The Usual-ish Story **Updated and Merged**

[NewLeaf512]

Dismay??

 

I'd never agree to a gag, just on the basis of repaying a loan that's properly due to me.

 

I'd be interested to see just how much (additional) money I was offered to keep quiet, but it would have to be a lot ($millions? and up front) and I'd go through the agreement with a fine tooth comb. I might advise a client to accept if it was "good enough" and didn't expose her to inadvertent breaches (such as by outraged friends and family) or enforceable penalties.

 

Besides being admitted to the bar of the Supreme Court as a legal practitioner in the place where I live, I've also been a CPA (accountant) for a very long time. Money counts too for many people.

 

Susmay sorry at 3 something in the morning I missed the spelling error.

 

I'd never sign. Period.

I wouldn't even draft such tosh, the document would be about 100 pages long, and how many iterations?i shudder to think. They can't seem to pay me a paltry loan, they haven't got £10M to settle to me which I'd want tax free as injury to hurt feeling.

Was up all night debating. Will see if today brings more stupidity and go from there. Best advice will be listen to advise. The biggest NDA I ever had lead on that was personal was 300 pages and took a year to negotiate and it was hugely ugly.

I originally studied Maths and Statistics. Once I land a role I might do an

Adjunct programme to get accountancy. Wicked combo!

 

Since you get why this is now messy and costly, I'm sure you will get this when I say now, I believe I hate exMM.

 

What a tosser. My other country family lawyer bet me $that he will still come back sometime. It's my sincere hope he does not as I would slam the door in his face and call the Old Bill in a second flat.

[Cloudcuckoo]

You are right to defend and protect yourself. I believe all of this coming from exMM is being driven by his wife.

I don't consider you an OW since you thought he was seperated. I bet she doesn't know he was telling people that.

I wouldn't worry about AOA. It is hard to prove and very costly. Normally when someone does sue for it, the husband has left his wife for the OW. I don't see where she has a case.

I am a BS and we many times when finally out about an affair, want revenge. That is why she wanted him to get a lawyer and the threats of AOA. She wants you to pay. The reality is you have already paid dearly for it when you were lied to from the beginning.

I am so very sorry that you and your life has been torn apart. You seem to be a very good person who is being punished for no reason.

You are also a much kinder person than me. With all this legal crap being thrown at you, I would have contacted the company and reported him. He can't keep messing with you if he doesn't have the money to pay his lawyer.

 

I couldn't agree more with this...

 

My husband got financially involved with his other woman. Foolish. On both sides. He for taking her offer of financial assistance and she for thinking it would further her attempts to 'bind' him to her (circumstances very different from yours).

 

As tangled says, I too wanted her to 'pay' for her part in the demise of my situation, but the responsibility was my husbands ultimately. He should have refused the offer, and so when it all erupted, I insisted that he repay every penny, through legal channels (in our case she was unwilling to let go despite all attempts to extract her interference in our lives) so that there would be absolutely no reason for her to have any contact with us ever again.

 

While that failed miserably, the woman had no reason other than her own personal vendetta to continue her interference, because I MADE my husband pay back every single penny.

 

You are absolutely within your right to defend yourself in any way you see necessary to protect yourself and your sanity. This man is pathetic, and his wife demented with his behaviour.

 

Some feel the easiest path is the path of least resistance. Others feel justice and fair treatment is paramount. You have taken responsibility for your role in the affair, and I believe your actions are perfectly justifiable under the circumstances.

 

This is not a fair fight, and should never have been a fight at all, but I'm certainly with you on defending yourself and obtaining what is, after all, rightfully yours. He borrowed the money, he should pay it back. His poor demented wife will either calm down or break down. She is his responsibility, not yours.

 

I wish you fortitude and a better place to be with time. Good luck.

[NewLeaf512]

You are right to defend and protect yourself. I believe all of this coming from exMM is being driven by his wife.

I don't consider you an OW since you thought he was seperated. I bet she doesn't know he was telling people that.

I wouldn't worry about AOA. It is hard to prove and very costly. Normally when someone does sue for it, the husband has left his wife for the OW. I don't see where she has a case.

I am a BS and we many times when finally out about an affair, want revenge. That is why she wanted him to get a lawyer and the threats of AOA. She wants you to pay. The reality is you have already paid dearly for it when you were lied to from the beginning.

