The Usual-ish Story **Updated and Merged**

[velvette]

Rain: I don't intend to "do" anything but retain representation who knows my history in case MM "does" something. That is a smart legal move.

 

 

He wont go in open court where every document mentioning the loan would be entered into evidence. They contain a lot of other information he would not want revealed. My aim here is a passive stance, with a lawyer in place "In case"

 

 

The reason I am concerned is that this seems to be a frivolous move and I am unable to identify the rationale on his side for this action

 

 

I think its safe to assume he doesn't consider it frivolous. Also, it may not be him that came up with whats been said, but the attorney after he consulted the attorney and told him/her how he felt at risk.

 

 

Others have offered motives. One I haven't seen is that you kind of made the first move (in his mind) by calling to tell his wife. You broke the cardinal rule of secrecy for A(in his mind) so now he's not sure what you are capable of and he's looking to cover all those bases.

[NewLeaf512]

I think its safe to assume he doesn't consider it frivolous. Also, it may not be him that came up with whats been said, but the attorney after he consulted the attorney and told him/her how he felt at risk.

 

 

Others have offered motives. One I haven't seen is that you kind of made the first move (in his mind) by calling to tell his wife. You broke the cardinal rule of secrecy for A(in his mind) so now he's not sure what you are capable of and he's looking to cover all those bases.

 

 

thank you for your post. I didn't actually call her. I said I was going to.

[beach]

Im not sure if I need to do anything but here is why I will take advice. I resigned from my firm giving up a salary near on £1M (a consequence I brought on myself by being OW) I'm in an occupation where reputation really counts. I don't even care about the $15,000. He has told his lawyer a lie, that he never borrowed it. I need to own the label OW, it's a just consequence of my actions. What I don't need pinned on me is nutty stalker who runs around lying to get sums of money from people. (Which by one of many charges could be theft by deception, extortion etc) those are all felony or criminal charges.

 

There is no way I'll even let anyone allege such or allude to it. This was an open correspondence and people talk. My ability to secure employment is paramount and that ability to find a new role must be protected. Instructing someone to sit and wait is in my best interest and I would advise a client of mine to do the same.

 

Protecting myself doesn't make me "that guy"

 

Sue him for the money. Looks like he's trying to scam you. He figures he will get away without any consequences.

 

Sue him - get your money back. File it today.

[velvette]

thank you for your post. I didn't actually call her. I said I was going to.

 

 

I thought you previously said you did call her, but that he had beaten you to the punch and told her about the A at which time instead of speaking to you she handed him the phone?

 

 

So, from his perspective you threatened him and went through with it. Calling the W automatically puts you in the loose cannon column whether you are or are not.

 

 

Could also be that if he painted you to his wife as the crazy obsessed OW that she told him he better do something to keep you out of their lives and away from her.

[NewLeaf512]

I thought you previously said you did call her, but that he had beaten you to the punch and told her about the A at which time instead of speaking to you she handed him the phone?

 

 

So, from his perspective you threatened him and went through with it. Calling the W automatically puts you in the loose cannon column whether you are or are not.

 

 

Could also be that if he painted you to his wife as the crazy obsessed OW that she told him he better do something to keep you out of their lives and away from her.

 

 

Gosh you have a good memory. Pretty close. I said (threatened) I would call her after work which was 6 hours from the time I said it. I went home and went to call her, as I had the phone in my hand it rang (beat me to the punch)

[NewLeaf512]

So I retained counsel. It's an intimidation letter. Nothing to worry about except that it's annoying and costs money.

 

 

The only possible claim BS might have is civil for "emotional duress" caused by me the OW. However has she has only known for 15 days it isn't likely her lawyer would get her to go for that as the court and filing fee would be bigger than any judgement, plus I could pull exMM into it as a co-defendant and Civil cases in their state are reported in the paper. I'd then have a counter claim for emotional duress against exMM which would cover 2 years and 8 months-ish.

 

 

I instructed to do nothing and just wait. it is likely to vanish.

 

 

It would be hard to prove I'm stalking since I have been NC and thousands of miles away.

[velvette]

Gosh you have a good memory. Pretty close. I said (threatened) I would call her after work which was 6 hours from the time I said it. I went home and went to call her, as I had the phone in my hand it rang (beat me to the punch)

 

OK and since you have said she was on the line and handed the phone to her H at which point you could hear her crying in the background, then I assume that means she dialed your number........meaning she drove that phone call.

