. My mom has this extroverted, vibrant, loving, spiritual personality, but my ex has this withdraw, quiet, aggressive, yet somewhat caring personality. Subconsciously, some aspects of her character bothered me, but I accepted it just like she accepted my flaws. I knew when I met her mom that there was trouble for me down the road. She reminded me a lot of her, except a little colder and more withdrawn. Before I got with her I was scared of the extroverted type because I always feared they are more likely to cheat, so I went for the really quiet type (her). There were many times in my relationship where I felt like she wasn't the one, but I cared about her a lot. I wanted to make it work, I didn't want to give up on us, or her. That's just the way I am. My dad gave up on me and gave up on my mom and he regretted it, I didn't want to make the same mistake.

 

I look at my little brother and his girlfriend and I see a lot of my mom in her. It makes sense since they've been together for over 5 years and they're the best of friends, the way a relationship should be. Me and my ex didn't have that type of connection, we would talk about things, but most of the time she would be clueless or expect me to do most of the talking. I didn't mind, but I always wanted her to open up to me more and speak her piece so I gave her the floor as much as possible, but she just never took it.

 

I wasn't the greatest boyfriend that's obvious, but I always wanted the best for her. I stuck it through with her for 4 years, never cheated, never physically hurt her. But there was a lot of fighting and a lot of pain, something always told me, "all of this will be worth it in the end", but I guess I was wrong. We had a lot of good times though, I don't know how I'm going to be able to replace those memories.

 

Damn, you got me talking all logical and **** now smh...lol

 

But yeah Gloria, THAT'S the truth...

Edited July 5, 2015 by Jonp219

[preraph]

I try not to obsess over here, but when I'm not obsessed over her I'm obsessed wit the thought of never finding someone again. It's rare to find love where I'm from and it all gives me a sense of hopelessness.

I try to envision myself with another woman. One that is far more sexy, funny, and intelligent than my ex. It feels wonderful thinking about it, but then I eventually snap back to reality.

 

We all have those type feelings. We can all envision something wonderful and then it's back to reality. The truth is no one can make you happy. First you have to find a way to be happy whether you have someone or not. You need to concentrate on doing things to make yourself happy so you are not relying on someone else for your happiness. Make yourself go do the things you really enjoy. For me it's animals and travel and music that make me happy. Whatever it is, just go do it. Don't wait for "the one." You're far more likely to find the one when you're just out doing the things you love than any other time. Good luck. Remember, this IS all within your control. You have to choose to get past it and work on yourself to leave it behind.

[sandylee1]

I've never experienced this with any of my ex's, not even the man I was with for 14 years and we always had a great sex life all that time.

 

I agree. I've actually never even given it a second thought, but I'm not one to dwell on these things.

[whichwayisup]

Yes it does. It's part of the reason I haven't dated much in my life or attempt to date now. I'm preoccupied with what people may think of me or perceive me as. Ego got in the way of my relationship too, it was a minor contributor, but still there. And now I'm just hurting, it's all coming from me but I can't stop it.

 

This is really messing with your head and self esteem. Have you considered seeking counseling, go talk to someone who can help? You can't live life this way, well, you can can but you don't seem happy.

 

Just talking it out and having a professional 'hear' you, and give you sound advice, guide you into changing your thinking patterns, how you perceive stuff will benefit you big time. Instead of doing regular counseling, try CBT, cognitive behaviour therapy. This type of counseling is actually aimed for those who suffer phobia's, anxiety and depression, but in your circumstance, try CBT because it can help you re train your brain into processing things in a healthier way and not ego based. Hope this helps.

[Jonp219]

This is really messing with your head and self esteem. Have you considered seeking counseling, go talk to someone who can help? You can't live life this way, well, you can can but you don't seem happy.

 

Just talking it out and having a professional 'hear' you, and give you sound advice, guide you into changing your thinking patterns, how you perceive stuff will benefit you big time. Instead of doing regular counseling, try CBT, cognitive behaviour therapy. This type of counseling is actually aimed for those who suffer phobia's, anxiety and depression, but in your circumstance, try CBT because it can help you re train your brain into processing things in a healthier way and not ego based. Hope this helps.

 

I've seen like 4 professionals through out my life.

 

I did a CBT section during my Spring semester I'm thinking of going to another professional, not sure. Therapist haven't helped me with this issue I think I just have to grow some balls. I lack a lot of self-discipline that's why I'm always on here. Instead of should be trying to center myself and not let my mind distract me, but somehow it always wins.