I am so very sorry that you and your life has been torn apart. You seem to be a very good person who is being punished for no reason.

You are also a much kinder person than me. With all this legal crap being thrown at you, I would have contacted the company and reported him. He can't keep messing with you if he doesn't have the money to pay his lawyer.

 

 

 

Thank you for your post. I DO consider myself to be an OW because I continued an EA (the fact that I was led to believe a divorce was in progress again makes no odds, until I saw the paperwork I should never have spoken to him at all)

 

 

As far as the AoA goes, I agree, I do believe exMM's BW is involved to some degree, how much, I don't know. What still mystifies me is why, when he knows all he has sent me, would he allow her to keep pursuing this, when all the discoverable evidence would be put into the public domain, and if the intention is for them to stay together, would be certain to blow the marriage apart and have a ripple effect whereby even his adult children would have nothing more to do with him.

 

 

I appreciate you saying that you find me overall to be a good person. Especially coming from a BS that means so much to me. I have tried since Dday to be discreet, keep NC, accept responsibility, seek therapy and do everything from resign my role, change emails, phone numbers etc. I had felt that my pain was due to my own stupid and selfish behaviour and I feel true remorse.

 

 

What I can't accept is having done all of those things, that exMM in his decreased financial circumstances would start slinging off legal letters and threatening to sue me with no provocation. During the A (particularly prior to me knowing he was M) I was very generous not only to him, but (believe this or not because if you remember I knew this family prior to being told they had split) to his family including a gift to his youngest upon graduation from "high School" prior to uni, a LV bag and $500 in a purse inside it to start her "grown up life" I was completely made a fool of.

 

 

In spite of all of this I have been solidly against a "revenge" scenario, but this has now turned into a protective posture, and although I do not want to hurt his family (which I know will happen if he loses his employment) I may have to go there.

 

 

many thanks for your very kind words.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Is it possible that instead of paying his lawyer, he's calling in a favor?

[NewLeaf512]

Is it possible that instead of paying his lawyer, he's calling in a favor?

 

 

 

 

Hi Wishes, I've known these people for over a decade. they hired a lawyer 50 miles away who didn't know them on purpose so the perfect Christian Family imagine wouldn't be called into question.

 

 

thanks for your post

[Susmay]

Thanks for your post.

 

 

If I let all 10G of "truth" out there it would destroy BW and their marriage is unlikely to survive[/b].

 

...What still mystifies me is why, when he knows all he has sent me, would he allow her to keep pursuing this, when all the discoverable evidence would be put into the public domain, and if the intention is for them to stay together, would be certain to blow the marriage apart and have a ripple effect whereby even his adult children would have nothing more to do with him.

...

 

I think you might consider the possibility that you have a belief that I've noticed is very common to OW on LS. It is the belief that "if the BW knew everything, then she would not stay".

 

While it's often true that a MM gaslights his BW after D-day, there are many instances where either the MM has come clean or the BW has discovered for herself the extent of what has been going on, including expressions of undying love, nude photos, explicit comments about sex and intimacy between the APs, and horrible and nasty comments on the marriage and the BW herself. I know I discovered all these things and I'm sure there are many other BW that have.

 

Having been here a long time, it is not the extent of the affair or of love, or anything to do with the affair that determines whether a couple can successfully reconcile after infidelity. It is in fact the willingness of the married couple themselves to reconcile, and to do all that is necessary to achieve that. If the MM leaves that is a different matter, but if he's telling his BW he wants to stay, and the BW also wants to stay together then there seems to be an amazing capacity for the BW to come to grips with just about anything that went on during the affair.

 

The OW often gives too much emphasis on the ability of the information she holds to blow up the marriage.

 

Employers however while a lot more forgiving of infidelity in their employees, are not particularly forgiving if it involves misuse of employer resources and facilities, or abuse of positions of power. This means the information the OW holds, can have a lot of power to blow up a career, not so much a marriage if D-day has already occurred.

 

This is just my opinion and I'm sure there are exceptions.

Edited August 6, 2015 by Susmay

[Popsicle]

Susmay is right. Even if BW finds out everything, she is still likely to stay with him despite that, and you know MM is not going anywhere either.

