The Usual-ish Story **Updated and Merged**

[NewLeaf512]

I suspect the only decision he made was to humor you.

 

 

Frankly, this is the silliest thing I have heard of with regard to A and I would expect you would both be laughed out of court if it went there and as lawyers possibly even punished in some way for wasting the courts time. The minute you thought you had to prepare a doc like this you should have ended the A.

 

 

You are way overcomplicating this. You made it clear you were going to contact his W if he didn't do what you wanted. Whether you said it, put it in a contract or what, its a THREAT hanging over his head.

 

 

Then you let him know you were following through on that threat and you did. You are a loose cannon in his view and the email he had his attorney send is his attempt at damage control.

 

 

Just like your attorney has told you. Ignore it, remain no contact and focus on healing yourself rather than taking legal action. As for the money he owes you, cut your losses if you don't need it and move on with your life. If you are having trouble doing that, it might be wiser to consult a therapist than another attorney.

 

You are completely right. I was acting in a morally reprehensible way. I'm not a loose cannon. I was in a highly emotive state and acted irrationally. If you read my earlier posts, I am in therapy. I have cut my losses. I'm NC, I resigned my position, I've completely walked away and taken no legal action. And as I said in my previous post, that stupid ABC contract was what made me really pull my head out of my butt.

 

However just like I am respecting NC and certainly taking responsibility for my part in this disaster I was not alone. ExMM was there too. He misrepresented that he was separated which lured me in, and when I found out he was in fact still married as you mentioned I should have stopped the A completely. What I did was bad. I never saw him again in person but I continued the EA. I have not seen him in circa 2 years. Frankly I did not have the moral or emotional constitution to stop it because of obviously lack of moral integrity but (not an excuse just a fact) I was emotionally damaged after my husband committing suicide in our home whilst I was present. After some years of super grief and pain and isolation and throwing myself into my work, when I was so emotionally broken and exMM whom I already knew announced he was separated and pursued me, it seemed safe and honestly I threw myself into it. I've learned so much, hard lessons, some that I had no control over, some I had complete control over like this A. It's not a defence, I made a terrible choice which was selfish and hurtful. I'm not proud believe me.

 

I have a right however to earn a living too and just like I would not interfere with that I believe it's just that he not impede mine.

[NewLeaf512]

I do not see it as a way for the MM to humor leaf. I see it as this MM is an extra special kind of stupid. Leaf, did the personal loan documents specify what he was going to use the 15,000 for? Did it specify divorce or was he free to do whatever he wanted with the funds?

 

Specifically divorce and it referenced the name of the chosen solicitor and that solicitors fee schedule.

[AnotherSadSong]

On a different note, if the MM has not used a dime or only partial money on divorce lawyer fees, and instead used it for shopping sprees or bill payments, and you too have not actually seen each other in a long time (I thought you mentioned two years). He kept engaging you internationally with promises he never actually meant to keep, premeditation, then if I was you, Leaf, I would look into laws on the books about swindlers. These men are punished even if it involves a prefabricated love story on their side, but with intent to make over on someone.

 

 

Side note: Long drawn sentences from being tired...please excuse.

[AnotherSadSong]

Specifically divorce and it referenced the name of the chosen solicitor and that solicitors fee schedule.

 

Very interesting. Can you ask your representative to subpoena those bills. If he did not spend much, then he should have a rather lump sum of money to send you for repayment.

[RainDown]

Specifically divorce and it referenced the name of the chosen solicitor and that solicitors fee schedule.

 

It probably would have been smarter to wire the $15,000 directly to the solicitor's escrow account. That way when MM did not actually retain and file for divorce, the $15,000 would have been wired directly back to you and MM couldn't have used or kept the money.

 

Oh, well. Live and learn.

[AnotherSadSong]

It probably would have been smarter to wire the $15,000 directly to the solicitor's escrow account. That way when MM did not actually retain and file for divorce, the $15,000 would have been wired directly back to you and MM couldn't have used or kept the money.

 

Oh, well. Live and learn.

 

 

Exactly if his intent was not swindling internationally then the money should be in a retainer.

If he chose to pay off an automobile loan then he may be in some deep...if it goes against the legalized agreement.

[NewLeaf512]

If I have understood correctly, and of course I could be totally wrong:

 

 

One amount of $15,000 was apparently a loan from the OW to the MM, to help fund his divorce lawyer.

 

 

The other $15,000 mentioned, was an amount to be paid if the ABC was breached. NewLeaf has agreed this ABC is unenforceable anyway. However if he actually paid it, I guess the BW would have difficulty getting this back.

 

 

I really hope no real legal suits actually happen here. It really does look like posturing by some lawyers who have actually managed to involve some other lawyers!

