Perignon Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 My boyfriend went into prison three weeks ago, he's in there for 2 years but he could be out in 13 months. I've never ever been disloyal to him in our relationship of over a year now. He's my first proper boyfriend and I love him to pieces, but I'm only 16. He can't speak to anyone under 18 outside of the prison so that means I can't have any contact with him at all. But last night I went to a party and I was so emotional, someone there was just comforting me and we kissed... I stopped after and told him I couldn't do it because it's wrong but I feel so guilty. I'm scared of telling him because he will be heart broken but I want to be honest with him. I'm also scared for the boy because he will go mad at him I just don't know what to do. Everyone tells me I'm too young to be dealing with this and I shouldn't be waiting for him but I honestly couldn't imagine him coming back and me not being with him. Ans since I can't talk to him, if I did choose to tell him I wouldn't be able to tell him until he comes out which is supposed to be a good day for him! I don't want him to come out that hell hole and then me tell him that and feel like **** all over again. I so regret it Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Let me say this.......I wouldn't want my 16 year old daughter to have a boyfriend who is a criminal. You certainly are too young to be dealing with this you shouldn't be dealing with it. The fact that you're scared what he'll do to the boy tells me he's got a bad temper , and is prone to violence. I think you're best dumping your boyfriend and moving on. He's in prison at 18 , what do you think the years ahead with him will be like ? Why are you wasting time with him? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 You have some major issues of your own to work on if this is your idea of someone you want to love and spend time with. Why make yourself a loser by getting involved with one? Right now, there are a lot of paths you can follow. How do you see your life when you are older? Do you want a house? A family? A happy life? Aligning with a loser like this, you'll most likely end up in section 8 housing, on food stamps, possibly abkid or 2, getting beat up or in arguments, having to bail this chump out of jail all the time and having zero money. In fact, you'll probably end up working 2 jobs to support this clown, since no one will hire the ex con. Is that the kind of life you want? Because that's where you'll end up sticking with a loser. Do what's right for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 You have already developed tunnel vision to the day he gets out and what kind of reaction he will have if you ever disclose you kissed a guy. Why are you saddling yourself down with a person who's obviously troubled and has a temper? I don't know what he's in for and it's none of my business, but if he wanted to be with you, he should have considered the consequences of his actions and the ramifications that ensue. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Admit to nothing and breakup with your BF. Your first proper BF isn't appropriate for someone your age. You are too far over your head.....people who make poor choices have bad things happen to them, and obviously you are too immature to proper choices for yourself. Don't think for a moment this will be the only time you do this, you WILL find yourself kissing other guys and wanting to be with them. At 16 you should be hanging out with your GFs, playing sports, going to the beach, getting a job....these are things that will help you on your journey of becoming a responsible adult. This BF of yours will only pull you down. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 What kind of relationship do you have with your parents? Do they have any thoughts about you being with this guy? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Look, no matter how much you might love him, you and your boyfriend have no future together. Hell, he probably doesn't even have a future planned for himself (at least I don't know anyone who would employ someone who's been to prison). And "living in the moment" gets you nowhere, as you've experiened yourself via the cheating - you're just stuck and have nowhere to go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Perignon Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 You have already developed tunnel vision to the day he gets out and what kind of reaction he will have if you ever disclose you kissed a guy. Why are you saddling yourself down with a person who's obviously troubled and has a temper? I don't know what he's in for and it's none of my business, but if he wanted to be with you, he should have considered the consequences of his actions and the ramifications that ensue. He got in trouble for this 2 years ago before I met him, it's been going on for a while, he didn't actually do anything wrong but he just fell in the wrong path of the wrong people. He used to have a temper on him but he has calmed down completely since he met me Link to post Share on other sites
Author Perignon Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Look, no matter how much you might love him, you and your boyfriend have no future together. Hell, he probably doesn't even have a future planned for himself (at least I don't know anyone who would employ someone who's been to prison). And "living in the moment" gets you nowhere, as you've experiened yourself via the cheating - you're just stuck and have nowhere to go. He's a qualified barber with a guaranteed job when he gets back from his boss as his boss knows he's done nothing wrong. He's a really well respected person in my town and has his priorities set straight but he just did something silly when he was young! Thank you though for the advice Link to post Share on other sites
Author Perignon Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 What kind of relationship do you have with your parents? Do they have any thoughts about you being with this guy? My dad hates him, has since day one. My mum adores him because she's spent a lot of time with us. Obviously she's unsure of the situation but she's known the whole story from the start from speaking to his mum too Link to post Share on other sites
