The Usual-ish Story **Updated and Merged**

[NewLeaf512]

So I donated it to a Food Bank in America

[NewLeaf512]

With all my heart I wish you peace and happiness. Try to stay strong, easy to say, but I imagined myself an Amazon battling the damned disease. I am clear, for now, it has been a long hard road, but each day is another to tick off and celebrate. I too cannot take HRT and so wish I could, sweats are awful and the weeps even more so. I am sorry you cannot bear a child, but some day, maybe you will be a Mum, it's no consolation right now and not meant to sound trite. Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself, one moment at a time. I found the one person I needed at my side was another me, urging me on.

 

it wasn't until I was forced to give up work due to other health stuff that I realised just how much of my life I had given to my job. Now, I make time to just be and watch the world twirl. I wish I had discovered this years ago. Take very good care of you and give yourself time and space. x seren

 

Seren you having gone through this yourself, and having your emotions be all over the place, I was mourning in a way for the children I'd never have. So just for clarity, the breast cancer and reconstruction which left scars mentally and physically was 2 years prior so ExMM was "just a friend then" but for the hysterectomy we were at some stage of the A. I remember telling him that I wasn't a woman any more that I was similar to a spayed dog. He assured me that wasn't true at all and pointed out 10 or 20 things about me that were beautiful and womanly. I think that may be one of the nicest things ExMM did for me. There weren't many so that sticks out.

[NewLeaf512]

47 days. It has sunk in.

[NewLeaf512]

47 days and today I get 2 calls from an unknown number from his state.

 

7 job rejections, great feedback. No offers. Panic sets in.

 

Hi New Leaf

 

 

 

They took extra time considering the decision on this because it was very close for them. We actually got some pretty thorough (and very positive) feedback on your application, which with the HR communication filter is not always the case, but essentially there was very little in it. I normally prefer to go through the feedback on the phone but in summary the other Candidate was recommended to them informally (as well as the formal references taken) by someone very senior who had previously worked with him in his ABC role with X company. As they were more than satisfied that both could do a fantastic job in the role - they were looking for small differences. I will give you full detailed feedback tomorrow which hopefully will explain further.

 

They insisted that I ensure I thanked you sincerely for your application, and suggested that they would definitely work with you in the future if the opportunity arose. Unfortunately it was fine margins here but there was no negative feedback on you, or your interview.

 

I apologies for the delay on the decision. I will keep you in the loop with any other roles just in case anything else as attractive comes along before you are snapped off the market!

 

 

How many more of these can one stand? Despondent dot com

Edited August 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed identifiable info ~T

[Dela]

47 days and today I get 2 calls from an unknown number from his state.

 

7 job rejections, great feedback. No offers. Panic sets in.

 

Hi New Leaf

 

 

 

They took extra time considering the decision on this because it was very close for them. We actually got some pretty thorough (and very positive) feedback on your application, which with the HR communication filter is not always the case, but essentially there was very little in it. I normally prefer to go through the feedback on the phone but in summary the other Candidate was recommended to them informally (as well as the formal references taken) by someone very senior who had previously worked with him in his ABC role with X company. As they were more than satisfied that both could do a fantastic job in the role - they were looking for small differences. I will give you full detailed feedback tomorrow which hopefully will explain further.

 

They insisted that I ensure I thanked you sincerely for your application, and suggested that they would definitely work with you in the future if the opportunity arose. Unfortunately it was fine margins here but there was no negative feedback on you, or your interview.

 

I apologies for the delay on the decision. I will keep you in the loop with any other roles just in case anything else as attractive comes along before you are snapped off the market!

 

 

How many more of these can one stand? Despondent dot com

 

 

hei. how are u feeling? job rejections? are they nuts????

can t believe it s been 47 days. who do u think called from his state?

how are u holding up in there?

 

HUGS

Edited August 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed identifiable info ~T

[GollumsNightmare]

Go back to your old company. Remain NC with MM. You are strong. You can do this.

[NewLeaf512]

hei. how are u feeling? job rejections? are they nuts????

can t believe it s been 47 days. who do u think called from his state?

how are u holding up in there?

 

HUGS

 

I can't believe it either. I remember the first few days when I thought I wouldn't make it through the day. I am not doing fantastically well. Obviously like everyone here I wish I had s time machine to go back to before the A and never have even allowed exMM the time of day but alas, all I have is today.

[seren]

At times when I want to howl at the moon I chuck old china at the concrete shed outside my house, it is very cathartic. My Mum used to do it when she was frustrated at life, shouting insults to whomever and whatever as each cup left her hand. I used to think she was crazy, now? I keep old stuff just for the same purpose. If you don't have old china or a wall, do it virtually. Nothing like getting the frustration out.

 

Can you take time out from the job hunt for a little while, just until you are feeling stronger? Get away for a bit or just have time to watch the world twirl. Take care of you x

[NewLeaf512]

At times when I want to howl at the moon I chuck old china at the concrete shed outside my house, it is very cathartic. My Mum used to do it when she was frustrated at life, shouting insults to whomever and whatever as each cup left her hand. I used to think she was crazy, now? I keep old stuff just for the same purpose. If you don't have old china or a wall, do it virtually. Nothing like getting the frustration out.

