when does the hurt, and pain of not having your children on holidays go away

[Apaige]

I hate it...I can't stand not having them with me on holidays. I know he deserves his time with them too...but I hate it. I stopped looking forward to holiday's about 3 years ago. This coming from a true lover of the holiday's.

 

I hate being alone on these days, I don't want to be around people b/c I am just miserable, and get so angry that this is what my life has turned into. I know embrace what I have...and I try, but there are more days than none that I just can't understand why my life is nothing but road block after road block...So many changes, and some day's I feel that I have come a long way, and then other day's I just cannot wrap my finger around WHY...And yes, I know my life could be way worse, but lets face it...we've all been there ( where we just feel sorry for ourselves, and just say this is complete BS)

-I can't find a job where I will have medical insurance (which I now have to pay 600 a month just for medical, just for me)

-I can't go back to school, b/c I cannot afford it, and can't find the time. (I've looked into online classes, but they want ALL tuition to be paid up front)

-I cannot get any financial assistance with schooling b/c I get alimony.

-I cannot even begin to consider living with a significant other b/c I receive alimony. I will lose it if I co habitate with someone else. We are almost 3 years in this relationship, and I don't know where we are going from here. Some days, I do think it would be better for my BF and I if we did live together...and I am not saying that b/c it would make our commitment stronger, but the hassles that come with commuting back and forth from my house to his, dogs, bags, and bags of my stuff being shuffled back and forth. I just sometimes feel like I am living out of bags, and taking care of two houses...

-And I am tired of being alone...(yes, I am dating, but he doesn't see the importance of spending time together as much as I do I guess) I don't want to rely on him to entertain me, but I just wish he'd take as much pride in being with me as I do with him. : (

Edited July 5, 2015 by Apaige

[SammySammy]

Never.

 

It shouldn't go away.

 

Life is difficult at times for those who love the concept of family. I never got used to it. Would have always preferred to have my wife and child with me. Coping ... sucked. Didn't replace that hole in my heart.

 

Hang in there, dear.

[Apaige]

Never.

 

It shouldn't go away.

 

Life is difficult at times for those who love the concept of family. I never got used to it. Would have always preferred to have my wife and child with me. Coping ... sucked. Didn't replace that hole in my heart.

 

Hang in there, dear.

 

I read this and tears just started flowing...I never ever wanted it to be like this. : ( It's just so heart breaking...and you hit the nail on the head with "those that love the concept of family" It's so true, all I wanted in life was to be the best mother and wife that I could be. My family meant EVERYTHING to me, and b/c he was being selfish, the family that I knew is gone...I came from such a close knit family of three, and my mother. My father died when I was in the 8th grade, and my mother died in 2011( one month before my EX husband moved out and filed for divorce, and cheated on me) Me and my siblings aren't close anymore, I am constantly judged with so many things b/c all they can see and accept are "married/family things" I don't even like to be around them anymore. It's just so crazy how quickly so many things can change. Seriously, In a blink of an eye.

[Auspecial]

It will never go away completely but it will get better.

 

Part of it is fully accepting the new reality and also making the conscious choice to enjoy yourself, and permission to look at the new circumstances in a different way than what things "should" be.

[Apaige]

It will never go away completely but it will get better.

 

Part of it is fully accepting the new reality and also making the conscious choice to enjoy yourself, and permission to look at the new circumstances in a different way than what things "should" be.

 

It's been 3 years...ugh...I don't allow myself to "enjoy my new life" b/c of my family and their judgments. I am dating someone and have been for a while, (which may I add, he is the only person that I have dated) but I constantly have to hear ridicule if I go out and do adult things...(meaning dinner, go to a bar for a few drinks, I don't go clubbing or anything like that) I went on a 4 day vacation with the guy that I have been dating, in May, and I am still hearing how selfish I was to take a 4 day "adult" vacation b/c I don't want my son traveling 800 miles away for two weeks with his aunt, uncle and cousins. I agreed to 1 week, but not 2. I know my children, and I don't think they'd last the whole two weeks. Just so pissed, at everything...I didn't ask for any of these changes...