[NewLeaf512]

I think you might consider the possibility that you have a belief that I've noticed is very common to OW on LS. It is the belief that "if the BW knew everything, then she would not stay".

 

While it's often true that a MM gaslights his BW after D-day, there are many instances where either the MM has come clean or the BW has discovered for herself the extent of what has been going on, including expressions of undying love, nude photos, explicit comments about sex and intimacy between the APs, and horrible and nasty comments on the marriage and the BW herself. I know I discovered all these things and I'm sure there are many other BW that have.

 

Having been here a long time, it is not the extent of the affair or of love, or anything to do with the affair that determines whether a couple can successfully reconcile after infidelity. It is in fact the willingness of the married couple themselves to reconcile, and to do all that is necessary to achieve that. If the MM leaves that is a different matter, but if he's telling his BW he wants to stay, and the BW also wants to stay together then there seems to be an amazing capacity for the BW to come to grips with just about anything that went on during the affair.

 

The OW often gives too much emphasis on the ability of the information she holds to blow up the marriage.

 

Employers however while a lot more forgiving of infidelity in their employees, are not particularly forgiving if it involves misuse of employer resources and facilities, or abuse of positions of power. This means the information the OW holds, can have a lot of power to blow up a career, not so much a marriage if D-day has already occurred.

 

This is just my opinion and I'm sure there are exceptions.

 

 

Susmay,

Thanks for your post. You know that I value your ideas and opinions very much. Let me clarify:

 

 

If BW knows everything, if she doesn't know everything and wants to reconcile that is her option and she should follow her heart. That is not my concern. I think that I have not put forward my sentiment correctly (I need to stop posting at 3am).

 

 

My points are as follows: One of the things that is a concern to me is that I in my part as OW hurt her and the family enough and clearly they want to reconcile. I do not want to hurt BW again.

 

 

BW knows everything: No worries, it won't be an issue to reconcile.

 

 

BW doesn't know everything: in order to prepare a defence I will have to provide data. This may or may not hurt her but all my data becomes available to the public after the case is over. This may hurt her. I have done enough of that and don't want to hurt her more.

 

 

 

 

It is actually my hope they stay together now. exMM chose her, BW is still there which says to me love exists. Everyone has the right to be happy and loved.

 

 

Besides not wanting to potentially wanting to hurt BW more than I already have, as Jwil pointed out I am trying very hard to be completely NC and get on with building a life for myself but this mess with the legal problem keeps me tied to exMM and BW while costing me money (lots) and grief. I want a clean break. To have it be completely finished.

 

As you recognise being a lawyer yourself, these letters cant go unanswered. I don't care if he keeps the money which my lawyers told them in a letter yesterday. I wont contact them, they don't contact me, even through lawyers. End. I hope they agree.

 

 

Thanks again for your post.

[NewLeaf512]

Susmay is right. Even if BW finds out everything, she is still likely to stay with him despite that, and you know MM is not going anywhere either.

 

Popsicle thanks for your post. I replied in full to Susmay above. I hope they reconcile.

[NewLeaf512]

Whoot! I have secured several interviews for next week. One foot in front of the other!

[NewLeaf512]

pretty drama free day. list making, going to drag me out to the shops to get a new interview suit

[E-Heart]

Whoot! I have secured several interviews for next week. One foot in front of the other!

 

That is awesome! Double Whoot!

[NewLeaf512]

Thanks both of you. I am trying to get excited about the future instead of being afraid. I'm event going to Ede & Ravenscroft to get new silks and a new short and spaniel. Staring off a new life with new robes seems right.

[NewLeaf512]

I should add here we are tenants in Chambers in Inn's, I might have to be a Pupil Mistress again .. gag

[Dela]

Thanks both of you. I am trying to get excited about the future instead of being afraid. I'm event going to Ede & Ravenscroft to get new silks and a new short and spaniel. Staring off a new life with new robes seems right.

 

 

awesome. i just walked thru the mall yesterday to buy sandals and i didn t buy anything. i used to buy shoes when i was depressed, but this is probably a new kind of depression if i DIDN T BUY ANYTHING. wow i have a real problem if i cannot shop anymore. (lol)

maybe i m not there yet

[Cloudcuckoo]

awesome. i just walked thru the mall yesterday to buy sandals and i didn t buy anything. i used to buy shoes when i was depressed, but this is probably a new kind of depression if i DIDN T BUY ANYTHING. wow i have a real problem if i cannot shop anymore. (lol)

maybe i m not there yet

 

Or perhaps you've come to understand that the shoe shopping is a crutch and one that you don't need now as you recover?