 

Susmay as I said before and again in at least 5 other posts, I have no intention of contacting, litigating, attaching funds, impeding professional circumstances, martial relationships or anything else.

 

 

I've owned up to my part the best I can. The only way I would do anything at all is if exMM tried to ruin my career. I wouldn't expose I'd take a C&D in the first instance.

[velvette]

You are completely right. I was acting in a morally reprehensible way. I'm not a loose cannon. I was in a highly emotive state and acted irrationally. If you read my earlier posts, I am in therapy. I have cut my losses. I'm NC, I resigned my position, I've completely walked away and taken no legal action. And as I said in my previous post, that stupid ABC contract was what made me really pull my head out of my butt.

 

However just like I am respecting NC and certainly taking responsibility for my part in this disaster I was not alone. ExMM was there too. He misrepresented that he was separated which lured me in, and when I found out he was in fact still married as you mentioned I should have stopped the A completely. What I did was bad. I never saw him again in person but I continued the EA. I have not seen him in circa 2 years. Frankly I did not have the moral or emotional constitution to stop it because of obviously lack of moral integrity but (not an excuse just a fact) I was emotionally damaged after my husband committing suicide in our home whilst I was present. After some years of super grief and pain and isolation and throwing myself into my work, when I was so emotionally broken and exMM whom I already knew announced he was separated and pursued me, it seemed safe and honestly I threw myself into it. I've learned so much, hard lessons, some that I had no control over, some I had complete control over like this A. It's not a defence, I made a terrible choice which was selfish and hurtful. I'm not proud believe me.

 

I have a right however to earn a living too and just like I would not interfere with that I believe it's just that he not impede mine.

 

 

I'm not trying to be mean to you and I didn't say you are a loose cannon....only that he may see you that way right now because of what has happened.

 

 

I'm very sorry you have gone through so much pain, all the more reason to just walk away from this and work on letting it all go.

 

 

As of right now, I haven't heard anything he has done that will impede your ability to earn a living and he likely is not planning to do that unless you do something else that he perceives as threatening to him.

 

 

I get that you would be pissed over the email. I would be too. Just apply common sense instead of emotion and don't be cutting off your nose to spite your face. Isnt that what you are trained to do as an attorney. That's basically what your attorney has advised you.

 

 

Agonizing over this and what it means or why or what you should do is just another way of staying in contact with him and the A. You will see it here all the time.

 

 

The game will end when you stop playing. You had your parting shot, he had his, no reason to take it into overtime........just call it a tie and move on.

[NewLeaf512]

Very interesting. Can you ask your representative to subpoena those bills. If he did not spend much, then he should have a rather lump sum of money to send you for repayment.

 

I don't care about the $15,000. It is immaterial. I don't want to pursue it, cause anymore upset or interference or have any done to me. I don't care if he bought an Alpaca. I do know he retained this solicitor because he sent me a copy of the signed fee agreement and receipt. Literally I don't want this to continue on any front. Enough damage has been done.

[AnotherSadSong]

I'm not trying to be mean to you and I didn't say you are a loose cannon....only that he may see you that way right now because of what has happened.

 

 

I'm very sorry you have gone through so much pain, all the more reason to just walk away from this and work on letting it all go.

 

 

As of right now, I haven't heard anything he has done that will impede your ability to earn a living and he likely is not planning to do that unless you do something else that he perceives as threatening to him.

 

 

I get that you would be pissed over the email. I would be too. Just apply common sense instead of emotion and don't be cutting off your nose to spite your face. Isnt that what you are trained to do as an attorney. That's basically what your attorney has advised you.

 

 

Agonizing over this and what it means or why or what you should do is just another way of staying in contact with him and the A. You will see it here all the time.

 

 

The game will end when you stop playing. You had your parting shot, he had his, no reason to take it into overtime........just call it a tie and move on.

 

 

She needs to move on with her 15,000 dollars tucked nicely back in her bank account.

[AnotherSadSong]

I don't care about the $15,000. It is immaterial. I don't want to pursue it, cause anymore upset or interference or have any done to me. I don't care if he bought an Alpaca. I do know he retained this solicitor because he sent me a copy of the signed fee agreement and receipt. Literally I don't want this to continue on any front. Enough damage has been done.

 

 

 

Well that is up to you of course. He probably spent the most $2000 for a few consultations. I would never let a loan go unpaid. I feel he really got one over on you. I hope this works out better for you Leaf and you find a genuinely honest and loving man. This is a hard lesson to learn.

[NewLeaf512]

I'm not trying to be mean to you and I didn't say you are a loose cannon....only that he may see you that way right now because of what has happened.

