The Usual-ish Story **Updated and Merged**

[sandylee1]

You are completely right. I was acting in a morally reprehensible way. I'm not a loose cannon. I was in a highly emotive state and acted irrationally.

 

 

I've never heard of a contract between people who are doing something morally wrong . I really was flabbergasted to read that. Having it witnessed by another lawyer........you can understand how one might question your (and the others) integrity especially in your profession it they found out.

 

You sound like an intelligent woman and I'm very suprised you would put your name to such a document in your position.

 

Imagine for a moment his wife got hold of that contract. With absolute disgust for her H, she seeks revenge on him and that gets into the news of the world - headline news , because you know the NOTW loves this kind of stuff 'Top lawyer puts married boyfriend, also a lawyer on good behaviour contract'

 

BTW when someone is behaves irrationally, they are being a loose cannon at that time.

 

I know you very much regret this, but you really weren't thinking straight with the ABC and how it makes you look. Anyone who saw it would know you were a full participant in the affair and him telling you he was seperated would mean zilch at this point. You couldn't get away with saying you were deceived at this point.

[AnotherSadSong]

To be quite frank, I do not understand half of this story. You are now switching it around to it being your bad behavior when it has been portrayed as this man promised a future with you and asked for 15 grand in order to do it. He has manipulated you for years across waters and you are going to let 15 grand just drop. I am having a difficult time believing this.

 

 

I know many wealthy people who could lose 15 grand and it not hurt their pocket, but they would never let someone swindle them out of that kind of cash, the principle behind it. In fact, the wealthy are usually much more vigilant about being used and would pursue it with a heat of more passion more so than someone in need or less fortunate.

[NewLeaf512]

I've never heard of a contract between people who are doing something morally wrong . I really was flabbergasted to read that. Having it witnessed by another lawyer........you can understand how one might question your (and the others) integrity especially in your profession it they found out.

 

You sound like an intelligent woman and I'm very suprised you would put your name to such a document in your position.

 

Imagine for a moment his wife got hold of that contract. With absolute disgust for her H, she seeks revenge on him and that gets into the news of the world - headline news , because you know the NOTW loves this kind of stuff 'Top lawyer puts married boyfriend, also a lawyer on good behaviour contract'

 

BTW when someone is behaves irrationally, they are being a loose cannon at that time.

 

I know you very much regret this, but you really weren't thinking straight with the ABC and how it makes you look. Anyone who saw it would know you were a full participant in the affair and him telling you he was seperated would mean zilch at this point. You couldn't get away with saying you were deceived at this point.

 

 

You're right. It was a mad thing to do. It was after I found out and it was during the last part of this A when we weren't in the same place. The ABC is in my possession and I'm going to burn it tonight. There's no reason for it to exist. To tell you this was the worst part would be wrong. Having an A of any kind is nothing but wrong. The stupidity I displayed has no bottom. As you mention about NOTW it's totally true. How's this for sh**....? I was often in court pontificating on lawfulness, justice and truth. What a hypocrite. I'm sick at myself.

 

When I watched exMM sign it I was so smug. Finally I had control! And the next day or the day after when it came back, I ripped open the envelope took it out, and my next thought was: I had to get exMM to sign something basically agreeing to treat me with common courtesy that you'd give to any acquaintance or even a stranger. There were too many low points in my behaviour to bore you with but this certainly wasn't the triumph I thought it would be.

[NewLeaf512]

To be quite frank, I do not understand half of this story. You are now switching it around to it being your bad behavior when it has been portrayed as this man promised a future with you and asked for 15 grand in order to do it. He has manipulated you for years across waters and you are going to let 15 grand just drop. I am having a difficult time believing this.

 

 

I know many wealthy people who could lose 15 grand and it not hurt their pocket, but they would never let someone swindle them out of that kind of cash, the principle behind it. In fact, the wealthy are usually much more vigilant about being used and would pursue it with a heat of more passion more so than someone in need or less fortunate.