Author Perignon Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Let me say this.......I wouldn't want my 16 year old daughter to have a boyfriend who is a criminal. You certainly are too young to be dealing with this you shouldn't be dealing with it. The fact that you're scared what he'll do to the boy tells me he's got a bad temper , and is prone to violence. I think you're best dumping your boyfriend and moving on. He's in prison at 18 , what do you think the years ahead with him will be like ? Why are you wasting time with him? I understand that. He used to be prone to violence as he's a big guy but he's calmed down now, he ignores everything anyone says to him now as he knows he will lose me if he does,but he's obviously going to get angry!! Hm it was one mistake that's my problem though because if he was in and out of prison I wouldn't be with him at all! But he has a job, his own house, a car he does everything and has his life all sorted! Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 My boyfriend went into prison three weeks ago, he's in there for 2 years but he could be out in 13 months. I've never ever been disloyal to him in our relationship of over a year now. He's my first proper boyfriend and I love him to pieces, but I'm only 16. He can't speak to anyone under 18 outside of the prison so that means I can't have any contact with him at all. But last night I went to a party and I was so emotional, someone there was just comforting me and we kissed... I stopped after and told him I couldn't do it because it's wrong but I feel so guilty. I'm scared of telling him because he will be heart broken but I want to be honest with him. I'm also scared for the boy because he will go mad at him I just don't know what to do. Everyone tells me I'm too young to be dealing with this and I shouldn't be waiting for him but I honestly couldn't imagine him coming back and me not being with him. Ans since I can't talk to him, if I did choose to tell him I wouldn't be able to tell him until he comes out which is supposed to be a good day for him! I don't want him to come out that hell hole and then me tell him that and feel like **** all over again. I so regret it Focus on yourself and see how you feel in 13 months or 2 years when you realize that your connection with him has been lost and when you realize that a young woman doesn't need to be with a man who has been in prison and when you've met someone else who is amazing and won't be going to jail. You should be dating other guys now. Are you going to keep yourself in jail too? Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 But he has a job, his own house, a car he does everything and has his life all sorted! How old is he? Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 My boyfriend went into prison three weeks ago, he's in there for 2 years but he could be out in 13 months. I've never ever been disloyal to him in our relationship of over a year now. He's my first proper boyfriend and I love him to pieces, but I'm only 16. He can't speak to anyone under 18 outside of the prison so that means I can't have any contact with him at all. But last night I went to a party and I was so emotional, someone there was just comforting me and we kissed... I stopped after and told him I couldn't do it because it's wrong but I feel so guilty. I'm scared of telling him because he will be heart broken but I want to be honest with him. I'm also scared for the boy because he will go mad at him I just don't know what to do. Everyone tells me I'm too young to be dealing with this and I shouldn't be waiting for him but I honestly couldn't imagine him coming back and me not being with him. Ans since I can't talk to him, if I did choose to tell him I wouldn't be able to tell him until he comes out which is supposed to be a good day for him! I don't want him to come out that hell hole and then me tell him that and feel like **** all over again. I so regret it As someone who spent a chunk of my life in the Crowbar Hotel I'll be honest with you.... You need to just move on with your life, and yes you are way too young to be dealing with this. Believe me, the Boyfriend that will emerge from behind the wall in 2 years or 13 months will be radically different from the guy who went in and I would venture a guess that it won 't be a positive change. You are too young to have to have that thrust upon you. Your best course of action is to delete this person from your life. Believe me you are doing him favor by letting him go. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 being away from someone we love and have formed a bond with is disheartening. I'm sure you are feeling it immensely . Since people are labeling him a thug, I come from the other avenue. He is admitting fault, doing time and most likely a decent lad. Had a friend do three years for a car incident, Good guy, just rotten circumstances that he had to deal with. He came out more reserved and definitely a changed man. Almost like the spark left him. So if you choose to be the gal waiting, do so with love and understanding. He and you will have time to sort out your relationship. He may be understanding... time does change things. Enjoy life , and keep your heart safe. Best to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I understand that. He used to be prone to violence as he's a big guy but he's calmed down now, he ignores everything anyone says to him now as he knows he will lose me if he does,but he's obviously going to get angry!! Hm it was one mistake that's my problem though because if he was in and out of prison I wouldn't be with him at all! But he has a job, his own house, a car he does everything and has his life all sorted! No he doesn't have his life sorted out. He jeopardized all those things for something that put him in prison. And, he will likely lose all these things while he is in prison. He's 18, he doesn't have enough history with you to demonstrate his ability to get his life in order. He's 18 and made a big enough mistake to land him in prison! He didn't just make a little mistake that can be given a pass on. You say he hasn't been in and out of prison or you would be with him. Seriously, he's done it once. You don't know he won't do it again. And, he's only 18, hopefully he wouldn't have been in and out of jail before this. Now is the point to measure from. Now that he's made this mistake, he needs to demonstrate that he's capable of building a better life and committed to that effort. You won't know whether he wants to do that or can do that and won't for some time. Do you know what recidivism is? After a person has been in prison for an extended period of time, they get used to that environment and often times go back to the crime(s) that got them in prison to start with because they want to go back there. It's now more comfortable and easier than being out in the real world. Not only that, even if they weren't "used" to prison by the time they get out, they often fall back on the activity out of desperation because they've lost the footing they had before they went to prison and can't re-establish themselves. I don't know where your parents are, but if they are good role models for you, you wouldn't even be here. If they are not good role models, go to someone you trust and talk about this. No one here is going to coddle you and tell you to wait for this guy unless they are 16 too. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 He's 18 I don't think she said his age. He has a house. I don't think he's 18, but older. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 "prone to violence as he's a big guy?" Really???? Big guys are normally the last type of person to resort to violence. It's the skinny, sketchy, twitchy, tiny guys who are most violent and dangerous. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Perignon Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 I don't think she said his age. He has a house. I don't think he's 18, but older. No he's eighteen, he just has come from a very rich family, so he's had help buying it but he pays the rent and everything now Link to post Share on other sites
Author Perignon Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 "prone to violence as he's a big guy?" Really???? Big guys are normally the last type of person to resort to violence. It's the skinny, sketchy, twitchy, tiny guys who are most violent and dangerous. Well he was he's not now haha Link to post Share on other sites
Author Perignon Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 being away from someone we love and have formed a bond with is disheartening. I'm sure you are feeling it immensely . Since people are labeling him a thug, I come from the other avenue. He is admitting fault, doing time and most likely a decent lad. Had a friend do three years for a car incident, Good guy, just rotten circumstances that he had to deal with. He came out more reserved and definitely a changed man. Almost like the spark left him. So if you choose to be the gal waiting, do so with love and understanding. He and you will have time to sort out your relationship. He may be understanding... time does change things. Enjoy life , and keep your heart safe. Best to you. You've hit the nail on the head haha! He's not a thug at all, he's a normal person who's just fallen into trouble, yes exactly, he was just with the wrong person at the wrong time, but he didn't do anything and everyone can seem to see that but the judge on that day who was a dick and didn't take in consideration his side at all! He did say to his mum he's changed for the better already and that that he's appreciating things on the outside a lot more now. Thank you so much for this its nice not to read something negative even if some are speaking sense. Thank you so much Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 You've hit the nail on the head haha! He's not a thug at all, he's a normal person who's just fallen into trouble, yes exactly, he was just with the wrong person at the wrong time, but he didn't do anything and everyone can seem to see that but the judge on that day who was a dick and didn't take in consideration his side at all! He did say to his mum he's changed for the better already and that that he's appreciating things on the outside a lot more now. Thank you so much for this its nice not to read something negative even if some are speaking sense. Thank you so much Ok, so maybe you should share the charges with us so we can better understand the situation? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Auspecial Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I don't see how anything good would come of telling him negative things that he can do nothing about while he is trapped in prison for two years. I think you would be doing him an act of kindness to not bring up what you did and to write him a very nice break-up letter. I'm sure he will be sad for a time, but no normal person would expect someone to automatically stay together as a couple for a long term incarceration. This is aside from the fact you aren't even married and have no obligation of any sort, and you are not even out of high school yet. Break up in a kind way, socialize with others as you choose, and two years from now, if you are available and both are interested, you can try again. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 he's a normal person who's just fallen into trouble, yes exactly, he was just with the wrong person at the wrong time, but he didn't do anything and everyone can seem to see that but the judge on that day who was a dick and didn't take in consideration his side at all! He did say to his mum he's changed for the better already and that that he's appreciating things on the outside a lot more now. Yes, please share with us some more information about what happened. There are indeed some good people who get mixed up in the wrong thing, and criminality is not in their basic character. Maybe it's a one time thing when they're young, and they learn their lesson. But what you wrote is ALSO what unrepentant criminals say - "wrong place, wrong time," "judge was a dick who didn't take my side into consideration," "I've changed..." Regardless of any of that, I don't think you should chain yourself to someone who's in prison for the next two years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Perignon Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Ok, so maybe you should share the charges with us so we can better understand the situation? He said that he's going to do so many more things with me and take some days off work to do that. He worked six days a week so I'd only have one proper day with him, but now he's going to not worry about getting more money and be set on his priorities which was me. He's gonna take more days off the gym to spend proper time with me. He writes letters everyday to his mum about me saying he loves me so much etc, just from them even his mum can see he's already changed. Our relationship was still good before, we'd go to dinner often and take trips and make the effort to have lunch with my mum. And I also can't write letters to him. I can't have any communication with him Link to post Share on other sites
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