 

I know break ups happen to everyone but I feel like such a failure. I feel like I messed up so bad even though its a common reason for a break up. Everyday I feel like the most deplorable guy on the face of this earth. I feel like I'm going to settle for someone worst than my ex. Having a family and kids is very important to me. I want to have that before I turn 30. I don't want to be a bachelor in my mid 30's.

Edited July 5, 2015 by Jonp219

[Got it]

Well at least that's good to hear

 

One big reason I think I still keep her on a pedestal is because she played a big part in my turnaround early on. When I met her at age 20 I was a college dropout, unemployed, stoner who was still tied into delinquent bull****. She took the time to get to know me and even though my dreams were silly she still told me, "I believe in you, you have so much potential and you don't even realize it". Since then I've earned my Bachelors Degree (3.5 GPA), Held a couple of Dean's List awards, I held a couple of long term jobs, and I cut out a lot negative people in my circle. She made me believe in myself, I did things I never thought were possible. Love is truly a powerful thing, it could make you move mountains.

 

You are giving her too much credit. Who turned your GPA around? Who got you on Dean's list? Who held a couple long term jobs?

 

YOU.

 

What is great is she was supportive and believed in you but you had to believe in you to make all those things happen. You did that. Not her. You had it in you all the time. Maybe it started when another person expressed their support but it didn't mean it wasn't there to begin with. And doesn't mean you can't continue to do great things. And doesn't mean there aren't others who will support and believe in you as well

 

 

But you have to believe in yourself. That is the number one rule. You have to be your own best advocate and have faith that you will be successful and you will do great things. No one else can do that for you.

 

[Jonp219]

You are giving her too much credit. Who turned your GPA around? Who got you on Dean's list? Who held a couple long term jobs?

 

YOU.

 

What is great is she was supportive and believed in you but you had to believe in you to make all those things happen. You did that. Not her. You had it in you all the time. Maybe it started when another person expressed their support but it didn't mean it wasn't there to begin with. And doesn't mean you can't continue to do great things. And doesn't mean there aren't others who will support and believe in you as well

 

 

But you have to believe in yourself. That is the number one rule. You have to be your own best advocate and have faith that you will be successful and you will do great things. No one else can do that for you.

 

 

I know. I don't give myself enough credit but a lot of it is because I need a support system and for a while she was my biggest one. I sometimes think, what if I never met her? I wonder what my life would of been like.

 

I'm trying my best to move on, many people here don't think so, but I am. I'm not staying home, i'm not calling out of work, i'm not missing school. Although, eating has been a little hard for me lately, I've lost over 20 pounds since my break up (5 months ago). But, I do my best to get myself moving on a daily basis.

 

Last year at this time me and ex went to a concert of her favorite band(s). There was a song she dedicated to me when we had our first fight and they played it. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and told me, "I love you, i'm so happy to be with you".

See, memories like that make it EXTREMELY hard to move forward because I never heard anyone tell me that before. I never thought someone would love me that much, it was beautiful. Key word here is: WAS. It WAS beautiful because she doesn't have those feelings for me anymore, they don't exist. I was on the train this morning on my way to an interview and I was almost moved to tears when the song just popped up in my head. Due to that mini internal outburst, my interview didn't go so good. You could tell I was faking my enthusiasm.

 

Furthermore, I have to look over my back when I get to my area because my ex works around here. The other day I saw her in her car parked right around my block waiting for somebody. She didn't see me, but i'm still suffering the drawback from seeing her. Even on my own block I don't feel safe.

 

I don't know what's worst. Not feeling safe on my own block or not feeling safe in my own mind.

[Got it]

Please seek therapy. It sounds like there are bigger issues than mourning your relationship. It sounds like childhood issues that are tying into this abandonment feeling and your lack of ability/tools to self sustain.

 

She was the first person that has said I love you to you? Your parents didn't do that?

 

It sounds like you need a support base of family and/or friends to help you with that support and encouragement. A SO can't be the only one. And those are the ones that we need to help lean on. As well as having faith in one's self.

 

I feel for you, I can see this is hard and that you have done a lot of work on your own. But it sounds like you are dealing with some depression as well and a therapist can help you with that.

 

(((())))))

[Fugu]

Being my exes first I sometimes get these thoughts of her having sex with other men, and it just bothers the hell out of me. Like even if we were to meet sometime in the future like 2-5 years down the line and get back together, I don't think I would take her back knowing she had sex with other men. I felt the sex me and her had was intimate and amazing, and it hurts knowing another man will experience that. The sexual chemistry was just out of this world and she was into all my kinks and stuff. I don't believe my sex life will ever get better than that.

