OW pregnant by MM

[AnotherSadSong]

Tbh I am not worried about any stigma the baby may face from society. I worry for the baby going to his father half the time, the wife being resentful and taking it out on the baby.

 

 

This would be extremely tough on a wife. On one half her maternal instinct will want to kick in but the other half will be reminded of the deception every time the child is around her. I can see that being unimaginable and a nightmare of sorts.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

As far as raising a child with a "stigma," I considered that, when i found out I was carrying? But I realized my baby might just appreciate being born. Stigma be damned.

 

He didn't ask to be made. I'm the moron who made a mistake, you know? But it wasn't his fault. I didn't give two shts what mm wanted. He had no say. Particularly after he showed where he stood.

 

It's a decision only you can make. But I'll tell you truthfully, people were far more kind and supportive than I imagined at the onset. Co workers, friends. They thought I was bold and brave, not a tramp, not a bad person. They did not think I was making a mistake. They thought I was incredible, actually. I was really surprised and touched.

 

You might be surprised, too.

 

Again, good luck, and hugs.

 

THIS! Everyone makes mistakes. The honor is in how you handle them. First, this man is a joke... Get rid of it and he'll give you another one in a year?!! But he's the type of guy who couldn't not be there for his child?!?! Get rid of him!

 

I can imagine what a predicament you are in. Your child's life will be whatever you want for it to be. Love and support can take many forms.

 

I also had a later in life pregnancy that wasn't actually planned. I had a child about the age of yours and had suffered through two full term stillbirths. I was never doing that again, plus we had our life planned out. That kid has blessed us and everyone who knows him more than I could have ever imagined! 18 years ago I was thinking, this can't be happening! Now I'm getting things together to send him off to college thinking this can't be happening!

 

I know that as a mom adoption would be difficult because once you've carried this baby you will fall in love with him but it so seems to beat the alternative! You are after all carrying your child whether it feels that way or not!

 

Last night I spent the whole night with mu four week old grandson in my arms so that his parents could have a night of uninterrupted sleep. I can't tell you how precious that was. Every cry, every nose wrinkle, every pout just melted my heart! Children are tough but they are such a blessing.

I'd consider buying MM out! Stay out of our lives, relinquish rights and mums the word.

Good luck to you and with this difficult decision. I just keep thinking, maybe that pill didn't take for a reason.

 

Edited to add my two, even with the age difference are so very close its unbelievable! I had always regretted not being able to give my daughter a sibling then thought they'd be too far apart to have a close relationship. They love each other so much it's crazy!

Edited July 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[minimariah]

I worry for the baby going to his father half the time, the wife being resentful and taking it out on the baby, the kids in his marriage resenting the baby and taking it out on it. The father not wanting it and feeling stuck or strapped, resenting it. (...) Not to mention... there very realistically could come a time that the child resent you for bringing it into the situation.

 

all of this -- this is a REALITY, unfortunately.

 

two "good" scenarios might happen - 1. when she finds out, the W divorces the MM & their kids eventually move on + accept their half - sibling OR not (i actually did see this happen once, the W bailed after she found out and that was pretty much it... it was surprisingly drama free BUT the kids from the 1st marriage have 0 contact with the half - sibling) AND 2. the W might NOT take it out on the kid.

 

but if we're being real... those 2 scenarios happen in like 2% of situations like these. the OP's MM might turn around on her, influenced by the W - what i've seen happen a lot is the BS trying to make the situation better by forcing visitation and seemingly being open hearted + accepting the kid when in reality very subtly abusing & isolating the kid from the family. that way, the BS gains another "advantage" which portrays her in a good light + cements her role of a sufferer. and all of this is IF the MM decides to acknowledge the kid AT ALL.

Edited July 6, 2015 by minimariah

[AnotherSadSong]

all of this -- this is a REALITY, unfortunately.

 

two "good" scenarios might happen - 1. when she finds out, the W divorces the MM & their kids eventually move on + accept their half - sibling OR not (i actually did see this happen once, the W bailed after she found out and that was pretty much it... it was surprisingly drama free BUT the kids from the 1st marriage have 0 contact with the half - sibling) AND 2. the W might NOT take it out on the kid.