 

 

Convo went like this probably.......him blah blah blah

 

 

her......ok lets see what OW has to say or OK lets call her and you can tell her its over in front of me (maybe she didn't trust him to dial the correct number and talk into air)

 

 

making it very likely that she is driving the bus and she is the one who sent him or went with him to attorney to send this over the top NC letter rather than the usual generic one

 

 

men in my experience don't generally think up weird revenge or FU gestures. They may do that in the heat of an argument, but they rarely sit around plotting them....esp against women.

[AnotherSadSong]

So I retained counsel. It's an intimidation letter. Nothing to worry about except that it's annoying and costs money.

 

 

The only possible claim BS might have is civil for "emotional duress" caused by me the OW. However has she has only known for 15 days it isn't likely her lawyer would get her to go for that as the court and filing fee would be bigger than any judgement, plus I could pull exMM into it as a co-defendant and Civil cases in their state are reported in the paper. I'd then have a counter claim for emotional duress against exMM which would cover 2 years and 8 months-ish.

 

 

I instructed to do nothing and just wait. it is likely to vanish.

 

 

It would be hard to prove I'm stalking since I have been NC and thousands of miles away.

 

 

Leaf you are headed in the right direction. He knows he is a coward and full of sh__. The only important thing now is that money because MM are not even worth a dirty rusted green residued penny!

[Susmay]

...

 

making it very likely that she is driving the bus and she is the one who sent him or went with him to attorney to send this over the top NC letter rather than the usual generic one

 

 

men in my experience don't generally think up weird revenge or FU gestures. They may do that in the heat of an argument, but they rarely sit around plotting them....esp against women.

 

 

I agree he's probably doing this either at his wife's insistence to demonstrate his "sincerity" or just damage control in general.

 

 

To me the lawyer's letter sounds like a variation on cease and desist, with no real threats of anything else happening. Just a shot across the bows really.

 

 

He's probably trying to avoid NewLeaf doing any exposure and also avoid his wife exposing either him or NewLeaf, or his wife contacting NewLeaf. This would make sense to him especially if he hasn't fully come clean with his BW, or is still lying to her.

 

 

I hate to say it, but they almost all lie and minimise after D-day and some go on an even bigger campaign of gaslighting the BW, than they did before a D-day.

[Susmay]

 

The only possible claim BS might have is civil for "emotional duress" caused by me the OW.

 

 

.

 

 

I think there's a tort here called something like intentional or negligent infliction of emotional harm or distress. I'm not sure whether it's been used anywhere (here or overseas) yet in cases of infidelity, but I would have thought the WS has some responsibility too. We don't have an alienation of affection tort here any more, but I believe some states in the USA do.

[sandylee1]

Gosh you have a good memory. Pretty close. I said (threatened) I would call her after work which was 6 hours from the time I said it. I went home and went to call her, as I had the phone in my hand it rang (beat me to the punch)

 

Actually I recall you said you called her as well, but he'd already confessed. This is what you said:

 

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On Monday afternoon, he called me to apologise for being an ass over the weekend. I told him it was over and reminded him of my intention to end it and tell his wife which I intended to do after work. *********After work I called her************, she answered the phone crying I told her who I was, and she handed the phone to him. He told me that he had told her everything about us and about seeing the divorce lawyer (I could hear her in the background ). He hasn't been to work and hasn't contacted me. I can only assume they are trying to work it out.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I guess he didn't know what you might say if you got in first and he obviously knew you weren't bluffing, hence he confessed. He had to confess before you told her everything.

[Susmay]

Actually I recall you said you called her as well, but he'd already confessed. ...

 

 

Some here would argue that it really doesn't matter who called who. After all we all withhold information that might identify us or others.

 

 

My view is that it IS important to be accurate in the information that "doesn't matter" and wouldn't identify anyone. This is because we are all here for discussion and/or advice, and it's more difficult to have a genuine discussion or give meaningful advice, if the relevant facts are too different from what is claimed.

 

 

However I'm not telling anyone what to do, or saying it's compulsory to be accurate. It's a decision for each of us to make. In the end each of us makes decisions and judgments about other posters and whether to respond to them.

[sandylee1]

Some here would argue that it really doesn't matter who called who.

