He felt smothered and now says he doesn't believe in monogamy anymore

[infiniteQuest]

I'm a wreck. My bf of 3.5 years has ended our relationship because he felt smothered by me. The past few months had been rocky, and my controlling behaviour and emotional outbursts over small things had escalated to the point we no longer enjoyed each other. I'm not insane though, I had acted this way because he's extremely private and closed off, and these were my misguided attempts to bring us closer together.

 

Last week we broke up; I came back a week later to try to work it out. I had always thought he was the love of my live (I'm 30F, he's 32M), and that our bond was unbreakable. I couldn't imagine anything tearing us apart. I love him with all my heart and think he's the kindest, gentlest, most interesting person I've ever met. I know he feels the same way about me. I desperately wanted to work things out, and he did too. But he said that he hated what monogamy had done to him, that he didn't recognize himself anymore, and doesn't want to do it again.

 

We spent a couple of long nights talking about this after the breakup, trying to negotiate, trying to find a way to make it work. For the first time we've felt closer to each other than ever before because we both could be 100% honest. We both cried and we were both ridden with grief.

 

I told him that I cannot imagine having sex with more than one person at a time. He said he couldn't imagine a bond so weak that it would be broken by a sexual experiment on his part. That his experiences were his to own, and that they should have no bearing on my experience with him, or diminish from the love he has for me. He says that nobody will ever replace me, that you cannot replace all of our history and how we feel about each other even if you tried. So him sleeping around shouldn't be seen by me as a threat.

 

The next day, to cement his mindset, he went and had sex with another girl. We had another last conversation after that, and that's when I asked him and he was honest. I asked him how it was and he said that it was better with me. I wasn't angry at him, part of me felt like I deserved the betrayal because of how controlling I had been, and that technically we were broken up at that point. But I simply cannot stand the thought that he could be doing it again at a point where I'd think that I'm perfectly happy with him and he's the most amazing thing in my life.

 

I'm so conflicted. How can you claim to love somebody and be able to deliberately inflict so much pain onto them? And if you truly love them, how can you be so stubborn as to insist on doing something so stupid just to prove the point that nobody "owns" you?

 

Day 1 of NC today

[Itspointless]

I'm so conflicted. How can you claim to love somebody and be able to deliberately inflict so much pain onto them? And if you truly love them, how can you be so stubborn as to insist on doing something so stupid just to prove the point that nobody "owns" you?

 

Day 1 of NC today

Well it seems that for him sex does not have the emotional connotation that it has for you. You say that he also is very private and closed off. That can mean that he is perhaps avoidant attached. Literature mentions that avoidant people often seek thrill's as they are closed of emotionally, and those thrills could be sexual. I do not know the man, so I do not know if he is avoidant attached, but calling his behaviour stupid does disregard his feelings, he apparently needs this thrill. You wanted him closer and got controlling, while he apparently wanted some space; this is all about his needs not yours.

 

But how did he find that woman in one day?

 

Doesn't make it any easier for you but it tells you that you both seek different things It might also be interesting for you to do this test: Attachment Styles and Close Relationships

[Downtown]

I'm a wreck.... my controlling behaviour and emotional outbursts over small things had escalated to the point we no longer enjoyed each other. I'm not insane though.

IQ, you're not describing "insanity," which occurs whenever a person loses touch with physical reality (e.g., believing that the TV news anchor is speaking to him personally). Instead, you are describing behavior that indicates you may feel insecure and lack control over your emotions. This seems particularly evident, for example, in what you wrote here starting back in 2008:

 

When I am angry my judgment gets skewed, and I am not able to accurately determine how big the issue is in the whole scheme of things (Your 2/25/2008 post).

That's true for all of us. It is the human condition. By the time we are all in high school, we already know that our judgement goes out the window whenever we experience intense feelings (e.g., anger or infatuation). This is why we know to wait until we have time to cool down before taking any action or making statements.

 

Hence, if you still have the anger problem, your problem is NOT that your "judgment gets skewed." That occurs to all of us. Rather, your problem likely is that you are unable to manage your emotions, which prevents you from avoiding intense feelings to begin with -- and prevents you from recovering quickly from intense feelings because you lack self-soothing skills.