 

I'm sorry that you can't fathom me spinning this over and over in my head alone in my house for the last 2 weeks plus. exMM absolutely promised me a future. We would be often speaking about how different things would be. Living in "reality" . He told his parents, I know he retained a lawyer. He couldn't face doing his accounts in preparation to give his lawyer because he knew subsidising all these people was bleeding him. BW liked nice things and regularly spent $2000 a month on clothes. All the kids are out of the house tuition for them alone is circa $400,000. And because of citizenship issues, we calculated ex MM potential exposure for alimony.

I can't quote ExMM here but the morning of we spoke. I woke up that morning to a long love letter.

 

But sitting here I can't believe I was so blind so blind. I feel every emotion under the sun. Yes he is a douche. And most of me hates him. A lot of me hates me. And part of me is empty just wondering why.

[NewLeaf512]

To be quite frank, I do not understand half of this story. You are now switching it around to it being your bad behavior when it has been portrayed as this man promised a future with you and asked for 15 grand in order to do it. He has manipulated you for years across waters and you are going to let 15 grand just drop. I am having a difficult time believing this.

 

 

I know many wealthy people who could lose 15 grand and it not hurt their pocket, but they would never let someone swindle them out of that kind of cash, the principle behind it. In fact, the wealthy are usually much more vigilant about being used and would pursue it with a heat of more passion more so than someone in need or less fortunate.

 

AnotherSadSong I'm not in the habit of throwing $15,000 approximately £8000 in the bin. To get it I'm going to spend fees. There will be letters back and forth with allegations and accusations, you actually got it pretty well with what you said he manipulated me and at the beginning duped me. I'm angry. Do I have a right to be? No idea. I don't know if I could take seeing him again,? I'd probably start sobbing. It would be pathetic.

 

I can't see a way to keep NC and get my money. I'm a mug.

[sandylee1]

You're right. It was a mad thing to do. It was after I found out and it was during the last part of this A when we weren't in the same place. The ABC is in my possession and I'm going to burn it tonight. There's no reason for it to exist. To tell you this was the worst part would be wrong. Having an A of any kind is nothing but wrong. The stupidity I displayed has no bottom. As you mention about NOTW it's totally true. How's this for sh**....? I was often in court pontificating on lawfulness, justice and truth. What a hypocrite. I'm sick at myself.

 

When I watched exMM sign it I was so smug. Finally I had control! And the next day or the day after when it came back, I ripped open the envelope took it out, and my next thought was: I had to get exMM to sign something basically agreeing to treat me with common courtesy that you'd give to any acquaintance or even a stranger. There were too many low points in my behaviour to bore you with but this certainly wasn't the triumph I thought it would be.

 

I think if you take a step back now, you might see why he took the action he did. He probably feels you had him over a barrel if it came down to it and he has his marriage on the line.

 

Just those two things ....The ABC and you following through with the promise to call / tell his wife, to him that translates to you meaning business. He has no way of knowing that you aren't going to follow through and make sure his wife does know everything.

 

And you know, if a man doesn't treat you with courtesy or respect, even a single guy , you pull them up on it straight off or you dump them. You don't need or you shouldn't need a contract for a man to treat you right.

 

Good luck

[NewLeaf512]

I think if you take a step back now, you might see why he took the action he did. He probably feels you had him over a barrel if it came down to it and he has his marriage on the line.

 

Just those two things ....The ABC and you following through with the promise to call / tell his wife, to him that translates to you meaning business. He has no way of knowing that you aren't going to follow through and make sure his wife does know everything.

 

And you know, if a man doesn't treat you with courtesy or respect, even a single guy , you pull them up on it straight off or you dump them. You don't need or you shouldn't need a contract for a man to treat you right.

 

Good luck

 

Obviously you're right. If he was disrespectful so many times before we were meant to ride off into the sunset he never would have done and I don't need a contract to force it.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hi... I have been somewhat in a similar situation as you, in terms of MM owing me money (a little more than yours owes you). Like you, the money really means nothing to me BUT the principle should.

