TUDOR Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter Not everyone bases everything on sex, ALPHA. Ah but the one thing we all have in common no matter what our background, language, origin, etc....is sex. Alpha I think you are pretty dead on with this one. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by Undertaker My question is, should I have a problem with this? No. ...how can I pretend that it doesn't bother me? Don't. Tell her it bothers you, and why. Talk about it. You'll find this helps. She says up and down that she only wants me and that those guys are 'just friends'...I want to believe her, but I just can't. I see. So you don't trust your girlfriend. Bad sign. How can I trust someone who has 'guy-friends' when I don't trust other guys as far as I can throw them? You don't mean that you don't trust other guys; you mean that you don't trust your girlfriend. If you can't see this, your problems will only get worse. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by faux You don't mean that you don't trust other guys; you mean that you don't trust your girlfriend. If you can't see this, your problems will only get worse. Word. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by TUDOR Alpha I think you are pretty dead on with this one. thanx TUDOR. then again, being 40 yrs old I've had more experience that many of these young whipper-snappers in this area. Link to post Share on other sites
Horse Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale this is EXACTLY how many men get suckered into wasting their romantic time becuase they think they can start a relationship with a woman by being her "friend" and being there for her. THey follow her around like a little love-sick puppy feeding off any morsels of attention she gives them. That is sad that u condone that behaviour. That isn't being a friend. That's called being a chump. I think some men (a lot of my guy friends) are incapable of being friends with women. They don't see a reason to spend the time or effort if it is not going to lead to sex. Personally, I like women. I also don't see how you can effectively go straight from never having any female friends to having a wife who is, or should be, your best friend. Not that I've never been attracted to any of my female friends, or had any of them get a crush on me, but I've never felt like I was wasting my or their time. If that come up you deal with it. Otherwise, I've had fun and I've learned a lot about women. It's not like men never have issues with their guys friends either. I know I've done some messed up stuff. Guy friends can make asses out of themselves or you just as easily. Sometimes we fight, sometimes we try to trick you into sleeping with ugly chicks while you are dunk, sometimes we give each other "haircuts" while we are passed out and according to more than a few threads, sometimes we try to sleep with each others SO's. Sometimes friends get out of line an do stupid things regardless of the gender. To me it seems stupid to write off half of the people just because you have had issues with a few women.... But I also understand that some people just can't deal with it or maybe they are like Alphamale and are so incredibly irresistible that only 10% (probably lesbians) are able to spend time with them without falling madly in love. Back in the day... I don't think it ever hurt my game either. A lot of women like to talk a lot; and a lot of women saying good things about you to their friends = a lot of friends of friends willing to give you a shot. Disclaimer: Sometimes sarcasm is hard to read. The whole (probably lesbians) thing was a joke. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Undertaker Posted May 3, 2005 Author Share Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by faux No. Don't. Tell her it bothers you, and why. Talk about it. You'll find this helps. I see. So you don't trust your girlfriend. Bad sign. You don't mean that you don't trust other guys; you mean that you don't trust your girlfriend. If you can't see this, your problems will only get worse. I've played the jealous boyfriend before and it doesn't pay off. I've told her that it bothers me, but like I said, I also see how it would be wrong of me to expect her to treat her friends differently because of my insecurities. As far as the trust thing goes, I see 'situations' that I don't trust. Because if there's anything consistant I've ever heard from women, it's these two things: 1. "The best relationships start out as friends" 2. "Women are more attacted to personality than looks" With that said, who is to say that if a guy-friend of a woman suddenly confesses his dying love for her, she won't start to look at him in a different light? The simple fact is, I don't trust men being friends with women. Usually (and most guys here can either agree with me or not) if a guy says, "this is my friend ____(girl's name)" later his guy friends will be like, "So are you two dating or what" Or they'll say, "When are you going to get that in the sack"? Let's face it, if a buddy of mine introduces his friend and that friend is a female, I usually chalk that up to either he's trying to date her/get her in bed or he already tried and ended up in the "friend-zone". Either way, that's not a friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