 

Not so much a problem so maybe you're getting there better then you thought!

 

Lots of luck

 

Cuckoo

[NewLeaf512]

awesome. i just walked thru the mall yesterday to buy sandals and i didn t buy anything. i used to buy shoes when i was depressed, but this is probably a new kind of depression if i DIDN T BUY ANYTHING. wow i have a real problem if i cannot shop anymore. (lol)

maybe i m not there yet

 

Maybe it's a good sign because you are less depressed?

[NewLeaf512]

It's Friday and I am taking my friends grandsons to the cinema. (don't let the fact that I have friends with grandsons fool you, I look about 35 (with the help of botox) and am a tiny blonde)

 

 

Minions for me! (I have no idea what a Minion is!)

[Dela]

It's Friday and I am taking my friends grandsons to the cinema. (don't let the fact that I have friends with grandsons fool you, I look about 35 (with the help of botox) and am a tiny blonde)

 

 

Minions for me! (I have no idea what a Minion is!)

 

have fun. i will take the girls our for booze )) i need booze

hugs

[NewLeaf512]

have fun. i will take the girls our for booze )) i need booze

hugs

 

 

 

don't overdo it

[Cloudcuckoo]

It's Friday and I am taking my friends grandsons to the cinema. (don't let the fact that I have friends with grandsons fool you, I look about 35 (with the help of botox) and am a tiny blonde)

 

 

Minions for me! (I have no idea what a Minion is!)

 

You'll be their best friend! Our grandson loved it!

 

Children are a wonderful distraction in tenuous times, have a pleasant afternoon!

 

Cuckoo

[NewLeaf512]

You'll be their best friend! Our grandson loved it!

 

Children are a wonderful distraction in tenuous times, have a pleasant afternoon!

 

Cuckoo

 

We had a great time. It was light hearted and what I needed.

[NewLeaf512]

My lawyers received an email (always followed by hard copy) of short email from ExMM lawyer.

 

ExMM having difficulty securing repayment therefore lawyer attached cheque from his escrow account for the entire amount. This is very odd basically ExMM lawyer is paying it for him. Either there is a transfer in place on the other side which seems unlikely or lawyer didn't want my lawyers to file against ExMM for default loan Monday in civil court to keep it our of the paper seems more plausible . The parties agree not to contact each other again. Weird last sentence. Per OW request, at this time no agreements exist between the parties.

 

Signed, Ex MM lawyer

 

 

What's weird about the last sentence is what it means. Legally what he's say is: they recognise I won't have a contract with ex MM. (Agreement here means contract)

 

It could be an odd turn of phrase but " at this time" seems to indicate they are thinking of doing something else to me, but it also means they aren't trying to get me to be quiet (odd) and this also means I can be free to take legal action.

 

It also doesn't mention destroying the data.

 

I hope this is the last of it but it doesn't follow Black's Rules of Law

You should end it with something like " I now consider this file close/ completed/ finished, please conclude your file as well. Lawyer says nothing about that. Could be an oversight, but seems doubtful. If they do one more legal thing to me, I will immediately release the data in sections

 

Fingers crossed this is OVER!!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Don't you find it odd that the lawyer would be paying it for him. Does he have liquid assets that may have been turned over to him? You've questioned how he could afford representation, now this person is paying his debts? Seems quite odd in a case where no pay out is expected.

[Susmay]

There's nothing fishy or odd about this, assuming lawyers' escrow accounts operate in the same way as the lawyers' trust accounts that we have here in Australia. Lawyer's can make disbursements on behalf of clients, provided the money is held on behalf of the client in the account.

 

I would guess the divorce lawyer refunded whatever was left over either back to the MM or to his second lawyer's escrow account. The MM would have made up the difference as well as the costs for the 2nd lawyer, and then as part of the process the lawyer has conveyed the funds to NewLeaf's lawyer.

 

If the MM was using the same lawyer as he engaged originally for the supposed divorce, then it would be an even simpler process.