No invites

[Gagirl]

Yesterday, I read the posts on facebook of friends having 4th of July parties or spending their day on the boat. My husband and I would love to do that stuff but have not been invited to do so since we had kids. Why do people stop inviting parents to do stuff after they have kids? I have no problem leaving my kids with a sitter for awhile. No one ever tells you how horribly isolating it is to have kids and if they see you out they are up your ass wondering who is taking care of the kids. I started asking them why it's their business or told them I sent them off to military school for the year.

[angel.eyes]

Yesterday, I read the posts on facebook of friends having 4th of July parties or spending their day on the boat. My husband and I would love to do that stuff but have not been invited to do so since we had kids.

Why don't you have a barbeque, party, or sail, and invite your friends to it? Invites and being social go both ways. You can initiate too. The first people I think of when having a social gathering are the people I speak with the most and the folks who've invited me to theirs. That's just human nature.

 

Why do people stop inviting parents to do stuff after they have kids?

Most parents' lives are dominated by their kids, not surprisingly. The end result though, is that parents usually don't spend a lot of time socializing with their friends and they aren't there as a source of support the way they used to be...They have kids to take care of. Since you engage your friends less and you aren't as available any more, you have to reach out when you're ready to be social.

 

if they see you out they are up your ass wondering who is taking care of the kids. I started asking them why it's their business or told them I sent them off to military school for the year.

I'm guessing there's an awkward silence when you do this and then they flee under some pretext. Be realistic. Folks aren't going to jump over themselves toinvite you to their parties when you're that antagonistic to simple curiosity and interest? People socialize at get togethers to have fun and enjoy themselves, not to deal with your anger and resentment or feel scolded. Be gracious about it...my little ones are bonding with their grandparents this afternoon...or whatever you've arranged on the childcare front. You're burning bridges in the invite department by turning social interactions into antagonistic exchanges.

 

Do you know other mothers? One option would be to hang out and socialize with them and their families. You may have an easier time in that social pond.

[Shepp]

I have 3 kids under 2 and me and the missus don't want for invites... but we entertain all the time, my doors always open to my mates/family, but more than that I love to host & organise so I do it a lot, bbq's, bike rides, movie nights, you name it ....it's a two way thing, you entertain people and they entertain back, your include people in your plans and they know your up for being included in theres..

 

 

I second what angel.eyes says when i'm organising things the first people I text are the people I see most, I don't scroll down my contacts for that couple I knew once..

[TigerCub]

Yesterday, I read the posts on facebook of friends having 4th of July parties or spending their day on the boat. My husband and I would love to do that stuff but have not been invited to do so since we had kids. Why do people stop inviting parents to do stuff after they have kids? I have no problem leaving my kids with a sitter for awhile. No one ever tells you how horribly isolating it is to have kids and if they see you out they are up your ass wondering who is taking care of the kids. I started asking them why it's their business or told them I sent them off to military school for the year.

 

Really? And you wonder why your friends don't want you around?

 

I think Angel explained it perfectly.

 

Also, if I were to have a fun boat activity thing and I invited my friends, I would hope that it stays fun and doesn't have crying screaming kids around, so that would lead to the awkwardness of saying 'No kids please' to the ones with kids and that is just uncomfortable.

I mean I'm sure some people would want to get a sitter for their kids, but some might just assume that they can bring the whole family - so that awkward 'No kids please' would be necessary, and if you snap just at someone asking who your sitter is - do you think that your friends are going to want to mention their no kids policy or mention anything with regards to a sitter?

 

When people have kids, their life changes and I think that's why they end up gravitating more to other couples with kids because they share more when it comes to this new life. I'm not saying that people with kids and people without can't be friends, but like angel said, it's a 2 way thing too and respect. If you find their questions invasive or inappropriate, I'm sure there is a much more respectful, adult way or addressing the issue.

Edited July 14, 2015 by TigerCub

[Astridskylar]

love your military school comment :-)

i wish i could send mine but theyre too young still

[Gagirl]

I have to agree with the screaming kids part. I don't spend much time around them either. I take them to school in the mornings and don't see them until 9pm after I get home from work and their after school activities have ended. On the weekends, I'll take them to their activities and then barricade myself in the bedroom pretty much until Monday. I make a point to keep them in as many after school and summer activities as possible. This is why I don't want people asking. If they knew I couldn't stand my kids and had nothing to do with them them it would be even more isolating. I won't even take them on family vacations or the store or anything because they are so embarrassing.