 

Get the money back, because he treated you like crap. Even if it costs you more in legal fees than the total amount of the loan, still do it. He NEEDS to pay that back.

[NewLeaf512]

Hi... I have been somewhat in a similar situation as you, in terms of MM owing me money (a little more than yours owes you). Like you, the money really means nothing to me BUT the principle should.

 

Get the money back, because he treated you like crap. Even if it costs you more in legal fees than the total amount of the loan, still do it. He NEEDS to pay that back.

I'll ask my lawyer Monday. I just don't want any more trouble

[NewLeaf512]

Hi... I have been somewhat in a similar situation as you, in terms of MM owing me money (a little more than yours owes you). Like you, the money really means nothing to me BUT the principle should.

 

Get the money back, because he treated you like crap. Even if it costs you more in legal fees than the total amount of the loan, still do it. He NEEDS to pay that back.

 

I think I already am so humiliated that I totally bought in to it. There's not much left of me at the moment

[Hope Shimmers]

I think I already am so humiliated that I totally bought in to it. There's not much left of me at the moment

 

I hear you.

[Susmay]

This thread really has a few twists and turns in it!

 

 

NewLeaf, I'm concerned you are spinning out of control here.

 

 

By all means ask your lawyer about the possibility of recovering the $15,000 loan. If the money is not crucial to you right now then it may be wise to put it on the back-burner, but don't whatever you do forgo your rights to collect it just yet!

 

 

As for the behaviour contract, I believe it would be completely unenforceable (as you've agreed), but again don't sign anything about not enforcing it. It would just lend credibility to something that should never have happened. Do not destroy it! It might still have evidentiary value, although not as an enforceable contract. The MM sounds quite ruthless and if he thinks you may have destroyed it, then he could try to pretend it said something quite different.

 

 

In your own interests do not destroy anything. If you've presented things here reasonably accurately then the MM is in a far worse position than you are for having done the wrong thing by his employer or the lawyers' code of conduct. If you destroy things that might implicate you a little and him a lot, then you leave yourself in a very vulnerable position should the proverbial hit the fan.

 

 

Given you've retained lawyers, ask them about this. In fact tell them everything as their role is to serve you as their client. In the same vein don't sign any confidentiality agreement, about his conduct. If he's done something wrong you don't want written evidence that you've agreed to keep quiet about it. Again take your lawyer's advice about this, not random advice from the internet. If the facts as presented here are not accurate then my suggestions are worthless!

 

 

Like many OW you also have to consider the possibility that the BW will contact you asking for info. Be prepared for this and have a plan in place.

 

 

Consider whether you will tell her all the details of the affair, the $15,000 loan, the behaviour contract and the fact he is pursuing you to sign confidentiality agreements not to tell her and/or your employer. If I were you I'd tell her everything as this will get her off your back. If not everything, then I'd at least tell her about the loan, the behaviour agreement and the subsequent legal pursuit of you. Again your lawyer may be able to assist with general advice about this.

 

 

Last take some time to care for yourself. You need sleep and it sounds like you're not getting it. Visit your doctor tell him or her everything and take his/her medical advice.

[NewLeaf512]

This thread really has a few twists and turns in it!

 

 

NewLeaf, I'm concerned you are spinning out of control here.

 

 

By all means ask your lawyer about the possibility of recovering the $15,000 loan. If the money is not crucial to you right now then it may be wise to put it on the back-burner, but don't whatever you do forgo your rights to collect it just yet!

 

 

As for the behaviour contract, I believe it would be completely unenforceable (as you've agreed), but again don't sign anything about not enforcing it. It would just lend credibility to something that should never have happened. Do not destroy it! It might still have evidentiary value, although not as an enforceable contract. The MM sounds quite ruthless and if he thinks you may have destroyed it, then he could try to pretend it said something quite different.

 

 

In your own interests do not destroy anything. If you've presented things here reasonably accurately then the MM is in a far worse position than you are for having done the wrong thing by his employer or the lawyers' code of conduct. If you destroy things that might implicate you a little and him a lot, then you leave yourself in a very vulnerable position should the proverbial hit the fan.