 

My question is where do these thoughts generate from? I have friends who have told me that these thoughts don't bother them that much, even after a break-up. They always tell me "It's just sex". Just sex, it really JUST sex? Is it because I took away her virginity? Is it because I'm sexually inexperienced for my age? I would really like to know the root of these concerns. I don't know why it's the MAIN reason I'm still hurting.

 

I don't know if there's a single explanation - more like a complex combination of thoughts and feelings. You were obviously not ready to let go of the relationship and the connection you had was important. It probably took me a good six months to accept that my first serious relationship with my first true lover was really over. And then it probably took another 12 months before I stopped having those blunt force "I wonder who's nailing her now" thoughts out of my head. And even then, I probably compared her to other girls I dated for a good three or four years after we split - at least sexually. Some people don't need that much time, though. Some find what they're looking for and process it faster.

[Jonp219]

Please seek therapy. It sounds like there are bigger issues than mourning your relationship. It sounds like childhood issues that are tying into this abandonment feeling and your lack of ability/tools to self sustain.

 

She was the first person that has said I love you to you? Your parents didn't do that?

 

It sounds like you need a support base of family and/or friends to help you with that support and encouragement. A SO can't be the only one. And those are the ones that we need to help lean on. As well as having faith in one's self.

 

I feel for you, I can see this is hard and that you have done a lot of work on your own. But it sounds like you are dealing with some depression as well and a therapist can help you with that.

 

(((())))))

 

She was the first SO to ever tell me that. Never had a girl other than my mom look at me with such high regard.

 

My mom has told me she loves me plenty of times. She's one of the most loving/caring/spiritual women I've ever know. She's wise and beautiful too. My father never told me he loved me even considered me worthless at a point. My father treated my mom like **** and she left him. I'm sure he regrets it every single day (I would to). My lacked so much of my mothers qualities yet I'm so bent out of shape for her leaving me, I don't know why. I guess it's because I've never met a woman quite like my mom she's a rare breed indeed.

 

My friends have always loved me. They reach out whenever they can and ask if I'm ok. But I don't have as many friends as before. I cut off a lot of negative people and I don't like making new friends.

 

I don't know why I tie so much of my self worth into other women. I felt the same way with my 1st girlfriend, but I don't know if that counts since our relationship was a LDR. I remember after we agreed to stop pursuing the relationship I fell apart. Then 4 months later I met my current ex.

 

I've spoken to countless therapists about this and I never seem to find a break through.

[Jonp219]

I don't know if there's a single explanation - more like a complex combination of thoughts and feelings. You were obviously not ready to let go of the relationship and the connection you had was important. It probably took me a good six months to accept that my first serious relationship with my first true lover was really over. And then it probably took another 12 months before I stopped having those blunt force "I wonder who's nailing her now" thoughts out of my head. And even then, I probably compared her to other girls I dated for a good three or four years after we split - at least sexually. Some people don't need that much time, though. Some find what they're looking for and process it faster.

 

Where are you now in regards to relationships? Are you better? Did you rind someone better than your first love?

[Fugu]

Where are you now in regards to relationships? Are you better? Did you rind someone better than your first love?

 

I've been with my wife for 6 1/2 years and married for almost five. So, yeah, I'd say I'm better.

 

I don't say that to disrespect my first ex, either. Those earlier relationships, however painful they are when they end, are learning opportunities. I think your ex probably helped you become better for your next girlfriend or perhaps future wife. If I hadn't had my relationships with my exes, I probably would have failed in my current relationship, because I wouldn't have had the knowledge that comes with experience. I probably wouldn't have even had the understanding of how to develop a relationship in the first place, let alone sustain one. I don't advocate using someone just to get experience, but the reality is that most people usually end up going through several shorter term relationships before ultimately getting one that lasts.

 

I think the important thing is to understand what you liked and did not like about the relationship that just ended. But even more importantly, I think you have to be honest about yourself too. And that's not always easy, because we want to believe that since we wanted the relationship to continue and grow the way we envisioned it that it might be the other person's fault that it ended. Sometimes the other person may be at fault in some ways, but assess yourself honestly, too. Otherwise, you'll carry your own issues into future relationships.

Edited July 6, 2015 by Fugu

[pureinheart]

Those earlier relationships, however painful they are when they end, are learning opportunities.

 

You can say that again...