 

but if we're being real... those 2 scenarios happen in like 2% of situations like these. the OP's MM might turn around on her, influenced by the W - what i've seen happen a lot is the BS trying to make the situation better by forcing visitation and seemingly being open hearted + accepting the kid when in reality very subtly abusing & isolating the kid from the family. that way, the BS gains another "advantage" which portrays her in a good light + cements her role of a sufferer. and all of this is IF the MM decides to acknowledge the kid AT ALL.

 

 

You could also add the scenario, the MM turns his back completely on OW, but his wife accepts the child and takes on an extreme role as his mother as much as the biological which in turn, could hurt OW.

[SolG]

So sorry you are in this painful and difficult situation OP.

 

I can give you a different perspective on one of your choices. I was an A baby that was adopted. I didn't find out I was an adoptee until I was a teenager given it was the conventional wisdom of the day to keep such things a secret. My biological mother was a WW, and she and her BH decided that giving me up was the best thing for their M in order to reconcile.

 

It is one of my deepest regrets that I didn't connect with my biological mother while she was alive. I found out who she was, but was so angry with her I could not countenance actually forming a relationship. In my immaturity I believed I was just being loyal to my adopted parents by rejecting her, when in reality it was fury at my perceived abandonment.

 

I now have no idea who my biological father was and the only person who knew for sure has taken that knowledge to the grave. There are theories that I've pursued from time to time. But never to any definite conclusion. I wish I knew who he was and their story.

 

That's not to say I'm not eternally grateful. I often thank my lucky stars for the miracle of being born and being embraced by the most wonderful family. And I also have half biological siblings whose lives I follow. Overall, I am blessed. :-) But there are scars and holes in my identity that I struggle with still from time to time.

 

I guess I'm saying that if you choose that route, that the adoption choice is not without impact for a child. For their peace of mind they will need to know you and MM and your story. They will still need to know they were wanted and loved; that circumstance dictated a great sacrifice vice abandonment.

 

I would also hazard a guess some of these issues and questions of identity and abandonment may raise their heads if you keep the baby without MM's involvement. One day the child will want to know the full history of their inception in pursuit of their sense of self.

 

Just thoughts... Big hugs to you OP.

Edited July 6, 2015 by SolG

[81West]

20 years ago I had a son who was the result of a 3 year casual (to him) relationship with a man in a long term relationship with a woman with whom he had two children, then 6 and 2. Stigma? I guess so. He publicly denied paternity and wasn't involved. I raised him alone and told my son age appropriate truths along the way. I never regretted my decision and any stigma seems so remote from here it is utterly irrelevant. All these circumstances which seem so pressing and present right now dissolve over time. The only question my experience tells me you should ask yourself is if you're willing to raise your child as a single parent.

[LivingWaterPlease]

OP, I raised my two children for most of their lives as a single mom. It was tough in certain ways but the joy has far outweighed the tough times. They are amazing adults and mean everything to me. I would do it a thousand times over again in a heartbeat just to have them in my life. I can't imagine life without them.

 

That said, I know of only two people whom I know for sure have had an abortion. One of them is a family member who got pregnant by a MM and doesn't know I know about her abortion. So, I have no idea of her mindset about it.

 

Obviously, there are probably many people I know who've had an abortion and I don't know about it.

 

However, the one person I know who did have an abortion twenty-five years ago who has told me about it has said that it's been very difficult to deal with the fact that she terminated her pregnancy. She talked at length with me about it pouring out her heart about her regret. She's a beautiful lady who is now married to a Dr. and has three beautiful children of her own. But, still, she's told me her heart has longed for the child she terminated.

 

She ended up entering counseling many years after the abortion to come to terms with what she'd done. Part of her therapy involved giving the child a name and having a ceremony for it, I guess kind of a funeral type thing, Idk exactly because I didn't ask questions when she told me about it.

 

She then gave her time to volunteer for many years at a pregnancy center that counseled women who are pregnant with an unplanned child and are in difficult circumstances to raise it.

 

She told me that it has been a horrendous road to travel the way she did it and if she had it to do over again she would have the child as a single mom. (She didn't love her bf and didn't want to marry him).

 

The reason she told me this information is that someone I knew had just gotten pregnant out of wedlock, was choosing to keep the child and we were discussing it. This lady who'd had the abortion told me the lady choosing the keep the child was doing what she wishes she had done.

 

This is only one case. Obviously some on this board have had abortions and testify that it was the right decision for them.

