The Usual-ish Story **Updated and Merged**

[TerraIncognita]

NewLeaf, without trying to insult you... I have been wondering for a few days now, how much of your alleged affair actually happened only in your head?

 

I was watching a French movie last night, Audrey Tautou starring in "he loves me, he loves me not". The movie tells two stories - a story of a gal student having an A with a successful married doctor who exploits her and eventually goes back to his wife (her perspective), and a story of a successful married doctor who, having found out that his wife is pregnant, is so elated and happy that he yanks a rose out of the bouquet he bought for his wife, and hands to a gal student who happened to be in the flower shop. The gal decides that his gesture means they are now having an A and he is in love with her; imagining and acting out the most bizarre stuff. She ends up almost ruining his life and attempting suicide.

 

The movie made me think of you, NewLeaf....

 

How much of what you are telling us and yourself is real and not a product of your imagination?

[Mount]

I kind of agreeing with you "TerraIncognita". Affair, despite it is a kind of twisted relationship, as either one of the partner is married or having SO already, but still, Affair it should be man loving that woman very much, by constantly showing his love via time devotion (although limited), frequent gift (jewelry), dinning wining, flowers...etc etc.

 

Not only for "NewLeaf", for other OW posters, I constantly see they were saying the MMs got money from them, borrowed money from OWs...I was quite shocking or do not understand at all how it could happen.

 

Was it really a "loving" affair relationship, or OWs were just some items providing convenience, such as money or others to their (so-called) MMs?

 

 

 

NewLeaf, without trying to insult you... I have been wondering for a few days now, how much of your alleged affair actually happened only in your head?

 

I was watching a French movie last night, Audrey Tautou starring in "he loves me, he loves me not". The movie tells two stories - a story of a gal student having an A with a successful married doctor who exploits her and eventually goes back to his wife (her perspective), and a story of a successful married doctor who, having found out that his wife is pregnant, is so elated and happy that he yanks a rose out of the bouquet he bought for his wife, and hands to a gal student who happened to be in the flower shop. The gal decides that his gesture means they are now having an A and he is in love with her; imagining and acting out the most bizarre stuff. She ends up almost ruining his life and attempting suicide.

 

The movie made me think of you, NewLeaf....

 

How much of what you are telling us and yourself is real and not a product of your imagination?

[NewLeaf512]

NewLeaf, without trying to insult you... I have been wondering for a few days now, how much of your alleged affair actually happened only in your head?

 

I was watching a French movie last night, Audrey Tautou starring in "he loves me, he loves me not". The movie tells two stories - a story of a gal student having an A with a successful married doctor who exploits her and eventually goes back to his wife (her perspective), and a story of a successful married doctor who, having found out that his wife is pregnant, is so elated and happy that he yanks a rose out of the bouquet he bought for his wife, and hands to a gal student who happened to be in the flower shop. The gal decides that his gesture means they are now having an A and he is in love with her; imagining and acting out the most bizarre stuff. She ends up almost ruining his life and attempting suicide.

 

The movie made me think of you, NewLeaf....

 

How much of what you are telling us and yourself is real and not a product of your imagination?

 

 

Thanks for your post. It's actually very insulting. Who the heck would want this? To have been in love (I thought) with someone, accepting ill treatment because I obviously don't think much of myself, and thinking I had a chance at love despite the facts in front of me. I wrote another post but it disappeared, I don't know how to prove it to you because I cant post all the letters, photos and voicemails of a personal nature to a complete stranger nor do I know that I care what you think. No one with a brain and self respect would choose what I did. Not only did I make a complete arse of myself and get my heart broken, I did things I am ashamed of that will haunt me forever.

 

 

I don't know what your story is, but I can't imagine anyone would choose this crappy situation, screw over their own career, desperately wait for Monday morning for the first text after the long, long weekend spent anxiously wondering if this Monday would be the Monday he'd end it.

 

 

You are certainly entitled to your opinion, for whatever reason, but most people have fantasies of happy things like holiday, a beach, seeing friends, and other enjoyable experiences.

 

 

There is so much judgement and finger pointing, accusing and just downright meanness it's absolutely incredible. I thought this was supposed to be a place of support. It's pretty much not.