 

 

Given you've retained lawyers, ask them about this. In fact tell them everything as their role is to serve you as their client. In the same vein don't sign any confidentiality agreement, about his conduct. If he's done something wrong you don't want written evidence that you've agreed to keep quiet about it. Again take your lawyer's advice about this, not random advice from the internet. If the facts as presented here are not accurate then my suggestions are worthless!

 

 

Like many OW you also have to consider the possibility that the BW will contact you asking for info. Be prepared for this and have a plan in place.

 

 

Consider whether you will tell her all the details of the affair, the $15,000 loan, the behaviour contract and the fact he is pursuing you to sign confidentiality agreements not to tell her and/or your employer. If I were you I'd tell her everything as this will get her off your back. If not everything, then I'd at least tell her about the loan, the behaviour agreement and the subsequent legal pursuit of you. Again your lawyer may be able to assist with general advice about this.

 

 

Last take some time to care for yourself. You need sleep and it sounds like you're not getting it. Visit your doctor tell him or her everything and take his/her medical advice.

 

Thanks for your post. Sadly it's all accurate. There's a reason I wanted the ABC for bad behaviour. (I was a door mat) I can say I never breached an ethical code. The deal with the ABC is jurisdictional. I was just going to delete everything that was ever between us just to feel free. I know that's not smart legally so I'll have a chat on Monday. Going to try to sleep. Thanks

[finally43]

I haven't read the whole thread - stopped on page 1 when NewLeaf discussed the explicit video's and pictures the guy sent her

 

I admit I am not the smartest tool in the shed, but I will never ever understand why anyone would send ANYONE nekid pictures/video's. None of that stuff is "safe" and eventually when the relationship ends (because most do end, even marriages) that stuff can easily make its way to YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. I am no prude, but I am not dumb enough <my views, my words> to send porno type stuff via cell phone, email or snail mail. It boggles my mind why any person would ever do this. ESPECIALLY in this day and age when we all know its not the smartest thing to do! I've seen posts (not here) but other places where the OW's are proud of sending MM pictures of their cleavage and in their undies....and I always chuckle because it is one of the stupidest things to do --- sending a married man pictures of yourself like that and then act all high and mighty when the wife finds it or he shares it with his buddies when they are out playing golf. Is that how women think you keep a man, but showing him your ta-ta's or your panties? Ridiculous.

 

Okay, now off to read the rest of the thread.

[miseenscene]

BW is in a very low paid job & is a high school graduates. exMM is on a huge salary but he has several children in PhD programmes that he is paying for plus he supports BW parents who live in the same small town. Add 6 cars plus mortgage and you get why there is a disparity between their resources and mine

 

I have no children or other financial obligations. Hope that clears it up for you.

 

This is a confusing story but you have been great about clarifying unclear parts. The part I am confused about is -- how is someone with a high school degree (as per the quote from the other thread) a lawyer, which was what I got from your OP where you say "ExMM had another lawyer not in the firm send me a letter, which was served on me by email" -- so presumably you are referring to ExMM's (law) firm? Even if he is not a lawyer, forgive my curiosity but how does someone with a high school degree make just shy of a 7-figure salary. I can't imagine how that is possible in an office job -- I can only think of that happening for someone working in the oil fields or something...

 

In any case, I hope you find peace and can move on from this.

[NewLeaf512]

This is a confusing story but you have been great about clarifying unclear parts. The part I am confused about is -- how is someone with a high school degree (as per the quote from the other thread) a lawyer, which was what I got from your OP where you say "ExMM had another lawyer not in the firm send me a letter, which was served on me by email" -- so presumably you are referring to ExMM's (law) firm? Even if he is not a lawyer, forgive my curiosity but how does someone with a high school degree make just shy of a 7-figure salary. I can't imagine how that is possible in an office job -- I can only think of that happening for someone working in the oil fields or something...

 

In any case, I hope you find peace and can move on from this.