 

.

 

I was linking this point to what Velvette said, about the letter not being frivolous. Specifically in relation to the view that maybe he did have a reason to think the OP was capable of revealing things he didn't want getting out, because she made the phone call as she threatened to and introduced herself to his wife.

 

On that basis, it probably DOES MATTER or at least it did to the MM, potentially prompting this course of action.

[Susmay]

I was linking this point to what Velvette said, about the letter not being frivolous. Specifically in relation to the view that maybe he did have a reason to think the OP was capable of revealing things he didn't want getting out, because she made the phone call as she threatened to and introduced herself to his wife.

 

On that basis, it probably DOES MATTER or at least it did to the MM, potentially prompting this course of action.

 

 

Yes that's exactly what I meant!

[NewLeaf512]

OK and since you have said she was on the line and handed the phone to her H at which point you could hear her crying in the background, then I assume that means she dialed your number........meaning she drove that phone call.

 

 

Convo went like this probably.......him blah blah blah

 

 

her......ok lets see what OW has to say or OK lets call her and you can tell her its over in front of me (maybe she didn't trust him to dial the correct number and talk into air)

 

 

making it very likely that she is driving the bus and she is the one who sent him or went with him to attorney to send this over the top NC letter rather than the usual generic one

 

 

men in my experience don't generally think up weird revenge or FU gestures. They may do that in the heat of an argument, but they rarely sit around plotting them....esp against women.

 

This is probably right because exMM is a disorganised and somewhat lazy sort who procrastinated always. Considering I've not broken NC it seems a bit odd now timing wise. Thanks for the insight

[NewLeaf512]

Actually I recall you said you called her as well, but he'd already confessed. This is what you said:

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On Monday afternoon, he called me to apologise for being an ass over the weekend. I told him it was over and reminded him of my intention to end it and tell his wife which I intended to do after work. *********After work I called her************, she answered the phone crying I told her who I was, and she handed the phone to him. He told me that he had told her everything about us and about seeing the divorce lawyer (I could hear her in the background ). He hasn't been to work and hasn't contacted me. I can only assume they are trying to work it out.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I guess he didn't know what you might say if you got in first and he obviously knew you weren't bluffing, hence he confessed. He had to confess before you told her everything.

 

Now you have me thinking about exactly how it went down that day. I know I made the threat around lunchtime 13:00?which would have been dog walking time prior to work for exMM. I remember saying that I would do it after work. I was in a highly emotional state all that afternoon and that I had clients that I wasn't giving my full attention to. I left Bedford Row about 7pm or just before and it took me 35 minutes to get there. Weirdly I remember what I was wearing. I let the dogs out and greeted the housekeeper. I went to my bedroom took my shoes off and used my personal mobile which I had to get out of my bag.

 

I don't have BS mobile so if I placed the call it had to be to the home number. I tried to check back through my phone but it doesn't store that much history, but I HAD to have dialled it because I don't believe BS has my mobile number and I specifically remember having my mobile. It had to have been me doing the dialling. I also remember being in a bit of a panic state. When I read my phrasing above its really awkward. I would never have had to explain who I was which is how it sounds above. She knew me by name, we had known each other before and I have a distinctive accent. So I probably just said BS it's OW. I'm sure she didn't ask me any questions. She did hand the phone over to him, and that's what he said, he may have put the phone down on me.

 

The whole thing lasted a minute and a half maybe.

 

I remember bursting into tears because it was then I really understood how much my actions had caused BS so much anguish. It was evident when I heard her. From his tone of voice it was unclear how his emotions were. Really I'd thought of myself not in a realistic way of being the cheap homewrecking Mistress which is what I was, but instead I used the term gf which is ridiculous. I

was in the state of sobbing where you are gasping and feel like throwing after tin NHS control

I should have hand written an apology email right then, but instead I had 2 valiums (prescription) washed it down with half a bottle of brunello and I was out pretty quick

Why did I forget the exact detail? Am I trying to absolve myself of guilt? Or was it because of the whole entitlement thing! I need to think about

This is something I need to understand so will ponder and come back. Thanks for calling me out here, I need to know how I could so easily forget my part in this.

[Poppy47]

In my country somebody has to physically accept a letter. Then it can be said to have been "served" on that person.

 

Poppy.

[NewLeaf512]

Some here would argue that it really doesn't matter who called who. After all we all withhold information that might identify us or others.

