The Usual-ish Story **Updated and Merged**

[NewLeaf512]

(((Hugs))) to all the OW/OM who are suffering today.

 

 

 

Thank you Popsicle

[NewLeaf512]

You've already had some great advice here, but I just wanted to add that possibly you could consider trying to change your mindset.

 

You could look at it as standing in the wreckage, or you could look at it as a blank canvas on which you can rebuild any life you want.

 

I'd like to quote the Simpsons if I may.

 

Lisa: 'Did you know the Chinese use the same word for crisis as they do for opportunity?'

Homer: 'Yes. Crisertunity'.

 

A silly thing, but reminds me that even when things are at their worst for me, I still have a lot of opportunities that other people would be lucky to have.

 

Feel better x

 

 

Gloria thank you for the alternate perspective. A little more difficult for me but, Good to change outlook whenever possible

[Phoenician]

Are you experienced w/vibrators? The hitachi wand is a major league/high impact device, so you may want to start smaller if you're new-ish.

 

Jen you really amaze me

has there been someting sexual in life you haven't tried

you are gorgeous .

[Phoenician]

(((Hugs))) to all the OW/OM who are suffering today.

 

I need a big hug (you will be responsible if i can't let u go ) , my wedding aniversary was on sunday and I am depressed ...

it reminds me of a joke :

 

a wife found her husband crying in kitchen , she asked him :

 

-her : what is the prob?

-him : do you remember 20 years back when your dad put a gun on my head and told me either i marry u or go to prison for 20 years ?

-her :" yes

-him : I would have been released by now

[NewLeaf512]

I need a big hug (you will be responsible if i can't let u go ) , my wedding aniversary was on sunday and I am depressed ...

it reminds me of a joke :

 

a wife found her husband crying in kitchen , she asked him :

 

-her : what is the prob?

-him : do you remember 20 years back when your dad put a gun on my head and told me either i marry u or go to prison for 20 years ?

-her :" yes

-him : I would have been released by now

 

 

Here is a big hug too x

[Poppy47]

Me too leaf.

 

Went out with some friends at the weekend on a lovely river cruise. Unfortunately it was the same one I did with MM.

Ever since I have been feeling a bit down in the mouth.

 

I realised to day how many memories it brought flooding back. It wasn't a great idea to revisit the river cruise so soon.

 

I am seeing myself as now free to pursue whatever I like in the future. It was difficult to know what was happening from day to day during the A. No more stress like that.

 

Try to think of yourself opening the front door to your new future... step out of the ruins of the past. It IS the past anyway ,so no use to you now.

 

Cheers,

Poppy.

[GoldenAxe]

Hope everyone's doing at least a tiny bit better today,

[Dela]

Hope everyone's doing at least a tiny bit better today,

 

hello day 4 here. i am dong a little better. didn t have my crying ritual yet.

 

the last days i wake up, make my coffee and log in here to see how everyone s doing. i usually cry before i come here. not today (hmmm).

 

i do feel down yet. maybe i m just dehidrated (lol, a smile).

 

how is eveyone else doing today?

 

hugs

[nikki76]

feeling like crap today. I came across an old email address that i havent used since last year. I couldnt sleep, so of course, I decided to search for xmm name. An email popped up from him, that I never saw, from February (when I was in another attempt of NC).

 

My heart dropped for a second, thinking it was from recent.

 

Now i feel so down. Knowing that if he REALLY wanted to get in touch with me, he couldve used that email. Its a huge bash to my ego that I'm not worth reaching out to.

 

Today is probably my worse day of NC. Saturday will be 3 months.

 

I just deleted that email address.

[GoldenAxe]

Poop I woke up at 3am from a bad dream. It was me and him and he said things were going well between them. Usually you can't wake me at 8am

[NewLeaf512]

Hi Poppy

 

 

I am pretty lucky. not living on the same continent helps

 

 

I started painting my garden fence

 

 

 

 

Me too leaf.

 

Went out with some friends at the weekend on a lovely river cruise. Unfortunately it was the same one I did with MM.

Ever since I have been feeling a bit down in the mouth.

 

I realised to day how many memories it brought flooding back. It wasn't a great idea to revisit the river cruise so soon.

 

I am seeing myself as now free to pursue whatever I like in the future. It was difficult to know what was happening from day to day during the A. No more stress like that.

 

Try to think of yourself opening the front door to your new future... step out of the ruins of the past. It IS the past anyway ,so no use to you now.

 

Cheers,

Poppy.

[NewLeaf512]

I think I did a little better yesterday. I drank lots of water, painted a tiny fence, did job stuff, and some admin. I ate a meal but I still was laying awake at 3am.

 

 

Satu: you were right staying in trying to focus too much on the job hunt isn't great, I need structure but I have to vary it.