 

Thanks for your post, I made a sentence construction error re: education. The way I wrote it sounded like they both had low educational levels and menial incomes. What it should have said was she has a high school education and earns a menial amount of money ( meaning she doesn't have much money of her "own" coming in and while he is educated and earns a high salary, he's really no better off for it due to his staggering amount of outgoings, (meaning they certainly have not much left to live a high flying life, plus lack of budget and over spending happen.

[NewLeaf512]

This is a confusing story but you have been great about clarifying unclear parts. The part I am confused about is -- how is someone with a high school degree (as per the quote from the other thread) a lawyer, which was what I got from your OP where you say "ExMM had another lawyer not in the firm send me a letter, which was served on me by email" -- so presumably you are referring to ExMM's (law) firm? Even if he is not a lawyer, forgive my curiosity but how does someone with a high school degree make just shy of a 7-figure salary. I can't imagine how that is possible in an office job -- I can only think of that happening for someone working in the oil fields or something...

 

In any case, I hope you find peace and can move on from this.

 

Thanks again for this. As I explained earlier in person service only needs to occur if there is an impending court action. Other lawyers on the thread have agreed. Thanks

[NewLeaf512]

To everyone who has read, posted, questioned and offered insights both positive and negative, thank you. It's all helped me examine my behaviour and what I allow others to mete out to me in the way of treatment and what I need to do to go forward and work on the deficiencies and strengths I possess. Right now I think there is nothing more to do but wait on this one, keep NC, look for a new role while doing the best I can to sleep and eat. I have a lot of blessings and accomplishments to be happy about, I've survived some incredibly painful times, so I know I can survive this as well. Perhaps this has hit me so hard because if you knew me in real life I'm a very good friend and gentle person with good manners yet I participated in something so immoral after I knew ExMM was still married is something I never would have thought I could do and has made me wonder if I even know myself at all.

 

If there are any new developments I'll share.

 

Really appreciate you all.

[NewLeaf512]

I think it's a lack of taking care of myself and lack of sleep. Conducting this super job hunt and stress in general. I'm not missing exMM in the slightest, just having a case of the FML moments. How do you shake off the lows? Ive been for a walk.

[GoldenAxe]

Sadly, I'm guessing time will take care of it. It has worked for me in the past. I'm in the thick of things now tho.

[jen1447]

Take another walk. Srsly, exercise is the best thing.

[Satu]

Drink enough water. Start with one litre over about 2 hours.

 

Then stick to 2 litres a day, indefinitely.

 

Avoid coffee and caffeinated drinks like coke and Red Bull, etc.

 

If you're dehydrated, the first organ to suffer is the brain, so don't let that happen.

 

If you've not been eating, you need to get some calories into yourself. Again, the brain suffers, as it uses a large part of the calories we ingest. If you can't face a meal, eat some calorie and protein rich sports bars.

 

If you've not been eating and drinking enough, you should start to feel much better after doing the above.

 

After that comes rest.

 

If you can't sleep just lie down.

 

When you're properly rested you can do some easy exercise.

 

 

Those are the basics.

 

 

Take care.

[Dela]

hei,

 

maybe u are tired (amongst other things). try to get some rest and get out of the house as much as possible.

 

what i do when i feel down is go and stay in the shower with all the water "raining" over me. i helps.

 

i met a good friend of mine today and she let me complain for hours about everything. she s a good listener. i feel a little better

 

take care

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm right there with you.

 

I feel like I've been a punching bag.

 

Honesty is wildly overrated...

 

Shaking off the lows is mental. You've been through a lot. Just tell yourself this is the last worthless day you're going to have. That's what I did.

[jwi71]

I think it's a lack of taking care of myself and lack of sleep. Conducting this super job hunt and stress in general. I'm not missing exMM in the slightest, just having a case of the FML moments. How do you shake off the lows? Ive been for a walk.

 

 

Hitachi.

Magic.

Wand.

 

(My W LOVES hers. Never have I seen such adoration for a shoulder massager - huh, go figure )