 

I have heard that many people who have abortions live to regret it and suffer because of it. Yet, I've never heard anyone who's had a child in difficult circumstances express regret for having the child. This includes people who've had a Down's syndrome child and also a friend whose daughter had two children out of wedlock. Both children have been a treasured part of their family and are now grown.

 

I do know two women who've had children by MM and haven't talked with either about what the experience is like. One of the ladies has four other children and one has just the one child who is her world and I know that the MM dropped her when she had his child and hasn't been a factor in their lives since. The child seems to have had a happy life and is married now with at least one child of her own.

 

I suggest that if possible you talk with others who've been in a similar situation and kept the child and personally (face-to-face if possible) talk with those who've aborted a child. I believe if you go to a crisis pregnancy center they can connect you with women who've been in your situation and will talk with you about it.

 

I would also suggest you pray about the child and about your circumstances.

 

God bless you, your child and the baby you're carrying.

[goodyblue]

OP, I raised my two children for most of their lives as a single mom. It was tough in certain ways but the joy has far outweighed the tough times. They are amazing adults and mean everything to me. I would do it a thousand times over again in a heartbeat just to have them in my life. I can't imagine life without them.

 

That said, I know of only two people whom I know for sure have had an abortion. One of them is a family member who got pregnant by a MM and doesn't know I know about her abortion. So, I have no idea of her mindset about it.

 

Obviously, there are probably many people I know who've had an abortion and I don't know about it.

 

However, the one person I know who did have an abortion twenty-five years ago who has told me about it has said that it's been very difficult to deal with the fact that she terminated her pregnancy. She talked at length with me about it pouring out her heart about her regret. She's a beautiful lady who is now married to a Dr. and has three beautiful children of her own. But, still, she's told me her heart has longed for the child she terminated.

 

She ended up entering counseling many years after the abortion to come to terms with what she'd done. Part of her therapy involved giving the child a name and having a ceremony for it, I guess kind of a funeral type thing, Idk exactly because I didn't ask questions when she told me about it.

 

She then gave her time to volunteer for many years at a pregnancy center that counseled women who are pregnant with an unplanned child and are in difficult circumstances to raise it.

 

She told me that it has been a horrendous road to travel the way she did it and if she had it to do over again she would have the child as a single mom. (She didn't love her bf and didn't want to marry him).

 

The reason she told me this information is that someone I knew had just gotten pregnant out of wedlock, was choosing to keep the child and we were discussing it. This lady who'd had the abortion told me the lady choosing the keep the child was doing what she wishes she had done.

 

This is only one case. Obviously some on this board have had abortions and testify that it was the right decision for them.

 

I have heard that many people who have abortions live to regret it and suffer because of it. Yet, I've never heard anyone who's had a child in difficult circumstances express regret for having the child. This includes people who've had a Down's syndrome child and also a friend whose daughter had two children out of wedlock. Both children have been a treasured part of their family and are now grown.

 

I do know two women who've had children by MM and haven't talked with either about what the experience is like. One of the ladies has four other children and one has just the one child who is her world and I know that the MM dropped her when she had his child and hasn't been a factor in their lives since. The child seems to have had a happy life and is married now with at least one child of her own.

 

I suggest that if possible you talk with others who've been in a similar situation and kept the child and personally (face-to-face if possible) talk with those who've aborted a child. I believe if you go to a crisis pregnancy center they can connect you with women who've been in your situation and will talk with you about it.

 

I would also suggest you pray about the child and about your circumstances.

 

God bless you, your child and the baby you're carrying.

 

If she keeps the baby I am of the opinion that it would be better to not have the father involved so that the child doesn't have to feel different or less than, or be treated shabbily.

 

I have never had an abortion. But I would never tell someone they shouldn't. It is their body and their fetus. My very best friend that I have known 35 years had an abortion in her twenties. She had two kids and could not take care of a third. She does not regret it or feel sad and went on to have 5 more kids, the last at age 43.

 

Everyone's situation is different. OP, only you can make this decision but please know there are those of us who will not judge you either way. Do what feels right for you.

 

Chin up.

[Sassy Girl]

To add another perspective... My sister had a baby with her MM. Granted it was after he left his wife for her, they tarted trying for a baby and had one. 3 weeks after the baby was born my sister found out he was cheating on her with another married woman and had been since before my sister left her husband for Mm.