 

I just want to be able to stop myself from intentionally hurting him when I am angry (Your 2/25/2008 post).

In most major cities in Europe and North America, there are excellent treatment programs (e.g., DBT and CBT) available that teach people how to better regulate their own emotions. That is, they teach specific emotion-regulation skills: e.g., how to intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as "facts"; how to do self soothing to distract and calm the mind; how to avoid black-white thinking by learning to tolerate ambiguities and strong mixed feelings; how to remain "mindful" of the present instead of escaping into daydreams about the past or future; and how to better manage one's own impulses and other emotions.

 

I therefore suggest you see a psychologist to find out if one of those programs -- or some alternative therapy -- would help you address the "controlling behavior and emotional outbursts" you are now complaining about.

[Auspecial]

I think he wants to demean you to a fwb relationship and he is testing out the waters to see how far he can push his will.

 

I think its time to let this one go.

 

For me, the second a man starts suggesting things like this I immediately know he has very little respect for me, and then my interest in him evaporates.

[aloneinaz]

Great post by Downtown.

 

 

OP- you need to step back from this relationship for a while. He appears to have lost interest in it or you. You're acknowledging some real deal breakers for many men. I'm sure he's not perfect either but it appears you have some work to do w/yourself. Have you had any therapy for this issue? Downtown mentioned posts where you were addressing the same thing many years ago.

 

 

As for you current situation, I'd suggest to stay broken up and work on yourself. If he contacts you again, let him know you want some time apart to work on these issues. This time away will also provide you time to cool off and think clearly about that relationship. Was it healthy? Do you want to go back to it?

 

 

For me, if I was dating a girl that long and she suddenly needed to go get some strange and sow her oats further, I'd be done. I'd wish her luck w/her future and move on.

[infiniteQuest]

Well it seems that for him sex does not have the emotional connotation that it has for you. You say that he also is very private and closed off. That can mean that he is perhaps avoidant attached. Literature mentions that avoidant people often seek thrill's as they are closed of emotionally, and those thrills could be sexual. I do not know the man, so I do not know if he is avoidant attached, but calling his behaviour stupid does disregard his feelings, he apparently needs this thrill. You wanted him closer and got controlling, while he apparently wanted some space; this is all about his needs not yours.

 

Doesn't make it any easier for you but it tells you that you both seek different things It might also be interesting for you to do this test: Attachment Styles and Close Relationships

 

Thanks for that insight. It was an interesting read about my attachment style. It might be that our attachment styles were on the opposite end of the spectrum, and we weren't able to cope with the others'.

 

"Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the preoccupied region of the space. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that preoccupied people tend to have highly conflictual relationships. Although they are comfortable expressing their emotions, preoccupied individuals often experience a lot of negative emotions, which can often interfere with their relationships."

 

His actions are frustrating to me and that's why I call them stupid. I get why he did it though and he was happy to hear me accept his point of view as valid even though I said I wasn't compatible with it.

 

But how did he find that woman in one day?

 

Lol! He is a very charming man. He said it was a friend and that they've been talking for only a few days (while he and I were discussing the break up) before they slept together.

[infiniteQuest]

IQ, you're not describing "insanity," which occurs whenever a person loses touch with physical reality (e.g., believing that the TV news anchor is speaking to him personally). Instead, you are describing behavior that indicates you may feel insecure and lack control over your emotions.

 

Hence, if you still have the anger problem, your problem is NOT that your "judgment gets skewed." That occurs to all of us. Rather, your problem likely is that you are unable to manage your emotions, which prevents you from avoiding intense feelings to begin with -- and prevents you from recovering quickly from intense feelings because you lack self-soothing skills.

 

 

In most major cities in Europe and North America, there are excellent treatment programs (e.g., DBT and CBT) available that teach people how to better regulate their own emotions. That is, they teach specific emotion-regulation skills: e.g., how to intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as "facts"; how to do self soothing to distract and calm the mind; how to avoid black-white thinking by learning to tolerate ambiguities and strong mixed feelings; how to remain "mindful" of the present instead of escaping into daydreams about the past or future; and how to better manage one's own impulses and other emotions.