 

 

I'm very sorry you have gone through so much pain, all the more reason to just walk away from this and work on letting it all go.

 

 

As of right now, I haven't heard anything he has done that will impede your ability to earn a living and he likely is not planning to do that unless you do something else that he perceives as threatening to him.

 

 

I get that you would be pissed over the email. I would be too. Just apply common sense instead of emotion and don't be cutting off your nose to spite your face. Isnt that what you are trained to do as an attorney. That's basically what your attorney has advised you.

 

 

Agonizing over this and what it means or why or what you should do is just another way of staying in contact with him and the A. You will see it here all the time.

 

 

The game will end when you stop playing. You had your parting shot, he had his, no reason to take it into overtime........just call it a tie and move on.

 

I feel that I have done that. Retaining a local lawyer is good common sense. He is instructed to sit there and do nothing unless a filing is made against me. I have NC.

 

I have been receiving 10 plus hang up calls from unidentifed numbers a day for the past 5 days. I must answer those calls because although I have tendered my resignation, notice period in my contract is 3 months a do am in handover gardening leave and whenever the police ring it shows up the same way.

 

It's not yet 3 weeks from DDay. I don't think that this is excessive agonising. I hurt. I hurt others. I can't make it better. I'm trying to deal with my consequences and get on with my life. If I felt no remorse or didn't care about the other people hurt by my actions (accepting it's too little too late) I'd be a total monster.

 

I respect your insights and comments and will take what I can onboard. Just know I am doing the best I can.

[AnotherSadSong]

I have extra senses of distaste for those who borrow money and do not pay back. I hope this man will have the integrity and do so himself.

 

 

I have loaned out money to people in need when asked (not 15,000) and they have never seemed to be able to make ends meet to pay it back, but not surprising, they seem to buy all sorts of new purchases on their FB sites.

 

 

I have learned that those who ask for handouts suddenly lose motivation when it comes to paying it back.

 

 

So my personal prejudice on personal loans made out of good faith not being paid back are always on alert.

[NewLeaf512]

So here's the state of it as I see it:

 

His shot across the bow was his formal way of warning me off (message received respected and already implicitly understood)

He's scared that I'm going to drop him in it. I'm not no worries.

He doesn't want me to ever mention it to anyone again. I'm not going to talk to anyone except my sister but I am not bound legally to confidentiality)

He doesn't want me to contact his family. I won't

I'll forgive the the loan

 

 

I put someone in place in the event he does something stupid (I doubt it but who knows)

 

As far as I can see there is only one thing remaining. While I have no intention of contacting anyone, I don't know if BW knows about this legal letter. I'm inclined to think not, because of his choice of representation. Way out of town, sole practice.

 

If BW had reached out to me previously, I had thought I would apologise to her. Now I think to engage with her if she contacted me would enrage exMM and I don't want to prolong this one more second than necessary.

 

Thoughts?

[AnotherSadSong]

So here's the state of it as I see it:

 

His shot across the bow was his formal way of warning me off (message received respected and already implicitly understood)

He's scared that I'm going to drop him in it. I'm not no worries.

He doesn't want me to ever mention it to anyone again. I'm not going to talk to anyone except my sister but I am not bound legally to confidentiality)

He doesn't want me to contact his family. I won't

I'll forgive the the loan

 

 

I put someone in place in the event he does something stupid (I doubt it but who knows)

 

As far as I can see there is only one thing remaining. While I have no intention of contacting anyone, I don't know if BW knows about this legal letter. I'm inclined to think not, because of his choice of representation. Way out of town, sole practice.

 

If BW had reached out to me previously, I had thought I would apologise to her. Now I think to engage with her if she contacted me would enrage exMM and I don't want to prolong this one more second than necessary.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

Sounds like you are dropping everything which is extremely thoughtful on your part because if the loan had been given to you by the MM, you could expect to be paying that back through excessive handling.

 

 

My thoughts, since you are dropping all matters, ignore the letter, who cares who is behind it or what is the motivation, block all, and report these calls to the telephone company and ask that they investigate the reason for excessive prank calls (don't young children do this, I do not know of any mature stabile adults who play these childish games), and put a stop to it if you cannot change your number for work purposes.

 

 

You seem well on your way to moving on. You have many stages to go through, so I hope for your mental sense, that your decisions now do not haunt you later in regards to what is your due.

[gettingstronger]

I feel like he has no idea who he is messing with and should take this initial action as his only action. I have a feeling the next one will not end so well for him.

[RainDown]

We are both solicitors and yes I did

 

OK - I'm really confused at this point. In a number of posts you refer to this man as a well-off solicitor or barrister:

____________________________________________________

The occupation we have requires us to look well turned out and involves global travel and provides an extremely generous salary.

