Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 22, 2015 Author Share Posted August 22, 2015 Any chance this has to do with her or her actions? Such as going to the clergy? Hi. No. he resigned and they all quit My safety blanket is gone. He got away with it all Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 He didn't get away with it. His wife knows which means he lost her trust and her respect. He will have to work hard to make his married work. He resigned from the church. A position he most likely loved. His whole family quit a church they loved and the friends they had there. He is paying. Was it you wanted to be the one to make him pay? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 22, 2015 Author Share Posted August 22, 2015 He didn't get away with it. His wife knows which means he lost her trust and her respect. He will have to work hard to make his married work. He resigned from the church. A position he most likely loved. His whole family quit a church they loved and the friends they had there. He is paying. Was it you wanted to be the one to make him pay? No I didn't want to make him pay. I wanted to have the data as a protective shield around me like a coat of protection. I'm the one who quit my job, has been NC from DC etc. I think you have me confused with someone else. I'm the one who is against revenge he wanted to quit the church before he just moved it up. this is part of an email he sent me in the last week of June. I've obviously taken the names out: Sunday morning was church followed by a long vestry meeting. As you know, my priest has resigned effective 1 Sept but to better manage the transition to the next priest we agreed, which means my responsibility, to ask him to leave by 12 July. As the Senior Warden, that puts me personally in-charge of all the staff on the 13th as well as responsible for keeping part-time priests on schedule until we have a full time interim while a search is conducted for a full time replacement priest. I am resigning as soon as possible after the 12th July. [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT] Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 22, 2015 Author Share Posted August 22, 2015 He didn't get away with it. His wife knows which means he lost her trust and her respect. He will have to work hard to make his married work. He resigned from the church. A position he most likely loved. His whole family quit a church they loved and the friends they had there. He is paying. Was it you wanted to be the one to make him pay? And just for the record, all kids are grown and out of the house and moved away to uni. It was exMM who took them off as members. I am also not the one who threw legal papers at him and tried to stir up an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 22, 2015 Author Share Posted August 22, 2015 His wife also deserves someone better who didn't cheat on her while she was 7,8, and 9 months pregnant (which I found out the day before Dday) None of the 3 of us are a prize believe me Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 New Leaf, I wasn't attacking you. You said he got away with it. As a BS I don't see that. He looks like he is paying for what he did. Why do you feel he got away with it? You still have the data which could be used in many ways as a shield to protect you. I would list some ways but they would look like revenge. And yes, I did know you were against revenge. I'm sorry if I offended you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 New Leaf, I wasn't attacking you. You said he got away with it. As a BS I don't see that. He looks like he is paying for what he did. Why do you feel he got away with it? You still have the data which could be used in many ways as a shield to protect you. I would list some ways but they would look like revenge. And yes, I did know you were against revenge. I'm sorry if I offended you. Hi WATW, I'm not American so maybe I can clarify. what upset me was you asking if I wanted to make him "pay". that sounds like I wanted revenge. if I did want to I could have. making him pay for any thing isn't my job. I did hope that he would have faced some consequences for his action especially for at the inception of the dating with what I believed was a free man. I would have been happy for him to have a weeks work spending time doing volunteer work. or even be in any way appearing to be wistful or melancholy. Maybe somehow having a crystal ball to know some of my pain I am feeling he felt too. I doubt it. Life's not always fair but it would nice if it was, Link to post Share on other sites
Susmay Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 (edited) It really does sound as though there's been a massive D-day with him exposed to family, friends and church. It also sounds as though he's totally floundering around trying to minimise damage especially to his income earning activities. As you're not in contact with him, you won't know exactly what's going on, but from what little you know and are finding out, it seems he is actually getting his come-uppance. He will probably also be panicking about what you're going to do to his career. I have been through this on the "other" side, and I know my fWH was in a terrible state too after D-day. It was horrible to see, even as I was going through my own devastation. My primary sympathy is always with the BW and children who suffer badly, but nevertheless WHs/MMs (and OWs of course) can suffer after a D-day too, albeit self-inflicted. On LS we see a lot about the suffering of BWs and OWs but not so much about the waywards after a D-day. Edited August 23, 