What makes the MM trust the single OW?

[Popsicle]

 

Only once did I scare him regarding this. He made a joke about telling my daughter he was married. I told him if he did, I would call his house and tell his daughters the same thing, I was not joking. He laughed and said I didn't know where he lived. I opened my phone contact list and pulled him up, home address and home phone. He just stared for a second and then laughed and said "well played".

 

 

Wth? Why would he even make a joke like that?

Edited July 6, 2015 by Popsicle

[Popsicle]

Popsicle,

 

That's a very good question and there's many different answers here. How long did you know him, and how long was the affair? That should tell you something.

 

Also, how close was your relationship?

 

I could argue that if he really didn't know you well, and didn't have plans to leave his wife, that could be very risky for him. However, you just don't seem like the type that would use that info to stab someone in the back, and maybe he felt the same. I also assume his wife knew nothing about the affair....

 

You are right on all accounts.

 

 

I have another situation that's a lot different. (I'm sure you've read plenty of it). I told my wife that I was looking for a GF long before it happened (I didn't even know what an OW was). My wife and I were emotionally disconnected and I lived in a different room, and we were clearly headed for divorce. I just wanted some female emotional support, which I got, and was wonderful. I had a pretty good idea who it would be and knew her for a long time prior.

 

We trusted each other significant... like an open book to each other. I knew I would never use it against her if we split, and felt that she would not use things against me, either. I was wrong, but the damage she did after we split wasn't horrible and most of our friends understood, and really didn't believe her. We got over it without major issues, but I was disappointed that she tried to trash me at times. I think she figured out it just wasn't going to work and backed off. I felt there was no upside in trashing her or saying anything bad about her... I just said we had differences and it didn't work.

 

Ya never know how these things turn out and what damage can be done.

 

With all due respect, old rover, I find that the details and circumstances of the M don't matter. For a single OW, they are all MM who start out with their wife, and end up staying with the wife (or going back after attempting a separation) in the end.

[HappyAgain2014]

I think the simple reason is that beggars can't be choosers. Most MM don't have a known dating pool therefore they are happy to find a woman willing to be the OW.

 

Experienced cheaters know they need a married AP to share the risk. Still, I think many men don't want to share their OW with another man so they seek single women. Additionally, a single OW won't have a husband to beat them senseless if the affair is discovered.

 

I disagree with so many about great friendships and all the secrets between you. It's all a secret and lacks credibility. It's like the bartender who hears all the deep dark secrets. Is that bartender really an integral part of the patron's life? Nope.

 

It's all a means to a very selfish end.

[purplesorrow]

I think the simple reason is that beggars can't be choosers. Most MM don't have a known dating pool therefore they are happy to find a woman willing to be the OW.

 

Experienced cheaters know they need a married AP to share the risk. Still, I think many men don't want to share their OW with another man so they seek single women. Additionally, a single OW won't have a husband to beat them senseless if the affair is discovered.

 

I disagree with so many about great friendships and all the secrets between you. It's all a secret and lacks credibility. It's like the bartender who hears all the deep dark secrets. Is that bartender really an integral part of the patron's life? Nope.

 

It's all a means to a very selfish end.

Huh? Clearly the mm dating pool is quite large, you are commenting on an ow forum. Do all mw get beat for the affair? Just wow.

[eye of the storm]

Popsicle, he made that joke because she was freaking out about something and I said, that I wished something would distract her. And no, I didn't think it was funny either. He had a twisted sense of humor but never acted on any of it.

[Popsicle]

I think the simple reason is that beggars can't be choosers. Most MM don't have a known dating pool therefore they are happy to find a woman willing to be the OW.

 

Experienced cheaters know they need a married AP to share the risk. Still, I think many men don't want to share their OW with another man so they seek single women. Additionally, a single OW won't have a husband to beat them senseless if the affair is discovered.

 

That would be the desperate side of it....

[HappyAgain2014]

Huh? Clearly the mm dating pool is quite large, you are commenting on an ow forum. Do all mw get beat for the affair? Just wow.

 

This forum is hardly a significant amount of the population.

 

I'm simply saying it's not generally acceptable for a MM to openly seek an affair. Most people view married people as off limits.

 

I'm not talking about MW getting beaten by their husbands. I'm talking about the risk of the MM being beaten by their MOW's husband.

[Timshel]

With all due respect, old rover, I find that the details and circumstances of the M don't matter. For a single OW, they are all MM who start out with their wife, and end up staying with the wife (or going back after attempting a separation) in the end.

 

A former colleague of mine was a single OW. This became known to everyone quickly because within the first two months of the affair, the MM left his wife and filed for divorce. They are married now and have been for 12 yrs. still.

 

To note: The husband made pretty much no effort to conceal his infidelity from the BW even before Dday. They were dating openly and spending nights together. The wife was clueless still because she was already so detached from the marriage. When she was told she was shocked? and as angry as a hornet. We saw a bit of drama in our office.