 

 

I hope no one calls whatever your story is, especially if it is filled with pain and embarrassment false. It's a pretty crap thing to do to someone.

[Lois_Griffin]

He does want you tonot contact the powers that be at (redacted firm name where we both work/ed) and try to get his client fired.

Soooo....you can't contact his company and rat him out if you want your money.

 

But....someone else CAN?

 

Yeah, I'd get my money from dickhead and make sure I'm good, then let someone ELSE rat his worthless ass out. Yup. I would.

 

But not before I pulled up a front row seat, got myself a big old barrel of buttered popcorn, and sat down to watch the show. And it WOULD be worth the price of admission.

[NewLeaf512]

I kind of agreeing with you "TerraIncognita". Affair, despite it is a kind of twisted relationship, as either one of the partner is married or having SO already, but still, Affair it should be man loving that woman very much, by constantly showing his love via time devotion (although limited), frequent gift (jewelry), dinning wining, flowers...etc etc.

 

Not only for "NewLeaf", for other OW posters, I constantly see they were saying the MMs got money from them, borrowed money from OWs...I was quite shocking or do not understand at all how it could happen.

 

Was it really a "loving" affair relationship, or OWs were just some items providing convenience, such as money or others to their (so-called) MMs?

 

 

Thanks for your post. Of course he didn't really love me. I was an idiot who was available, agreeable and willing to soak up all the fake stuff he said because I was lonely and wanted to be loved. Every single sign that ExMM gave that should have informed me that he was still M and he didn't really love me I made excuses to myself for. ( it's the time change) ( he is going to uni to see his kids ) ( he has a heavy case on) and on and on I shrugged away any weird behaviour. Yes I absolutely made a butt of myself giving him gifts that were way too OTT. In my mind he'd been so deprived because of all the bills he was carrying. I wanted to treat him. (Of course now I know I was trying to buy him). It's all embarrassing but I did it.

[NewLeaf512]

Soooo....you can't contact his company and rat him out if you want your money.

 

But....someone else CAN?

 

Yeah, I'd get my money from dickhead and make sure I'm good, then let someone ELSE rat his worthless ass out. Yup. I would.

 

But not before I pulled up a front row seat, got myself a big old barrel of buttered popcorn, and sat down to watch the show. And it WOULD be worth the price of admission.

 

On some sick level the thought of "the company" seeing all the media and him getting fired makes me feel "serves you right", but that would not just teach him a lesson. It would ruin his life and his BS kids parents and in laws. Those people never did anything to me. And for what? It wasn't like he kidnapped me and made me do the things I did. Yes he's a douche and will probably always be one. I'm trying to be a better person.

 

Thanks for your post

[anika99]

NewLeaf, without trying to insult you... I have been wondering for a few days now, how much of your alleged affair actually happened only in your head?

 

I was watching a French movie last night, Audrey Tautou starring in "he loves me, he loves me not". The movie tells two stories - a story of a gal student having an A with a successful married doctor who exploits her and eventually goes back to his wife (her perspective), and a story of a successful married doctor who, having found out that his wife is pregnant, is so elated and happy that he yanks a rose out of the bouquet he bought for his wife, and hands to a gal student who happened to be in the flower shop. The gal decides that his gesture means they are now having an A and he is in love with her; imagining and acting out the most bizarre stuff. She ends up almost ruining his life and attempting suicide.

 

The movie made me think of you, NewLeaf....

 

How much of what you are telling us and yourself is real and not a product of your imagination?

 

I don't understand this post. What specifically about NewLeaf's story makes you think this? I have seen the occasional poster pop up who seems to be imagining their affair, but I haven't seen anything in NewLeaf's posts that gives that impression.

[Mount]

Hey don't feel bad about it anymore, that only shows how you are a nice person with great heart. And also, regardless affair or not, if he had been a decent man who has back-bone, he should not have accepted $$ or gift from you at the first place.

 

 

Maybe going forward you can use the lesson as touchstone, once you see any man accepting $$ from a woman (like they deserve it), run fast from that kind of guy.