2015 by Susmay 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 It really does sound as though there's been a massive D-day with him exposed to family, friends and church. It also sounds as though he's totally floundering around trying to minimise damage especially to his income earning activities. As you're not in contact with him, you won't know exactly what's going on, but from what little you know and are finding out, it seems he is actually getting his come-uppance. He will probably also be panicking about what you're going to do to his career. I have been through this on the "other" side, and I know my fWH was in a terrible state too after D-day. It was horrible to see, even as I was going through my own devastation. My sympathy is always with the BW and children who suffer badly, but nevertheless WHs/MMs can suffer after a D-day too, albeit self-inflicted. On LS we see a lot about the suffering of BWs and OWs but not so much about the waywards after a D-day. Hi Susmay, as usual, thanks for your post. I am going to take a different tack on this one, only because all together I knew this person for over a decade. He is all about CYA the whole time I knew him. The entire group listened to him moan about how unhappy he was especially with the attachment marriage thing. Its my belief that as I quoted above he planned to leave church way before this, the kids are all out of the home, he did tell BW something but who knows what. As for the church he wanted to leave because they wouldn't let gay people worship there and it took up a lot of time. He is executing an exit strategy so what he knows I have is meaningless. This is from 2008 years before the A: From when I came home from work on Wednesday night until aboutan hour ago; If I wasn't asleep or sitting on the toilet or in the shower, Iwas not alone this week. Not my best effort at managing my self and myneeds or doing that things that I really want to do that sounds pretty horrible to me. I think he had a mini dday and is hustling around so he doesn't have to face any consequences. Attachment relationship wouldn't work for me. I am quite possibly extremely likely to be wrong. If he does change everything as I suspect, job etc. Then in spite of our Dday, I think he will try to come back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 He will probably also be panicking about what you're going to do to his career. I have been through this on the "other" side, and I know my fWH was in a terrible state too after D-day. It was horrible to see, even as I was going through my own devastation. My primary sympathy is always with the BW and children who suffer badly, but nevertheless WHs/MMs (and OWs of course) can suffer after a D-day too, albeit self-inflicted. On LS we see a lot about the suffering of BWs and OWs but not so much about the waywards after a D-day. Susmay, I was up all night thinking on this. I don't care if exMM is worried about his job. he should be worried about something.. He wasn't too worried about BS, his family or me for years. He should be in a terrible state at Dday. Do you think seeing him upset made you less angry. Everyone's primary (like 90%) Sympathy should be with BS and any children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 I thought that I'd be feeling better today. I am not. Link to post Share on other sites
movingon123 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Everyone's primary (like 90%) Sympathy should be with BS and any children. I agree, and I hate that I've been so caught up with my own feelings since D-Day. Of course my ex-mm should go back to his BS if they both want that (although I don't believe his wanting it is based on love for her). I wish I could just wish them well in my head and forget. Based on what he told me, I really thought they were only together only because of an extenuating circumstance. I thought they had both checked out. Now that I know how hurt BS is, that was clearly not the case and that should help me let go more over my sympathy for BS. I just feel pretty selfish with my own sadness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 (edited) I agree, and I hate that I've been so caught up with my own feelings since D-Day. Of course my ex-mm should go back to his BS if they both want that (although I don't believe his wanting it is based on love for her). I wish I could just wish them well in my head and forget. Based on what he told me, I really thought they were only together only because of an extenuating circumstance. I thought they had both checked out. Now that I know how hurt BS is, that was clearly not the case and that should help me let go more over my sympathy for BS. I just feel pretty selfish with my own sadness. Hi moving.. I think that it's ok to be sad, befuddled, angry or whatever. Even if your MM made promises, they were really lies because he had promised and gave something and actioned/ executed those promises to someone else.. His W. What for me really helps ( and believe me there was a time when I thought whatever he said was carved in stone) is knowing that *I* bought into the fantasy because I wanted it to be reality. The poor BS are in it because those promises and covenants ARE their reality. So if I have the "poor me" moment, I say poor me for not knowing what is real from what I hope is real. Poor me for thinking so little of mysef that I accepted being a consolation prize. Poor me for being so lacking in self-awareness that I did things and acted in a way that allowed or potentially allowed me to hurt others. Poor me that I am such a crap judge of character that I stayed with a