 

Can you take time out from the job hunt for a little while, just until you are feeling stronger? Get away for a bit or just have time to watch the world twirl. Take care of you x

 

 

 

 

Hi Seren thanks for the post. I really need to be revising and interviewing as much as I'd like to run away someplace lush. Maybe a half day spa x

[GollumsNightmare]

You would be surprised how therapeutic breaking china really is. I filled a five gallon bucket with shards of glass, I no longer have any pottery.

 

One time, I threw a stoneware plate like a frisbee through a glass door. It was amazing! I felt awesome until I had to clean it up.

 

I'm better now.

[Cressida]

NewLeaf512, why did you tell his wife? I just don't understand the reason, I'm not judging here or anything. I only read your initial message and it sounded a bit strange that you decided to tell his wife, instead of him assuming this duty and responsibility, if he wanted to, of course.

 

Good luck with the job hunt!!

[NewLeaf512]

You would be surprised how therapeutic breaking china really is. I filled a five gallon bucket with shards of glass, I no longer have any pottery.

 

One time, I threw a stoneware plate like a frisbee through a glass door. It was amazing! I felt awesome until I had to clean it up.

 

I'm better now.

 

 

I might give this a try, thanks for the suggestion.

[NewLeaf512]

well another day draws to a close here in my country and, I got 2 call backs for final interviews. Not an actual role and contract but progress just the same.

 

 

I thought about exMM less today, but interestingly the times I did hurt more. Before he proclaimed he was separated, before the A, we were quite good friends and enjoyed having a laugh or chatting about work. I am a terrible cook and ExMM is a great one, and he would tell me about food that he made of the he and BS made ... before me, when they were simply H&W. Although we didn't email, talk or text each day, and sometimes not for a few weeks if one of us was travelling, if I saw exMM ext come on my desk phone, if I wasn't with a client, I'd always pick up and each time he would address me formally as "my learned Friend", and I always referred to exMM by his Surname which, was him poking fun at the customary conduct of the type of work I did, and I would also call him PP for paper practice (someone not appearing in court) That was a sad pain.

 

 

Later after writing more letters of inquiry and trying for further interviews, and it dawned on me that in all likelihood, I'd have to change what I've done all my life and not be instructed directly, but to change to having an

"employed" role, I felt really filled with anger, at exMM with his stupid lie, at him being weak and at myself for being weak, believing him, not stopping things and never speaking to him again ages ago.

 

 

Well tomorrow is another day.

[Susmay]

NewLeaf512, why did you tell his wife? I just don't understand the reason, I'm not judging here or anything. I only read your initial message and it sounded a bit strange that you decided to tell his wife, instead of him assuming this duty and responsibility, if he wanted to, of course.

 

Good luck with the job hunt!!

 

As I recall NewLeaf didn't tell his wife.

 

I recall that he confessed to his wife, after NewLeaf essentially gave him an ultimatum

[jwi71]

well another day draws to a close here in my country and, I got 2 call backs for final interviews. Not an actual role and contract but progress just the same.

 

 

I thought about exMM less today, but interestingly the times I did hurt more. Before he proclaimed he was separated, before the A, we were quite good friends and enjoyed having a laugh or chatting about work. I am a terrible cook and ExMM is a great one, and he would tell me about food that he made of the he and BS made ... before me, when they were simply H&W. Although we didn't email, talk or text each day, and sometimes not for a few weeks if one of us was travelling, if I saw exMM ext come on my desk phone, if I wasn't with a client, I'd always pick up and each time he would address me formally as "my learned Friend", and I always referred to exMM by his Surname which, was him poking fun at the customary conduct of the type of work I did, and I would also call him PP for paper practice (someone not appearing in court) That was a sad pain.

 

 

Later after writing more letters of inquiry and trying for further interviews, and it dawned on me that in all likelihood, I'd have to change what I've done all my life and not be instructed directly, but to change to having an

"employed" role, I felt really filled with anger, at exMM with his stupid lie, at him being weak and at myself for being weak, believing him, not stopping things and never speaking to him again ages ago.

 

 

Well tomorrow is another day.

 

You still give him power in your life....your career.

Why?

 

What shame or guilt do you carry at his lie?

I have difficulty seeing how the truth, being told, truly hurts you here.

 

I think you are making a mistake. The way one stops digging a deeper hole is to, you know, stop digging.

 

Rooting for you.

[NewLeaf512]

You still give him power in your life....your career.

Why?

 

What shame or guilt do you carry at his lie?

I have difficulty seeing how the truth, being told, truly hurts you here.

 

I think you are making a mistake. The way one stops digging a deeper hole is to, you know, stop digging.

 

Rooting for you.

 

 

thanks for your post. I know you think I should go back to my former role which I haven't completely ruled out. It would be ideal for me to find a new role at the same level or higher and cut the whole thing out of my life.

 

 

The fact that people knew we dated when he was "separated" isn't the bother. Ive not exposed exMM at work and ExMM kept making it out like he was actually separated to most people until after Dday.

