What makes the MM trust the single OW?

[ladydesigner]

This may be true...but you couldn't PAY me enough to post on any forum if I was having an A...even if I needed/wanted help.

 

I don't know I guess I must be different. I didn't like how I felt when I was in my A and I got slammed here plenty when I was the MOW, but I listened and I took in great information and tried not to let it get the best of me. I want to feel like I am a good person too, the A did not make me feel like a good person at all. Lying and deceiving my now WH came so unnatural to me. It was eating me up alive.

[ladydesigner]

Maybe they don't want help. And maybe that is why they don't post.

 

As a married person in an affair, then single, and while my affair was active, I was a member here but I did NOT post here. It was a very hostile board, with piss poor moderating and unless I was lashing myself and wrenching the clothes off my body I was slammed hard.

 

And I was not apologetic (enough to want to end it), I was not unhappy in my affair, and I was not looking to be told I was wrong, needed to end it, he was using me, etc.

 

So I went to boards that were more regulated, that were safer for the OP to post, and I could be freer in my thoughts and feelings without being slammed for it. Did not mean it was to only drink the kool aide to having/continuing an affair but it wasn't saying that affairs were the devil's making.

 

So why would I, as a happy OP in an affair, and at a time a married one, care to come here and discuss how I feel when I would be dodging hits at all times? How is that fun?

 

I can see your point. Thank you! That is what is so great about posting on these forums. The insight is wonderful.

[sandylee1]

You make some good points, but there are "different" affairs, and for different reasons.

 

There are many, many OW/OM relationships that have lasted for a long time and still going strong.

 

One, item, however, is being honest with all parties... which can be a challenge, especially if you want the person to know, but not hurt them.

 

The questions begs... would you have your affair again if you had the chance to do so?

 

Yours wasn't the typical affair really. When you actually tell your wife your going to get a GF, the marriage is over in all but name. You basically opened up the marriage on your side.

 

Plus if you weren't sneaking around, she didn't have to hide, so she wouldn't have felt like an OW.

 

I agree that many have been OW for a long time and the A could last longer, if the OW is okay with that or the guilt doesn't get too much for the MM.

 

You don't really see a single OM for years on end. They are very few and far between.

 

More common is a MW/MM in an affair for many years, because they are on a level playing field . In fact some WH told their wives they never had any intention of leaving the marriage and that's why they specifically looked for a MW to have an affair with.

 

It seems like your wife did a 180 and really worked on what she needed to.

 

....and BTW I never had an affair. I once had a BF who had a GF , but I didn't know about her and when I found out, he was history.

[sandylee1]

Really? Because that is not the feedback I have heard from men who have been in affairs.

 

And you do know there are a fair share of single OM in affairs as well, right? As well a very large percentage of both married OW with OM.

 

But yes, let's trot out the stereotype of the evil MM twisting his mustache and having a harem of women out of his destruction and disposal.

 

In terms of using a forum like this to post, the number of single OW, far outnumbers the single OM. It's not even a point worth arguing about .

 

I didn't say MM was evil.......He's just a cheating cake eater , feeding his OW with the usual lines and he gets away with it , because he's allowed to. It's quite simple really.

[Got it]

Got it,

 

Good post and a lot of truth to it. True, it's lousy to get slammed with inappropriate comments and people telling you how wrong you are instead of trying to offer help. Still get some of that on this forum, just got to ignore them.

 

BTW, is it inappropriate to mention the other forums you've had success on?

 

Yes, I am sorry, but I don't feel comfortable mentioning them nor do I think it is in line with the policies here. Some were private, by invite only, others are available via google.

 

There was one board that was only for married individuals so a high percentage of MMs on it. Some were in love with their OP and others were serial MMs. But I would take what they had to say as more honest and unbiased to the general MP to what is posted on boards that are skewed more for remorse and reconciliation.

 

I think the other problem is, for a number of people in affairs, they aren't looking for help. Just like people in other relationships. Sure they want to vent and gush, and discuss, but they aren't looking for help on the affair, they are satisfied enough with the status quo on things. And that seems to be inconceivable for some people so you become a focal point. Kind of like religion conversion.

 

At the end of the day, I am out, the affair is years behind me and we have a regular old life. But I feel compelled to speak up for the percentage that wasn't all doom and gloom, that wasn't about the evil MM. Did it mean it was all sunshine and roses? Absolutely not!

 

But I set up my affair up a little differently than others, I did not assume less, I had high expectations and any extra hoops was his baby to rock not mine to concede. My philosophy was, it is a great enough gift having a wife, having another woman consent to be your mistress was a far more than any man deserves. So tread appropriately.

 

There is a wide gamut of people in affairs for a multitude of reasons. Some may have similar reasoning, some will be radically different.