 

I therefore suggest you see a psychologist to find out if one of those programs -- or some alternative therapy -- would help you address the "controlling behavior and emotional outbursts" you are now complaining about.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read through my old posts. My writing can be long-winded and although these posts were at a time when I was in another relationship and much younger, I may not have resolved these issues as much as I thought I had since then. This perspective is very helpful. I don't know if I still have major anger issues, I'm happy to say that I don't remember doing anything embarrassing or deliberately truly hurtful to my partner as far as I can remember. I think I still have major attachment, fear of abandonment, and control issues to resolve though, and they are magnified far beyond anything reasonable with the lack of emotional control.

 

I've been listening to a book on codependency issues, which suggests techniques to help with detachment. I do need to learn to curb my emotions. I have always been a self-sufficient person and for some reason the idea of seeing a therapist doesn't appeal to me. Maybe I'm just not convinced that the time and money investment is worth it. I'm more the type to exercise at home than go to the gym.

[elaine567]

He's 32 he is feeling like he needs to be free from you.

I guess he saw marriage and commitment ahead and is basically rebelling as he doesn't want that.

 

He shut you out, you tried to get him back on board and now he is blaming you for how HE felt.

 

Open relationships are for two people who both agree they want to explore others, not for horny 32 yos who want their cake and eat it too at the expense of their other half.

 

Stay away, this is toxic and will drive you literally insane.

[infiniteQuest]

Great post by Downtown.

 

 

OP- you need to step back from this relationship for a while. He appears to have lost interest in it or you. You're acknowledging some real deal breakers for many men. I'm sure he's not perfect either but it appears you have some work to do w/yourself. Have you had any therapy for this issue? Downtown mentioned posts where you were addressing the same thing many years ago.

 

 

As for you current situation, I'd suggest to stay broken up and work on yourself. If he contacts you again, let him know you want some time apart to work on these issues. This time away will also provide you time to cool off and think clearly about that relationship. Was it healthy? Do you want to go back to it?

 

 

For me, if I was dating a girl that long and she suddenly needed to go get some strange and sow her oats further, I'd be done. I'd wish her luck w/her future and move on.

 

 

Our relationship had become somewhat toxic by the end of it, but I still love him very deeply and I know he loves me as well, as an individual. We both agreed that the relationship we had is dead and buried, and is not worth going back to. We shared to many good memories and still have a tremendous admiration for each other as individuals. We just couldn't figure out how to be together and move forward.

 

Would I go back to a different relationship with him? I am hurting now and am desperately hopeful, but I know that my reality is and will be different. It's difficult to say how many of my own behaviours I'd be able to change, and how many of his behaviours he'd be able to change. Would it be the right combination of lessons learned that would let us grow a new and different type of dynamic? I guess that I will always wonder.

 

So many people say that they would be done with the person they love if they cheated on them. I am one of those people too. Up until the day he told me that it had happened, and we talked about it, and sincerely he told me how little it meant to him, and the reasons behind it, I was somebody who would just up and leave and never look back. But now I am very conflicted. On one end I feel disrespected and hurt, stupidly and unnecessarily. On the other hand, given what I know about his mindset, I understand.

[infiniteQuest]

He's 32 he is feeling like he needs to be free from you.

I guess he saw marriage and commitment ahead and is basically rebelling as he doesn't want that.

 

He shut you out, you tried to get him back on board and now he is blaming you for how HE felt.

 

Open relationships are for two people who both agree they want to explore others, not for horny 32 yos who want their cake and eat it too at the expense of their other half.

 

Stay away, this is toxic and will drive you literally insane.

 

I do feel blamed for how he felt. I won't deny that I played a huge role in it, but I did try my best over the past year to get him to be more open to me, and to bring us closer. I felt like he didn't try to respond to that very hard.

 

And yes, even he says he wants his cake and eat it too. He says he doesn't want his actions to be at anybody's expense, and that's why he doesn't want monogamy anymore. He wants to do what he wants and doesn't want somebody like me who has such a wide range of things that might hurt me, to be a liability to his self-growth.

 

I must add, he is the protective type. One of the things we discussed was that with all of my fears and emotions, he was so constantly busy protecting me from just about anything that it just became too much to deal with.