 

 

So today I will do some job hunting, I have a telephone screen as well.

 

 

Finish off the painting.

 

 

Do some admin, and now that I don't have a role lined up, cancel club memberships etc., to bring monthly outgoings down because I have no idea how long it will take to find a new role (haven't looked for one in over a decade), typically in my profession I have heard recently it can take 4-6 months of interviewing with the same firm before an offer is extended. Also my age may or may not be a deterrent.

 

 

The good news is that I'm not missing and longing for exMM. I think that is down to lots of reasons but I am glad for that. What is niggling me is the whole bizarre ending scenario which not only will I never understand, but also never get closure on so I am now working on closing the door on that. I'd like to be able to get to a point where if it pops into my mind, I just shrug my shoulders and think "weird!"

 

 

My therapist who I love and have been seeing for some time takes the whole month of August off. That has me a bit concerned as well.

 

 

I don't want anyone to think I am skipping about, Im very blue, not with longing or desire but regretful from start to not yet completely finished (maybe) depending on if exMM and or BS pull anymore legal stuff.

 

 

sigh

[NewLeaf512]

feeling like crap today. I came across an old email address that i havent used since last year. I couldnt sleep, so of course, I decided to search for xmm name. An email popped up from him, that I never saw, from February (when I was in another attempt of NC).

 

My heart dropped for a second, thinking it was from recent.

 

Now i feel so down. Knowing that if he REALLY wanted to get in touch with me, he couldve used that email. Its a huge bash to my ego that I'm not worth reaching out to.

 

Today is probably my worse day of NC. Saturday will be 3 months.

 

I just deleted that email address.

 

 

Nikki you did the right thing. I like to amuse myself pinning things on another board and I saw a quote that said "It's simple, if he wanted me, he would be here."

 

 

That pretty much sums it up. I've accepted it. It wasn't my favourite feeling, but who wants to be the annoying person that's unwanted trailing behind? I don't xx

[Hope Shimmers]

I've had a freaking crappy day clinically (was on service part of the day). Too many young people dying from cancer and renal failure and other horrible stuff.

 

Put some things into perspective, if nothing else.

[NewLeaf512]

Poop I woke up at 3am from a bad dream. It was me and him and he said things were going well between them. Usually you can't wake me at 8am

 

 

 

I hope you have been sleeping better

[Dela]

I hope you have been sleeping better

 

 

hei NewLeaf,

 

how ru today? how is everyone today?

[NewLeaf512]

Hi I have an update. Will post in the morning

[NewLeaf512]

So here is the update. I hired lawyers like I indicated and had them sitting there waiting. exMM lawyer sent another email to me asking me who was representing me and demanding they contact him. I passed it to my lawyers, who then sent exMM lawyers a letter refuting his allegations, providing proof of the loan, agreeing that I wont contact exMM or his family and For him to reciprocate and not contact me ever again.

My letter further stated that due to exMM inability to be truthful (as an example by telling his lawyer he did not owe me any monies) I could not rely upon his word or promise. Please to pay the loan back within 5 business days in full.

As a dual citizen I am covered by Constitutional Law and although I have no intention of discussing this failed romance, instigated by him under false pretences at this time, I reserve the right to do so at any time.

I have committed no criminal action, or civil action to prosecute. If this is threatened again I will bring a frivolous claim.

 

 

end

 

 

My lawyers think exMM or BS are trying to get money from me, I said no, the bet me $10

 

 

within 1 hour, exMM lawyer who is on vacation, calls my lawyers. ExMM agrees to do everything I want to resolve, however, let me quote the transcript of the call between the lawyers: (He in this case is exMM lawyer)

 

 

He does want you tonot contact the powers that be at (redacted firm name where we both work/ed) and try to get his client fired.

 

That is basically admitting his gross misconduct and not wanting me to turn him in is what all this is about.

Edited July 24, 2015 by NewLeaf512
forgot a word in last sentence

[RainDown]

So here is the update. I hired lawyers like I indicated and had them sitting there waiting. exMM lawyer sent another email to me asking me who was representing me and demanding they contact him. I passed it to my lawyers, who then sent exMM lawyers a letter refuting his allegations, providing proof of the loan, agreeing that I wont contact exMM or his family and For him to reciprocate and not contact me ever again.

My letter further stated that due to exMM inability to be truthful (as an example by telling his lawyer he did not owe me any monies) I could not rely upon his word or promise. Please to pay the loan back within 5 business days in full.

As a dual citizen I am covered by Constitutional Law and although I have no intention of discussing this failed romance, instigated by him under false pretences at this time, I reserve the right to do so at any time.

I have committed no criminal action, or civil action to prosecute. If this is threatened again I will bring a frivolous claim.