[elaine567]

I have to agree with the screaming kids part. I don't spend much time around them either. I take them to school in the mornings and don't see them until 9pm after I get home from work and their after school activities have ended. On the weekends, I'll take them to their activities and then barricade myself in the bedroom pretty much until Monday. I make a point to keep them in as many after school and summer activities as possible. This is why I don't want people asking. If they knew I couldn't stand my kids and had nothing to do with them them it would be even more isolating. I won't even take them on family vacations or the store or anything because they are so embarrassing.

 

 

Oh dear, I hope you are joking here.

[angel.eyes]

Why did you have kids?

[TaraMaiden2]

Why did you have kids?

 

There is going to be no sensible, logical or even reasonable answer to this, you realise that, don't you?

[Gagirl]

I'm not joking. The first one was born with autism and the others look up to him and act just like him. I spent thousands on his care and nothing works. I am an invoreted person and they draw attention to me and embarrass me every where we go. My husband likes to yell, hit and scream at thèm in public so that adds to the humiliation. It is awful and has been awful for years. You cannot imagine how bad it sucks! The poor coaches, teachers and other parents just want us to drop out of their organizatons because my kids are wasting their time but guess what, they get to keep them until they age out. It is just terrible but I want my kids around normal kids in the hope that they too wil be embarrassed by their own behavor and start acting normal. Most days, I just try and pretend that none of this exists. I really just can't deal with it and consulting doesn't make a bit of difference. They just tell me I have to wait it out. It's feels good that I can come out here and vent and not have to hide behind a bunch of lies for a change.

[angel.eyes]

There are a large number of support groups for parents of autistic kids. You may find the support, understanding, and ideas/suggestions discussed at their meetings helpful. Consider visiting a few.

 

Kids who feel they aren't wanted or loved tend to act out. If you can find a way to relate to your kids, that might help your situation.

[Gagirl]

I've tried those groups and they are only for little kids in my area. He is way past potty training. I also spent three days with them this week and it was pure hell! I took one to wrestling camp and the ride down and that night in the hotel was just terrible! My husband would not stop yelling and whipping kids and they would not lay down and shut up. I'm amazed that we didn't get thrown out. Also, when we travel the autistic kid throws up all night and has to sleep in the bathroom. I end up cleaning up loads of puke. Does that sound like a fun vacation to any of you? But, the wrestling camp was fantastic!! As usual the son who is not autistic refused to listen and pay attention to the coach so the whole group of kids has to do 100 push-ups! He stayed focused and paid attention after that. It was worth the trip just for that!!

[TaraMaiden2]

You sound like awful awful parents who don't have the first idea how to cope with, or bring up children.

 

I suggest - seriously - you get social services involved and put them into care.

Anything would be better than the upbringing they're getting.

[Gagirl]

I get the awful parents speech all the tine and as you can tell I honestly don't give a **** about what other people think. Since you are such an expert raising kids why don't you come over and raise mine? You wouldn't even make it a month before you bailed. Everybody wants to sit around and talk about us and not do **** to help. Hey how about helping us clean or do yard work once in awhile. That's more useful than than advice from all knowing morons who have no idea what it's like to have special needs kids with no help from anyone. And oh by the way social services won't do ****. I have a friend who fosters kids and all the state wants to do is place them back with their parents so they don't have to support them. She tried to adopt a little girl once who mother said made her see demons. Guess where the kid is today? Back with mommy! My friend no longer fosters because it was worthless to do. So don't throw Stones at glass houses unless you've walked in that person's shoes. Hey, their grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins don't even want them around. We were invited on one family vacation 6 years ago and now not a one of them has anything to do with us. My kids don't even know the their aunt's and uncle's names. They won't even call them or send them a card on their birthdays or holidays.

[TaraMaiden2]

I get the awful parents speech all the tine and as you can tell I honestly don't give a **** about what other people think. Since you are such an expert raising kids why don't you come over and raise mine? You wouldn't even make it a month before you bailed.

Guess again....

 

You think you're speaking as a lone voice to others who have never had kids?

You think you're the only one here with an autistic child?

You're the only one here who's admitting having a toxic, dysfunctional relationship with ALL your children - one of whom happens to be mentally ill.

 

Everybody wants to sit around and talk about us and not do **** to help. Hey how about helping us clean or do yard work once in awhile.

How about all doing it together, as a family? You know, joint venture, make work fun....

 

That's more useful than than advice from all knowing morons who have no idea what it's like to have special needs kids with no help from anyone.

 

Our Parish priest has three - THREE boys, all with cerebral palsy. One of them is also Down's syndrome.They need round the clock care. Her husband is also a pastor. She has 15 Parishes she is responsible for. They have a part-time home help, but the boys are entirely their responsibility.

Her sheer love, devotion and care for her boys makes her an angel on earth.

