" too empathetic" in a relationship?

[star gaze]

Is there such thing as being ‘too empathetic”? I have been called ‘too empathetic’ a couple of times; when somebody does something wrong to me, I immediately put myself in their position and search for the reason why they may had acted that way. It’s not like I hate confrontations, because if I find no reason for them to act like that, I confront or cut my losses. However, in many instances, I seem to be more forgiving than others. So when everybody is blaming somebody, I, sometime, try to explain why the blamed person may have done what s/he did. When I was cheated on in my last relationships, many of my friends suggested that my “too empathetic” nature makes me look weak and spineless, and this may have contributed to my relationship failure. I don’t consider myself weak or “mr nice guy” but to the outsiders, it may look so. My armchair phychologist buddies also suggested that in a relationship, the stronger ones control the flow of the relationship.

 

Any thoughts?

[Popsicle]

Pick girls who are more like you and reject the ones who are not like you.

[Methodical]

There's a difference between being a nice guy and playing devil's advocate to excuse poor behavior. Avoid confrontations if that's how you roll, but it's unnecessary to develop reasons as a means of justification .

[star gaze]

It's not like I'm playing Devil's advocate for the sake of it, I do genuinely think why what happened happened. I have been accused of intentionally doing that to get the rise out of the people though...hmmm.

[preraph]

Empathy is a wonderful thing, but you also have to use it in conjunction with common sense. Empathy and being "too nice" often lead to be "too tolerant." Yes, it's good to understand how a person got to the ugly place they are now, but you must temper that with knowing that people are not easily changed and, for example, unempathetic people (sociopaths) can't be changed even over time. You have to remember that your love will not likely change them and that it is more likely they will only take advantage of you.

 

Instead of using your love and empathy on people who can't appreciate it and won't be improved by it, you should be using that on people who do appreciate and reciprocate it. It is true that people who are too nice attract people who are just users, so don't put yourself into that position.

 

Having one person do all the giving creates a sick and unbalanced relationship which in the end will only cause resentment on both sides. Have empathy, but don't settle for less than you deserve. And if you repeatedly seek out unbalanced relationships, then you have to ask yourself what you're getting out of it and maybe do some personal work on yourself about that.