[Itspointless]

Thanks for that insight. It was an interesting read about my attachment style. It might be that our attachment styles were on the opposite end of the spectrum, and we weren't able to cope with the others'.

 

"Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the preoccupied region of the space. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that preoccupied people tend to have highly conflictual relationships. Although they are comfortable expressing their emotions, preoccupied individuals often experience a lot of negative emotions, which can often interfere with their relationships."

 

His actions are frustrating to me and that's why I call them stupid. I get why he did it though and he was happy to hear me accept his point of view as valid even though I said I wasn't compatible with it.

Unfortunately anxious and avoidant attached people often find each-other in relationships, it is called the anxious-avoidant trap.

 

You can find a lot of information on attachment on the web. Many websites tell she same things, recycle texts again and again. There are excellent books on the topic. I especially like the book: 'Why Can't I Change? How to Conquer Your Self-Destructive Patterns' as it is easily written. I also would like to recommend the books by Jon G. Allen on attachment.

[elaine567]

I do feel blamed for how he felt. I won't deny that I played a huge role in it, but I did try my best over the past year to get him to be more open to me, and to bring us closer. I felt like he didn't try to respond to that very hard.

 

He was on his way out, and he was not going to respond to you.

He needed an excuse and a reason to split, for himself and for you too. Withdrawal caused you try and pull him close and then he had his reason - you were smothering him.

 

And yes, even he says he wants his cake and eat it too. He says he doesn't want his actions to be at anybody's expense, and that's why he doesn't want monogamy anymore. He wants to do what he wants and doesn't want somebody like me who has such a wide range of things that might hurt me, to be a liability to his self-growth.

 

The more desperate and "madder"" and more needy you got, the more he felt justified in pulling the plug on you.

"Who could possibly live with such a woman, she drove me to it,

I had to leave for my own sanity."

Truth is he was horny for other women, he was fed up being in a relationship.

 

I must add, he is the protective type. One of the things we discussed was that with all of my fears and emotions, he was so constantly busy protecting me from just about anything that it just became too much to deal with.

 

He took himself away from you, he closed down, he made you anxious and weak, he pulls the rug from under your feet and then he blames you for falling down...

He conveniently forgets his part in it.

[aloneinaz]

If you were broken up, he didn't cheat. But, I still think his actions in going out and getting some strange that fast showed he simply wasn't into you or that relationship any longer. He knew it would probably be a permanent deal breaker if you found out and he didn't care.

 

 

I'd still suggest exploring how your coming across in relationships and make adjustments as needed. Recycling bake to dysfunctional/toxic relationships is a recipe for ongoing pain and suffering. You have to know the likelihood of it working is zero.

 

 

You'd be much better of IMOP to ride through this break up pain, work on yourself and find someone you're more compatible with.

[Downtown]

I may not have resolved these issues as much as I thought I had since then.... I don't know if I still have major anger issues.

I don't know either, IQ. Yet, I will say that -- unless a temporary hormone problem or drug habit occurred earlier -- it would be rare for a person having little control over her emotions at age 25 to largely resolve that problem, on her own, within just seven years. Learning the necessary emotional skills is hard enough when it is done in early childhood. Doing so at age 25 is nearly impossible without professional guidance when the problem is serious.

 

One reason is that you cannot "step outside yourself" to see what the problems are. Another reason is that, if you had been fully reliant for 25 years on the primitive emotional skills available to you in childhood, it would have been extremely difficult to let go of them and move on to the more mature emotional skills that most people acquire in childhood. The "controlling behaviour and emotional outbursts" you mention, for example, are two of the primitive ego defenses that we all use to survive childhood. Yet, those same defenses that served us so well in early childhood will eventually undermine and destroy our attempts to maintain close adult relationships.

 

I do need to learn to curb my emotions. I have always been a self-sufficient person and for some reason the idea of seeing a therapist doesn't appeal to me.

If you do have a serious problem with regulating your own emotions, you can make some progress on your own by simply reading about it and trying to apply what you learn. You won't get far, however. As I said above, it is very very difficult to acquire new emotional skills after having been fully reliant on less mature skills for 25 or 32 years.