 

And oh by the way social services won't do ****. I have a friend who fosters kids and all the state wants to do is place them back with their parents so they don't have to support them. She tried to adopt a little girl once who mother said made her see demons. Guess where the kid is today? Back with mommy! My friend no longer fosters because it was worthless to do.

Honestly, put them up for adoption, or contact social services with the express REQUEST to have them taken into care.

 

So don't throw Stones at glass houses unless you've walked in that person's shoes.

Your presumption that you can only possibly be the single person who's ever experienced difficulties in motherhood, is astonishing....

 

Hey, their grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins don't even want them around. We were invited on one family vacation 6 years ago and now not a one of them has anything to do with us. My kids don't even know the their aunt's and uncle's names. They won't even call them or send them a card on their birthdays or holidays.

That is entirely YOUR FAULT. Not your kids', not your relatives' fault. Yours.

 

Quit whining and get down and get your parenting skills right. You're a disgrace. Anyone would think you had the weight of the world on your shoulders but you should be regarding your children as a blessing.

 

Why you even had one with that attitude, is unthinkable.

[TerraIncognita]

Gagirl, I would agree with others that nasty come backs to questions where your kids are, aren't going to get you more invitations to hang out. You ought to be nicer to people if you want them to want you around. Have you tried being honest with your friends that you'd like to be invited so you can get away and decompress from your home situation? Do they know what's going on?

 

Where does your family stand in your situation? Can your or your husband' s parents help with child rearing?

 

I am thinking that your healthy kids should be away from their autistic sibling as much as possible so they don't emulate his/her behavior. Try breaking your situation down to parts and dealing with them separately. It won't be as overwhelming.

 

I am very sorry you are dealing with so much, all by yourself sounds like.

Edited July 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Gagirl]

I do my part for the kids, I pay for their school, medical visits, activities, clothes and the list goes on and on. I put them in the best programs in the state and make sure the people they interact with set good examples. As a matter fact a bully at autistic kid's school tried to put his head in the toilet last year. He could never get a good grip on my son so he picked another kid to do that too. If he wouldn't have been wrestling his head would have been the one in the toilet.

 

I would also be willing to bet that every time she see her pastor's special needs kids that she thanks her lucky stars that isn't herself in that situation. So a far sucking it up and parenting, I do my part by going to work everyday and providing them with their current standard of living.

Edited July 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TerraIncognita]

Gagirl, you have my sympathy... I have a friend with a mentally disabled child. It's an awful situation and despite their best efforts, it's just not getting better. I see her sufferings snd futile effort to get it manageable, it is so painful.

Just hoping it'll somehow get better for you.

Edited July 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[nouedis]

Some things just aren't meant to happen.

[stillafool]

OP, the way you described your children I can understand now why you and your husband aren't invited anywhere. The people are probably afraid you are going to bring your kids. The problem is not your kids but you and your husbands. You raised them. You can change them with discipline and I would suggest you get started so they don't turn into teenage monsters and then you will really have problems.

[William]

Folks, let's move away from the editorializing and inflammatory language which moderation cleaned up here. We understand that emotions can get the better of folks but we strive to keep our discussions civil and respectful of all perspectives. When in doubt, push away from the keyboard and let it go. This saves moderation from curtailing your posting privileges and discussions can proceed in a productive manner. Thanks so much and please continue!

[Clarence_Boddicker]

I don't know about your situation, but I've spent some time with a neighborhood Aspie kid. This kid has a lot of issues, but what I believe is the cause of 80% of his behavioral problems is lack of effective discipline. I'm not talking about abusive punishment like hitting, spanking, threats & yelling. This seems to be a generational thing. It's really simple. Follow these rules or suffer these consequences. I'm talking set in stone specific rules & what will happen if they are violated. No bargaining whatsoever. Today's culture of entitlement is a root cause of misbehaving children. That is 100% on parents. A cell phone is a privilege, not a right. Parents are only obligated to provide their children with; basic (not BS designer mallrat crap) clothing, education, basic (not processed or fast food/restaurant junk) food & basic (not pretentious gated community elite housing) shelter. Everything above that needs to be earned. Yes society is cruel, but spoiling children is also cruel & can have a very negative on their whole life.

[beatcuff]

OP, you appear to be EXTREMELY stressed out. We have your frustration, how/what does your husband fit in/do?

[anika99]

I agree with Clarence. OP you say that you send your kids to places where others will be good examples but your kids look to their parents to set a good example. Do you think you and your husband set a good example to your kids? Do you think screaming and hitting them is the correct way to handle them?