 

 

This sounds shallow and maybe it is, but to have anyone think I was dumped to go back to BS and have people 1. ask me questions, 2. pity me 3. be incredulous would be hard to take I think.

 

 

Perhaps this is being ridiculous

[lemondrop21]

thanks for your post. I know you think I should go back to my former role which I haven't completely ruled out. It would be ideal for me to find a new role at the same level or higher and cut the whole thing out of my life.

 

 

The fact that people knew we dated when he was "separated" isn't the bother. Ive not exposed exMM at work and ExMM kept making it out like he was actually separated to most people until after Dday.

 

 

This sounds shallow and maybe it is, but to have anyone think I was dumped to go back to BS and have people 1. ask me questions, 2. pity me 3. be incredulous would be hard to take I think.

 

Perhaps this is being ridiculous

 

I don't blame you for not wanting to go back for this reason, NewLeaf. The idea of people knowing what happened, pitying me, judging me etc. at work is terrifying to me. I'm lucky it hasn't come out at work although it could at any time. I'm terrified that MM's therapist will encourage disclosure and then W will make my life hell at work.

 

Your post from last night made me sad, and I hope you are doing better this morning. Those good memories can be just as painful as the bad ones.

[jwi71]

thanks for your post. I know you think I should go back to my former role which I haven't completely ruled out. It would be ideal for me to find a new role at the same level or higher and cut the whole thing out of my life.

 

Actually, I want you to determine what will make you happy and walk towards it. Run actually.

 

From the outside looking in, it is, typically, if such a thing exists, best to create as much distance as possible. Different continents qualifies. And I am left with interactions betwixt (bonus points for using betwixt) you and xMM and the associated emotional distress. I continually wonder if telling more doesn't suit you better - short and long term.

 

So maybe leaving isn't the ideal solution.

 

The fact that people knew we dated when he was "separated" isn't the bother. Ive not exposed exMM at work and ExMM kept making it out like he was actually separated to most people until after Dday.

 

Agreed. All seemed on the up and up from the outside looking in.

Which is why telling helps and not hurts YOU.

 

This sounds shallow and maybe it is, but to have anyone think I was dumped to go back to BS and have people 1. ask me questions, 2. pity me 3. be incredulous would be hard to take I think.

 

Well f_ck them. Anyone who laughs at another person getting dumped is a world class douche-bag. Do you work with many world class a_sholes? (I'll skip the lawyer jokes....maybe). So telling them that you are having some difficulty due to this...is all too human. You have broached no etiquette. You met, pursued something that was maybe a positive for you only to have it not work out. Nothing more. They dont need all the details or the company policy violations. Just you dated, you thought you had something and it didnt work out.

 

Perhaps this is being ridiculous

 

Nope.

 

I think you will find people more supportive than you ever imagined. Look what you find here - and we don't even truly know you.

[Popsicle]

thanks for your post. I know you think I should go back to my former role which I haven't completely ruled out. It would be ideal for me to find a new role at the same level or higher and cut the whole thing out of my life.

 

 

The fact that people knew we dated when he was "separated" isn't the bother. Ive not exposed exMM at work and ExMM kept making it out like he was actually separated to most people until after Dday.

 

 

This sounds shallow and maybe it is, but to have anyone think I was dumped to go back to BS and have people 1. ask me questions, 2. pity me 3. be incredulous would be hard to take I think.

 

 

Perhaps this is being ridiculous

 

Like you, I am in favor of you getting a new gig. It's best to leave that stuff in the past for so many reasons.

[NewLeaf512]

I had a super awesome post but I took too long writing it and it disappeared. Crap.

 

It's after midnight so..... Drumroll.... 50 days. How long do you have to be NC before you can declare you're over it? A year?

[Popsicle]

I had a super awesome post but I took too long writing it and it disappeared. Crap.

 

It's after midnight so..... Drumroll.... 50 days. How long do you have to be NC before you can declare you're over it? A year?

 

I don't really know. Just one day you stop counting and stop knowing how long it's been and it blends into the past like everything else. It's all unconscious and it just happens.

[NewLeaf512]

I don't really know. Just one day you stop counting and stop knowing how long it's been and it blends into the past like everything else. It's all unconscious and it just happens.

 

Do you remember how long - ish that took you?

[Popsicle]

Do you remember how long - ish that took you?

 

Probably 6 months before I stopped hoping he'd contact me and paying attention to how long it's been. He still crosses my mind though but without the pain and longing. That probably took a year - for my feelings to numb towards him.

[NewLeaf512]

An anon email address sent me a message titled re: exMM

( using his real name obviously)

 

Inside it said "an interesting read" and there was a link to his church news letter. In the "News" section it said "the vestry on July 7 accepted the resignation of exMM effective immediately". Mrs So and so has been appointed in his place effective immediately.

 

So all kinds of emotions are falling over me. He is all about the forward strike. He knows what I have, and he is quitting everything, making himself impenetrable. Why ask for the gag order! He said he told his wife. 5 days later he quits the church. I bet he's looking for another job. He's walking off into the sunset.

 

I'm feeling 500 emotions right now

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Any chance this has to do with her or her actions? Such as going to the clergy?