 

My sister wanted nothing to do with him, kicked him out and started making arrangements to raise her baby alone. Except her MM stated his intention to gain 50/50 custody. My sister was devastated. She didn't want to lose full custody of her newborn baby. She couldn't imagine having to hand her over to someone else 50% of he time.

 

So she took him back. He's a serial cheat, and an idiot to boot. He's offended everyone in our family and is obnoxious. But she does it so she can see her child every day because the alternative is too much to bear. She loves her daughter with all her heart, but she regrets having a child with him because she feels so trapped. She made a poor choice for her baby's father and she has to live with the consequences of that for the rest of her life. She's tied to him forever.

 

I think it's great that there are women who have had their mm's baby and have no regrets. No one will ever say they regret having heir child. I suggest talking to some people who were born into that situation to gauge how they feel. I'm not the product of an affair, but I was abandoned by my father and I can tell you with no uncertainty that it has affected all of my relationships well into adulthood. It affected how I relate to my mother, how I related to other men and also how I parent my children. Do I regret being born? No. But that doesn't make the journey less painful.

[eye of the storm]

look, there will always be those "I know people who regret it for the rest of their lives" people. There are just as many people who realize it isn't the right time or right partner and are sad but understand for THEM it was the right choice. And yes I do know some on both sides.

 

 

People who throw ugly terms at you are only trying to get you to their side. They are not considering your side.

 

 

Nobody has to go thru this but you. And for that reason it is your choice. Make the decision that is best for you and for your situation.

 

 

Nobody on this site knows who you are. Nobody on this site has to pay your bills or walk in your shoes. Make the decision that is best for you and your already here child. At the moment you have 3 options. Be realistic as to what you can and are willing to do.

 

 

I would hate to be in your shoes. I am so sorry you are in this situation. The fact that you tried to take Plan B tells me that deep down, you do not want to have another child. Sometimes our first reaction is very telling. Sometimes it is not. Who knows? You know.

 

 

I am wishing you peace and clarity.

[whichwayisup]

He has said we did this together and he would be here for me ( through an abortion) of course. I have also said he could just go on with his life and I can raise my child alone and that I would never contact them (his wife knows nothing of me), he said he is not that kind of man to have a child in this world and not take care of him/her. But he has made statements like "just please not right now". He also said he wants to give me another baby in year because he doesn't know how much longer her can "be with her"...LOL. I tried my best not to ask him if he was crazy and did he think I believed that. It is unfortunate it took me getting pregnant to see this for what it is.

 

Yes the timing sucks, but honestly if you choose to have this baby, do it because you want another child. If you don't want to have a second child, do it because of your OWN reasons, NOT HIS reasons. I hope you told him to f off (bolded) after he told you that. Have an abortion then in a year or so (or 2, or 3) he'll give you another opportunity to be pregnant. He is disgusting, then in the same breath he doesn't know how much longer he can be with her, yet he's not willing to walk away from his wife and marriage. He is so full of crap! He is only thinking of himself and how his world will blow up if his wife finds out he has had an affair and now has a child on the way. Why should it matter if his marriage is that bad, if the truth comes out? Because his marriage isn't half as bad as he's made it to be.

 

 

I appreciate ALL the comments (positive or not you can't be any harder on me than I am myself) and will read all to come.

 

 

I have considered adoption as well but that is such a hard thing to do as unselfish as it is.

 

Again, seek counseling and talk to a professional to help you make this decision. Whatever you choose has to feel right for you, not anybody on here, or others in your life. Just you.

[whichwayisup]

If she keeps the baby I am of the opinion that it would be better to not have the father involved so that the child doesn't have to feel different or less than, or be treated shabbily.

 

I have never had an abortion. But I would never tell someone they shouldn't. It is their body and their fetus. My very best friend that I have known 35 years had an abortion in her twenties. She had two kids and could not take care of a third. She does not regret it or feel sad and went on to have 5 more kids, the last at age 43.

 

Everyone's situation is different. OP, only you can make this decision but please know there are those of us who will not judge you either way. Do what feels right for you.

 

Chin up.

 

Too many of you are assuming that IF she keeps the baby and MM is involved that on some level that his wife is gonna purposely abuse the baby and feel hate/resentment for life towards the kid. MOST good mom's would never exclude and hurt a child. Let's not assume the worst here and make his wife out to be the hateful step mom.