lying, cheating sneak, and that I allowed myself to become one too. And finally poor me for giving my heart to a lying sneak who threw it in a high speed blender, it hurts like hell and will never be the same..... Here is the hard thing I do and I urge you to try it. In the next thought think : Poor me? Poor BS! They had no idea what was happening! Maybe they still don't ! I helped created that situation. BS might live with that scheming idiot forever. BS has no idea who WS really is. They have been married 20 years. If BS find out their life will be probably destroyed, heart and home broken, humiliated. Then be grateful for your "poor me" instead of that. And don't compare yourself to WS things aren't all they seem Beauty? Me Body? Me Money. Me Awesome mom? Her Shared history? Her Puts up with all his BS? Her Shares the same religions. Her Gave birth to his children Her You will never be her. Don't judge xx and remember, I'm not disregarding your feelings or mine. But We knew about BS ... They don't know about us Edited August 23, 2015 by NewLeaf512 Link to post Share on other sites
movingon123 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Thanks for your reply, New Leaf. I do need to think about her more. It's just hard to do when I've never met her and have only seen 2 pictures of her online. I definitely don't compare us other than I used to think she had similar feelings I did before I divorced. It's hard not knowing what's happening with them. The last time I spoke to him which was just days after d-day (over a month ago) and they had no plans for mc. He was going to do ic and she was too. Maybe that's changed. It's easy for me to imagine that they've just resumed old habits given how long they were married. Can you even call it R after 3 decades? And then you throw this in...I hope their bond was stronger than I knew. I'm sorry for what I did. I really am. No excuses. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 Thanks for your reply, New Leaf. I do need to think about her more. It's just hard to do when I've never met her and have only seen 2 pictures of her online. I definitely don't compare us other than I used to think she had similar feelings I did before I divorced. It's hard not knowing what's happening with them. The last time I spoke to him which was just days after d-day (over a month ago) and they had no plans for mc. He was going to do ic and she was too. Maybe that's changed. It's easy for me to imagine that they've just resumed old habits given how long they were married. Can you even call it R after 3 decades? And then you throw this in...I hope their bond was stronger than I knew. I'm sorry for what I did. I really am. No excuses. I know you are sorry darling I really do. So am I for what Part I played in the disgusting chaos. We have to honour our feelings, before I let myself spin out too much because it hurts like hell. I just try to temper that with knowing I was a party to making someone hurt 10x more 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Susmay Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Susmay, I was up all night thinking on this. I don't care if exMM is worried about his job. he should be worried about something.. He wasn't too worried about BS, his family or me for years. He should be in a terrible state at Dday. Do you think seeing him upset made you less angry. Everyone's primary (like 90%) Sympathy should be with BS and any children. The short answer is "No". I remember being quite astonished at his reaction, because he obviously hadn't been too worried about my well-being for several years. In the first 18 months after D-day I was too shell-shocked to be angry. The bad anger came much later, by which time we were both past the initial devastation. Link to post Share on other sites
Susmay Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Hi moving.. I think that it's ok to be sad, befuddled, angry or whatever. Even if your MM made promises, they were really lies because he had promised and gave something and actioned/ executed those promises to someone else.. His W. What for me really helps ( and believe me there was a time when I thought whatever he said was carved in stone) is knowing that *I* bought into the fantasy because I wanted it to be reality. The poor BS are in it because those promises and covenants ARE their reality. So if I have the "poor me" moment, I say poor me for not knowing what is real from what I hope is real. Poor me for thinking so little of mysef that I accepted being a consolation prize. Poor me for being so lacking in self-awareness that I did things and acted in a way that allowed or potentially allowed me to hurt others. Poor me that I am such a crap judge of character that I stayed with a lying, cheating sneak, and that I allowed myself to become one too. And finally poor me for giving my heart to a lying sneak who threw it in a high speed blender, it hurts like hell and will never be the same..... Here is the hard thing I do and I urge you to try it. In the next thought think : Poor me? Poor BS! They had no idea what was happening! Maybe they still don't ! I helped created that situation. BS might live with that scheming idiot forever. BS has no idea who WS really is. They have been married 20 years. If BS find out their life will be probably destroyed, heart and home broken, humiliated. Then be grateful for your "poor me" instead of that. And don't compare yourself to WS things aren't all they seem Beauty? Me Body? Me Money. Me Awesome mom? Her Shared history? Her Puts up with all his BS? Her Shares the same religions. Her Gave birth to his children Her You will never be her. Don't judge xx and remember, I'm not disregarding your feelings or mine. But We knew about BS ... They don't know about us I got a message from my H's "primary" OW that suggested I didn't know "everything" (I think she meant about him and her). I've always been well aware that I don't know every detail of their every interaction over several years. On D-day my H also made confessions to several things that I would have had no way of finding out on my own. On the one occasion I met the OW, I told her of some of his activities with other OWs. She became really upset and started crying! I couldn't believe it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 Susmay, what a weird thing for exOW to do. Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I would have been happy for him to have a weeks work spending time doing volunteer work. or even be in any way appearing to be wistful or melancholy. Maybe somehow having a crystal ball to know some of my pain I am feeling he felt too. I doubt it. Life's not always fair but it would nice if it was, Hi NewLeaf. Congrats on 50-something days :-) I think many OW can relate to what you express here; it certainly appears often enough on this board. The not just pain after DDay, but the complete dislocation from the source. Sharing pain is so soothing. And when denied that ability... It can sometimes make you doubt the validity of your own. Not the existence of it, which is obvious... But the meaning behind it, it's 'worth'. It can drive a quest of trying to 'crystal ball' what the MM is thinking at a time where focusing on your own thinking and deriving your own meaning is far more important. Having made that observation... It doesn't sound as if that's where you are dwelling. I've just read your whole thread and you sound like you're doing fine considering. Good luck with the job hunt, and keep fighting the good fight. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Susmay Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Susmay, what a weird thing for exOW to do. Sorry I meant I got the message, and had the meeting, years ago, soon after D-day. It was just one sentence in an email that was part of a bigger exchange of emails between me and her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Sorry I meant I got the message, and had the meeting, years ago, soon after D-day. It was just one sentence in an email that was part of a bigger exchange of emails between me and her. Susmay thanks for clarifying. I was thinking my G-d talking about an OW who wont let go! Still getting in touch with Susmay after all these years! Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 27, 2015 Author Share Posted August 27, 2015 Hi NewLeaf. Congrats on 50-something days :-) I think many OW can relate to what you express here; it certainly appears often enough on this board. The not just pain after DDay, but the complete dislocation from the source. Sharing pain is so soothing. And when denied that ability... It can sometimes make you doubt the validity of your own. Not the existence of it, which is obvious... But the meaning behind it, it's 'worth'. It can drive a quest of trying to 'crystal ball' what the MM is thinking at a time where focusing on your own thinking and deriving your own meaning is far more important. Having made that observation... It doesn't sound as if that's where you are dwelling. I've just read your whole thread and you sound like you're doing fine considering. Good luck with the job hunt, and keep fighting the good fight. SolG... If I had a trophy to give you to wading through this whole thread I would, but all I have is my thanks, so I offer than in lieu. I don't really dwell too much on what exMM is thinking at any one time, although I still have moments where I actually catch myself shaking my head thinking "why?" not just about him, but about me, too. If there is a "why" just directed at him alone it would be, why not just even bunk off a one line text saying, I'm never talking to you again because I don't care about you. Then my rational mind takes over and I understand the reason why exMM didn't do that is he doesn't feel the need to explain himself to me because he doesn't care about me, and I'm not worth it to him. Kind of answers it's own question. On Dday and the following days I was literally going minute by minute, never to break NC, just felt my world spinning and spinning and my mind was going 100 miles a minute. then it was hour by hour, then every few hours, and then a few times a day trying to make sense of it all. Now I know I will never make sense of any of it, mostly what I have is a day to day thing where I define the new normal. It's clear I am luckier than most AP in that I know I will never break NC and I know exMM wont. Not having someone trying to drag you back into chaos helps speed the healing process I think. Thanks for noticing my little milestone of 50 something days. I hope there comes a time when if I hear his name, I cant place it Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 well I may have found JOB but until I have a contract I don't believe it 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 ok it's 5am here and im about to take another half herbal sleeping pill I don't know why this is cropping up now on my 60 day NC anniversary. Crap Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 Well it was bound to happen. I got a written job offer. 75% of former earnings. and well if that didn't blow my candles out... check my bad day thread Link to post Share on other sites
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