 

So when I was married, why did I trust my OM not to say anything? Why did I trust him not to say anything in other areas of my life? Because I trusted him, he had shown I could trust him, he had not lied to me, and he had as much to lose as I did. So even when single we shared equal . . . vulnerability. Different areas but similar.

 

So that was my reasoning.

 

I asked my husband and he said: "Guys don't really think long term. They are thinking that she is content at this moment and things look good and aren't doing any long term planning if someone does become upset until the dark stuff hits the fan. Women tend to think more and deep dive things more and will step out of situations that the average man (he doesn't feel) does.

 

Now there are serial cheaters who will focus more on keeping things going, but in my affair I loved you and didn't think you would do anything."

[OldRover]

Yours wasn't the typical affair really. When you actually tell your wife your going to get a GF, the marriage is over in all but name. You basically opened up the marriage on your side.

 

Plus if you weren't sneaking around, she didn't have to hide, so she wouldn't have felt like an OW.

 

I agree that many have been OW for a long time and the A could last longer, if the OW is okay with that or the guilt doesn't get too much for the MM.

 

You don't really see a single OM for years on end. They are very few and far between.

 

More common is a MW/MM in an affair for many years, because they are on a level playing field . In fact some WH told their wives they never had any intention of leaving the marriage and that's why they specifically looked for a MW to have an affair with.

 

It seems like your wife did a 180 and really worked on what she needed to.

 

....and BTW I never had an affair. I once had a BF who had a GF , but I didn't know about her and when I found out, he was history.

 

Sandy,

 

Thanks for the nice reply.... Yes, mine affair was not "typical" but there a lot that are different, for what ever reason. And, yes, my marriage was over except for the paper work long before the OW came into the picture, and yes, my wife knew. Also the OW was a EA for about a year before it became physical.

 

However, I cared for both. I never hated my wife, but could not live with what she was dealing out to me... we were totally disconnected, except for just sharing a house. My goal was to not mistreat either, but rapidly focused way more on the OW, because she cared and brought me comfort. So be it.

 

Yes, the wife did a complete 180... dramatically... not a little bit, but HUGE. I still had not intention of going back to her if I could have made the OW work out. But the OW brought some baggage to the relationship that I just couldn't live with, where she wasn't willing to commit to me 100%, when I was ready to give her 110%... with everything. I tried like heck to get it to work but failed, so I left her... and had plenty of pain doing that, but the best thing to do.

 

Good for you for never having an affair, they sure do have a LOT of issues, the worst being dishonesty, which is terribly hard to live with. Just something I can't do.

 

Seems like you have your life in order... good for you!

[Goodbye]

Goodbye,

 

 

 

Yes, it certainly changed my opinion of him (for the worst) and he certainly did play me.

 

However, as soon as I found out what was happening he was out the door a couple of weeks after he was served with divorce papers.

 

 

 

You are a strong woman.

[GypsumSatellite]

He never had a reason to doubt me. I was an open book. I was a so-called good woman who kept to herself, was pretty sheltered, and who was sadly inexperienced in some critical relationship ways.

 

What led me to trust him? He had an in, because of how we met. I never had reason to not trust what someone said to me about their life or their Rs.I There was a slight thrall of advantage he held over me at one point. He was someone I was supposed to trust, there was also that. And I fell in love with him. There you go.

[Popsicle]

But the OW brought some baggage to the relationship that I just couldn't live with, where she wasn't willing to commit to me 100%, when I was ready to give her 110%... with everything.

 

As in, she was seeing other men?

 

Or as in, she wasn't willing to get married?

 

Curious about what you mean...

[MonaLisa22]

Was thinking about it and xMM sure put a lot of trust in me. I could have blown up his world and destroyed his life at any second. Why did he even trust me that much not to do it? He didn't know me well enough to know that I wouldn't for sure. What made him put his trust in me, why? Is it arrogance or desperation?

 

 

It may just be unexplainable. Why do we start talking with one person versus another? Sure some people are outgoing and can talk to everyone, but what makes us click with one person versus someone else. Why do we become instant friends with a person? It's simply a feeling.

For some reason maybe MM pick up a vibe or something from you that suggests they can trust you. It's not something that can be pinpointed.

[OldRover]

As in, she was seeing other men?

 

Or as in, she wasn't willing to get married?

 

Curious about what you mean...

 

No other men, but she got hurt in some of her past relationships (marriages) and seems like she just developed a distrust for men, no matter how good they were. I saw it clearly in her past relationships, which probably ended them, too.

 

She would have married.

[Friskyone4u]

I have not read every post but in my opinion it is a good question with a simple answer.

 

MM trusts single woman because he wants to get laid and is thinking with the brain below his waist. Men enter affairs primarily for SEX and leave affairs when the SEX stops.

 

From everything I have read it is not the same reasons most women enter and begin affairs. Too many times women try to transpose their thinking and emotional connection to the OM and them cannot understand why they get dumped after discovery and do not react in a certain way.