 

If MM chooses to be involved and confess to his wife, it'll either break up his marriage (which he says in a year or so he'll leave and divorce) or he'll make it work with his wife and they will learn to cope with all the changes. This kid have a great step mom, a happy place in two homes (if shared custody or visitation is granted) and could thrive and be lucky to have love all around. Let's not assume the worst case scenario here.

[minimariah]

Let's not assume the worst case scenario here.

 

she NEEDS to assume the worst case scenario & see if she's ready to handle it. no good will come to her from assuming the best case scenarios only to be devastated, surprised & unprepared for the pain.

 

it's not even a worst case scenario - it's a realistic scenario. i don't knkw about you, but i don't really know many women who would be able to be the most perfect stepmothers to the child their husband had as a result of an affair.

 

that doesn't make the wife "evil" - it makes her human. most will either divorce or "ban" the husband from bringing the kid around or even raising it.

 

the OP needs to know what she's facing if she decides to give birth. be prepared for the worst, hope for the best -- it's how it goes.

[MuddyFootprints]

Too many of you are assuming that IF she keeps the baby and MM is involved that on some level that his wife is gonna purposely abuse the baby and feel hate/resentment for life towards the kid. MOST good mom's would never exclude and hurt a child. Let's not assume the worst here and make his wife out to be the hateful step mom.

 

If MM chooses to be involved and confess to his wife, it'll either break up his marriage (which he says in a year or so he'll leave and divorce) or he'll make it work with his wife and they will learn to cope with all the changes. This kid have a great step mom, a happy place in two homes (if shared custody or visitation is granted) and could thrive and be lucky to have love all around. Let's not assume the worst case scenario here.

 

Oh yeah, I'm assuming worst case scenario here. And so should the OP.

[Doublegold]

OP sending you strength for the days ahead, whatever you decide is the right path to choose.

 

I know of two "untimely" births that had what some may find suprising results. One, a long time couple, the golden couple--two successful and very attractive people-- not married-- broke up. Shortly thereafter she was pregnant. He firmly stated the pregnancy was not his, but he would "support her emotionally" during the pregnancy. The baby was born--he saw the baby--the baby was his--she is raising the child without him with wonderfully supportive family and friends. He chose to have no relationship with either.

 

Years ago, a women we knew from our community started showing up at different events with a young child--toddler. Everyone assumed she was fostering the child, whom this women was very loving and kind to. We would see her husband with the little one, and the child looked just like him. The child was his child--from an affair. They raised the child--never knew the paticulars on how that came about as far as the Birth Mother. Thier own teenaged children adored this child.

 

Everything is not black and white. OP, make your own choices based on what you find you truly want to do--either way you decide--shoot for a rainbow. Take Care-

 

DG

[goodyblue]

Too many of you are assuming that IF she keeps the baby and MM is involved that on some level that his wife is gonna purposely abuse the baby and feel hate/resentment for life towards the kid. MOST good mom's would never exclude and hurt a child. Let's not assume the worst here and make his wife out to be the hateful step mom.

 

If MM chooses to be involved and confess to his wife, it'll either break up his marriage (which he says in a year or so he'll leave and divorce) or he'll make it work with his wife and they will learn to cope with all the changes. This kid have a great step mom, a happy place in two homes (if shared custody or visitation is granted) and could thrive and be lucky to have love all around. Let's not assume the worst case scenario here.

 

WWIU, I do understand there could be any number of scenarios, she needs to be prepared for the ultimate worst ones possible so that she knows she can cope. All babies are wonderful and I had a baby in less than an ideal setting. You will remember I moved across the country with my kids to be with my guy a few years ago with no resistance from the children's father because he pretends t they do not exist. I have been very lucky in that my guy raises my kids like they are his and they are very loved and we'll taken care of.

 

But we must admit this is usually not the case. A lot of times the child ends up being d raised by a single parent in cases like OP. And that is not necessarily the worst thing either. But OP needs to prepare for another woman, who is devastated by her husband affair, to have a hand in raising this child. She may be kind, but she may not be as well. She may be full of bitterness, humiliation, anger.

 

If OP wants to raise this baby I am supportive of her choice, but she needs to know what the possible outcomes could be. You and I both know that most the time MM walks away. She needs to be ready for that outcome as well as all the others. My heart goes out to OP, she is in a tough situation. And if MM decides on joint custody, she needs to steele herself for that.

Edited July 6, 2015 by goodyblue

[Arieswoman]

Inabadsituation,

No-one on this board can tell you what to do.