BrotherAaron Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 My girlfriend had guy friends. I was fine with it. I trusted her. Now, she's dating one of them... Lesson learned. She should be scared off by guys who show interest in her, not intrigued. This is her responsibility, not yours. You shouldn't have to chase them off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Undertaker Posted May 3, 2005 Author Share Posted May 3, 2005 I've noticed an underlying theme with these responses: most men feel as though women can't be friends with men. Most women, on the otherhand, feel as though they can be friends with men. Is it possible that there are a lot of male-female friendships that are 'one-sided'? I'm beginning to think so. Meanwhile, in my situation...I'm resolved to the fact that I have to trust my girlfriend to not do anything that she shouldn't do with these 'guy-friends'. But, I'm still going to have a big problem with it. What if she says that she can't do something with me one day because she has plans with one of these guys? I'll be ticked, but there's not really anything I can do about it. Right now, I'm 26 years old (so is she) and I don't really feel like I can afford to waste my time dating someone who can't settle for attention from just one guy (me). If I start hearing from everyone, "Every girl has guy-friends. You just have to deal with it". Then I guess I have no choice. But, if there are women out there who believe that it's wrong to have guy-friends or that every women has a 'guy-friend-stage, then I'd rather just find someone who doesn't have any. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by Undertaker I've noticed an underlying theme with these responses: most men feel as though women can't be friends with men. Most women, on the otherhand, feel as though they can be friends with men. you know what some women do UNDERTAKER??? they cultivate this large harem of male "friends" and then when they are ready to dump their BF they choose their next BF from this harem. some gurls do it on purpose. a cute dude shows interest in her and she says to him "Oh, Greg, I am dating UNDERTAKER right now, but lets' be friends and get together once in a while....but no handy panky until I dump UNDERTAKER!" don't laugh, i've seen it in action. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Undertaker... I'm curious do you have Female Friends? AND Alpha.... Greg hears that from all his Female Friends Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 I was hanging out at a friend's house yesterday. A group of girls I know casually came by and they hung out. I was consumed with an intense feeling of discomfort. I just don't know how to TALK to those gaggles of females. They intimidate and scare me. I can, on the other hand, hang out with dudes. I had male friends in high school, and I NEVER dated. Not them, not anyone. I actually have NEVER been friends with a guy before I dated him. Once they are in the friend zone, I might have a FWB relationship between committed relationships, but other than that, they are stuck in the friends zone. Haven't you heard about the "friends zone syndrome"??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Undertaker Posted May 3, 2005 Author Share Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by Merin Undertaker... I'm curious do you have Female Friends? No I don't. But, there are a couple of females who think that I'm their friend...because I've tried dating them and ended up in the friend-zone. So, if you asked them, they'd say yes...but I'm saying no. Link to post Share on other sites
chubachoop Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 I have not read all the posts but all I can say is this is riduculous!!! People are friends with people because they have things in common with them it dont matter whether they are male or female. Undertaker your girlfriend had these friends before you and her started dating so what is she meant to do, dump all her mates? you dont own her. If youd rather have a girlfriend with no friends then you must be pretty insecure, you want her to need only you in her life? sorry to be harsh but I just get really peed off at people who think they have ownership over someone. I once went out with a guy who complained coz i had guy friends. guess what, I dumped him!! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by chubachoop If youd rather have a girlfriend with no friends then you must be pretty insecure, you want her to need only you in her life? sorry to be harsh but I just get really peed off at people who think they have ownership over someone. I once went out with a guy who complained coz i had guy friends. guess what, I dumped him!! yes, CHUBACHOOP, I'd like to see how you react to a boyfriend who has a lot of attractive female "friends". like most other women you'd lose your mind with jealousy. Link to post Share on other sites
chubachoop Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 well my boyfriend does have attractive female friends. Some of them are my friends too and some I dont know. He hangs out with them with me or without me and Im not jealous because I know my boyfriend had these friends before we got together and i also trust my boyfriend 100%. I know he loves me and isnt interested in his female friends in any way other than as friends. In the past I have been jealous of ex boyfreinds female friends (i obviously didnt trust those guys) I never told him I was jealous because I believe people can be friends with whoever they want and just because your in a relationship with them, you cant dictate who they spend there time with. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by chubachoop I know he loves me and isnt interested in his female friends in any way other than as friends. In the past I have been jealous of ex boyfreinds female friends (i obviously didnt trust those guys) maybe your current BF is a much better liar than your ex-BFs. Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Question for chubachoop: Lets say your BF went on weekend camping trip with friends, when he returns you realize he only said friends but failed to tell you that meant there were 4 women and only 1 other guy there. Now he didn't lie because you know and seem to be ok with the fact that his friends includes females and you trust him. Would you be mad at him for not telling you there would be females there? Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by Undertaker No I don't. But, there are a couple of females who think that I'm their friend...because I've tried dating them and ended up in the friend-zone. So, if you asked them, they'd say yes...but I'm saying no. So IF pressed you would say No you're not Friends with these Women... but in thier mind you are Friends... Does that mean that you still talk to and hang out with them on occassion? I ask this because IF the Women in question still believe the 2 of you are Friends then I would assume you've given them reason to believe this... Are you saying Undertaker that you wouldn't be My Friend based on My Gender? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 ....but no handy panky until I dump UNDERTAKER!" Uhmm, handy? I thought it was hanky... As long as the girlfriends are also INCLUDED once in a while with the friendship he has with other girls, that way she sees there is nothing to worry about. Link to post Share on other sites
chubachoop Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Alphamale if your saying my boyfriend is a liar that means I am a liar too. One of my best male friends I was sleeping with not long before I got with my boyfriend but my boyfriend has no worries about me hanging out with him because he knows we are only friends now. and guess what he TRUSTS me. This is what it all boils down to. I trust him, he trusts me so neither of us worry about the people each other is hanging out with. If any of you have a problem with your partners opposite sex friends its because you dont trust your partner. Tudor, I wouldnt mind that situation at all altho i cant really see it arising. My boyfriend would invite me along he wouldnt just go camping without asking me to go. He would also tell me who the friends were that he was going with, not because he thinks i'll be jealous but because we tell each other stuff, we communicate. Hes going on holiday with a group of guys this summer, he invited me but I cant make it and I know which guys hes going with. If they were girls it wouldnt matter to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by Undertaker I've noticed an underlying theme with these responses: most men feel as though women can't be friends with men. Most women, on the otherhand, feel as though they can be friends with men. Is it possible that there are a lot of male-female friendships that are 'one-sided'? I'm beginning to think so. Meanwhile, in my situation...I'm resolved to the fact that I have to trust my girlfriend to not do anything that she shouldn't do with these 'guy-friends'. But, I'm still going to have a big problem with it. What if she says that she can't do something with me one day because she has plans with one of these guys? I'll be ticked, but there's not really anything I can do about it. Right now, I'm 26 years old (so is she) and I don't really feel like I can afford to waste my time dating someone who can't settle for attention from just one guy (me). If I start hearing from everyone, "Every girl has guy-friends. You just have to deal with it". Then I guess I have no choice. But, if there are women out there who believe that it's wrong to have guy-friends or that every women has a 'guy-friend-stage, then I'd rather just find someone who doesn't have any. Of course you have to trust her, otherwise you have to examine your ability to pick women. if you're still concerned about it, that's your gut telling you something. If she has no shady background (she's never cheated, she's never hooked up with any of them, they are not exes), I would not give it another thought. Second, it's not a question of not having male friends, its a question of boundries. If she hangs out with them one on one, that's just wacky, and destined for trouble. Generally speaking, the best approach is not to care that much about it, recognize that girlfriends are primarily a numbers game (there's always a next one if this one annoys you), and let her understand that you enjoy her company and would love to be with her, but that you don't need her in your life (and make sure that is true). If she does something inappropriate with one of these dudes, you'll be gone. And generally, avoid dating women who have significant male friends. There are tons of women in the world (and vice versa); why hang with one who likes to stick her hand in the lion's mouth. And don't get anyone started on the "friends first" thing. Absolute nonsense. Link to post Share on other sites
Horse Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 re: the idea that having friends of the opposite sex can lead to cheating. Yeah, temptation is always there, but that's why you have to set boundaries. But.. in my personal experience it's not any safer to hang out with my guy friends. We go out, drink, play pool etc and talk to women. They are trying to hook up. I'm not, but if I was, that would be more tempting than hooking up with a friend. Some of my guy friends also like to go to strip clubs and sometimes they go to massage parlors afterwards. This doesn't mean I can't be friends with them. It just means I don't hang out with them when they are creeping. Following your reasoning would mean my wife shouldn't trust me to hang out with male or female friends. I'm not ready to be a hermit. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 It's possible IMO if neither the man or woman is interested in any romance or sex. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by Undertaker What if she says that she can't do something with me one day because she has plans with one of these guys? I'll be ticked, but there's not really anything I can do about it. You can dump her, or you can get a female friend and start telling your gf you can't come out tonight because you are with your new "friend". IMO alphamale is spot on here! Link to post Share on other sites
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