 

 

end

 

 

My lawyers think exMM or BS are trying to get money from me, I said no, the bet me $10

 

 

within 1 hour, exMM lawyer who is on vacation, calls my lawyers. ExMM agrees to do everything I want to resolve, however, let me quote the transcript of the call between the lawyers: (He in this case is exMM lawyer)

 

 

He does want you tonot contact the powers that be at (redacted firm name where we both work/ed) and try to get his client fired.

 

That is basically admitting his gross misconduct and not wanting me to turn him in is what all this is about.

 

I don't think that's going to work for you. While he may have instigated the romance under false pretenses, from a judge's perspective (or anyone else's) you voluntarily continued the affair for a couple of years even after you found out he was married. It's not like he lured you in by lying about being married and you then dumped him when you found out. Instead, you continued the affair, and even loaned him the money for his divorce retainer on top of everything else. After all that, you can hardly claim "false pretenses" even if you wanted to.

 

I'd walk away from all this. You're in the process of seeking new employment, and while I do understand that you are standing on principle here, none of it makes you look good to a prospective employer. Or judge. I think you'd be wise to just cut your losses and move on. The man is not worth all this energy and potential negative blow to your professional reputation.

[Susmay]

...

 

 

He does want you tonot contact the powers that be at (redacted firm name where we both work/ed) and try to get his client fired.

 

That is basically admitting his gross misconduct and not wanting me to turn him in is what all this is about.

 

 

I guess they will try to make it a condition of him repaying the loan. I'd continue to reserve your right to discuss it, with whoever you want...

[NewLeaf512]

I don't think that's going to work for you. While he may have instigated the romance under false pretenses, from a judge's perspective (or anyone else's) you voluntarily continued the affair for a couple of years even after you found out he was married. It's not like he lured you in by lying about being married and you then dumped him when you found out. Instead, you continued the affair, and even loaned him the money for his divorce retainer on top of everything else. After all that, you can hardly claim "false pretenses" even if you wanted to.

 

I'd walk away from all this. You're in the process of seeking new employment, and while I do understand that you are standing on principle here, none of it makes you look good to a prospective employer. Or judge. I think you'd be wise to just cut your losses and move on. The man is not worth all this energy and potential negative blow to your professional reputation.

 

 

thanks for your post. this isn't a court action. I have not committed any criminal or civil acts. These are simply letters and a call between lawyers. I'm not sure why you think a judge or a potential employer would be involved here. I'd enjoy walking away. I'm being pursued with nuisance letters from his lawyer. I didn't bring up the loan, exMM did. I had cut my losses. I resigned my job, had no contact and live in a different country. exMM instigated it.

[NewLeaf512]

I guess they will try to make it a condition of him repaying the loan. I'd continue to reserve your right to discuss it, with whoever you want...

 

 

 

Exactly. who cares about the loan. It's a red herring. I wont warrant one thing and Susmay you know letters between lawyers are not binding. I don't want to talk to anyone I know about exMM. ExMM has done a lot of crap things to me over the years but the final insult is making me have to find representation in exMM home state and drop a packet on this bull.

Edited July 24, 2015 by NewLeaf512
spelling

[NewLeaf512]

At least the only positive outcome out of this legal crap is that there is no way exMM can break NC.

[sandylee1]

It really seems that you're being told to shut up in order to get your money back. Although, I think he's more concerned about exposure to your employer, rather than anyone else.

 

I'd still be pretty ticked off though and even if I had no intention to grass him up, I'd decline that offer and state that it was a loan and I want my cash back. Otherwise , I'll be off to the small claims court or wherever.

 

You know it always makes the mind boggle when lawyers and police officers leave evidence of their inappropriate behaviour. Why did he not have the sense to get a second phone?

[NewLeaf512]

It really seems that you're being told to shut up in order to get your money back. Although, I think he's more concerned about exposure to your employer, rather than anyone else.

 

I'd still be pretty ticked off though and even if I had no intention to grass him up, I'd decline that offer and state that it was a loan and I want my cash back. Otherwise , I'll be off to the small claims court or wherever.

 

You know it always makes the mind boggle when lawyers and police officers leave evidence of their inappropriate behaviour. Why did he not have the sense to get a second phone?

 

Thank you for your message. ExMM and I live in different countries so I won't be bothering with small claims court where any action is a matter of public record. I have zero intention of grassing him out, not worth my time. However in effect he threw an offensive legal at me threatening me with unfounded civil and legal action and denied he owed me monies when I was NC, he ends by basically asking for a favour/ promise to revoke my Constitutional Rights to protect / save him. I owe him nothing. The amount of the loan is soon going to be less than my legal costs and the time I've spent having to deal with BS. He can take his request and naff off. I walked away without asking for it, I consider it the same way I do all material things in this so called relationship = trash