 

It always seemed strange the level of her rage when the affair was so clear to everyone and their marriage had been 'roommates' for years.

 

Anyway, her MM made it clear that the OW was his intimate and trusted partner. She did usurp the role of the wife. I do realize this is the exception and not the rule.

[Popsicle]

A former colleague of mine was a single OW. This became known to everyone quickly because within the first two months of the affair, the MM left his wife and filed for divorce. They are married now and have been for 12 yrs. still.

 

To note: The husband made pretty much no effort to conceal his infidelity from the BW even before Dday. They were dating openly and spending nights together. The wife was clueless still because she was already so detached from the marriage. When she was told she was shocked? and as angry as a hornet. We saw a bit of drama in our office.

 

It always seemed strange the level of her rage when the affair was so clear to everyone and their marriage had been 'roommates' for years.

 

Anyway, her MM made it clear that the OW was his intimate and trusted partner. She did usurp the role of the wife. I do realize this is the exception and not the rule.

 

The wife was probably shocked because he had already been living unhappily for so long that she figured he'd never leave or go anywhere. (Even if he had been complaining). It's called taking your spouse and marriage for granted.

 

But yeah it's usually the exception that a MM will do this (leave).

[EH6]

I trusted my OW. She could blow my world up in a heartbeat if she wanted. I questioned wether she might or not, but trusted my judgement. I didn't treat her like a piece of furniture, she really means something to me. I had to end our affair as the pain and agony would have been worse if I led her on any further. I was 100% honest with her the whole time we were together.

[Timshel]

The wife was probably shocked because he had already been living unhappily for so long that she figured he'd never leave or go anywhere. (Even if he had been complaining). It's called taking your spouse and marriage for granted.

 

But yeah it's usually the exception that a MM will do this (leave).

 

Agree. After getting to know the MM better through office functions and her banter, I came to think that the BW had come to see him as a 'possession' stolen.

And the MM was simply a man absolutely starved for love. He is actually a really good dude.

 

They are an anomaly; we were just happy when the wife stopped staking our office out with binoculars.

[sandylee1]

I think they just 'don't think ' about it. They take a gamble and hope it doesn't end badly for them. While they're having fun, exposure isn't at the forefront of their minds.

 

Whilst MM have their marriages at stake, there are many single OW that face their own risks if exposed. Having their parents, siblings, children, coworkers and friends know about your affair isn't pleasant and can cause great damage to their reputation.

 

I know of a single OW that was getting fed up of being strung along and half jokingly, told the MM she'd make things easier for him and tell his wife. Well he didn't find it funny at all and absolutely blew up with her. She saw a side of him she'd never seen before and was petrified.

[Arieswoman]

I would agree with this;-

 

I think they just 'don't think ' about it. They take a gamble and hope it doesn't end badly for them. While they're having fun, exposure isn't at the forefront of their minds.

 

My exH said to me after DD, " it is sooooo unfair - other guys at work have cheated and got away with it, but the first time I did it I got caught" ( !!!! )

 

So exposure wasn't even an issue, as far as he was concerned.

[RainDown]

You are right on all accounts.

 

 

 

 

With all due respect, old rover, I find that the details and circumstances of the M don't matter. For a single OW, they are all MM who start out with their wife, and end up staying with the wife (or going back after attempting a separation) in the end.

 

That's really not true at all. In 2009 my next door neighbor moved his wife out and his OW in the next day. They still live there together. A year or so later my other next door neighbor moved out and moved in with his OW. He's still there. My last MM left his wife in 2008 and he's still gone. My best friend is married to an MM who left his wife for her like 15 years ago. I found out recently that one of my male co-workers is now married to the OW he left his wife for several years ago.

 

Of course, you don't see all of these OW on a forum like this because they are not in affair hell or limbo agony. But there are plenty of MM/MW who leave their spouses and stay gone.

[Popsicle]

That's really not true at all. In 2009 my next door neighbor moved his wife out and his OW in the next day. They still live there together. A year or so later my other next door neighbor moved out and moved in with his OW. He's still there. My last MM left his wife in 2008 and he's still gone. My best friend is married to an MM who left his wife for her like 15 years ago. I found out recently that one of my male co-workers is now married to the OW he left his wife for several years ago.

 

Of course, you don't see all of these OW on a forum like this because they are not in affair hell or limbo agony. But there are plenty of MM/MW who leave their spouses and stay gone.

 

I'm not willing to bet on those odds.

[RainDown]

I would agree with this;-

 

 

 

My exH said to me after DD, " it is sooooo unfair - other guys at work have cheated and got away with it, but the first time I did it I got caught" ( !!!! )

 

So exposure wasn't even an issue, as far as he was concerned.

 

OMG, that's so juvenile. Reminds me of a conversation I had with my teenage (18 yr old) daughter a few months ago when she got a speeding ticket.

