OW pregnant by MM

[inabadsituation]

My 1st post anywhere ever. This my 1st time being the OW. My whole life I have been the "good girl" Grew up with both my parents in the house, married, I have always felt cheating was wrong. I have been married and divorced for a few years now, he was a cheater so I know the pain. When we met he told me he was living on his own that they had been separated for a few months(I still should have left him alone until it was over I know). The usual was his story his wife is horrible and he is only there for his son who when we met was 10 months. We are so in love, soul mates blah blah blah you know how it goes. I got on bc pills after a month, crazy. I thought it was love, my fault. He promised we would be together, he wants me to have his kids, etc. There were numerous attempts to break this off, someone would call or text and we would be back in this again. A little over 15 mths this has gone on. The new year came and I was bent on leaving him alone, we stopped briefly. I stopped taking birth control pills because the prescription ran out and I felt I didn't need them anymore because I was done! The relationship was winding down because I was tired of waiting and realized it was no going to happen. We went a few weeks without talking and then texts me on "accident" it was really for someone else. We made plans to see each other the next day, we ended up having sex...normally he would pull out the few times we would have sex since I wasn't on the pill. This time he didn't I guess it was a mutual agreement but really we were calling each others bluff but the jokes on us. I figured at my age (32) they say there is a 20% chance of getting pregnant. We both regretted it immediately, the next morning within 10 hours I took the Plan B(morning after pill). IT DIDN"T WORK as I am now pregnant (5 weeks today)and terrified. I told him, he didn't out right say get an abortion he asked my thoughts and me always thinking about him 1st knew he wanted an abortion( even though numerous times he said he wanted to and that might give him what he needed to leave). He just bought a house 2 months ago (with the wife he has no attraction to and is not in love with at all he is just there for his son who is 2)(Lies). I have come to realize he doesn't really love me I just filled in the areas she didn't and that all his words were just that...words. I have always known babies to keep or get men and I never wanted him like that. And honestly at this point I don't want a relationship with him, n one of this was real. But I don't know what to do...

 

 

I don't want to raise a baby alone I have a 10 yr old currently. I don't want to be judged by everyone, be embarrassed of what I did (which I am), I am clear that I would be doing this alone( he hasn't said that but I know and I am definitely not going to welcome him to me if he only comes because she didn't want to work it out). I am better than that and this situation. I could easily go get an abortion and move on with my life(I would NEVER speak to him again) but I am so against and afraid of an abortion, its murder(to me) how can I kill my own baby right? I did what I did and maybe I deserve to care for the baby alone. I am just not sure what gives me the right. I have not told a soul, again I am the good girl, all of my family and friends would be SHOCKED(a few friends knew we messed around but they all thought it has been over). Very good career, own home, car, things are good except for this. I'm just terrified of an abortion but I know it would make my life a lot easier... I go back n forth every 10 minutes I can't have his baby and then I can't kill my baby. I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions.

[eye of the storm]

I am sorry you are in this. Having the baby, adopting it, or aborting it. It is your choice. But one of the options has a time frame. Go see someone, talk to a neutral third party. Lay it all out there. Do not hide any of the facts. Then work out what YOU want to do.

 

 

If you decide to keep the baby, file legal paperwork for child support. It took two to make the baby, it will take two to support it.

 

 

Adoption is also a viable option. It gives the baby a home where it is wanted, and if it is an open adoption you can still be a nominal part of its life. (or more than nominal depending on the adoption)

 

 

Abortion is also an option. Only you will be carrying this child. Only you know if your life can sustain this child.

 

 

No matter what you choose. Find peace with it.

[Popsicle]

I have never had an abortion in my life, but I would abort a MM's baby so fast it would make your head spin...

[goodyblue]

I have never had an abortion in my life, but I would abort a MM's baby so fast it would make your head spin...

 

I say all the time NEVER have MM's baby. That baby will not have a relationship with its father, if it does plan on his wife raising a baby on weekends that came from an affair. I can't imagine the resentment. The baby's siblings will resent him and possibly OP.

 

So not the right thing for the poor baby. How do people get themselves in such a horrible situation. And it will be horrible foe everyone for the rest of their life.

 

So sad.

[AnotherSadSong]

I have never had an abortion in my life, but I would abort a MM's baby so fast it would make your head spin...

 

I nearly spit my drink out on this above!

 

 

What does MM have to say about the pregnancy and how does he feel about the situation?