 

This is why professional guidance would be essential if your emotional regulation skills are seriously deficient. I therefore suggest that you see a psychologist -- for at least a visit or two -- to get a professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with and how serious it is.

[casey.lives]

suffocating and codependence are unhealthy and sickly... and just because you had an unhealthy experience at love coupledom doesn't mean monogamy is the problem.... your approach is the problem, or you are picking people who not mature enough for love.

[infiniteQuest]

I can't wrap my head around how selfish he was. I thought he loved me more than anything, but that has ended. I don't know how to deal with that. I don't know if I can ever trust in true, pure love again.

[aloneinaz]

I can't wrap my head around how selfish he was. I thought he loved me more than anything, but that has ended. I don't know how to deal with that. I don't know if I can ever trust in true, pure love again.

 

 

 

Everyone feels this way when the emotions are high from a fresh break up. I did. These feelings/thoughts will ease up as time passes w/NC. Just be kind to yourself. It's a very good thing that you're taking ownership in part of the relationship not working out. Most people can't accept ANY accountability for their shortcomings.

 

 

Now, the hard part is to work on the things you feel need to be addressed in you. Therapy as mentioned, can help you process all these feelings you're having and get you on the road to recovery quicker too.

 

 

Just breathe, relax and understand "this too shall pass" when you get strong waves of thoughts/frustration or sadness.

[infiniteQuest]

After 20 days of NC, my ex reached out to me to see if I'm "alright". I've heard that our brains have this incredible capacity to eliminate the negative memories and only keep the positive ones. So I am writing down my story here and all the bad things he did to me just so I don't forget and get tempted to go back. I'm F30 and he's M32, and our relationship was 3.5 years.

 

So we hit if off pretty quickly when we met. We're both physically attractive and has this amazing high feminine / high masculine contrast to us that made us take the leap of faith into falling hard for each other. For the first two years I thought he was the greatest thing in my life, very supportive, helped me buy / negotiate a car, was always there to help my family, looked after me and barely left my apartment when I was extremely sick, seemed to always be fascinated by me. Overall we had tons of fun together and anybody who ran into us would tell us that we were so cute and how we were their favorite couple. I was also amazed by how kind and protective he was as a person.

 

Jealousy

In the midst of all the adoration and intense sex, we slowly started having some issues. It started with me being jealous that he seemed to want attention from other women. He would have these friends that he would take care of, or invite regularly to his house to "study" for a license he wanted to get. In my previous relationship, I was never an intensely jealous person. I have experimented with deep emotional connections with men, and I know that they aren't a threat as long as you understand that they can bring variety to your own relationships, and as long as you've defined mutually acceptable boundaries between the two of you. I tried to discuss boundaries and have conversations in the hopes that our discussions would reassure me that his perspective on these relationships was similar to mine. But he thought differently, and rejected the whole concept of boundaries altogether. He thought that he could never make any promises that anything was permanent, but that he loved me deeply and that I should have nothing to worry about as long as I kept loving him the way I did. He insisted that we should always have complete freedom, and that setting boundaries would infringe on the individual's freedom to be who they are. I always thought it was too much an individualistic approach for a relationship, and in the end the fact that he wasn't able to discuss a model that would suit both of us on paper, didn't make me feel safe. So I had several flareups of jealousy and fights over other girls in his life, checking his phone, etc. We had intense discussions afterwards, and I had stopped checking his phone once and for all about 6 months before our relationship ended, but I think he had stopped trusting me with it long time before then and it couldn't be reversed anymore.

 

Attention-seeking

The other thing that bothered me greatly about him was that he seemed to always seek attention and validation from people. At first it didn't seem like a big deal, he came off as a really nice guy who would just do random kind things for his friends, entertain the crowd, etc. But eventually this attention-seeking started to be more and more at my expense. I started feeling more and more that he would indulge/ prioritize his friends over me, just to get attention from them. I felt like he wasn't loyal to me, and it just exacerbated the overall jealousy issues I had.

 

It also drove a bigger divide between us because at the beginning I always made it a point to pet his ego and give him lots of praise for the things that I did appreciate about him. But with him seeking attention all over the place I felt less and less compelled to do that, and so he would just turn elsewhere for validation where I think he should have turned to me instead.