 

 

Thanks for your post. Of course he didn't really love me. I was an idiot who was available, agreeable and willing to soak up all the fake stuff he said because I was lonely and wanted to be loved. Every single sign that ExMM gave that should have informed me that he was still M and he didn't really love me I made excuses to myself for. ( it's the time change) ( he is going to uni to see his kids ) ( he has a heavy case on) and on and on I shrugged away any weird behaviour. Yes I absolutely made a butt of myself giving him gifts that were way too OTT. In my mind he'd been so deprived because of all the bills he was carrying. I wanted to treat him. (Of course now I know I was trying to buy him). It's all embarrassing but I did it.

[NewLeaf512]

I don't understand this post. What specifically about NewLeaf's story makes you think this? I have seen the occasional poster pop up who seems to be imagining their affair, but I haven't seen anything in NewLeaf's posts that gives that impression.

 

Anika Thanks for your post. I've read back through the posts of that poster and I'm not paying any mind. I wrote a really great post but I must have deleted it and had to repost. It's ok everyone is entitled to their opinion, and I feel sorry for the poster as they seem very angry and just needs to get it out.

 

I'll continue to work on myself and my self esteem. I really appreciate your post.

[Dela]

NewLeaf, without trying to insult you... I have been wondering for a few days now, how much of your alleged affair actually happened only in your head?

 

I was watching a French movie last night, Audrey Tautou starring in "he loves me, he loves me not". The movie tells two stories - a story of a gal student having an A with a successful married doctor who exploits her and eventually goes back to his wife (her perspective), and a story of a successful married doctor who, having found out that his wife is pregnant, is so elated and happy that he yanks a rose out of the bouquet he bought for his wife, and hands to a gal student who happened to be in the flower shop. The gal decides that his gesture means they are now having an A and he is in love with her; imagining and acting out the most bizarre stuff. She ends up almost ruining his life and attempting suicide.

 

The movie made me think of you, NewLeaf....

 

How much of what you are telling us and yourself is real and not a product of your imagination?

 

 

yeah, once in a while, someone comes here and insults, attacks and give their opinion without knowing the full story...

as far as i know, OW here were actually involved in As. none of them only THINK they were.

i m just saying, everyone who s here needs support based on their current problem.

no need to go Dr Freud on them.

 

Cheers NewLeaf

[sandylee1]

Thank you for your message. ExMM and I live in different countries so I won't be bothering with small claims court where any action is a matter of public record. I have zero intention of grassing him out, not worth my time. However in effect he threw an offensive legal at me threatening me with unfounded civil and legal action and denied he owed me monies when I was NC, he ends by basically asking for a favour/ promise to revoke my Constitutional Rights to protect / save him. I owe him nothing. The amount of the loan is soon going to be less than my legal costs and the time I've spent having to deal with BS. He can take his request and naff off. I walked away without asking for it, I consider it the same way I do all material things in this so called relationship = trash

 

For bringing in the legal eagles, I'd want him to take care of your legal fees.

 

In some ways he just seems so pathetic. ...running scared and taking legal action , when he brought all this on himself by cheating. I'd just hate to be married to such an idiot. He had the balls to start an affair, now he's **** scared of the fallout.

 

It's like you have to sign a compromise agreement and that's what I'd find very annoying. You should get your money back regardless. I think he's also scared that you could tell his wife (though you don't plan to) that he borrowed the cash for a divorce. Why MM don't think of the consequences beats me

 

I wonder if he really intended to do that , or he just wanted the cash for something else.

[NewLeaf512]

For bringing in the legal eagles, I'd want him to take care of your legal fees.

 

In some ways he just seems so pathetic. ...running scared and taking legal action , when he brought all this on himself by cheating. I'd just hate to be married to such an idiot. He had the balls to start an affair, now he's **** scared of the fallout.

 

It's like you have to sign a compromise agreement and that's what I'd find very annoying. You should get your money back regardless. I think he's also scared that you could tell his wife (though you don't plan to) that he borrowed the cash for a divorce. Why MM don't think of the consequences beats me

 

I wonder if he really intended to do that , or he just wanted the cash for something else.

 

Thanks so much for your post. Why he couldn't write an email that said "I'm staying with BS and I don't ever want you to contact me again." That would have been sufficient. I know ExMM used the money for the intended purpose because he sent me an iMessage of the signed fee and representation agreements and the receipt for paying it. It likely went into the lawyer's escrow account which he could get all or partially back.