[whichwayisup]

I read this and tears just started flowing...I never ever wanted it to be like this. : ( It's just so heart breaking...and you hit the nail on the head with "those that love the concept of family" It's so true, all I wanted in life was to be the best mother and wife that I could be. My family meant EVERYTHING to me, and b/c he was being selfish, the family that I knew is gone...I came from such a close knit family of three, and my mother. My father died when I was in the 8th grade, and my mother died in 2011( one month before my EX husband moved out and filed for divorce, and cheated on me) Me and my siblings aren't close anymore, I am constantly judged with so many things b/c all they can see and accept are "married/family things" I don't even like to be around them anymore. It's just so crazy how quickly so many things can change. Seriously, In a blink of an eye.

 

All the more reason to just embrace and enjoy the time you spend with your kids when it's your turn to have them. And, really REALLY try your best to accept that as much as it sucks how things turned out, not having your family under one roof, be glad that the kids have a father who loves them and your kids are okay. Try not to feel sadness and anger when they aren't with you (I know easier said than done) and try to keep busy, try new hobbies, meet new people, spend time with other family and friends. Embrace your 'alone' time and not see it as doom and gloom. You're not alone though you may feel lonely.

[Auspecial]

It's been 3 years...ugh...I don't allow myself to "enjoy my new life" b/c of my family and their judgments. I am dating someone and have been for a while, (which may I add, he is the only person that I have dated) but I constantly have to hear ridicule if I go out and do adult things...(meaning dinner, go to a bar for a few drinks, I don't go clubbing or anything like that) I went on a 4 day vacation with the guy that I have been dating, in May, and I am still hearing how selfish I was to take a 4 day "adult" vacation b/c I don't want my son traveling 800 miles away for two weeks with his aunt, uncle and cousins. I agreed to 1 week, but not 2. I know my children, and I don't think they'd last the whole two weeks. Just so pissed, at everything...I didn't ask for any of these changes...

 

 

I can understand the frustration and aggravation. Especially after feeling you have done your part to make things as they ought to be and now feeling like there is a mini family army against one.

 

For me, I wouldn't be able to accept the harsh criticisms that to me, sound like they are more about control than actual concern for the kids. If you are currently using family to baby sit, I would cut that way back, and find someone you trust who is not related to your family.

 

Get some distance. Don't tell them everything about your life.

[No Limit]

About the holidays - why not put your foot down and say no, they're staying with me? Let the kids visit their father during the weekends instead?

[oldshirt]

About the holidays - why not put your foot down and say no, they're staying with me? Let the kids visit their father during the weekends instead?

 

He has parental rights that are recognized by the courts and the courts don't recognize her foot.

 

 

Holidays are a point of contention that the courts get sick of hearing people bitch about. When they make a ruling on holiday visitation and the gavel comes down, they typically don't want to hear any more about it.

[oldshirt]

Op regards to the OP's dilemma with the holidays, My best friend's parents divorced 40 years ago. His father remarried shortly thereafter and his mom has had some BFs of various levels of seriousness over the years but never remarried.

 

 

It is still a source of contention and still a sore subject for them even though my friend is now in his 50s and his sisters are in their upper 40s.

 

 

It's still a hassle every holiday, every year. Someone is still bitching and claiming that they are getting the short end of the stick. Even though the kids are all grown up and have families of their own now, the whining and bitching and bickering are still going on. Now they bitch and bicker over grandchildren and it is probably only going to be a matter of a number of years before there are issues over great grandchildren.

 

 

The only thing I can offer is the more civil and cooperative and amicable that you and your ex can be, the greater the chances of the holiday angst and suffering can be lessened.

 

 

The catch is both will have to give and take and work together. If someone tries to push the least bit too hard, the other will just invoke the court order and everything is all back to square one.

[Apaige]

He has parental rights that are recognized by the courts and the courts don't recognize her foot.

 

 

Holidays are a point of contention that the courts get sick of hearing people bitch about. When they make a ruling on holiday visitation and the gavel comes down, they typically don't want to hear any more about it.

 

This is true...We do have a court order in place, so it's up to the judicial system. Which does suck, but it's better sometimes then battling with the EX. Just hate splitting, making the arrangements, working around his schedule on the holiday's...It just stinks!

[ChicagoSparty]

Can you makes arrangements to alternate on holidays?

 

My ex and I split Christmas with it alternating every year. I will get them for a few days up until Christmas Eve night one year, and then pick them up Christmas Eve night and have them for a few days after the next year. Thanksgiving gets a little crazy some times, because we try to split it.

 

I don't really care about any other holidays, so they can stay with her if she wants to do things with them.

[sandylee1]

It seems to me your family want you to be miserable. There's nothing wrong with enjoying yourself and going on vacation. Just don't bother telling them what you're doing anymore.