NewLeaf512 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I have been the OW for 2.5 years. My AP was in a bad marriage. He was a terrible husband, she isn't a great wife blah blah blah. He wanted to leave ( like they all say) but it was always one excuse after another. I convinced him to go into therapy which he did, and after 4 months of therapy decided to get a divorce lawyer which he did. (Yippee you'd think) I'd been getting dissatisfied with crumbs for about 6 months, and also even though the affair was only emotional for the last year, I did not want to play a part in the deception to his wife anymore which I told him. I also let him know that the truth needed to come out so that each party involved could make decisions based on truth and authenticity. I also told him if he did one more faking disrespectful thing to me I would end the affair with him and tell his wife because she deserved the truth too. He agreed not to disrespect me again but he did over the last weekend in June. On Monday afternoon, he called me to apologise for being an ass over the weekend. I told him it was over and reminded him of my intention to end it and tell his wife which I intended to do after work. After work I called her, she answered the phone crying I told her who I was, and she handed the phone to him. He told me that he had told her everything about us and about seeing the divorce lawyer (I could hear her in the background ). He hasn't been to work and hasn't contacted me. I can only assume they are trying to work it out. So it's over. I'm sorry I hurt his wife. I'm sorry I hurt myself. I hope they resolve it whichever way is best for them. My emotions are everywhere. Relief. Distraught. Embarrassed of my behaviour. Heart broken. Feeling I had a lucky escape and hurt and confused. I'd NEVER be an OW again. It's nothing but disaster. I doubt he will try to contact me again but if he does, it's NC from me. I wish I knew what to do with all these feelings. Thanks for listening 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I'm sorry that you went through that. And yes they probably are working it out. I hope that you recover quickly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Newleaf, it's pretty quiet here on the weekends. Just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are hurting and that the feelings you have now won't last forever. As much as it hurts at least you are no longer waiting on the MM. I think having an MM and being in this perpetual state of waiting must be agonizing. You have been set free from that. Now you can heal and start planning the rest of your life. I wish you luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Newleaf, it's pretty quiet here on the weekends. Just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are hurting and that the feelings you have now won't last forever. As much as it hurts at least you are no longer waiting on the MM. I think having an MM and being in this perpetual state of waiting must be agonizing. You have been set free from that. Now you can heal and start planning the rest of your life. I wish you luck. Yes. At least you put an end to the madness and now you can move forward in life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 I'm sure grateful for the support. I think I am kind of in shock still. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I'm sure grateful for the support. I think I am kind of in shock still. In shock because it's over or something else? I imagine it can feel like being mugged on the street. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Sounds like you made all the right decision to get out of the mess. it will take time but you should congratulate yourself that you have the sense to finally do it instead of sitting there raging at AP ,his wife, and everyone else. You are facing the fact you created this situation and are accountable for gthe results. The fact that you state you will never become an OW again shows you have learned something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Popcicle I'm in shock for many reasons: 1. I had often said that if he was hurtful to me one more time I'd end it and then backpedaled. This time I stuck to it and respected myself. 2. I always thought I wanted him to get a divorce and we'd ride off into the sunset with all his future faking dreams he gave me. When he finally did go to the lawyer I felt pretty close to nothing. 3. I loved him, and maybe always will but I'll never go back even if he does get divorced. He didn't treat me kindly and thought I was so unworthy that giving me crumbs was enough (which I accepted) I want someone who thinks from the start I'm worth the whole loaf of bread. 4. I'm in shock he told his wife, in shock because she seems to accept it. 5. I'm in shock because I didn't think my emotions would be this all over the place. I'm just glad it's over 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherSadSong Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Popcicle I'm in shock for many reasons: 1. I had often said that if he was hurtful to me one more time I'd end it and then backpedaled. This time I stuck to it and respected myself. I was in the exact boat as you. I ferociously fought against some of the disrespectful behavior and his unwillingness to change. I gave hint after hint and a couple of weeks ago he said, that sounds like a lot of work, for something really simple. The was it and the beginning to a tumultuous ending. Feeling of unworthiness is awful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Sounds like you made all the right decision to get out of the mess. it will take time but you should congratulate yourself that you have the sense to finally do it instead of sitting there raging at AP ,his wife, and everyone else. You are facing the fact you created this situation and are accountable for gthe results. The fact that you state you will never become an OW again shows you have learned something. Thanks for your kind reply. Just to add some context: he said they were separated when we met (lie). I stayed after I found out the truth (I need to own this forever) but I didn't create this mess on my own or walk into it with my eyes open. I also do not want to take credit for not being angry or upset ever with ex-AP . I am angry he future faked me and lied to me. I'm angry at myself for being dumb enough to believe it all. I don't rage for sure but angry yes but it doesn't consume me. The irony is that just when he finally saw a divorce lawyer I finally saw him and me with real eyes: a lying mistress and a cheating husband. It doesn't matter how stinky his marriage is/was. She never did anything to me and I know it was wrong. He should have sorted his life out and resolved his issues there before chasing me or any other woman. The fact that he has status in the church and hands out Holy Communion makes me gag as well 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I think you did the right thing! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I'm glad you found love and respect for yourself and ended it. Today you're free and once you grieve the loss, you're going to be just fine. He will now have a shi.t storm at home, having a wife who lost her faith and trust in him and their marriage. Not your concern so don't look back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 I'm glad you found love and respect for yourself and ended it. Today you're free and once you grieve the loss, you're going to be just fine. He will now have a shi.t storm at home, having a wife who lost her faith and trust in him and their marriage. Not your concern so don't look back. Thank you. Is it wrong that I don't really mind if he is licking her shoes right now? I hope she doesn't take him back because I found out he had an affair while she was pregnant with their youngest 20 years ago. She deserves something better too, 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Thanks for your kind reply. Just to add some context: he said they were separated when we met (lie). I stayed after I found out the truth (I need to own this forever) but I didn't create this mess on my own or walk into it with my eyes open. I also do not want to take credit for not being angry or upset ever with ex-AP . I am angry he future faked me and lied to me. I'm angry at myself for being dumb enough to believe it all. I don't rage for sure but angry yes but it doesn't consume me. The irony is that just when he finally saw a divorce lawyer I finally saw him and me with real eyes: a lying mistress and a cheating husband. It doesn't matter how stinky his marriage is/was. She never did anything to me and I know it was wrong. He should have sorted his life out and resolved his issues there before chasing me or any other woman. The fact that he has status in the church and hands out Holy Communion makes me gag as well " Wow... your guy isn't a deacon is he? My guy is Catholic and was a deacon. But as soon as our a began he stopped doing his church stuff and told his priest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 " Wow... your guy isn't a deacon is he? My guy is Catholic and was a deacon. But as soon as our a began he stopped doing his church stuff and told his priest. Yes he is. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Yes he is. Holy cow. I have never met anyone else who went through that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Yes the whole religion thing was a big issue all along. The hypocrisy of it is unbelievable. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Yes the whole religion thing was a big issue all along. The hypocrisy of it is unbelievable. You know, my guy spoke to a priest a week ago about not being a deacon anymore (he doesn't do any duties but is still considered a deacon) and the priest told him it would be just as easy to marry me in the church and just keep being a deacon. No repercussions at all. I thought that was crazy. But, he wants to be done with it. I am not religious and we are raising 4 kids (I have 6 but two are grown and he has a grown daughter) and he just doesn't want to do it anymore. But they really just didn't think it was a big deal if he made things right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 3. I loved him, and maybe always will but I'll never go back even if he does get divorced. He didn't treat me kindly and thought I was so unworthy that giving me crumbs was enough (which I accepted) I want someone who thinks from the start I'm worth the whole loaf of bread. Can you reconcile the contradiction here? If you love him then why NOT be with him? Your possible reply: Because of the hurt and mistrust. My reply to your possible reply: Then how is it love? Just something to consider... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Thank you. Is it wrong that I don't really mind if he is licking her shoes right now? I hope she doesn't take him back because I found out he had an affair while she was pregnant with their youngest 20 years ago. She deserves something better too, She may or may not take him back. The thing is, he had plenty of opportunities, just like she did too, to end their marriage. You have no real idea what goes on behind closed doors, only what he tells you and who knows what is really true/exaggerated ... They have children together so that bond is strong. If they want their family unit to stay as one, they will work hard together and fix things. Your out look and approach to this is healthy and that's a good thing. You seem really done and ready to move forward! That will make your healing go by easier since you're not looking to hang onto him and hope he'll be back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Thank you. Is it wrong that I don't really mind if he is licking her shoes right now? I hope she doesn't take him back because I found out he had an affair while she was pregnant with their youngest 20 years ago. She deserves something better too, She does deserve something better, but she will take him back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Can you reconcile the contradiction here? If you love him then why NOT be with him? Your possible reply: Because of the hurt and mistrust. My reply to your possible reply: Then how is it love? Just something to consider... Hi Eve and thanks for the food for thought. As you can see from 1. Above I say "loved" and "maybe always will" you are quite right to point out that maybe it wasn't love at all. It's all still pretty new and raw. After the fog lifts some more and I have time to self reflect it might become a moment of self awareness for me that it wasn't love at all. I'd love to give you some erudite and truthful answer but I don't have it right now. It's one on my list now of questions to answer to myself. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 She may or may not take him back. The thing is, he had plenty of opportunities, just like she did too, to end their marriage. You have no real idea what goes on behind closed doors, only what he tells you and who knows what is really true/exaggerated ... They have children together so that bond is strong. If they want their family unit to stay as one, they will work hard together and fix things. Your out look and approach to this is healthy and that's a good thing. You seem really done and ready to move forward! That will make your healing go by easier since you're not looking to hang onto him and hope he'll be back. Hi whichway .. Thanks for your reply. It's true I don't know what goes on behind closed doors, but what he told me (although my primary source of information) would be what I observed in person. Although my ex-AP and I were only in an affair 2.5 years and for the last 16 months didn't see each other in the flesh and it was emotional only, we worked together for over a decade so I have seen her in person and interacted with her fairly extensively during that time. However it's immaterial of she was hell on earth behind closed doors if either one of them wanted to end it they would have. Although their kids are out of college and away from home they are still a family. Thank you for recognising that I am certainly done and wild horses couldn't drag me back. At this point it may only be a seed of self respect that I am trying to make grow, and I'm working on my character too, but I'll never allow myself to be a Plan B or knowingly hurt someone again even if she would never have found out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 She does deserve something better, but she will take him back. Popsicle ... I agree completely. I know why I believe it but as you can see I'm quite new around here though I've been reading a lot. You seem to have some valuable insights and I'm interested in your thoughts. What leads you to this conclusion and I'll be happy to share my rationale as well. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Popsicle ... I agree completely. I know why I believe it but as you can see I'm quite new around here though I've been reading a lot. You seem to have some valuable insights and I'm interested in your thoughts. What leads you to this conclusion and I'll be happy to share my rationale as well. Thank you Because most couples do stay together after infidelity. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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