 

Again, talking about it didn't help, as he would get really upset with me and drill into the whole "you don't own me and I am an independent individual" speech, which didn't offer me any comfort of indication that was was aware of the underlying issues. I did my best to try to calm myself down and listen to him and tell him how great he was as much as I could, but I still didn't feel like a priority for him.

 

 

I felt smothered and unheard

At the beginning of our relationship, I would make it a point to let him be a man and make decisions sometimes for the both of us, in certain areas I thought were appropriate. Eventually I realized that it had gotten skewed, and that he didn't respect my own decision-making process at all. It came down to where he would tell me that I was handling my kitchen knife wrong because he had read this and that elsewhere, and would insist that I do it his way, even when I had years of cooking experience over him. As much as he made arguments for the importance of preserving the individual in a relationship, he treated me as if I had to do most things his way.

 

It's only after our breakup that I realized how little he actually respected me on an individual level. I have a strong personality so I went on doing things my way despite what he would say, but somebody who loves you should appreciate your differences, instead of rejecting them or at the very best ignoring them.

 

He also would talk so much most of the time, painting his own stories and experiences with great detail, and while I would share mine, he would just nod and never ask any follow up questions. I always try to be a great listener, so when he would tell me something, I would ask a ton of questions and get him to talk more. When I would tell a story, he would just be quiet and try his best not to interrupt me, but when I'd finish he'd just acknowledge the end of the story and that was that. I felt in the end like he wasn't even interested in getting to really know me. I felt like he was only out to share his own stories and for me to listen and be amazed by them.

 

At the end of our relationship, we both acknowledged that we didn't have many of those very deep conversations that a couple that was very close should have. No kidding! How could you have a deep conversation with somebody who hides behind some made-up philosophy and especially lacks the self-awareness to be honest with himself about his experiences, and to top it all off who isn't capable of listening to me express myself?

 

He didn't value me

I am used to getting lots of attention from the opposite sex, and while all of my guy friends would tell me that I look great, by year 2 he would only lukewarmly acknowledge it. Meanwhile, he disagreed on the color i dyed my hair, how much makeup I was wearing, and would give me crap for reading an occasional girly magazine. My looks aren't most of what is valuable about me, but they are important to me and I put a lot of work into them to use them as a form of self-expression. For a long time I shrugged off his mild disinterest as something that wasn't very important, but in the end I think it was indicative of the fact that he didn't want to get to know me for who I was, and didn't have the capacity to understand me as an individual with multiple facets, and cherish those in their own right. I felt like he had pigeon-holed me into the typical "wife" role and couldn't understand me in any other capacity.

 

It is no wonder then that after a while he insisted that he needed "variety". When you can't be bothered to go beyond scratching the surface of another individual, it's normal to get bored with them. It's an immature way of viewing a relationship, and it's stupid to say that "all men need variety". A relationship is supposed to move past the looks to a deeper level, with self-awareness, with sharing your inner worlds and experiences, sexual or not, which all feed back into attraction through the intellectual connection. There is a ton of things to discover and understand about me, beyond looks, beyond my daily mannerisms, and I refuse to believe that I can't be enough to entertain one person for the foreseeable future.

 

The Break Up

Our relationship definitively fell apart about a month ago. At that point we had been talking pretty intensely about the need to communicate more, and share more. I told him that we needed to spend more time together and that I felt neglected and that I wasn't a priority in his life anymore. He was supposed to take me away to another city for the weekend. The straw that broke the camel's back was when he was planning the trip and casually told me that his friend was going to catch a ride with us on our way there. I completely lost it because I felt like he missed the whole point, and that I still wasn't a priority despite everything he said, and so I told him we were done.

 

One week later I calmed down and came back to try and fix things. By that time he had decided that he didn't miss our relationship, and that he felt smothered by me and my demands, and insisted that I didn't own him and that he had to have complete freedom from my expectations and my jealousy about his friends. So he insisted that he would be sleeping with other people, and that I should accept that if I loved him as a person and not something I "owned". I told him that I had previously dabbled in open relationships, and that they wren't for me. I asked him to reconsider, tried to negotiate, to no avail. One day later he had slept with someone else despite how upset I was to have my heart broken like this. I said my goodbyes, told him I still loved him despite everything, and he said the same. I told him not to contact me again unless he was in a crisis or unless he wanted to be exclusive, and proceeded to NC and what would be the most painful days of my life.