[whichwayisup]

I think you need to talk to your family Dr and maybe seek counseling quickly to help you make the right decision for you and your daughter. Nobody here can tell you what is best for you.

 

Even though you feel strongly against abortion, ask yourself can you afford another child, how much it'll affect your lifestyle and family dynamic, as well as what you expect from (ex)MM. Will he pay child support? Be a part of your child's life? Will he tell his wife he fathered a baby outside of his marriage? Will he want shared custody? I suggest you have a real honest talk with him... But when it comes right down to it, he gets no say in what you decide.

[goodyblue]

I think you need to talk to your family Dr and maybe seek counseling quickly to help you make the right decision for you and your daughter. Nobody here can tell you what is best for you.

 

Even though you feel strongly against abortion, ask yourself can you afford another child, how much it'll affect your lifestyle and family dynamic, as well as what you expect from (ex)MM. Will he pay child support? Be a part of your child's life? Will he tell his wife he fathered a baby outside of his marriage? Will he want shared custody? I suggest you have a real honest talk with him... But when it comes right down to it, he gets no say in what you decide.

 

You are right MM gets no say in what she decides, but he will have lots of say if she keeps the baby. Just something to think about.

[MuddyFootprints]

Not necessarily. If you choose to go through the pregnancy without his financial support, he can lose his paternal rights.

 

Op, if you decide on not terminating the pregnancy, see an attorney ASAP.

[Sassy Girl]

It's not often I agree with Goody, but in this case she is right on the money.

 

I too have fallen pregnant on Plan B. And I terminated.

 

And I was even in a steady relationship with the father. We were married actually. But we needed to make the decision in the best interests of our whole family.

 

Do I get sad about it sometimes? Sure. Wasn't a great thing to go through. No one WANTS to have a termination and the decision was not made lightly. But I don't regret it for a minute. It was the right decision for us, for my other kids and most of all myself.

 

The stigma you talk about wont just be yours... It will be this baby's legacy to live with for the rest of their life. I'm not sure if ever want to put that on a baby.

 

But the choice is yours. only you know what you can live with. But make sure you plan to raise this baby alone, because it's likely that when the rubber hits the road MM will be long gone. Fantasy is over now and $hit just got real.

Edited July 5, 2015 by Sassy Girl

[darkmoon]

i knew an identical situation and the baby was kept

 

the dad popped by to see his son

 

initially the wife was stricken as the dad wanted to leave home, and he had kids there, could not hurt his wife

 

his kids adored their new lil half-brother

 

everybody involved got used to their trio family in the end

[inabadsituation]

I nearly spit my drink out on this above!

 

 

What does MM have to say about the pregnancy and how does he feel about the situation?

 

 

 

He has said we did this together and he would be here for me ( through an abortion) of course. I have also said he could just go on with his life and I can raise my child alone and that I would never contact them (his wife knows nothing of me), he said he is not that kind of man to have a child in this world and not take care of him/her. But he has made statements like "just please not right now". He also said he wants to give me another baby in year because he doesn't know how much longer her can "be with her"...LOL. I tried my best not to ask him if he was crazy and did he think I believed that. It is unfortunate it took me getting pregnant to see this for what it is.

 

 

I appreciate ALL the comments (positive or not you can't be any harder on me than I am myself) and will read all to come.

 

 

I have considered adoption as well but that is such a hard thing to do as unselfish as it is.

[finally43]

I nearly spit my drink out on this above!

 

 

What does MM have to say about the pregnancy and how does he feel about the situation?

 

Who cares how he feels? It isn't HIS body. It won't have much affect on his life if she chooses to terminate the pregnancy.

 

Also, since the fetus is not viable were you to give birth today, I don't consider it "murder" (which really, that's a horrible way to phrase a termination and there are a lot of people - ME INCLUDED - who terminated a pregnancy. Using the term "murder" is really uncalled for).

 

If you chose to keep the baby, plan on raising it alone.

 

Like Goody, I find it selfish for people to insist on keeping and raising a baby who is the result of an affair. That child won't have its biological father in the picture (which is okay because some bio dad's are worthless and it is better for them to not be in the picture), but this child will have a stigma attached to it, through no fault of its own. You will need to eventually tell your child that the child is a result of an affair and truly an "accident"...not a planned event...and according to you, really the result of having sex with a guy the day after he accidently sent you a text meant for someone else and you had 'ended' the affair. Please don't do that to a child. They shouldn't be a pawn to hold onto someone (not that you plan to do that).