 

I'll never sign a compromise agreement. I'll forgo the money because the data is my insurance that he never contacts me again and that he never speaks out badly about me. ExMM has to retire from "the company". He's been there almost 25 years and never made Partner which I did and it drove him bonkers. I pointed out we were in different practice areas in different countries but I know it bothered him. At his age and not having been made Partner, getting bounced on gross misconduct would make him unemployable. And if tried to switch firms now it would be hard based on age, tenure with firm and not being made partner.

Plus he's in a senior leadership role in his church.

 

Of course he didn't tell BS the truth.

But none of that matters now. It's over.

I have no intention of ever using it, but for him to know I have it will stop him from messing me about ever again. Here's the first line of my lawyers email back to me after ExMM 's lawyer received my lawyer's letter. I've redacted any identifying info (my lawyers thought exMM wanted money, I said no way, it's something else and I bet them $10.

 

Looks like you will win the $10. I just heard from his attorney that they are willing to cooperate in every way in resolving this.

 

I just want it done now. It's made it drag on needlessly.

[anna121]

If you don't want to promise to stay quiet (and I agree that you shouldn't) then just have your lawyer write back that you expect the money to be paid and that you will not accept any restrictions on your freedom of expression (or whatever is the legal term in your system). You should also add a line that he is not to contact your lawyers except to indicate acceptance of these terms, and this is not a negotiation.

 

You don't need the money and you don't intend to rat him out, but there's no reason for HIM to know that.

 

The least you can do is make him sweat a little for God's sake.

 

That hurts no one else (which seems to be a concern of yours) but him.

 

In the meantime, go no contact with him yourself.

[NewLeaf512]

If you don't want to promise to stay quiet (and I agree that you shouldn't) then just have your lawyer write back that you expect the money to be paid and that you will not accept any restrictions on your freedom of expression (or whatever is the legal term in your system). You should also add a line that he is not to contact your lawyers except to indicate acceptance of these terms, and this is not a negotiation.

 

You don't need the money and you don't intend to rat him out, but there's no reason for HIM to know that.

 

The least you can do is make him sweat a little for God's sake.

 

That hurts no one else (which seems to be a concern of yours) but him.

 

In the meantime, go no contact with him yourself.

 

 

Thank you for your post. I have been NC. and as above that is exactly what I intend to do.

[Dela]

Thanks for your post. I wonder how it feels to be so cynical and hateful. I hope you have a better day. It might be useful to you to take out some of the venom you carry on WH who had a 6 year affair.

 

This happens here a lot lately. Some people talk to us like WE ve been involved with their H, not someone else(happened to me also)

 

And i have no idea how it works OW TO JUDGE OW. I mean, really. We are in the same $h!t.

[NewLeaf512]

This happens here a lot lately. Some people talk to us like WE ve been involved with their H, not someone else(happened to me also)

 

And i have no idea how it works OW TO JUDGE OW. I mean, really. We are in the same $h!t.

 

 

 

Dela, thanks for your post. I'm just astounded that people who have no idea who you are want to pop in with a nasty comment that has no basis in reality. We need to feel sorry for these people because they seem to have a lot of misplaced anger. The shame of it really is the fear of getting the nasty comments will soon stop the good sincere people from writing because it's so unpleasant

[sandylee1]

Thanks so much for your post. Why he couldn't write an email that said "I'm staying with BS and I don't ever want you to contact me again." That would have been sufficient. I know ExMM used the money for the intended purpose because he sent me an iMessage of the signed fee and representation agreements and the receipt for paying it. It likely went into the lawyer's escrow account which he could get all or partially back.

 

I'll never sign a compromise agreement. I'll forgo the money because the data is my insurance that he never contacts me again and that he never speaks out badly about me. ExMM has to retire from "the company". He's been there almost 25 years and never made Partner which I did and it drove him bonkers. I pointed out we were in different practice areas in different countries but I know it bothered him. At his age and not having been made Partner, getting bounced on gross misconduct would make him unemployable. And if tried to switch firms now it would be hard based on age, tenure with firm and not being made partner.

Plus he's in a senior leadership role in his church.

 

Of course he didn't tell BS the truth.

But none of that matters now. It's over.