 

Now that he's reaching out, I don't want to be weak and go back. There are too many gaping holes in the dynamic, not to mention the utmost betrayal and selfishness, and I don't feel like this relationship could be salvaged. I just want to remember this for later.

[TaraMaiden2]

It's important you never, ever reply.

 

He's not breaking NC.

 

If you reply, however, you will.

 

He can 'reach out' all he wants. For you to respond, will break NC and set you back.

[ravfour4]

Sorry to hear about your story and I'm glad you're not planning on responding.

 

Some of the issues you had sounded very similar to the things my ex said. Early on the relationship she relied heavily on me for all decision making, she was much better socially than me and I was more of the intellectual. She'd panic over simple decisions and would constantly compliment my intelligence. I sometimes would tell her to cook things a certain way because I read that way was best. I wasn't trying to be controlling, I was just trying to make us both the best we could be, and I would say that, but in retrospect I see how it came off as controlling and why it made her so angry. With clear communication, had she said "I understand you read that but sometimes I just like to do things my way" - issues could have been resolved.

 

I've come to understand how ridiculously important it is in a relationship to be able to convey your thoughts in a way the other person will understand rather than always expecting them to read your mind. I'd flat out tell her what bothered me or what I needed and she'd do nothing about it. She'd be cryptic with me and I felt like I was constantly trying to solve a puzzle. If I had really taken the time to think about what was going wrong, it would have become obvious, but I didn't want to put in that energy when she seemed to have given up and was cold as could be.

[infiniteQuest]

Sorry to hear about your story and I'm glad you're not planning on responding.

 

Some of the issues you had sounded very similar to the things my ex said. Early on the relationship she relied heavily on me for all decision making, she was much better socially than me and I was more of the intellectual. She'd panic over simple decisions and would constantly compliment my intelligence. I sometimes would tell her to cook things a certain way because I read that way was best. I wasn't trying to be controlling, I was just trying to make us both the best we could be, and I would say that, but in retrospect I see how it came off as controlling and why it made her so angry. With clear communication, had she said "I understand you read that but sometimes I just like to do things my way" - issues could have been resolved.

 

I've come to understand how ridiculously important it is in a relationship to be able to convey your thoughts in a way the other person will understand rather than always expecting them to read your mind. I'd flat out tell her what bothered me or what I needed and she'd do nothing about it. She'd be cryptic with me and I felt like I was constantly trying to solve a puzzle. If I had really taken the time to think about what was going wrong, it would have become obvious, but I didn't want to put in that energy when she seemed to have given up and was cold as could be.

 

I think you eventually come to understand that there's absolutely nothing you can do about intellectual incompatibility. If you have communication styles that are so different that it feels like solving a puzzle, or if one person lacks the self-awareness to express their experience and decisions in a way that's understandable to you, you will run into a slew of other problems down the line, like boredom, lack of connection, disrespecting one another over what seems like trivial things because you don't understand the underlying logic.

 

It shouldn't be up to you to figure everything out, part of a great intellectual partnership is uncovering the other person through their own expression.

[infiniteQuest]

My ex texted me about a week ago, trying to see if I was "alright". I didn't respond, but today he asked flat out if I were just going to not talk to him, and I broke NC somewhat deliberately because I wanted to hear an apology and see if it would make me feel better.

 

You can read my story in my other thread, but the short version is that we were together for 3.5 years, and he got distant disengaged from the relationship, accused me of being controlling, and basically ended up sleeping with someone else the day after we broke up. I'm not all innocent, but I would have never moved on so quickly out of respect or hurt him in such a way no matter how angry I was.

 

I had a really tough time with the break up and the NC, but I kept it strong for 20-some days, but as I was starting to feel better I still wondered if he had realized what he had done to me, so that's why I took the bait when he texted me.