 

Millions of women terminate their pregnancy every year; doesn't make you a horrible person or selfish. In these types of instances, it actually shows you are being responsible - yes, it wasn't smart to have sex without protection (and in your situation, I would get an STD check because I have a feeling you aren't the first or the last he has had an affair with), but you did take the Plan B, which right there tells you that you did not want the pregnancy.

 

I'd make an appt with your doctor or planned parenthood and figure out your options - you don't have a lot of time if you decide to terminate.

[kieraglass]

I am also an OW who got pregnant by MM. The story is posted in january.

 

I chose to carry, whether or not he supported me. I simply couldn't abort and it never struck me once. I had an abortion in my twenties and it haunted my life. There was no way I would even consider it.

 

Despite how everything turned out, I am proud if my choice to give the baby a shot. Trust me, the fear you have now, the shame. ..it passes. I went through hell with it all, but I am at peace with my choice. I only wish my son lived, mm in my life had he lived, nor not.

 

Screw the MMs, and what they feel about the pregnancy. They screwed us. That's how I feel, and felt. But I would be damned if I'd hurt that small innocent life because I was afraid. Whenever things got rough emotionally during the pregnancy, I'd imagine looking into my baby's eyes fir the first time, nursing him, all that love, and i was able to center.

 

I'm not trying to influence you either way. But I do know the sorrow of abortion, and though I am still pro choice, I'm so very glad I stood up and took my emotional blows and came clean.

 

I know my baby loved me in the time he was here. He was beautiful.

 

The MM, well, he can live in his decision as well. Mine was the courageous path. And I'm glad I chose it. I'd do it again, even knowing the outcome.

 

You should seek counseling to make sure you are going through this rationally, without a knee jerk response. It will be hard, either road you choose, but you need to determine which hard is the one you can live with in your heart forever.

 

Feel free to pm me whenever. I understand exactly what dark place you are living in, and I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug.

Edited July 5, 2015 by kieraglass

[kieraglass]

As far as raising a child with a "stigma," I considered that, when i found out I was carrying? But I realized my baby might just appreciate being born. Stigma be damned.

 

He didn't ask to be made. I'm the moron who made a mistake, you know? But it wasn't his fault. I didn't give two shts what mm wanted. He had no say. Particularly after he showed where he stood.

 

It's a decision only you can make. But I'll tell you truthfully, people were far more kind and supportive than I imagined at the onset. Co workers, friends. They thought I was bold and brave, not a tramp, not a bad person. They did not think I was making a mistake. They thought I was incredible, actually. I was really surprised and touched.

 

You might be surprised, too.

 

Again, good luck, and hugs.

[minimariah]

sweetheart, put it down on the paper -- keeping the baby & NOT keeping the baby = pros & cons.

 

be aware of one thing... the worst is yet to come, unfortunately. it will be painful to keep the baby -- the MM probably won't tell his W & you'll raise the baby alone. the MM might help here and there but he'll keep it a secret. you'll have to deal with everything that comes with being a single mother & including telling others and your child (when the child grows up) about the father & siblings. it will be painful to give the baby away -- abortion does leave a mark, same thing with the adoption.

 

from your posts - i think you're leaning towards NOT keeping the baby option. that leaves you with abortion and adoption. my personal opinion -- i think adoption would be the best.

 

do you have any support from friends and family, folks you can trust and confide in? can you seek some professional support + advice for situations like this?

 

take your time and think about everything really well, make the decision soon. explore all three options - keeping the baby, abortion and adoption.

[bentleychic]

If you choose to have the baby (I would. There's no way I could terminate), do so realizing that you'll be doing it alone. I've told MM from day 1 that if I got pregnant (there's like .1% chance of it happening on my birth control), I would be doing it alone b/c there's NWIH I'd allow a child to be treated the way that the OW is and there's NWIH I'd "share" my baby with his W. He's always given me the line that everything would change if I got pregnant and he'd for sure leave and we'd be together, blah, blah, blah, but I'd for sure makes plans for MYSELF and my child if I were to get pregnant. Not including him until/unless he showed me proof of her moving out and divorce being imminent.

[minimariah]

If you choose to have the baby (I would. There's no way I could terminate), do so realizing that you'll be doing it alone. I've told MM from day 1 that if I got pregnant (there's like .1% chance of it happening on my birth control), I would be doing it alone b/c there's NWIH I'd allow a child to be treated the way that the OW is and there's NWIH I'd "share" my baby with his W. He's always given me the line that everything would change if I got pregnant and he'd for sure leave and we'd be together, blah, blah, blah, but I'd for sure makes plans for MYSELF and my child if I were to get pregnant. Not including him until/unless he showed me proof of her moving out and divorce being imminent.