 

You say you don't want to be judged for what you did. Sadly, you can't influence what other people will think or say.

 

If you choose to keep the baby then the father has rights and they are shown here (this is for UK I assume they are similar in USA)

 

What Are The Legal Rights of a Father?

 

this child will also have rights and one of them is to know who his/her father is.

 

I suggest you have a discussion with the MM as he was half responsible for creating this life.

 

Good luck.

[I4givehim]

My 1st post anywhere ever. This my 1st time being the OW. My whole life I have been the "good girl" Grew up with both my parents in the house, married, I have always felt cheating was wrong. I have been married and divorced for a few years now, he was a cheater so I know the pain. When we met he told me he was living on his own that they had been separated for a few months(I still should have left him alone until it was over I know). The usual was his story his wife is horrible and he is only there for his son who when we met was 10 months. We are so in love, soul mates blah blah blah you know how it goes. I got on bc pills after a month, crazy. I thought it was love, my fault. He promised we would be together, he wants me to have his kids, etc. There were numerous attempts to break this off, someone would call or text and we would be back in this again. A little over 15 mths this has gone on. The new year came and I was bent on leaving him alone, we stopped briefly. I stopped taking birth control pills because the prescription ran out and I felt I didn't need them anymore because I was done! The relationship was winding down because I was tired of waiting and realized it was no going to happen. We went a few weeks without talking and then texts me on "accident" it was really for someone else. We made plans to see each other the next day, we ended up having sex...normally he would pull out the few times we would have sex since I wasn't on the pill. This time he didn't I guess it was a mutual agreement but really we were calling each others bluff but the jokes on us. I figured at my age (32) they say there is a 20% chance of getting pregnant. We both regretted it immediately, the next morning within 10 hours I took the Plan B(morning after pill). IT DIDN"T WORK as I am now pregnant (5 weeks today)and terrified. I told him, he didn't out right say get an abortion he asked my thoughts and me always thinking about him 1st knew he wanted an abortion( even though numerous times he said he wanted to and that might give him what he needed to leave). He just bought a house 2 months ago (with the wife he has no attraction to and is not in love with at all he is just there for his son who is 2)(Lies). I have come to realize he doesn't really love me I just filled in the areas she didn't and that all his words were just that...words. I have always known babies to keep or get men and I never wanted him like that. And honestly at this point I don't want a relationship with him, n one of this was real. But I don't know what to do...

 

 

I don't want to raise a baby alone I have a 10 yr old currently. I don't want to be judged by everyone, be embarrassed of what I did (which I am), I am clear that I would be doing this alone( he hasn't said that but I know and I am definitely not going to welcome him to me if he only comes because she didn't want to work it out). I am better than that and this situation. I could easily go get an abortion and move on with my life(I would NEVER speak to him again) but I am so against and afraid of an abortion, its murder(to me) how can I kill my own baby right? I did what I did and maybe I deserve to care for the baby alone. I am just not sure what gives me the right. I have not told a soul, again I am the good girl, all of my family and friends would be SHOCKED(a few friends knew we messed around but they all thought it has been over). Very good career, own home, car, things are good except for this. I'm just terrified of an abortion but I know it would make my life a lot easier... I go back n forth every 10 minutes I can't have his baby and then I can't kill my baby. I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions.

I believe in God. He sent you this baby for a reason. Some one once told me a baby is born with a loaf of bread under its arm. Meaning, You will never be with out..... stick with your beliefs. This baby will bring you so much happiness. Your going to be fine.

[Babs22]

inabadsituation,

I am sorry you are going through something so difficult right now. It is obvious your MM is not the type of person you want to have a long term relationship with. He just bought a house with his W meaning he plans to stay, but you know this. I do hope you have gone to your doctor to discuss your options since if you do terminate this pregnancy, obviously the sooner the better. This is an extremely personal decision, one that none of us can make for you. I can only tell you my experience. I was 15 years old and pregnant, I was still with my boyfriend and had to make a very grown-up decision at a very young age. My mom and dad, took me to several places, planned parenthood and even some catholic counseling place since I was considering keeping the baby. This all happened quickly. At some point, I realized, that I was not ready to become a parent and definitely not with this person (my boyfriend). I was not prepared to become a parent either cognitively, emotionally or financially. I decided it was best for all involved, but mostly me, to have an abortion. I think my parents did a very good job of not trying to sway me one way or another. It was definitely my decision and I owned it. My BF did not want me to abort, but I felt it truly was my choice. I do not and never did beat myself up over this decision. Yes, I was sad when it happened, but I went back to school and moved forward. My BF and I eventually (3 years later) broke up. I have not needed therapy to deal with my decision. I am thankful everyday, that I did not have a life long connection with my BF. I think one thing that helped me to deal with the abortion was that I decided to terminate very early in my pregnancy. You will make the right choice for you.