 

Well, it helped and it didn't. As much as he said he was sorry over and over again, told me how he regretted breaking my heart, that I was the only person who's made him be able to love again, how I was the greatest thing that had ever happened in his life, how he'll never forget what I did for him, he also accused me of vilifying him and sh*tting on our time together when I told him that he had offended me so much that I didn't want to know him anymore. Part of me felt like I got the apology I deserved, but that was overshadowed by his glaring stupidity when he insisted that I was only pissed because he did something that was against my "rules". Honestly I don't even know why he texted me because he seemed disappointed and angry once he realized that I was telling him off, and wasn't happy he was in touch or wanted anything to do with him.

 

I kept trying to tell him, no, you don't get it, your selfishness has really hurt me, badly, and then he'd apologize, and then insist that I was evil by cutting him out of my life, and there it was, that selfishness, all up in my face again and again. It was a very strange, circular argument.

 

I don't know if I feel better or worse after breaking NC.. Maybe a little better because of the half-meant apology, which given how selfish he is I don't even know whether it was sincere. It was kind of like banging my head against the wall. I can't believe he's always been like this and I've never seen it as clearly before.

[Popsicle]

Sounds like he texted you to see if he can slide back in easily.

 

Go back to no contact.

[aloneinaz]

Unless you love drama and BS in your life, I see no reason nor value to have any further contact with this person. At this point, it doesn't matter who did what.

The big rock is it wasn't a healthy relationship. The way it ended and the actions he took only reinforce this point.

[Redhead14]

My ex texted me about a week ago, trying to see if I was "alright". I didn't respond, but today he asked flat out if I were just going to not talk to him, and I broke NC somewhat deliberately because I wanted to hear an apology and see if it would make me feel better.

 

You can read my story in my other thread, but the short version is that we were together for 3.5 years, and he got distant disengaged from the relationship, accused me of being controlling, and basically ended up sleeping with someone else the day after we broke up. I'm not all innocent, but I would have never moved on so quickly out of respect or hurt him in such a way no matter how angry I was.

 

I had a really tough time with the break up and the NC, but I kept it strong for 20-some days, but as I was starting to feel better I still wondered if he had realized what he had done to me, so that's why I took the bait when he texted me.

 

Well, it helped and it didn't. As much as he said he was sorry over and over again, told me how he regretted breaking my heart, that I was the only person who's made him be able to love again, how I was the greatest thing that had ever happened in his life, how he'll never forget what I did for him, he also accused me of vilifying him and sh*tting on our time together when I told him that he had offended me so much that I didn't want to know him anymore. Part of me felt like I got the apology I deserved, but that was overshadowed by his glaring stupidity when he insisted that I was only pissed because he did something that was against my "rules". Honestly I don't even know why he texted me because he seemed disappointed and angry once he realized that I was telling him off, and wasn't happy he was in touch or wanted anything to do with him.

 

I kept trying to tell him, no, you don't get it, your selfishness has really hurt me, badly, and then he'd apologize, and then insist that I was evil by cutting him out of my life, and there it was, that selfishness, all up in my face again and again. It was a very strange, circular argument.

 

I don't know if I feel better or worse after breaking NC.. Maybe a little better because of the half-meant apology, which given how selfish he is I don't even know whether it was sincere. It was kind of like banging my head against the wall. I can't believe he's always been like this and I've never seen it as clearly before.

 

Breaking NC is kinda like a drug, you may get some relief, but it's temporary. And, getting a half-apology is worse than no apology. That being said, why would someone apologize anyway if they weren't happy in the relationship? I mean, you don't apologize for that. The relationship wasn't working for whatever reason(s) for either party really. There is no such thing as one person being totally happy and the other not. When one party is unhappy and the other one "thinks" they are, they've been operating on auto-pilot, which is why you can't believe he's always been like that.

 

And, since he's apologizing at all, it means he thinks he had "control" over you and your happiness. If he thinks that way, he either got the sense that you were completely dependent on him for your happiness or he is narcissist/selfish and controlling anyway. "which given how selfish he is I don't even know whether it was sincere".

 

Reinstate NC and get focused on YOU and not reflecting on the relationship.Get centered and move on with your life as an independent, secure, strong woman in her own right. A woman doesn't need a man to make her happy. A man should only enhance the happiness a woman already has for herself, not bring all of it to her.