 

the thing is - that's not something you can decide for one simple reason -- the MM, as a father of the child, has his own rights that he can seek through legal action. i've seen this happen many times so the OP needs to be aware that her MM can "turn around on her" & ask for time with the child while remaining with the W and she won't be able to do anything about it.

 

if she has her child, she needs to be aware od the fact that a lot of things will be out of her control because she isn't the only parent. that means she can't "ban" the MM from seeing the baby & from "sharing" this baby with the W.

[stillafool]

You WERE the good GIRL but now you are a grown WOMAN with grown up choices to make. If you don't believe in abortion and don't have the time to raise it there are numerous couples out there who are dying to be parents. Please consider adoption.

[autumnnight]

OW, I only have one piece of advice that applies if you do have and keep the baby:

 

There are people out there who will advise the MM/BW to cut you and the child HE helped create off, and they may try to insist you completely disappear.

 

I urge you not to cow to this. HE helped create this child, and even if he decides to stay married, HE has a responsibility to this child. This child is not some scum on someone's shoe. It is a person. I am appalled than any so-called Christian would encourage a father NOT to take care of his child, but you'd be amazed at the twisted ideas out there.

 

If you keep this baby, he needs to contribute, and you and your baby do not need to go through life as if you are some dirty little secret.

 

Period.

[NewLeaf512]

I'm so sorry that you are faced with this dilemma and obviously it's easy for Mr to type out some words on a screen to a stranger but I am compelled to comment.

 

1. Disregard anything MM has to say. Pretend you can't hear him.

 

2. It is your body and your decision . Whatever you choose it has to be right for you.

3. I was happy to hear you have another child so you already know the joy of motherhood .

 

I'm not going to tell you what I would do because the only person who has an opinion that counts is you. If you terminate, please make him pay for it and accompany you. These are not solely your consequences to face. If you keep the baby, you will immediately fall in love with it as all mothers do. Do not worry about what anyone thinks, it's no ones business who the father is but yours. If you choose adoption, that might be the hardest but the biggest gift to someone (like me stillborn son then emergency hysterectomy) you could do for yourself, the baby, and turn an unfortunatly timed baby into some karmic good.

 

Whatever you choose, think carefully. I don't know your country but I believe the Charity Marie Stopes here gives free phone counselling. Please google for the number.

 

Sending you healing thoughts.

[AnotherSadSong]

I know many 32 year old pregnant women so I cringe at the 20% chance of conceiving at 32, but if it is not too personal, why would a MM not use a condom regardless of birth control and why would you allow him to finish off inside you. Did you both want a pregnancy? Is he a responsible person or impulsive and irresponsible?

 

 

I know this is not going to be easy on you and it will get really tough if you have the baby. I give you strength. This is an all around tough situation.

[goodyblue]

Tbh I am not worried about any stigma the baby may face from society. I worry for the baby going to his father half the time, the wife being resentful and taking it out on the baby, the kids in his marriage resenting the baby and taking it out on it. The father not wanting it and feeling stuck or strapped, resenting it.

 

Of course if you have it you will love it, that is not a question, I just worry at the hardship it will face on the other side. Not to mention... there very realistically could come a time that the child resent you for bringing it into the situation.

 

I don't even worry about you raising it on your own, without MM, it may even be better for the baby and self esteem issues.

 

It is a rough road.

[goodyblue]

I know many 32 year old pregnant women so I cringe at the 20% chance of conceiving at 32, but if it is not too personal, why would a MM not use a condom regardless of birth control and why would you allow him to finish off inside you. Did you both want a pregnancy? Is he a responsible person or impulsive and irresponsible?

 

 

I know this is not going to be easy on you and it will get really tough if you have the baby. I give you strength. This is an all around tough situation.

 

Worry ever getting pregnant at 32? I had my sixth at 39.

[AnotherSadSong]

Worry ever getting pregnant at 32? I had my sixth at 39.

 

She mentioned she was off birth control and thought there was only a 20 percent chance of getting pregnant with unprotected sex at the age 32. I hope I did not read it wrong.

[goodyblue]

She mentioned she was off birth control and thought there was only a 20 percent chance of getting pregnant with unprotected sex at the age 32. I hope I did not read it wrong.

 

Ah. I missed that! Thanks for the clarification.