____________________________________________________

 

_____________________________________________________

We are both on salaries just shy of 7 figures.

_____________________________________________________

 

__________________________________________________

(We are both barristers)

__________________________________________________

 

Etc, Etc.

 

However, in an earlier post here is what you said about MM:

 

________________________________________________

I'm a PhD in a serious academic discipline and ex -AP and his wife are high school graduates and she is in a menial job and he is just a bit better off.

________________________________________________

 

So is he a high school graduate in a menial job, or is he a barrister who earns just shy of 7 figures? Or are we talking about two different ex-APs???

 

It's hard to understand WTH is going on or provide useful feedback when the details keep changing.

[NewLeaf512]

OK - I'm really confused at this point. In a number of posts you refer to this man as a well-off solicitor or barrister:

____________________________________________________

The occupation we have requires us to look well turned out and involves global travel and provides an extremely generous salary.

____________________________________________________

 

_____________________________________________________

We are both on salaries just shy of 7 figures.

_____________________________________________________

 

__________________________________________________

(We are both barristers)

__________________________________________________

 

Etc, Etc.

 

However, in an earlier post here is what you said about MM:

 

________________________________________________

I'm a PhD in a serious academic discipline and ex -AP and his wife are high school graduates and she is in a menial job and he is just a bit better off.

________________________________________________

 

So is he a high school graduate in a menial job, or is he a barrister who earns just shy of 7 figures? Or are we talking about two different ex-APs???

 

It's hard to understand WTH is going on or provide useful feedback when the details keep changing.

 

BW is in a very low paid job & is a high school graduates. exMM is on a huge salary but he has several children in PhD programmes that he is paying for plus he supports BW parents who live in the same small town. Add 6 cars plus mortgage and you get why there is a disparity between their resources and mine

 

I have no children or other financial obligations. Hope that clears it up for you.

[NewLeaf512]

I feel like he has no idea who he is messing with and should take this initial action as his only action. I have a feeling the next one will not end so well for him.

 

Is your inference that I will take action against exMM? If so you could not be more wrong. He chose his BW and as I am just beginning a huge long journey to fix my self-esteem and self-awareness there is no way I'd want any more "consequences " for bad behaviour.

[RainDown]

BW is in a very low paid job & is a high school graduates. exMM is on a huge salary but he has several children in PhD programmes that he is paying for plus he supports BW parents who live in the same small town. Add 6 cars plus mortgage and you get why there is a disparity between their resources and mine

 

I have no children or other financial obligations. Hope that clears it up for you.

 

No, it really doesn't. But that's OK. I'm out.

[gettingstronger]

Is your inference that I will take action against exMM? If so you could not be more wrong. He chose his BW and as I am just beginning a huge long journey to fix my self-esteem and self-awareness there is no way I'd want any more "consequences " for bad behaviour.

 

 

 

No, I meant you'd do more to protect yourself. However, since I wrote that post additional info has come to light. Like Raindown, I'm out as well.

[NewLeaf512]

No, it really doesn't. But that's OK. I'm out.

 

Thank you for your post and input. It was very meaningful. I'm sorry if a poorly worded sentence caused you confusion but I think you can see from the time stamps on my posts that I'm so undone by my bad behaviour that I'm sleeping about 3 hours out of 24.

[Popsicle]

So here's the state of it as I see it:

 

His shot across the bow was his formal way of warning me off (message received respected and already implicitly understood)

He's scared that I'm going to drop him in it. I'm not no worries.

He doesn't want me to ever mention it to anyone again. I'm not going to talk to anyone except my sister but I am not bound legally to confidentiality)

He doesn't want me to contact his family. I won't

I'll forgive the the loan

 

 

I put someone in place in the event he does something stupid (I doubt it but who knows)

 

As far as I can see there is only one thing remaining. While I have no intention of contacting anyone, I don't know if BW knows about this legal letter. I'm inclined to think not, because of his choice of representation. Way out of town, sole practice.

 

If BW had reached out to me previously, I had thought I would apologise to her. Now I think to engage with her if she contacted me would enrage exMM and I don't want to prolong this one more second than necessary.

 

Thoughts?

 

I think you've got the right idea and are doing the right thing here.

[NewLeaf512]

No, I meant you'd do more to protect yourself. However, since I wrote that post additional info has come to light. Like Raindown, I'm out as well.

 

Thank you for your post and taking an interest in my situation. As with Raindown a poorly constructed sentence written on an iPhone on 3 hours sleep is a shame to lose your input, but thank you for all your insights.

[lollipopspot]

I can't read all of this, but how about emailing him directly and saying you want your 15K or that you'll come to his place of work or home to get it. He needs to pay you back just to keep you away.