I have no intention of ever using it, but for him to know I have it will stop him from messing me about ever again. Here's the first line of my lawyers email back to me after ExMM 's lawyer received my lawyer's letter. I've redacted any identifying info (my lawyers thought exMM wanted money, I said no way, it's something else and I bet them $10.

 

Looks like you will win the $10. I just heard from his attorney that they are willing to cooperate in every way in resolving this.

 

I just want it done now. It's made it drag on needlessly.

 

 

Your welcome.

 

That's exactly what he should have done (email you) or call so there was no evidence.

 

I'd do as you're doing and forgo the money. Let him keep on his toes and not lie about his marital status again. He can keep wondering and looking over his shoulders till he retires.

 

I hear what you're saying about you making partner in the firm. The male ego would take it even harder. He really wasn't thinking with his head during all this.

 

I just don't understand why he'd go to the length of retaining a lawyer, if he had no intention of getting divorced. Could it have been to keep stringing you along?

 

Was he unhappy in the marriage?

Do you now believe he was truthful about things?

[NewLeaf512]

Your welcome.

 

That's exactly what he should have done (email you) or call so there was no evidence.

 

I'd do as you're doing and forgo the money. Let him keep on his toes and not lie about his marital status again. He can keep wondering and looking over his shoulders till he retires.

 

I hear what you're saying about you making partner in the firm. The male ego would take it even harder. He really wasn't thinking with his head during all this.

 

I just don't understand why he'd go to the length of retaining a lawyer, if he had no intention of getting divorced. Could it have been to keep stringing you along?

 

Was he unhappy in the marriage?

Do you now believe he was truthful about things?

 

Sandy thank you for your post. Do you know the book The Secret Life of Walter Mitty? ExMM is Walter Mitty. Some things ExMM told me were true and I know this for sure because I knew him for some years before he announced he was separated and we began what I thought was dating which was actually a PA. After I found out ExMM was still married I never saw him again in person but continued an EA which in my stupid mind was just a holding pattern until he sorted some things out and youngest child graduated undergrad.

Prior to this "separation declaration" I had met BS in some company functions and she was pleasant to me although I noticed some behaviours I thought unusual. Examples:

At a work party ExMM was engage in a discussion with a colleague (male) and BS was standing nearby speaking to anothe W. She wasn't close enough to touch ExMM so she loudly called out "Name?! Refresh my drink" and held her arm out and he stopped what he was doing and dutifully trotted over and did so.

 

One of them is a lefty. BS ensures that whilst dining the seating arrangement is such that they can sit next to each other so the can hold non dominant hands whilst they dine even in public social situations.

 

As in the first example in public situation work or social, at any moment she can call out "give me touch" and ExMM has to stop what he is doing and go over and rub her back or hug.

 

Our retiring Founding Partner had a leaving fete where all global members met at x place. He posted photos of the party on a social site. There was a photo of the party that included a photo of ExMM the Founder 2 other women associates and 3 male partners. She wrote to Founder and asked him to take it down as she felt it was not part of their vows to have ExMM in photos with other women and then she disconnected from him on the social site.

 

The strangest behaviour I've observed was when she told me directly that she was a practitioner of "attachment marriage" . I'd not heard of it. She explained that it's similar to attachment parenting whereby you should be in physical contact with your spouse whenever they weren't working whenever possible.

 

Who knows what goes on behind closed doors. I have no insight if she is barking mad or lovely.

 

I do know for certain he retained divorce counsel. It's my supposition that the 2 factors in going to the lawyer were firstly at her insistence to "prove" to BS that he was serious about recommitting to the M and secondly to try to get my agreement not to ever talk to anyone but particularly "the company". (Which has an anonymous email address for ethics reports) about his misuse of company mobiles and laptops to send me explicit photos, videos, audio files and emails which is gross misconduct and would immediately result in termination.

 

I've caught him in some clangers and I'm sure he's lied often.

 

TBH I could care less what they are doing. I found the whole experience to be traumatic, not least because of my participation in it.

 

But that data ensures ExMM will keep NC and not try anything underhand in the future. Even if I deleted it all and he thinks it still lives somewhere that's ok too.

[NewLeaf512]

Your welcome.

 

Was he unhappy in the marriage?

Do you now believe he was truthful about things?