 

 

My view is that it IS important to be accurate in the information that "doesn't matter" and wouldn't identify anyone. This is because we are all here for discussion and/or advice, and it's more difficult to have a genuine discussion or give meaningful advice, if the relevant facts are too different from what is claimed.

 

 

However I'm not telling anyone what to do, or saying it's compulsory to be accurate. It's a decision for each of us to make. In the end each of us makes decisions and judgments about other posters and whether to respond to them.

 

I think you're totally right. Please see my response to the previous post.

[NewLeaf512]

In my country somebody has to physically accept a letter. Then it can be said to have been "served" on that person.

 

Poppy.

 

Poppy are you referring to a service of a court document perhaps like a divorce usually delivered by a process server, baliff or the police? In my experience that is only done on a writ of impending action not an intimidating letter but not sure how it works in all countries.

[NewLeaf512]

I think you're totally right. Please see my response to the previous post.

 

Susmay just to follow up on 1 point, the letter was representing exMM. Assuming he instructed alone, does he have the right to stop BS from knowledge he doesn't want her to know? Thanks.

[NewLeaf512]

Yes that's exactly what I meant!

 

Hi again I'll pose the same question... Does / Should WS get to control what all BS get to know? Thanks

[NewLeaf512]

I was linking this point to what Velvette said, about the letter not being frivolous. Specifically in relation to the view that maybe he did have a reason to think the OP was capable of revealing things he didn't want getting out, because she made the phone call as she threatened to and introduced herself to his wife.

 

On that basis, it probably DOES MATTER or at least it did to the MM, potentially prompting this course of action.

 

It's also been over 2 weeks from

dDay where I have been NC so the timing is a bit odd. I have to sleep now but I relate something interesting when I wake up.

[Susmay]

...I left Bedford Row about 7pm ...

 

Susmay just to follow up on 1 point, the letter was representing exMM. Assuming he instructed alone, does he have the right to stop BS from knowledge he doesn't want her to know? Thanks.

 

Hi again I'll pose the same question... Does / Should WS get to control what all BS get to know? Thanks

 

 

What is Bedford Row? If this is your workplace, you might not have intended to reveal this here on LS. Or maybe you did...

 

 

I'm not sure what you are asking me in the later 2 posts.

 

 

I doubt he has any legal right to prevent his wife acquiring knowledge. He can certainly ask his lawyer for complete confidentiality and he can request you to do not give his BW information. I doubt he can enforce it, but as you've retained your own lawyer you really need to ask him/her. Anything "commercial in confidence" you must not reveal but it seems to me that he doesn't want his BW to know the full extent of everything that transpired between you two. Most of which is probably nothing to do with any legal rights or obligations to maintain secrecy or confidentiality.

[Poppy47]

Poppy are you referring to a service of a court document perhaps like a divorce usually delivered by a process server, baliff or the police? In my experience that is only done on a writ of impending action not an intimidating letter but not sure how it works in all countries.

 

Not sure about that.

 

Either way, it's a cowardly act on MM's part. What kind of spineless man needs a lawyer to tell you that?

 

I think he is about to pee his panties with fright. Consequences might come back to bite him.

 

Poppy.

[Susmay]

Not sure about that.

 

Either way, it's a cowardly act on MM's part. What kind of spineless man needs a lawyer to tell you that?

 

I think he is about to pee his panties with fright. Consequences might come back to bite him.

 

Poppy.

 

 

It's a common problem with legally qualified people that they take a far more legalistic approach to something that is inherently a personal tragedy. A lawyer's letter that is just a cease and desist or request for a certain course of action can be delivered through the ordinary post or by email. It is only certain formal legal type documents that need to be "served" with proof.

 

 

I agree this guy is most likely very worried and no doubt he's been advised by his lawyer that a letter requesting NewLeaf's silence is simply a request that she's under no obligation to comply with. However given the situation I would suggest NewLeaf tread very carefully if she does decide to approach the BW. She should be aware of whatever stalking and defamation laws apply. However if BW actually wants info from NewLeaf then stalking of the BW is a no-go but it's still possible for NewLeaf to be perceived as stalking the MM, so best stay away from him given he's asked. She should stick to the truth so there's no defamation. No revealing of employer or client info. Save everything, to an external device as well, "just in case".