[gettingstronger]

I have been a teacher for a long time and have worked with kiddos from all types of situations- conceived by rape, incest, one night stands, affairs- pretty much all of it- I can not tell you what to do but I can give you my observations by the time they reach elementary school- except for a few bumps (unknown medical history or needing two teacher conferences because the parents still don't get along) these kids are as normal as any other-

 

I have seen the power one of what one caring, strong adult can do for a child from the most difficult circumstances- do not under-estimate your power to be that person- do not make this decision because you don't feel you are strong enough right now, collect yourself and reflect on you before you decide-

 

The only thing more powerful than a strong adult in a childs life, is the power of the child itself- children are amazingly strong-

 

Good luck with what you decide-

[kieraglass]

I have been a teacher for a long time and have worked with kiddos from all types of situations- conceived by rape, incest, one night stands, affairs- pretty much all of it- I can not tell you what to do but I can give you my observations by the time they reach elementary school- except for a few bumps (unknown medical history or needing two teacher conferences because the parents still don't get along) these kids are as normal as any other-

 

I have seen the power one of what one caring, strong adult can do for a child from the most difficult circumstances- do not under-estimate your power to be that person- do not make this decision because you don't feel you are strong enough right now, collect yourself and reflect on you before you decide-

 

The only thing more powerful than a strong adult in a childs life, is the power of the child itself- children are amazingly strong-

 

Good luck with what you decide-

 

Thank you for this. As an OW who chose to go forwards with a pregnancy, I truly appreciate your words. It didn't work out for my child, as he died, but I knew what you just wrote intrinsically as it was going down. Thank you.

 

I hope the OP has the strength to make her own decision and not be bullied by anyone here, or in her life. People have very strong opinions on this matter, but she alone lives with her choice.

[gettingstronger]

Thank you for this. As an OW who chose to go forwards with a pregnancy, I truly appreciate your words. It didn't work out for my child, as he died, but I knew what you just wrote intrinsically as it was going down. Thank you.

 

I hope the OP has the strength to make her own decision and not be bullied by anyone here, or in her life. People have very strong opinions on this matter, but she alone lives with her choice.

 

 

 

I have to agree- people tout choice, but true choice only comes from removing the fear of what others think-its hard to do but as you say, she alone will live with this choice and so, as much as possible she needs to reflect on her inner-self, her inner-power to decide-

Edited July 6, 2015 by gettingstronger
I need coffee

[anika99]

I believe in God. He sent you this baby for a reason. Some one once told me a baby is born with a loaf of bread under its arm. Meaning, You will never be with out..... stick with your beliefs. This baby will bring you so much happiness. Your going to be fine.

 

 

 

And I can tell you this isn't true. I had a baby at 17 and then another at 21. I wasn't married and trust me, we went without a lot. Of course I loved my babies and would never say I regretted having them, however I can't say enough how much it hurt me to see my kids have less than others. They didn't have their father involved in their lives and that hurt, they didn't get to do or have what their friends did and had. No family vacations, no new bikes, no trendy clothes, no father to guide them or teach them. I never regretted them but as I got older and more mature I realized that I had selfishly only thought of myself when I decided to bring them into this world and then raise them while I was poor and single. They were beautiful innocent babies who deserved more than I was able to provide.

 

 

I also had an abortion along the way. That was painful too, but in a different way. There was grief, remorse, guilt and just a bunch of uncomfortable feelings to deal with. I probably should have gotten some counselling after to help me work through it, however I did get through it and was okay in the long run.

 

 

Like I said, no painless way out of an unplanned pregnancy. Every choice comes with consequences.

[solostand]

I had an abortion when I was 24 years old. My son at the time was five and I was a single mother, living in poverty. The father was not a man I was in love with. I was always pro-life, until the time I needed an abortion. I couldn't imagine bringing a child into this world where I could barely provide for the child I already had. The father paid for it.