 

Forgot to answer this. Very unhappy. When the kids were there ExMM was "allowed" to go out of the constant touch zone. No independent friends were allowed male or female. He had 1 friend (male) that he could go to coffee with but only because he was part of the couple group originally but sadly his wife passed. ExMM had to limit coffee with his 1 friend for Saturday morning when BS was at the salon. Often ExMM would do yard work even picking up sticks to have alone time. BS indicated this attachment marriage thing was related to her religious beliefs,

[Hope Shimmers]

Can you somehow set it up so that he has to pay you the money back and you will not say anything to anyone UNLESS he breaks no contact?

[NewLeaf512]

Can you somehow set it up so that he has to pay you the money back and you will not say anything to anyone UNLESS he breaks no contact?

 

Thanks for your post. I won't enter into an international contract which is essentially unenforceable. I'm 7000 miles away in another country. In the nature of work I am in, (assuming I can land a role) I'd have to be listed on the company website. ExMM could potentially get a unregistered SIM and call. If ExMM did, and I wanted to bring suit, the burden of proof is on me, resulting in an impossible case (and costly) not to mention still being tied to ExMM. More the worry is him bad mouthing me. It's best to just tell his solicitor "my client Ms x doesn't agree and won't enter in to contract. It's non negotiable. My client will keep the data that your client sent her, and will not waive any rights of future use. I will close this file per my clients instruction. Regards, lawyer"

 

While looking for a role I don't need any BS. Just shut the door and walk away.

[anna121]

Thanks for your post. I won't enter into an international contract which is essentially unenforceable. I'm 7000 miles away in another country. In the nature of work I am in, (assuming I can land a role) I'd have to be listed on the company website. ExMM could potentially get a unregistered SIM and call. If ExMM did, and I wanted to bring suit, the burden of proof is on me, resulting in an impossible case (and costly) not to mention still being tied to ExMM. More the worry is him bad mouthing me. It's best to just tell his solicitor "my client Ms x doesn't agree and won't enter in to contract. It's non negotiable. My client will keep the data that your client sent her, and will not waive any rights of future use. I will close this file per my clients instruction. Regards, lawyer"

 

While looking for a role I don't need any BS. Just shut the door and walk away.

 

This sounds excellent. I hope you continue to find peace.

[NewLeaf512]

This sounds excellent. I hope you continue to find peace.

 

 

Anna thanks for your post. I'm trying the best I can. I still have moments of complete bewilderment but those moments are becoming more infrequent each day. The best thing for me is to keep looking forward, never back and one slow foot in front of the other. It makes me wonder how much further ahead the healing would be if exMM hadn't engaged a lawyer. Maybe not much. Each day is a day with it further in the rearview mirror.

[NewLeaf512]

A bit apprehensive about tomorrow when ExMM lawyer will get the letter saying I won't warrant not to use information as I know how I need that for protection. Sad but true

[sandylee1]

Forgot to answer this. Very unhappy. When the kids were there ExMM was "allowed" to go out of the constant touch zone. No independent friends were allowed male or female. He had 1 friend (male) that he could go to coffee with but only because he was part of the couple group originally but sadly his wife passed. ExMM had to limit coffee with his 1 friend for Saturday morning when BS was at the salon. Often ExMM would do yard work even picking up sticks to have alone time. BS indicated this attachment marriage thing was related to her religious beliefs,

 

Wow!

 

Talk about controlling . Asking for the work photo to be removed is crazy. I'd be so embarrassed if I were him.

 

Then shouting out to get her drink refilled...

The touch zone

 

It's pure and utter madness , but why in heavens name would anyone tolerate that nonsense.

 

I tell you if my husband reached out to my employers over the picture, I really would file for divorce. I know it might seem trivial, but what utter insanity. They must have thought she definitely wore the pants in that relationship. I wonder if her behaviour is because he's had an affair in the past. But I still wouldn't do what she did.

 

I know you can see clearly now, but I find him and so many of the other MM described on here to be very weak and submissive, which is not an attractive feature at all. Unless of course you (not you personally ) want to control the man like his wife does. If my brothers had a wife like this, I'd advise him to get the hell out of the marriage.

 

Newleaf,

You sound like a very smart woman who wouldn't have any problem finding a good man, and the usual fear of men thinking women are out to fleece them wouldn't apply as you're financially sound.