 

Her: It's so UNFAIR!

Me: Why is it unfair?

Her: Everyone else was going just as fast as me! Why do I get a ticket and they didn't???!!!

Me: How fast were you going?

Her: 77 mph.

Me: What was the speed limit?

Her: 65 mph.

Me: So you were, in fact, speeding?

Her: Well....yeah. But so was everyone else! It's NOT FAIR!!!!

Me: Would it have been fair if someone else got the ticket instead of you?

Her: Blank stare.

 

Such is the thought process of a juvenile.

[RainDown]

I'm not willing to bet on those odds.

 

I agree. No one in their right mind who is in the market for a lifelong relationship or marriage should throw all their eggs in the basket of an otherwise already committed person. It's really not an overall effective strategy to get where you want to be. Like the casino, a few will win big but all the others will most certainly lose to the house.

 

All I'm saying is that a few DO win, even though the overall odds are dismal.

[MissBee]

Was thinking about it and xMM sure put a lot of trust in me. I could have blown up his world and destroyed his life at any second. Why did he even trust me that much not to do it? He didn't know me well enough to know that I wouldn't for sure. What made him put his trust in me, why? Is it arrogance or desperation?

 

I don't think it's anything they think about too deeply at all. I feel like in most cases it's just doing it, not thinking about it and hoping for the best rather than a conscious exercise of trust.

 

I remember my exAP once saying how he really trusted me and I got mad and asked if he meant that he trusted me to keep his secrets and not ruin his "real life." That led to a fight between us where he claimed that wasn't what he meant but I think it was. I think the conversation might have come up after he sent me a forwarded email which his SO was also included on.

 

I never told neither did I ever become a bunny boiler, but I don't think it was a case of him choosing wisely to trust me but simply that he did it and hoped for the best and fortunate for him I wasn't crazy or didn't decide to blow up his world.

[Grapesofwrath]

I just wonder if they placate themselves by telling themselves they can always deny it.

 

I think arrogance and a measure of narcissism, play a role here too. As well as feeling that the riskiness is part of the thrill.

 

I could crush his world, if I wanted to. But I'm not interested in doing that to his children. Not to mention what it would do to my world and my children. I think he knows that I care too much about my own family and my own life to take the chance of looking like the crazy OW.

[OldRover]

You are right on all accounts.

 

 

 

 

With all due respect, old rover, I find that the details and circumstances of the M don't matter. For a single OW, they are all MM who start out with their wife, and end up staying with the wife (or going back after attempting a separation) in the end.

 

Yes, you are right. As to why the significant trust, that's a good question. For me, at the time I really thought it would be a long term relationship, and was willing to invest the trust, and a lot of other things.

[Got it]

This cracks me up. This is a thread about how a man/men think and only one male, out of five pages, has actually expressed how he feels/felt and how many women speculating how their SO male thinks.

 

Why not actually ask MM what they think. The rest is assumptions and speculation.

[sandylee1]

This cracks me up. This is a thread about how a man/men think and only one male, out of five pages, has actually expressed how he feels/felt and how many women speculating how their SO male thinks.

 

Why not actually ask MM what they think. The rest is assumptions and speculation.

 

The vast amount of MM are users and see no need for a forum like this . They're way to busy leading a double life with Lord knows how many OW to give a damn. It's women getting played over and over.

MM has wife and family and single OW is his loyal extra.

 

Oh, the power they must feel having two women satisfy their every need.

 

Great job if you can get it as we say in England.

[Popsicle]

This cracks me up. This is a thread about how a man/men think and only one male, out of five pages, has actually expressed how he feels/felt and how many women speculating how their SO male thinks.

 

Why not actually ask MM what they think. The rest is assumptions and speculation.

 

It's mostly women who make posts on forums about anything to do with relationships. I have ask countless questions directly to men about various different topics and without fail, the women will pile up in the thread answering the question for men. I have accepted that's just how it is but in this thread, I don't mind it. Both genders can answer.

Edited July 7, 2015 by Popsicle

[AnotherSadSong]

It's mostly women who make posts on forums about anything to do with relationships. I have ask countless questions directly to men about various different topics and without fail, the women will pile up in the thread answering the question for men. I have accepted that's just how it is but in this thread, I don't mind it. Both genders can answer.

 

 

On Loveshack there are many men posting especially in the break up and coping---dating----looking. It would be very interesting to understand why they post and the MM does not.

 

 

I think Sandy may be correct. In addition to being users they do not seem to possess conscious. They may not see their secret double life as a real person.

[Popsicle]

On Loveshack there are many men posting especially in the break up and coping---dating----looking. It would be very interesting to understand why they post and the MM does not.

 

 

I think Sandy may be correct. In addition to being users they do not seem to possess conscious. They may not see their secret double life as a real person.

 

No it's just nothing to be proud of and they know it's wrong.