 

 

It sounds like their are no clear boundaries for your kids. No rules with clear and consistent consequences for being broken. Your husband reacts in anger and physical abuse and you try to hide and avoid the situation. Kids need their mom and they probably feel abandoned by you while your husband's behavior is just exacerbating the situation.

 

 

I have a little brother who had severe behavioral issues and my selfish immature parents dealt with it a lot like you and your husband are except my mom was a sahm so she was with my brothers all day. Basically when my youngest brother started acting up she would make empty threats that she wouldn't follow through on, so my brother would amp up his behaviour so then my mother would start screaming at him but still not actually do anything. Eventually she's snap and then hit him. So my brothers didn't get disciplined when they broke the rules, they got disciplined when they made my mom finally lose her temper. See the problem there? One day my mom would tell my brother 5 times to stop jumping on the furniture and then finally she would get mad and hit them, and then the next day she would tell them 10 times to stop jumping on the furniture before she'd snap and lose her temper on them. Talk about ineffective parenting. There should have been a rule stating no jumping on the furniture and if this rule is broke then this will be the consequences (perhaps being sent to ones room alone, or no cartoons or no cookie for snack) and then those consequences should have been dished out the very moment that rule was broken every single time without exception. Instead my mother just spent all day screaming and hitting. It was ridiculous.

 

 

My stepfather was even worse. My mother, being entirely inept at showing any leadership or ability to control a couple of little kids would also spend the day calling my father at work to scream at him about how she couldn't handle the kids. She would put my brothers on the phone so he could yell at them too. By the end of the workday my stepfather would be fed up with these calls and come home in a foul mood. He was angry before he even got home and when he stepped through the front door he was already looking for someone to take his anger out on. So the evening would go much the same as the daytime except now my brothers had both of their parents screaming at them and hitting them. Initially my youngest brother was the problem child but all of the yelling, hitting and anger from my parents took it's toll on my normal brother and he became problematic too and my parents were totally to blame for that. My brothers weren't failing as children, my mom and stepfather were failing as parents.

 

 

I don't doubt that your situation is very hard. I did not have an autistic child but I was a single parent of 2 boys by the time I was 21. Not only was I very young, I was very poor and very alone as obviously my family was extremely dysfunctional and not capable of offering me any help or support. Raising 2 rambunctious boys all alone in poverty was no picnic. My kids dad was not interested in being a father and he moved several city's away and only visited the kids a couple of times a year. I had to work full time for low pay and deal with my kids who often acted out because I was away from the home too much and their father was gone. It was hard on me but it was harder on my kids. They deserved so much more than I was able to do or provide. They didn't ask to be born to a young poor uneducated mother, they didn't ask for a deadbeat father. They caused me all kinds of problems. When my oldest was 11 he had his friends over 1 day while I was at work. They called a bunch of overseas numbers for telephone sex. They thought it was funny. My phone bill was over a thousand dollars that month. We lived on less than a thousand dollars a month. Bye bye phone. Phone company cut me off because I couldn't pay the bill. Another time both my sons decided to excavate the back yard with their big Tonka trucks. They dug big holes and made tunnels and dirt piles, the whole yard was dug right up. It was impressive but my landlord wasn't impressed. He evicted us and I ended up having to spend 2 months at friends place with my kids, which was another nightmare all on it's own, before I was able to get us another place.

 

 

I could go on and on with stories but my point is that parenting is extremely hard for lots of people. My kids and I suffered too. However I never blamed my children. It wasn't their fault. I was the one who was supposed to be parenting them and leading them. When they acted out and got in trouble that was my doing, that was my failure as a parent. I know you are frustrated but your kids didn't create this out of control toxic environment, you and your husband did. Stop blaming your kids and stop making it sound like they are ruining your life. Stop making excuses and start looking for help.

[lollipopspot]

That's more useful than than advice from all knowing morons who have no idea what it's like to have special needs kids with no help from anyone. And oh by the way social services won't do ****. I have a friend who fosters kids and all the state wants to do is place them back with their parents so they don't have to support them.

 

You and your husband seem really stressed out, and he's abusing the kids. I think you really need to go to child and family services or whatever it is in your area, and say that you cannot handle the kids anymore. You really need to do everything in your power to reach out for help. At this point it seems like you're probably closed off to parenting help, and I think one or more of the kids (particularly the autistic one) just needs to be removed from your house. Probably all of them, because they're not getting effective parenting. Surely you realize that. It really seems as though you or your husband are going to snap, and possibly hurt one of the kids, and it seems to me that at this point of anger there needs to be removal. You need to explore options for this, and not give up because it's not easy.

 

You're carrying a lot of free floating anger around, and I'm willing to bet that that is the reason why you are not getting invited places.