[Jonp219]

I've been with my wife for 6 1/2 years and married for almost five. So, yeah, I'd say I'm better.

 

I don't say that to disrespect my first ex, either. Those earlier relationships, however painful they are when they end, are learning opportunities. I think your ex probably helped you become better for your next girlfriend or perhaps future wife. If I hadn't had my relationships with my exes, I probably would have failed in my current relationship, because I wouldn't have had the knowledge that comes with experience. I probably wouldn't have even had the understanding of how to develop a relationship in the first place, let alone sustain one. I don't advocate using someone just to get experience, but the reality is that most people usually end up going through several shorter term relationships before ultimately getting one that lasts.

 

I think the important thing is to understand what you liked and did not like about the relationship that just ended. But even more importantly, I think you have to be honest about yourself too. And that's not always easy, because we want to believe that since we wanted the relationship to continue and grow the way we envisioned it that it might be the other person's fault that it ended. Sometimes the other person may be at fault in some ways, but assess yourself honestly, too. Otherwise, you'll carry your own issues into future relationships.

 

Trust me, I learned a lot from this break-up, I know where I went wrong. This break up humbled me to a point I never thought was possible, but it has also put me in a position to question my self-worth. It's got me thinking if love may be possible for me again. Not saying I can't love someone again, but I feel like I won't find someone who will love ME again. I know I have to find love within myself, but I want a family soon. She was my chance to have a wife and children someday and now that's gone. Where i'm from love is tough to find with a decent human being.

 

Now I have to watch as she moves on to someone else in the future while I sit here licking my wounds. My ego took a gigantic blow in this break-up probably more than my heart did. I'm more hurt about the fact that I didn't save this when I had the chance to. I let my insecurities get in the way.

[Fugu]

Trust me, I learned a lot from this break-up, I know where I went wrong. This break up humbled me to a point I never thought was possible, but it has also put me in a position to question my self-worth. It's got me thinking if love may be possible for me again. Not saying I can't love someone again, but I feel like I won't find someone who will love ME again. I know I have to find love within myself, but I want a family soon. She was my chance to have a wife and children someday and now that's gone. Where i'm from love is tough to find with a decent human being.

 

Now I have to watch as she moves on to someone else in the future while I sit here licking my wounds. My ego took a gigantic blow in this break-up probably more than my heart did. I'm more hurt about the fact that I didn't save this when I had the chance to. I let my insecurities get in the way.

 

Anthony Bourdain had a kid at the young age of 52, with his second wife whom he married about a year earlier. Not saying you are Anthony Bourdain or that you even have to wait that long, but I've known plenty of people who have taken their sweet merry time to live out their lives on their own time table.

 

I can understand those insecure and vulnerable feelings, and it's natural. I know I felt the same way after my first ex and I broke up. You feel that way because it took you 20-something years to find something as good as your first love, and so you naturally assume that it'll take about the same amount of time before you find another.

 

But it doesn't necessarily work like that. During your earlier stages of maturation you weren't really in a position to have that kind of relationship, but now you are. You just need to have things going for you in life that help you maintain your level of attractiveness: your career, your passions, your friendships, your family, and whatever else you use to find inspiration. That's what makes you attractive and that's how you find the next person to share those things with.

[Jonp219]

Anthony Bourdain had a kid at the young age of 52, with his second wife whom he married about a year earlier. Not saying you are Anthony Bourdain or that you even have to wait that long, but I've known plenty of people who have taken their sweet merry time to live out their lives on their own time table.

 

I can understand those insecure and vulnerable feelings, and it's natural. I know I felt the same way after my first ex and I broke up. You feel that way because it took you 20-something years to find something as good as your first love, and so you naturally assume that it'll take about the same amount of time before you find another.

 

But it doesn't necessarily work like that. During your earlier stages of maturation you weren't really in a position to have that kind of relationship, but now you are. You just need to have things going for you in life that help you maintain your level of attractiveness: your career, your passions, your friendships, your family, and whatever else you use to find inspiration. That's what makes you attractive and that's how you find the next person to share those things with.

 

Yeah but he chose not to have kids at a young age. And i'm not an advocate of guys who have kids at such a late age, but everyone is different.

 

I don't know why I feel this way if I wanted to break-up with her during different periods of our relationship. I didn't always want to be with her due to differences we had, but now that we're not together I feel like I lost the best thing I ever had.

 

I felt even though we're not very compatible that she was the best thing I will ever have, is that wrong?

 

Am I putting way too much value on this girl than I should? I just don't understand these feelings. Did I lose something great or expendable?