 

Although it was a very difficult experience, I have never regretted it. I didn't suffer the trauma that pro-life activists often claim, in fact I felt relief.

 

Now, I sometimes wonder about that child, how old she would be, what she would be like. But at the time it was the best option for me.

 

My advice would be to go with your heart. Abortion isn't pleasant but the recovery time is short. I'm not saying you should have one, but I am saying it is a viable option.

 

I considered adoption but I couldn't face the judgement of working as a heavily pregnant woman who already had a child and then giving up said child. It seemed overwhelming. And pro-life activists weren't clamoring at my door to provide financial support, which was what I needed to bring this baby into the world.

[inabadsituation]

Im replying from my phone so please excuse any typos.

I want to say thank you so much to for all the kind words to: whichwayisup, stillafool, Newleaf512, ifwisheswerehorses, solg, sassy girl, 81west, livingwaterplease, doublegold, arieswoman, gettingstronger, anika99, and I4givehim. Thank you all and thanks for all your opinions thats why I posted I am not looking for one sided views. Here is my reply to a few posters questions and comments.

 

@popsicle I might have said the same before it happened to me. It just so happens that unfortunately the MM baby is also MY baby, apart of me.

 

@finally43 agreed that an abortion won't have much affect on his life I will be in grief and he will be in grateful that he can keep is life untouched. He probably would be there 4 the baby but I could be wrong, his wife could affect that, but if he wasn't there I would be ok with that too. Yes I would have to tell my child that I chose to give her/him life instead of having an abortion maybe she will be thankful for life or maybe be angry and say I should have aborted her/him. My baby would NEVER be a pawn I know what I face if I have this baby and I would accept it, my childs best interest will always be 1st. I do yearly test for STD's I don't have nor have I ever had anything, thank God. I do have doc appt in 2 days and will go from there.

 

@kieraglass, @livingwaterplease, @I4givehim Thank you so much your words mean a lot.

 

@minimariah Thank you! I have made a list, one side is for sure longer, by much I know having this baby the worst is yet to come I am very realistic about this situation, though I wish he meant all the things he said and wanted to do this together, I know that is not the case. I have a very close family and great friends who I know would support me. It is just hard for me to find the words to say what I have gotten myself into. My life is a nightmare at the moment.

 

@bentley chic/ minimariah I do want my baby but minimariah is right I have no choice but to let my baby go with him and his wife as much as it would pain me I would not and could not stop it. For those wondering for many reasons I do believe his wife would stay, she runs their marriage and she runs him.She would make sure she gets pregnant again right away she wants another baby. She would stay and put him through hell for sure and to spite me, but they eyes I see him in now she shouldn't worry about me, they can have each other. I do believe she would resent my child and treat her/him differently and iut of guilt he would allow it. I fell for him because he is such a sweet and caring man (he made a mistake, we both did). At this point though I know I only filled a void and as their marriege got better (imo) I wasn't needed, but he til this day says he loves me, that he loves her but not in love with her and in love with me...you know how that goes.

 

@autumnnight Sadly enough if he chooses to stay with his "horrible wife" I would rather he just stay away completely. It is his choice but that would be my preference. He can go on with his wife living happily ever after.

 

@anothersadsong Yes it is personal but I will answer your question...since my divorce 5 years ago he is the only man I didn't use protection with. We did in the beginning but when i got on the we stopped and he is the only man I have been with in the past 15 mths. He trusted me and I trusted him...I guess. Not impulsive and both pretty responsible people except for when it came to each other. No STD's ever.

 

@eyeofthestorm I have always wanted more kids but not like this. I actually wanted kids with him because we are so in love and all, but not with him being married. I took bc pills and the plan B for that reason, not under these circumstances. I knew this was wrong but it was just so hard to let go when you love someone so much and think they feel the same.

 

To everyone my family is and would be a great support. The baby wpuld have an abundance of love. I am conflicted because he is married. I never wanted to ruin his life, I wanted him to choose me on his own, but he never did. I would really like to keep and raise my baby I am just so scared of the road ahead, not the long term but the short term. If I don't have this baby, which I do feel is wrong, I could go on with my life and never see/talk to him again and have a better life and a chance for a real relationship, I just feel that is a selfish to THIS baby. I ho to the doctor in 2 days. I know I don't have much longer to decide. I will update then.