[velvette]

I don't think most men think to much about it.

 

 

Most married people in affairs (men and women) that I have known think they are smarter than the average bear.

 

 

So, just like they think they will not get caught, they also think they will be able to control the OP.

[OldRover]

I have not read every post but in my opinion it is a good question with a simple answer.

 

MM trusts single woman because he wants to get laid and is thinking with the brain below his waist. Men enter affairs primarily for SEX and leave affairs when the SEX stops.

 

From everything I have read it is not the same reasons most women enter and begin affairs. Too many times women try to transpose their thinking and emotional connection to the OM and them cannot understand why they get dumped after discovery and do not react in a certain way.

 

Well, I guess I'm the exception (and I know others like me). I was in an affair for over a year before sex, and got the emotional support and friendship I was looking for (as did she). We started off with very similar goals, and they grew with us. I left her not because of lack of sex, but a lack of 100% commitment and trust.

 

So, there are differences out there....

[Dela]

my MM took me to his home one time. as much as i appreciated the gesture (tursting me with his address), i hated him for it. i saw his wife s shoes, the kids clothes, it all became so real. that was his world, and i had no shoes there

[Got it]

my MM took me to his home one time. as much as i appreciated the gesture (tursting me with his address), i hated him for it. i saw his wife s shoes, the kids clothes, it all became so real. that was his world, and i had no shoes there

 

((((((((((Dela)))))))))))))

[beach]

my MM took me to his home one time. as much as i appreciated the gesture (tursting me with his address), i hated him for it. i saw his wife s shoes, the kids clothes, it all became so real. that was his world, and i had no shoes there

 

Only the blatantly disrespectful and angry MM take you to the marital home.

 

I'm sorry you had to see it all. Dang, he's a real piece of work.

[Arieswoman]

dela,

 

Only the blatantly disrespectful and angry MM take you to the marital home.

 

I don't see this as "trusting you with his address" I see it as using you to say "f**k you" to his wife.

 

so I am curious as to why you would get involved with someone who disrespected his wife and family?

[Missinghim17]

Interesting topic. My MM tends to call me *67 so that I can't see his phone number and risk calling him back when his wife is around. So basically, I can't call him at all. I have to wait for him to call me on his time at his convienience even tho we have been involved on and off 5 years. This is so funny because if I really wanted to contact him, I could thru other means.

 

 

I think they know its a risk that the OW could at anytime go to the wife. There is no way my MM would be able to hide our affair or cover it up with some story. Throughout the years, I have collected numerous photos of him and us together, hundreds of emails, voicemails, etc. I've saved everything so I can always look back on our relationship. I never plan on going to his wife as I am deeply in love with him, but I just think its funny how he still refuses to allow the caller id to display his phone number after all this time. Its obvious he does have trust issues when it comes to me, but I just deal with it instead of facing it and risking losing him.

[OldRover]

Interesting topic. My MM tends to call me *67 so that I can't see his phone number and risk calling him back when his wife is around. So basically, I can't call him at all. I have to wait for him to call me on his time at his convienience even tho we have been involved on and off 5 years. This is so funny because if I really wanted to contact him, I could thru other means.

 

 

I think they know its a risk that the OW could at anytime go to the wife. There is no way my MM would be able to hide our affair or cover it up with some story. Throughout the years, I have collected numerous photos of him and us together, hundreds of emails, voicemails, etc. I've saved everything so I can always look back on our relationship. I never plan on going to his wife as I am deeply in love with him, but I just think its funny how he still refuses to allow the caller id to display his phone number after all this time. Its obvious he does have trust issues when it comes to me, but I just deal with it instead of facing it and risking losing him.

 

Are you saying you don't have his phone number?

[Minnie09]

Missinghim17, that would make me sooooo mad!

I'd feel like I'm unimportant and under-appreciated. Especially after 5 years. This would be a dealbreaker. No question.

[the_artist_1970]

Interesting topic. My MM tends to call me *67 so that I can't see his phone number and risk calling him back when his wife is around. So basically, I can't call him at all. I have to wait for him to call me on his time at his convienience even tho we have been involved on and off 5 years. This is so funny because if I really wanted to contact him, I could thru other means.

 

 

I think they know its a risk that the OW could at anytime go to the wife. There is no way my MM would be able to hide our affair or cover it up with some story. Throughout the years, I have collected numerous photos of him and us together, hundreds of emails, voicemails, etc. I've saved everything so I can always look back on our relationship. I never plan on going to his wife as I am deeply in love with him, but I just think its funny how he still refuses to allow the caller id to display his phone number after all this time. Its obvious he does have trust issues when it comes to me, but I just deal with it instead of facing it and risking losing him.

 

And that is funny to you that you don't have his phone number. As precious as your body is, you have been giving it to him for 5 years and you can't get his phone number? Poor thing.

 

I feel sorry for you.